Back when I was the teen mom director for the local chapter of a national non-profit organization, I decided to become a doula. One reason was that I couldn’t stand how disrespectfully dismissive a lot of doctors were towards pregnant teenagers (how you gonna pre-schedule C-sections in girls who are in their first trimester?). My second reason was to do some healing from my own past pregnancy choices (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”). Over time, another reason was that when a woman has a child, she needs support for more than just birthing her baby.
Take her sex life, for example. Although some women have a pretty thriving sex life throughout their pregnancy and, after their six-month check-up, they resume having sex relatively smoothly then as well, for other women, their experience is quite different. And because sex, post-delivery, still (amazingly) remains a taboo topic on a lot of levels, other (new) moms suffer in silence because they feel like they are alone.
What Moms Wish They Knew About Sex After Childbirth
That, right there, is why I decided to sit down with some mothers to have them share what they wish someone had given them the heads up on when it comes to sex after having a child. If you are a mom who’s having some challenges in the bedroom, hopefully, this will assure you that others get exactly where you are coming from. If you’re not a mom (yet), my goal is that you can get an idea of some things that could possibly happen — so that you can surround yourself with the support that you need (i.e., a girlfriend, some other new moms, even a counselor, if necessary).
That way, you can do what needs to be done to get your sex life back (or right) to where you want it to be…in time.
*Middle names are used in this type of content so that people can speak freely*
1. Bevelynn. 28. Mom of a Six-Month-Old Daughter. First Child.
Giphy“The weirdest thing for me is there are certain positions that can always make me cum that were super uncomfortable throughout most of my pregnancy. So, it felt like I was having sex for my partner instead of with him. Then, after having the baby, my man was so used to hurrying through sex because that’s how I was while pregnant that he felt self-conscious that I was trying to ‘coach him’ through foreplay like he wasn’t a good lover.
"You know how they say that sex, after abstinence, is like riding a bicycle? The hell you say! There was a lot to relearn that it was almost like having sex for the first time again. Pretty much a year of sex being one way and then adjusting to something else will do that to you. We’re still figuring it out.”
2. Embree. 34. Mom to a 11-Month-Old Son. Third Child.
“I never had postpartum depression, thank God. I did go through a long sex lull. I love my babies, Lord knows that I do, but you don’t really get just how much sex creates them until you have them, if that makes sense. Being a mom is fulfilling and draining — any woman who says otherwise isn’t taking her role as seriously as she should. And when you sit and realize that kids can’t exist without sex, you have moments when you’ll avoid having it at all costs because you don’t want to risk what comes from it — another baby. And that’s just the truth.”
3. Gail. 37. Mom to a Four-Month-Old. Third Child.
Giphy“Please don’t give your husband a hard time about getting used to your new body and hormonal changes during sex. It might be popular to act like men shouldn’t have a say in giving birth or what comes with it, but science says otherwise, and while they’re supporting you through your changes, they might end up going months without intimacy — no man wants that. The more talks [that] you have about sexual needs and expectations before getting pregnant, the better. Remember that he is a part of all of this, too.”
4. Quincee. 32. Mom to a One-Year-Old Daughter. First Child.
“I was told that I should get a doula before having my daughter, and I should’ve listened because it makes no sense to push out a baby on your back. My friends who had doula assistance learned positions that were way more helpful. Since I didn’t and my daughter, although I love her dearly, has a really big head, I tore pretty badly. The healing process was borderline hell but, more than anything, I had some PTSD about allowing any — and I do mean anything — from going into my vagina.
"I don’t care if it was a penis, a sex toy, or even a tampon, I was traumatized. Get those perineal massages before giving birth, squat during labor, and get a man who loves oral sex, both ways, so that you both can get through the adjusting. That’s the best advice that I can give on it.”
5. Francis. 30. Mom to a Seven-Month-Old. Second Child.
Giphy“You might need to see a sex therapist after having children. It might sound crazy, but no one talks about how having a baby changes everything about you — every single thing. My husband has always been able to please me, and he’s not small in the least, but after having our first child, my vagina never felt the same. That kept me from feeling the same pleasure, which made me want to have sex less and even resent him for not being able to please me like he used to.
"We tried to figure it out on our own, but that started to affect his self-esteem, and then we weren’t having much sex. My girlfriends had some of the worst advice, so I spoke with a marriage counselor who referred me to a sex therapist who helped me to understand the transitions of motherhood, sexually. It’s one of the best things that happened to our relationship. My best advice is nothing is fully ever the same after a baby — sex, for me, was on top of that list.”
6. Erda. 25. Mom to a Three-Month-Old Son. First Child.
“Being a mom is hard as sh-t — do you hear me? I am terrified of getting pregnant. I don’t mean any time soon; I’m contemplating being done forever because my pregnancy was difficult, and my son thinks that we all should be up all day and all night long. People keep telling me that this will pass, but until it does, whenever I see my husband’s penis, it’s like ‘enemy #1’ in my eyes. We can do some oral action; I’ve always been about that. But if he wants to put that thing in me, I always want him to put on three condoms — I’m NOT playing.”
Shellie here: As a doula, I’ll be checking back on her in six more months or so. Something tells me that this will have a bit more balance in the narrative. Those first few months can be a mutha, indeed.
7. Laurelle. 39. Mom to a One-Year-Old. Fourth Child.
Giphy“Even after having four kids, I never got used to my breasts being available to everyone. Mine, then my husband and mine, and then, for a season, my kids — and then sometimes everyone’s. Our two first children were less than two years apart, so I swear that my husband didn’t get to touch my breasts for like three years straight…and he’s a breast man! I don’t think anyone can fully prepare you for how to be a mom and a sexual being at the same time. It’s one of the hardest things about motherhood to date.”
8. Iris. 30. Mom to a One-Year-Old. Second Child.
“Your erogenous zones might change. Mine did. I used to not be a breast person, but I started having orgasms while breastfeeding, which kind of creeped me out but then it made me want my breast played with more than ever during sex with my man. The other thing is my thighs got pulled on a lot during labor, and so, I’m kind of jumpy when my fiancé reaches out for them now — and he’s a thigh man. Having a child isn’t just a miracle because of the baby. Being able to figure out a new normal in the bedroom is a miracle, too, sis.”
Shellie here: If you can relate to what Iris just said about climaxing while breastfeeding, there is no reason to feel embarrassed or guilty. Breastfeeding tends to produce some of the same hormones that come from sexual stimulation — for instance, remember that oxytocin is a bonding chemical. It’s for this same reason that you might produce extra milk when you orgasm after having sex with your partner. It’s natural. It also tends not to last forever. It will usually pass.
9. Hope. 32. Mom to a Four-Month-Old. Second Child.
Giphy“The talk about the whole ‘Madonna-Whore’ thing that men may go through — you know, how once you become their wife or mother of their child, they have a hard time seeing you as a sexual being. Some of us go through that, too. I don’t have hang-ups about sex. I’m just not as nasty as I used to be. My body is used for so many different things now, and the fluids get all mixed in together — I dunno. Sometimes, when I’m about to show my porn side, I’m like, ‘Hold up — is this appropriate? I’m a mother now. It’s so complex, honey.”
10. Tateyana. 27. Mom to a Nine-Month-Old. First Child.
“I was told to get a co-sleeper and keep our baby out of our bed. I didn’t listen. I wish I had because now our bedroom is more like a nursery/daycare and it’s harder than ever to keep our son out of our bed — emotionally. My husband is patient; sometimes, he’s the one who wants our son to stay in the bed but we know that sex is an important part of marriage and we certainly didn’t sign up to be co-parents who are roommates. When they say that the bedroom is for sex and sleep only, the sleep part really shouldn’t be your children. They’ve got a room. They’ll be fine in there. We’re trying to wean him off now, so I’m preaching to the choir here. Sex after babies…it’s just so much.”
____
Sex after babies…it’s just so much. As you can see, sex, post-delivery can be layered, complex, and sometimes challenging. Still, if you have a partner who is understanding, if you’re patient with yourself throughout your transitions, and if you get that healthy intimacy has a mental, emotional, and spiritual component that can get you through all of the physical “growing pains” that you may be experiencing — sex after having a child can become richer, closer and even better with time.
After all, a new normal? Sometimes, it exceeds what you’ve been accustomed to.
And isn’t that something to look forward to when it comes to post-delivery intimacy? Definitely.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
Courtesy
In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
Featured image courtesy
As you’re thinking about all of what transpired over the past 12 months, here are some signs that certain things (or people) who are currently in your sphere may need to be significantly realigned or even, shoot…let go of. Ultimately, for your greater good.
1. Your Mind, Body and Spirit Aren’t in Agreement (About It)
GiphyI believe I’ve shared before that, back when I was writing my first book, although I adored my editing team overall, it was still a Christian-based one, and so there were a few things that we would clash on. Take the term “human trinity,” for example. They kept wanting me to say something else for fear that it would appear “blasphemous” to certain readers.
Meanwhile, I kept giving pushback because "trinity" is not an actual biblical word. It literally means a group of three or a triad and while that can apply to the Godhead (I John 5:8), nothing is wrong with applying it to other situations and dynamics too...and, to me, the mind, body and spirit of a person equates to what I call their “human trinity” — and something that I oftentimes tell my clients is, “If your mind, body and spirit” are not all in agreement about something (or someone), take heed to that; at the very least, it’s an orange flag, if not a flat-out red one.
So with that said, think about what you have going on in your life right now — if you’re not in a state of complete and total peace concerning everything, is it your mind that feels that way? Is it your body that seems a bit stressed? Is it your spirit that has you unsettled?
Always remember that your being — your mind, body, as well as your spirit — was created to work in harmony, and so, if that isn’t happening about a particular person, place, thing, or idea…you really should pause, ponder, and reflect before making any major moves. Oh, and if two parts of your trinity are struggling, 8/10, that is a sign that you definitely pump the brakes. At least until you figure out why.
2. It’s Spiritually Compromising You
GiphyI’m pretty sure that a lot of you have heard the quote, “You don't have a soul, you are a soul; you have a body,” before. If you thought that the writer C.S. Lewis authored it, many people do. Actually, it comes from a man whom he admired by the name of George MacDonald, and yes, it is quite profound when you stop to think about your spirit is the divine part of your being; yes, many consider it to also be your soul (check out “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul”).
Since the essence of who you are pretty much comes from the spiritual side of you (check out “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?”), it’s important that you are super intentional about nurturing and nourishing it; this includes keeping safeguards up in order to prevent anyone or anything from compromising you from giving your spirit exactly what it needs to thrive and flourish.
For some of you, you know this means letting go of your partner. For some of you, a toxic friend. For others, it’s really time to find a new career path, shift churches (LISTEN), to move to another location (even if that’s another state or country) or to totally reroute your daily routine — and you know this to be true because your spirit is currently feeling drained and/or bitter and/or resentful and/or confused and/or like you are losing a part of who you are just to keep “it” around.
Sis, it’s not worth it. Compromising yourself at the expense of it costing yourself never EVER is. If what I just said hit really close to home, you’ve still got a few hours to leave it all behind in time for a brand and spanking new year. It might not be easy yet do it anyway. Your spirit deserves it.
3. You’ve “Hit a/the Ceiling”
GiphyI ain’t got no lies to tell you — between the orange one in the White House and his uber-maniac ways and AI sinking its teeth deeper and deeper into so many different industries, I definitely think that 2026 is going to be a roller coaster ride for many people as far as the job market is concerned. So, while I am ABSOLUTELY NOT recommending that you flippantly, emotionally, or impulsively quit your job any time soon, I do think that you should ask yourself if you’ve “hit the ceiling” where you are, so that you can possibly plan to look for employment elsewhere or even pivot into something else entirely.
And what are some signs that you have indeed knocked your head up against said ceiling?
- You are bored as hell (or worse, miserable AF) at work
- There is no room for promotion
- Your boss couldn’t care less about your goals or ambitions
- You feel undervalued
- Your skills are underutilized
- There seems to be little to no improvement or progress within the company
- You haven’t received a raise in years
- You procrastinate because you don’t feel motivated or inspired
The fact that most of us spend the majority of our waking hours working, it makes not one bit of sense to be collecting a check at a place that is stressing you out, messing with your psyche and/or is causing you to feel like there’s not much more that life has to offer than, as they say, “paying bills and dying.” If that is what life is like for you right now, although you might not be able to quit this month, it is definitely time to put an exit strategy into place. You know, some say that a whopping 85 percent of people hate their job.
If you are one of them, let’s strive to have that no longer be the case in 2026.
4. There Is Little-to-No Reciprocity
GiphyI’m not a fan of transactional dating (check out “Guess What? Dating Was Never Supposed To Be Transactional.” and “Should You Start Off As Friends? Science Says Absolutely.”); anyone who knows me will tell you that. And when guys talk to me about how drained they feel by a woman who seems to only take and not give (for instance, someone just talked to me about how his girlfriend of three years gave him a $20 gift card; meanwhile, he purchased her seven different presents…and she actually makes more money than he does — SMDH), I will oftentimes say, “If there’s no reciprocity, she is a liability.” And I mean it with everything in me.
This goes beyond romantic situations too. Take a friend of mine who, when I tell you that, when it comes to painful situations, she absolutely sucks at being a good support system. I know this because, for the past few weeks, I’ve been telling her that she has a pattern of not showing up in hurtful times and that my patience is wearing thin because I am just the opposite.
She shared with me that she realizes that she doesn’t show up for herself in her own painful moments, and so when something really uncomfortable, trying, or taxing happens to someone else, she tends to retreat instead of reaching out.
In other ways, she’s solid, and so we are working through the matter — but I’ll tell you this: At this point in my life, when I share where I need reciprocit,y and folks don’t want to give it, I have no problem shifting how I prioritize them in my world. Because it makes no sense to call someone “friend” (or partner) and you’re doing most of the work to make that word…relevant.
Bottom line with this one is, if you’re not getting what you need from your relationships — ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP — it just might be time to leave certain people behind…now (check out “Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead”)…so that you have room for who will be willing to show you what reciprocity in relationships looks and feels like.
5. You Feel “Stuck” in “It”
GiphyWhen it comes to the word “stuck,” the definition that I’m coming from here is “to become fastened, hindered, checked, or stationary by some obstruction” — and for the sake of time and space, what I want to amplify is the word “hinder.” One definition of hinder is “to cause delay, interruption, or difficulty in; hamper; impede,” while another is “to prevent from doing, acting, or happening; stop.”
Believe it or not, as a marriage life coach, there are actually clients who I have fired — and the reason was that they were wasting my time. Listen, when you get to the point in your life where you get that there is less time in front of you than behind you, you can’t really put a price tag on your precious moments, so when clients don’t do their homework and/or choose to remain in ridiculous situations (for years at a time) and/or really just want to be coddled instead of getting the tips and tools that they need to make wise decisions on their own — they cause me to feel “stuck” because they aren’t challenging me to be a better coach.
Progress in a client is what makes me better…and so, what I will typically do is put these types of people on probation for about 4-6 months and then release them if they remain in their hamster wheel of cyclic activity (after over a year of working with them).
This is an example of what “stuck” looks and feels like in my life; however, you need to figure out if and how that word may apply to your own. What I can tell you is anything that you know is interrupting or preventing you from doing what you know needs to happen in your world, whether it’s a person, place, thing or idea, you really need to ask yourself if it’s worth holding on to — and if you believe that it is, you definitely should realign your boundaries concerning it or then. Because again, life is too short (and precious) to be “stuck” in something that really isn’t serving you (or serving you any longer).
6. Your Present and Future Seem Super Foggy with It Around
GiphyWhat does this mean? Well, fogginess speaks to things being unclear, right? When it comes to your present, a lack of clarity can speak to feeling/being confused and confusion means that something is going on that either doesn’t make sense to us or is sending us all kinds of mixed messages and signals — and when you continue to dwell in that kind of space, there’s a pretty good chance that your future will be just as…foggy. Just as unclear. Just as confusing.
I’ll explain. Have you ever tried to drive in the fog? You typically can’t see very far ahead, which means that you kind of have to drag along in your car and, even with headlights, sometimes something can run out in front of you, catch you off guard and that can either make your nerves bad or cause you to wreck. Along these same lines, a “foggy situation” can do the same thing — you’ll be out here barely getting anything done because you’re so busy trying to figure out what the hell is going on with it or them…and that usually will cause a domino effect in other areas of your life too.
Sis, it’s not worth it. If you don’t get what’s going on in some area of your world, you’re missing information, you are being gaslit, and/or you are in denial about what is transpiring right before your very eyes. For all of this, purpose to get the answers (clarity) that you seek or leave it behind you.
As an author by the name of Shannon L. Alder once said, “The most confused you will ever get is when you try to convince your heart and spirit of something your mind knows is a lie.” Somebody REALLY needed to hear that today. I hope that you did.
Just in time for another year, and the things that you can feel really good and CRYSTAL CLEAR about.
Welcome to 2026, my dear.
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