Shortly after the birth of my second child, I felt completely lost.
I would chalk it up to having to care for a newborn baby and a toddler at the same time with little to no support. I blamed my struggling marriage, my limited support system, and even the weather: anything to explain the mood swings, the anxiety and the constant flood of tears. It wasn't until a few years later that I realized that had my own bout with postpartum depression (PPD).
About 1 in 7 women experience symptoms of postpartum depression.
These numbers might be underestimated due to the fact that there is still such a stigma surrounding mental illness, especially in the Black community. It is said that the symptoms of postpartum depression closely resemble those of classic depression and can include: crying more often than usual, feelings of anger, withdrawing from loved ones, feeling distant from your baby, worrying or feeling overly anxious, thinking about hurting yourself or your baby, and/or doubting your ability to care for your baby.
This is more than the typical "baby blues." PPD starts after the birth of the baby and can last for weeks, months or even years. Along with serious changes to your physical body, many people often gloss over the mental impact having a baby can have.
Recently, more and more high-profile women have been willing to come forward and express their own battles with the baby blues and PPD. And while no two women are the same, the more we shine a light on these issues, the more we can remove the stigma surrounding mental health and show other women that not only is PPD common, it is also treatable.
Cardi B gave birth to her first child, daughter Kulture Kiari, in July. The typically outspoken and social media happy rapper has flown under the radar since then, but she recently revealed via Instagram that she too is going through it. One of the symptoms of PPD include sadness and crying uncontrollably for long periods of time. She says:
"This postpartum s—t is annoying. Like I been emotional all f—king day for no reason."
Becoming a new mother is no easy task, no matter how it may look on social media. The lack of sleep, the recovery from the birth process, and the learning curve associated with caring for a newborn can breakdown even the baddest of bitches. The Invasion of Privacy rapstress initially thought she would be able to join Bruno Mars on a world tour after a short maternity leave, but the reality of taking care of a newborn superseded her need to get back on the road. Sometimes the best way to cope with any postpartum symptoms is to stop and recognize your own limitations. She revealed:
Cardi B's Instagram
"I underestimated this whole mommy thing. Not only am I just not ready physically, I'm not ready to leave my baby behind since the doctors explained it's not her to be on the road."
Serena Williams has been especially candid about her birthing process and the health issues she experienced after the birth of her daughter Olympia. And while she was able to physically bounce back and compete in this year's Wimbledon final, the new mom is still recovering from postpartum symptoms. Feeling like a bad mother is a common symptom as well, and as Serena reveals, being away from her child has taken its toll. Thankfully, she is using her platform to remind women that these feelings are totally normal and that having a good support system while finding balance is vital. She reveals:
"Last week was not easy for me. Not only was I accepting some tough personal stuff, but I just was in a funk. Mostly, I felt like I was not a good mom. I read several articles that said postpartum emotions can last up to 3 years if not dealt with. I like communication best. Talking things through with my mom, my sisters, my friends let me know that my feelings are totally normal...I'm not around as much as I would like to be. Most of you moms deal with the same thing. Whether stay-at-home or working, finding that balance with kids is a true art. You are the true heroes."
Another woman that has been brave enough to reveal her battle with PPD is Chrissy Teigen. The generally outspoken mother of two initially was afraid to speak about the issues she was quietly dealing with, but in an open letter to Glamour, Teigen details her experience, which included severe body pain that wouldn't go away, extreme sadness, anxiety, and a loss of appetite, which are all signals that PPD is rearing its ugly head. She told Glamour:
"I had everything I needed to be happy. And yet, for much of the last year, I felt unhappy. What basically everyone around me—but me—knew up until December was this: I have postpartum depression. How can I feel this way when everything is so great?"
The model and author knows that her voice can help other women move past the shame associated with PPD, and by doing so, she is helping more women than she might even imagine.
"I'm speaking up now because I want people to know it can happen to anybody and I don't want people who have it to feel embarrassed or to feel alone."
We all know that as a woman moves through pregnancy, her body drastically changes. What some may not realize, the physical effects of pregnancy can persist for months, and not everyone can just bounce back into bikini shape. During pregnancy, everything stretches and expands to accommodate the growing baby, including the uterus. It often takes weeks if not months for the uterus shrinks back to its pre-pregnancy size. Combine that with the expected weight gain, some women never snapback, and that's okay.
Beyoncé recently revealed to Vogue her own experience after having an emergency C-section for the birth of her twins. She shines a light on how invasive the procedure is and how much taking time to recover from the process is more important than worrying about her six pack. She says she practiced a lot of self-care and patience and is no rush to trim down her FUPA. The singer says:
"After the C-section, my core felt different. It had been major surgery. Some of your organs are shifted temporarily, and in rare cases, removed temporarily during delivery. I am not sure everyone understands that. I needed time to heal, to recover. During my recovery, I gave myself self-love and self-care, and I embraced being curvier. I accepted what my body wanted to be...To this day my arms, shoulders, breasts, and thighs are fuller. I have a little mommy pouch, and I'm in no rush to get rid of it. I think it's real. Whenever I'm ready to get a six-pack, I will go into beast zone and work my ass off until I have it. But right now, my little FUPA and I feel like we are meant to be."
Body positivity after birth means being able to be patient with yourself and accepting the beautiful gift of our body's ability to produce life regardless of what it may do to our figures. Tia Mowry also knows that bouncing back right away after having a baby is not only unrealistic, it is setting a dangerous standard for women to live up to. The mother of two recently revealed her post-pregnancy body in a post on Instagram, and she reminds women to take their time and go at their own pace when it comes to returning to a pre-pregnancy body. She says:
"I wanted to shine a light on how our society creates false expectations after a woman gives birth. Ladies, it's okay that our bodies are not PERFECT after our babies are born. Give yourself time. Go at your own pace. Don't allow people to put a time limit on YOUR body,"
"I had seen in magazines the many women on the beach a few weeks postpartum in a two piece. To be honest, it had to take time for me to embrace my new body. With this second pregnancy, I now have embraced that fact that I've housed a human being. A miracle. A life. If it takes a while for me to get back to my normal self, than so be it."
Anyone who is blessed enough to have their own birth experience needs to recognize the fact that making babies is really HARD! We need to be more forgiving of ourselves, our emotions, and our bodies and be willing to work towards acceptance and asking for help when we need it. And for anyone who wants to support their friends and family through these times, it's so important to remember to be compassionate. Rather than dismiss their feelings, encourage them to speak with their doctors about their concerns.
Patience is a virtue, and after childbirth, it's the most important one to have.
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Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
GiphyAbout five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
GiphySociety is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
GiphyThe reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
Giphy“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
GiphyOkay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
GiphyAs we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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