10 Things You Didn't Know About The Male And Female Orgasm
I've got some of the (no pun intended) cockiest male friends when it comes to their views of their sexual performance. For instance, I know one guy who firmly stands by the point that he is so good in bed that right this moment, he could call any woman he's ever slept with and get her to fly to where he is and have sex with him. In his mind, he's that good and she will still want it just that much. ***insert eternal eye roll here***
When I asked him if he's had a partner who affects him that same way, he said, "I mean, some women are better than others, but a man is going to have an orgasm regardless, so it's all good."
When I told him that my research on men and orgasms revealed that it wasn't exactly or altogether true, he dismissed me like I didn't know what I was talking about.
"Shellie, if a man ejaculates, he has an orgasm," he said as if it was Orgasm 101.
Yeah. Whatever dude. I'm going to forward this info to him ASAP.
As we're all about to see in roughly 10 minutes or less, orgasms are mind-blowing and also pretty complex. The more I discover about them, the more I've come to accept that there is so much more to them than what meets the eye—or even what a lot of us have yet to experience.
10 Things You Didn't Know About The Male & Female Orgasm
1.Men Can Ejaculate Without Climaxing
First up, let's get into what my friend was yapping about. Although some of us probably know that men can master the art of climaxing without ejaculating (it's sometimes referred to as a dry orgasm), I'm not so sure it's common knowledge that men can also ejaculate without having an orgasm at all.
The name for it is ejaculatory anhedonia. It's not harmful, but what man wants to go through all of the steps of an orgasm without feeling the reward of one? Anyway, some guys assume that since they've always thought that ejaculation and orgasm go hand in hand they automatically have had an orgasm, just because they ejaculate. But that's not automatically the case.
If you forward this to one of your male friends and it sends their head spinning, tell them that between their health care provider, a urologist, and a therapist, they can get down to if they've truly experienced an orgasm. Or not.
If they're not sure, I'm leaning towards…not.
2.Women Increase Their Chances of Conceiving With An Orgasm
If you're currently trying to make a baby, tell your man that the more orgasms he gives you, the closer you'll be to conceive. That's at least what Dr. Robert King, author of Tulips at Midnight: Exploring the Latest Research into the Nature and Function of Female Orgasm, believes. Some of the women he studied had 15 percent more liquid in their uterus whenever they climaxed; this means that orgasms increased their ability to hold more sperm. As a direct result, their chances of getting pregnant increased by 15 percent too.
Talk about a motivator—to climax and conceive.
3.Lots Of Men Fake Orgasms
Usually, when the topic of faking it comes up, we think about women doing it (about 80 percent have before). But I actually had a conversation with a husband who said that he was so sick of his wife pressuring him to have another baby that he faked orgasms for a year straight (wow).
He's not alone either. Reportedly, 1 in 4 men have copped to doing the same thing, albeit for a variety of different reasons ranging from not wanting to hurt their partner's feelings (about being "bad" in bed) or wanting to hurry up and get things over with, to wanting to emotionally manipulate their partner or because they felt insecure about their own performance.
4.Some Women Have Orgasms In Their Sleep
Talk about the things that go bumping in the night. Guess how many women are able to have orgasms in their sleep? According to Alfred Kinsey of the Kinsey Institute, a whopping 37 percent!
The technical term for them is nocturnal orgasms. It's basically a spontaneous orgasm that happens during your sleep (usually during some sort of dream). That's kind of dope, although, just to be thorough, I should put on record that more women with a form of neurosis (47 percent) get them than women who are in control of their mental state (8 percent). That's at least what one study claims.
5.A Man’s Orgasm Is Shorter Than A Woman’s
Since it only (on average) takes a man five minutes to have an orgasm while it takes a woman around 20 minutes to, it probably comes as no shock that a man's orgasm is shorter as well. While a man's typically lasts for no more than five seconds, a woman's can last for 20-30 seconds. Meanwhile, a man's bounce back can take as much as 30 minutes in many cases. However, as men get older, sometimes it can take up to 12-24 hours.
Hey, don't harp on them too much about this. There is a peptide in their system known as somatostatin. It literally reduces the amount of sexual arousal men have after they climax. It really is Mother Nature that makes them want to fall asleep before round two.
6.Many Women Experience Orgasm “Aftershocks”
If you're able to have multiple orgasms, pat yourself on the back; you're reportedly one of the 47 percent of women who can. And if after having such an earth-shattering experience, it seems like you experience what can only be defined as aftershocks, it's not in your head. What's happening is, that just like you experience involuntary muscle contractions while you're actually climaxing, sometimes you may feel smaller versions of that for up to an hour afterward.
There's nothing to worry about. It's all good.
7.A Man’s Foreskin Works To A Woman’s Climax’s Advantage
Turtlenecks. Pigs in a blanket. Hooded ninjas. I've heard of all kinds of terms to describe an uncircumcised penis. And while I've never personally had the pleasure, I did recently read something that piqued my interest a bit and actually caused me to see them in a bit of a different light.
Did you know that many women have found that men who have foreskin oftentimes have more stamina and are also more comfortable for them to be with physically? Not only that but they also say that it significantly increased their ability to have multiple orgasms. #themoreyouknow
8.Clitoral Placement Plays A Huge Role In A Woman’s Vaginal Orgasms
If you've heard that 75 percent of women do not have orgasms, the answer to that is yes and no. I'll go with the good news first—a lot of women can climax; what the stat is saying is an overwhelming amount have a difficult time experiencing an orgasm via vaginal stimulation alone.
A couple of things come into play with that. For one thing, not all scientists can agree on the fact that every woman has a G-spot (a pea-sized area that's located 1-2 inches on the vaginal wall that is closest to your belly button). The other issue is how far apart a woman's clitoris is from her vaginal opening. If it's approximately the width of her thumb apart, she has a much greater chance of experiencing a vaginal orgasm (an orgasm from penetration that doesn't require clitoral stimulation) than if she doesn't.
9.Men Go Through What’s Known as “Ejaculatory Inevitability”
Bless their hearts. There is a point that just about all men reach when they can't stop from ejaculating, even if they wanted to. It's called ejaculatory inevitability and it's the second phase of their orgasm.
The first phase is when their vas deferens, prostate, and seminal vesicles all contract, leading their semen into their urethra. The second is when the contractions are so strong that there is nothing that a guy can do to stop ejaculation from happening.
So, if you tell your man you're not ready for him to climax and he does anyway, don't assume that he's been selfish. Chances are, he heard you but there was absolutely nothing that he could do. Not at all.
10. Women Who Are Insecure (In Their Relationship) Have a Hard Time Climaxing
One more. Did you know that no two orgasms are exactly the same, pretty much ever? Some are more intense than others. Some last longer than others. And some are totally dependent on how you are feeling emotionally towards your partner.
If only lately, you've been having trouble climaxing with a partner you used to with easily and regularly, don't chalk it up to being nothing. We as women need our minds and bodies to be in sync in order for sexual pleasure to reach its peak.
If you're not currently sexually satisfied, the last thing you need to do is fake an orgasm or grin and bear it. Let your partner know. It could be as simple as needing to reconnect on a deeper level or your intuition alerting you that something isn't right. Either way, communication is the key to getting your relationship—and orgasms—back on track.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next October (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This Black Woman-Owned Creative Agency Shows Us The Art Of Rebranding
Rebranding is an intricate process and very important to the success of businesses that want to change. However, before a business owner makes this decision, they should determine whether it's a rebrand or an evolution.
That's where people like Lola Adewuya come in. Lola is the founder and CEO of The Brand Doula, a brand development studio with a multidisciplinary approach to branding, social media, marketing, and design.
While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
Feature image courtesy
The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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'Power Book II: Ghost' Star LaToya Tonodeo Doesn't Think Her Character's Mom Is A Toxic Parent
The Power Book II: Ghost finale episodes resumed on Friday, Sept 6, and the Tejadas appear to be in deep trouble. Spoiler alert: Diana Tejada, played by LaToya Tonodeo, is pregnant with Tariq St. Patrick's (Michael Rainey Jr.) baby while simultaneously dealing with her family's new arrangement with dirty cop Don Carter (Michael Ealy).
Diana doesn't want her child near the drug game, but due to her family and her child's father's active roles in that lifestyle, she may not have a choice. In a xoNecole exclusive, LaToya opens up about the reality of Diana's options.
"My advice would be like, girl, you better pray about it and make the best decision. But in actuality, like looking at the circumstances, I don't necessarily think it's best for her right now to leave her support system," she admits.
"She needs all the support she can get. It just doesn't make sense. You're saying you don't want Tariq to be a part of the life, but that's clearly what he is doing in his path. And then you're a Tejada, your family is a part of that life. And then you're in school. How are you going to support yourself and a child off the candy store like it's not going to work.
She continues, "So you need to keep, in my opinion, I would say, keep the family as close as you can, because regardless of who they are and how they operate, it's definitely beneficial for her."
"So you need to keep, in my opinion, I would say, keep the family as close as you can, because regardless of who they are and how they operate, it's definitely beneficial for her."
If you watch Power Book II: Ghost, then you are familiar with the family dynamic between the Tejadas. The family's matriarch, Monét, played by R&B legend Mary J. Blige, groomed her kids to be gangsters and help her run their drug empire.
But her parenting has often caused a wedge between her kids Diana, Dru (Lovell Adams-Gray), and Cain (Woody McClain), especially after she killed their father. This led to Diana and Dru recruiting Tariq to kill Monét, but it was unsuccessful and now, Monét is now trying to repair her relationship with her kids.
While Monét ticks off many of the boxes of what a toxic parent may look like, LaToya has another point of view. "I feel like even though, on the outside, it could look like she's a toxic parent, I believe that we try to show that there's still elements of love there, and there are moments where Diana, for the sake of family, still will forgive all the things that, like if she feels blamed for certain things," she explains.
"Like the time, I think it was last season or season three, when Monét actually went into Diana's dorm room and apologized and all the things-- she's okay with it, because Diana really wants family."
She continues, "And at the end of the day, Diana wants her mother to see her. So it might sound toxic to say that I don't believe she's fully toxic, but Diana is okay with giving chances, and maybe that's to her detriment, but she's okay with giving chances, and the growth between them is a push and pull, but Diana needs it."
Watch the full interview below:
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Feature image by Jared Siskin/Getty Images for STARZ