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Ever Wonder If Your Man Is Actually Holding You Back In Life?
I don't know about you but, a lot of times, whenever I read books or articles on relationships, when it comes to signs that you're in the wrong one, oftentimes it has to do with things like abuse (neglect is a form of abuse, by the way), being taken for granted, always giving your all to someone who does very little giving in return (check out "Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife")…you know, stuff like that. But what happens when you're with a guy who, for all intents and purposes, is pretty close to greatness? You like each other. The chemistry is cool. If someone were to ask you for a list of 10 things that you appreciate about the connection, you could state them with a fair amount of ease. Problem is, for the past few weeks (or even months), you've been feeling like something, somehow, isn't quite right. It's like, while you feel like you're currently on a path to soaring, for some reason, your relationship feels like it's in the way—although you can't put your finger on why you feel that way.
If what I just said somehow scratched an itch somewhere in your psyche, take out about seven minutes or so to check this piece all the way out. When it comes to being in the kind of relationship that is truly best for us, it's not enough that the relationship is cool; it also needs to be one that is helping us to progress, clearly, in life. If you can't say that about your own, real talk, it's probably doing the opposite (holding you back) which isn't a good thing. So, how can you know for sure if your man is holding you back in this season of your life?
Let’s Start with “If You Have to Ask” (and You’re Reading This Article)
So, usually when I'm writing something where I feel like this particular point needs to be mentioned, I will save it for the end. But, in this case, I'm going to switch up a bit. Have you ever heard the saying that oftentimes, we're looking for someone to tell us what, in the back of our mind, we already know? While I'm sure that some women clicked onto this article, just for curiosity's sake, I've been writing (and relationship coaching) long enough to know that some of y'all clicked on here because you are seeking confirmation that your man is indeed a "stumbling block" of sorts. It's not that you don't love him. It's not that the two of you don't share some good times together. It's not even that he doesn't have some awesome qualities. It's just that—it feels like you're not at a place in your life that you thought that you would, once you finally met "the one". Because of that, you've been looking for a sign to let you know that the eerie feeling that you have in the pit of your stomach is spot-on.
While this first point may not be the huge blinking neon sign that you've been looking for, if you keep reading, something tells me that you'll have the clarity you seek in just a few more moments. Let's keep going.
Reflect on the Concessions You Made in the Relationship Since Day One
There is no way that a relationship is healthy (or is even going to last long), if both parties aren't willing to compromise along the way. Since none of us are perfect, there are even certain concessions that are usually made in order for a relationship to flow smoothly. But when it comes to this particular point, what I do encourage you to ponder is what it literally means to concede. When it comes to "acknowledging what is true" (like maybe your man doesn't look exactly how you thought your dream guy would or he doesn't check off on every single thing that's on your "what I want in a man list"), it's realistic to accept that it's rare that any of us get all of what we want and that's OK. But when it comes to another definition of concede which is "yield to pressure or circumstances", you really should think about if you are currently conceding a hell of a lot more than you should; perhaps because you've been doing more than you ever have, ever since the relationship began.
- Did you always overlook some of his traits that you can never seem to really mesh with?
- Have you always ignored the fact that he's not really the best complement for your life?
- Did you let your family members or friends talk you into starting what has felt more like a hindrance the entire time (just because it hasn't been the right time)?
- Have you always wanted a relationship that has more passion, more drive—more something that is lacking in the one that you're in?
- Did you do what I've done in a few of my relationships—go into it convincing yourself that you would eventually like the guy as much as he liked you? Only, that still hasn't happened…yet?
Maybe you're staying in the relationship simply because you've been in it so long that you fear the thought of starting over. Maybe you're remaining because you don't want to hurt your man's feelings. Maybe the relationship is good but something in you knows that there's a man out in the universe who you can actually be great with.
If this is hitting close to home, just remember that a concession in the form of compromise is one thing. But if you are sacrificing your own core needs in the process of remaining where you are, that is unhealthy. It's also not very fair to either one of you in the long run.
Ask Yourself What About the Relationship Reminds You of Past Slip-Ups
There are some movies that, you're not really sure why you are intrigued to check it out, but something just draws you in. That's how I feel about the filmThe Worst Year of My Life. It's about a guy who thinks he's found the one but then he finds out his live-in girlfriend has been sleeping with someone else. When he goes to therapy, he starts to connect some dots that he never saw coming. In case you want to check it out, I'll leave it there when it comes to offering up details, but what I will say is 1) the movie is a great commercial for why therapy following a devastating break-up can be a really beneficial thing, and 2) it is also a vivid visual reminder of why paying attention to your patterns can help you break them.
Last year, when I wrote the article, "Are You Dating The Same Guy Over And Over Again? Maybe.", a huge part of what inspired it is, I used to be that kind of person. It wasn't until I got really honest with myself about, not only what my "type" was but why, how my toxic family background played a direct role, and what I needed to do in order to master how to love myself before loving any guy that I was able to actually stop choosing guys who were preventing me from growing and maturing.
Another good sign that your man is holding you back is there are certain things about him that remind you of your ex (or exes). Not only that, but when you reflect on what caused you to end your relationship with "said ex", you see some of those same issues in your current situation. They might not be as big. They might not be as bad. But they are indeed there. And trust me when I say that when a current has similarities to your ex that aren't positive characteristics, eventually they are going to rear their ugly head. Oftentimes, it's once you realize that you're not so much with the right man as someone who is merely familiar to you. Good and familiar are not synonymous. Please always remember that.
Do You Feel Like You’re Going Forwards, Going Backwards or Staying in the Same Place?
Not too long ago, I was talking to a male friend of mine, who is going through a season of shedding some of the dead weight from his own friendships. The reason why I use the phrase "dead weight" is because, something that life teaches those of us who are paying attention is to how to value our time and ourselves; that if a relationship, of any sort, either keeps us stuck in the past or it makes us feel so stagnant that we can't fully and easily move forward into what the future has in store for us, it's really not the healthiest kind.
A good example of how a relationship can keep you going backwards is you find yourself reliving the same mistakes and/or lessons over and over again. Or, you realize that, whenever you're around certain people, you resort back to how you were 2, 5 or even 10 years ago. An example of being stagnant? I'll pull from my own life. One of my longest relationships was also one where I wanted it to transition into marriage. Meanwhile, my boyfriend kept promising that if I just gave him one more year (after several years), that would come into fruition. It never did. He wasn't a "bad guy" for not being able to give me what I wanted. At the same time, I wasn't exactly being very good to myself because, all of the energy that I was putting into waiting on him and even trying to convince him to speed up the clock, was energy that I could've invested into other ways that would help me to get further down my own life's pike.
Make no mistake about the fact that, if you want to know if a relationship—whether it's professional or personal, platonic or romantic—is a good one, one way to know for sure is you're going to be able to document clear indications of where it helped you to become, not just a better version of yourself but a bigger and more progressive version too. Anyone who isn't doing that is either using their influence in your life to push you backwards or to keep you stagnant. Life is too short and precious to settle for either of these scenarios to be the case.
Where Do You Want to Be This Time Next Year?
When it comes to this last point, if you're someone who is contemplating getting into a new relationship, I promise you that if you read (and apply) the article "The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have", it can actually spare you a lot of "Is my man holding me back?" internal conflict and drama. The reason why that is, is because a lot of us find ourselves in relationships that are going absolutely nowhere, mostly because we assumed that our partner was on the same page as us when it came to where we ultimately wanted things to go. Never get caught assuming because, believe you me when I say that, there are a lot of people who are perfectly content being in a relationship (or situationship) with someone—day after day, month after month and year after year—without it ever becoming anything more than what it already is. The only way you can avoid being caught up in this kind of holding pattern is by getting clear on what you want for your life in time increments (like six months from now, a year from now, etc.), sharing those thoughts with your significant other and then deciding if you're both on the same page (or are even in the same book) or not.
So, if you are already in a relationship, this is my final piece of advice. First, make a plan for what you want for your life. Then think about how much closer you can get to manifesting those plans over the course of the next 12 months. Next, get serious about if your current significant other is able to support those plans or if they will somehow hold you back. If you're not sure, bring all of this up to your man, so that you can both speak freely. If he conveys that he wants to help you with where you want to go and that he also wants to be in a different/forward movement space, with you, by this time next year—and his character in times past has proven that his word can be trusted—stay. If he's not sure, give him some time (just not all the time in the world) to figure it out. If he doesn't believe that he wants what you do, to tell yourself that he didn't mean what he said or that he will change his mind? Not only is that a sign of you being held back but—get this—that it's not him who is doing it. It's you.
Bottom line, the best relationships are always progressive. They move forward. They get better. New things happen. Set goals are met. Growth transpires. If you're not able to confidently say, without a shadow of any doubt, that your relationship is in this kind of space, it is worth pausing things and asking yourself, "Is my man holding me back?" and then making some major changes if the ultimate conclusion that you come to, sis, is…yes.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
'Love Island USA' Star JaNa Craig On The Reality Of Black Women On Dating Shows
Love Island USA just wrapped up its sixth season, and it has been the talk of the town. According to Nielsen, it's the No. 1 show on streaming, proving it's just as entertaining as the UK version. One of the reasons this season has been successful is due to the authentic relationships formed between the islanders in the villa.
You have the sisterhood between Serena Page, JaNa Craig, and Leah Kateb, aka PPG, and the real relationship moments between couples like Serena Page and Kordell Beckham, who were named the winners of this season. The other finalists include Leah Kateb and Miguel Harichi, Nicole Jacky and Kendall Washington, and JaNa Craig and Kenny Rodriguez.
While JaNa made it to the finale with her boo Kenny, her journey in the villa was far from perfect. Viewers saw the Las Vegas native get her heart stomped on a few times after many of her connections didn't work out.
At one point, it even looked like she was getting kicked off the island. While she had a lot of support from people watching the show, it was clear that she was in a position that many Black women on reality dating shows find themselves in: not being desired.
It has been an ongoing conversation among Black women watching reality dating shows as we see time and time again that non-Black women or racially ambiguous-looking women are often chosen over Black women, especially dark-skinned women. In a discussion with Shadow and Act, JaNa opened up about the support she received from viewers.
@cineaxries i love them 🤧 #janacraig #janaandkenny #loveislandusa #foryou #peacock #loveisland #janaloveisland #xybca #kennyloveisland #janaedit #loveislandedit #janaedits #loveislandusaedit #viral #loveislandusaseason6 #foryoupage #peacocktv
"You know what’s so crazy? I’m so grateful, because when I got my phone, the way they’re making us The Princess and The Frog…I felt honored. I will be that beautiful chocolate queen if I need to be. And the comments like 'beautiful chocolate girl,' I’m like, all Black women are beautiful. There’s the whole light skin versus dark skin, which breaks my heart. I just really don’t understand that, but I will take pride and represent us well," she said.
She also candidly discussed her experience as a dark-skinned Black woman on the show. JaNa and Serena had been in the villa since the first episode, and they were the only dark-skinned Black women there. As new men aka bombshells came into the villa, they found themselves not being wanted by many of them.
"Me and Serena literally had a heart-to-heart before Kenny came in and she’s like, I just don’t think it’s fair that the Black girls don’t get enough fair chance.' Every islander that came in, we were not their top pick. And we just [thought], maybe because we’re Black girls, and the dark-skinned Black girls. It sucked," she said.
"I’m like, 'Serena, we know what we bring to the table. We’re great personalities. A guy’s going to come in for us.' That’s when we manifested what we wanted, and that’s when I manifested Kenny."
@ashleyvera__ We love to see it 🥰 #loveislandusa #loveisland #loveisland2024 #janaandkenny #loveislandseason6 #peacock #realitytv #fypage
After many failed connections, Kenny came in and immediately turned JaNa's experience around. America watched the model get the care and attention that she deserved.
"I’m not going to hold you. When I was in the bottom for a quick second, I’m like, ‘There’s no way America doesn’t [ride for us]. I know Black America had to ride for me, but maybe because I’m a dark-skinned … hmm … maybe … you feel me? And you saw the Casa Amor lineup. Beautiful, beautiful light-skinned [women]," she said.
"We looked at each other like, 'Damn, Love Island did their big one with this. And every single Casa Amor girl was like, 'You girls are gorgeous, you guys are stunning.' They expressed love. You guys are beautiful and it felt good."
Although she and Kenny came in third place, JaNa is happy that she got her man in the end. "I think the thing I’m most grateful about is the fact that this is a beautiful love story like you guys complement each other and there’s no hate toward the skin color. It’s all love and support. I love that more than anything," she said.
"That’s why I was like, 'I won,' even though I didn’t win. And the fact that Serena won, we were like, 'Yeah, run that.' Either way, we won. And I love the support from all communities."