You know, life is a funny thing. Back in 2018, when I wrote “I'm Not A Fan Of My BFF's Man - This Is How I Make Our Friendship Work,” although I’m not gonna sit up here and act like I didn’t see signs that divorce could possibly be in her future, it wasn’t like I was hoping for it.
I’m a child of divorce myself, and so, no matter how common it is in our culture, I am aware of the pain that divorce can cause and the damage that it can do. And yet, fast forward to 2024, and here we are — my friend who once had a husband who was more triggering than almost any human I know (what’s wild is damn near everyone in her life has cosigned on that since she’s separated from him), he is now, officially, her former husband… And boy has getting to that point and place with her been a complete roller coaster ride.
You know, when you sign up to be someone’s friend, one thing that comes with that is being supportive. However, that word has so many nuances and layers to it these days that I think it’s important to really unpack what that actually means (check out “What A Supportive Friend Actually Does (It's Not Quite What You Think)”). Although a lot of people’s egos want to believe that support means being told what you want to hear, clapping for decisions even when they are poor ones, or having people have your back to the extent of them breaking their own — that isn’t the case. Not by a long shot.
True support is about being willing to help someone hold their own selves up; it’s about providing encouragement, comfort, and providing assistance in a way that will actually help (help, not coddle) them. And when that support is needed during something as life-altering as a divorce, that can require a lot of prayer, compassion, and forethought…on the person’s support system’s part.
And so, as someone who just recently went through all of this with an individual who is quite dear to me — and also since I’m very aware of the fact that with the divorce rate being as high as it is, most of you will have to experience something similar sooner than later — I wanted to offer up some tips on how you can, yes, support your friend during their time of transition while keeping your sanity, standards and the friendship intact in the process.
(Try to) Put Yourself in Their Shoes
GiphyEmpathy. If anything is on the endangered species list when it comes to relationships these days, this would have to be it. A very basic definition of empathy is having the ability to not just understand but share in how someone feels when they are going through something. This basically means that, by being truly empathetic, you are able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes — or at least, you are intentional about trying to.
When it comes to something like a divorce, because no two marriages are exactly the same, of course, you can’t know exactly what someone else is going through. However, if you’re trying to support a friend who is experiencing one, the key is to imagine how you would feel if your marriage was falling apart. What kind of emotional support would you long for? How would you prefer to be spoken to? Would you want to hear a ton of “I told you so” statements, or would you prefer more questions like, “What can I do to help you get through this?”
Actor Sterling K. Brown once said, “Empathy begins with understanding life from another person's perspective. Nobody has an objective experience of reality. It's all through our own individual prisms.” Personally, I think there is a lot of truth in those words because, when you choose to try to see things as another sees them, it creates a safer space for them to trust you and for you to be a softer place to land — right when they need it the most.
Draw Firm Boundaries
Giphyhe very day that my friend was officially divorced, she did something that was beyond cyclic, toxic, and counterproductive — on a billion different levels. It honestly had me so baffled that I found myself getting angry because, after years of her talking about how her ex has treated her, why in the world would she tolerate him in the way that she did (I’m leaving details out by design)?! I mean, it had me so heated that I found myself needing to “take off” a few days, communication-wise (when it comes to talking to her) — and that’s how I knew that I was more emotionally invested than I needed to be and it was time to put some boundaries in place…yes, even when it came to our friendship.
When you love someone, it can be very easy to involve and invest yourself in things as if it is your problem when it absolutely isn’t. So, how can you keep yourself in check? Learn the difference between who you are responsible for vs. who you are responsible to.
Me? I adore my friend, I absolutely do. At the same time, she is not my spouse or my child and those would be the only individuals who I would actually be responsible for. So yeah, when I need a break from hearing the cycle, it’s okay to say that. When I find myself getting more upset over her stuff than she seems to be, it’s okay to put limits in place.
And if I need to accept that she’s not me, which means that she’s going to do things differently, it’s okay to not emotionally invest in her situation quite so much — because it would be a damn shame to lose a friend all because the boundaries (or lack thereof) in their life have caused you not to have any in yours…and that has ultimately resulted in bitterness, resentment and/or a total emotional disconnect when it comes to your friendship. Yeah, breaking up with a friend because of how her divorce is going really isn’t worth it.
Be Their Friend. Not Their Therapist.
GiphySpeaking of boundaries, chile, so long as I’m out here coaching couples, this tip right here will probably always be the “thorn in my flesh” that helps to keep me in check — ‘cause y’all, when you’re trying to help a friend through a challenging time, and folks actually pay you to coach or counsel them, it can be really challenging to “get off of the clock” when your friend isn’t also a client. Oh, but it’s a wise thing to do, believe you me.
Case in point: As much as my friend’s former husband irks the entire mess outta me, if there’s one thing that I will forever vouch for him on, it’s the fact that he is hella consistent. And so, when he recently pulled a bona fide “this man right here” (I really want to use the dirty cuss words to illustrate my point and yet, I digress) stunt, although I wasn’t shocked, I was disgusted. However, to be honest, my friend plays a very direct role in “feeding the monster” when it comes to not setting healthy boundaries with him…and that is largely what causes him to do some pretty bold and semi-crazy things.
Anyway, when she shared with me what happened, the first thing I asked her was, “Did you just want me to know, or do you want me to say something?” (more on that in the next tip). My follow-up was, “Have you told your therapist yet?” and boy, was that a freeing question to ask because she’s not paying me to give her insight (let’s start there, chile) and two, because I’m not her therapist, that frees me up from having to invest in the way that a therapist (or life coach) would. Sometimes, I really can just be a listening ear — no more and no less. Sometimes, by accepting that, everyone ends up being less stressed out.
Watch What You Say. Then When You Say It.
GiphyOkay so, for the past 12 years or so (at least), almost all of my friends know that whenever they tell me something that’s totally off-the-chain, I’m gonna be good for asking, “Now, do you want me to be 100 percent Shellie or would you prefer for me to water it down?” I do this because I am a straight-no-chaser, for sure, and while most of the people in my world say that it is something that they appreciate about me, as the old saying goes, “Timing is everything.” Sometimes, what they can hear on one day isn’t what they can handle on another. Why? Because when a friend is going through something like a divorce, they are processing a lot, and that can cause them to be happy at noon on Monday and totally pissed by dinnertime on that same Monday.
And what this means for you is if you say, “Girl, I don’t know why you chose that man in the first place” at noon, she might laugh along while, if you say that very same thing at 6 p.m., here comes the waterworks or personal offenses. Yeah, if there is a silver lining, for you personally, when you’re helping a friend go through a divorce, it’s that you get an accelerated class in learning to read people better, how to use tact even more, and how to master timing in a way that you may have never done before — and those are valuable life lessons, across the board.
Also, Watch Them on the Roller Coaster. Don’t Get on It.
GiphyOne time, when someone in my family was talking about the cyclic drama of another relative, how they said that they chose to deal with it is something that has always stayed with me (and they stated it damn near 20 years ago): “I don’t get on the roller coaster ride. I simply watch them ride it and then dab their brow whenever they choose to get off.” The fun fact here is I told a friend about the convo, and even he was like “dope.” As a result, he put his own spin to it and, in walked India.Arie’s song “Roller Coaster.”
Roller coasters, chile. It can have you all over the place, and if you aren’t prepared for that reality, all of the unexpected shifts and dips can make you sick — on rides and in relationships. And so, on the heels of what I just said about watching your mouth and the timing of your words, it’s important to take these pearls of wisdom to heart, too.
Yeah, just because your friend needs your ear or shoulder or even advice sometimes, and also just because empathy (and compassion) are awesome traits to display during their time of need, you do not have to get as involved as she is — in fact, that’s a surefire way to be out here putting your own needs in jeopardy because you’ve still got other relationships to tend to, responsibilities to take care of and bills to pay. What sense does it make for you both to be damn near basket cases? It absolutely doesn’t.
Listen, there were some days when my friend was so irritated with her ex (especially when they were going through the divorce process) that she would take her frustrations out on me (because if she did it to him, it would make the negotiating process more stressful). Although I understood what was going on, that didn’t mean that I had to take “the lashes” that were deserved by someone else — and so, I told her so. Several times, I said, “Look, we rarely fight unless it has something to do with him, and we’re not going to lose our friendship over that dude. I love you, and I’m hanging up now. Call me when you’re feeling better.”
I made sure that she knew that I wasn’t going to abandon her. I also knew that I wasn’t going to tolerate her beating up on me either. See: watching them on the roller coaster and not getting on it. Brilliant.
Be Patient with THEIR Process
GiphyLove is patient. Oh, if only more folks actually knew what the definition of "patient" actually is — at least in the context of the point that I’m about to make: “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” I’m telling you from very personal and up-close experience that very few things will test the strength of your bond with a friend quite like them (or you) going through a divorce. Why? Because the decision alone is going to impact them to the extent that it makes them a different person on some level. Then you’ve got to add to that the fact that when they change, there can be nuances within your own relationship that may shift as they start to see themselves in a different life and begin to live their life in a different kind of way.
All of this might be hard to hear, and yet, as the saying goes, divorce is indeed a type of death — and death affects everyone differently (the grieving process does, too). That’s why, as I close this out, it’s super important to remember to be patient with your friend as they go through their process. Remain calm. Give them space. Get that some days are going to be better than others. Don’t be so quick to respond or react to everything because again, they are grieving. And know that, as I once heard someone on television say, even despair will eventually exhaust itself.
Will divorce change your friend and, in some ways, even shift certain dynamics of your friendship? Probably. Still, if you practice patience, it can actually make your friendship with your friend stronger…even as their marriage may be falling apart. I am living proof of that.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Create a Budget. Stick to It.
GiphyBudgets, boy. I recently read that one of the reasons why they don’t work for a lot of people is because many folks don’t have a clue about how much money they spend on a monthly basis to begin with. SMDH. That said, at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that a budget is simply setting boundaries/limits on your spending — and being intentional about moving in this fashion is always a wise move; especially when it comes to this time of the year…especially being that it’s typical for half of all Americans to take on some type of holiday season debt with 17 percent needing six (or more) months to pay it off.
Know what can prevent this kind of financial chaos? A SPENDING BUDGET. Tips for how to create one of your own this year can be found here.
2. Never Shop When You’re Stressed or Pressed
GiphyYou know how they say that it’s not a good idea to go grocery shopping when you’re hungry? Although the holiday season can be a stressful time, avoid shopping for gifts (or décor or food for recipes) when you are feeling stressed out or pressed for time. More times than not, that cultivates anxiety which could cause you to either purchase things that you don’t really want or to spend money that you don’t really have (P.S. If you’re relying on credit cards, that qualifies as money that you don’t really have. Just sayin’).
3. Don’t Keep Up with the Joneses
GiphyKnow something else that can stress you out: trying to keep up with the Joneses. And y’all, now that we have social media, the reality is that envy is at an all-time high. That’s because it can be really easy to watch holiday engagements, holiday trips and folks bragging about the things that they’ve received in times past, only for you to find yourself wishing that you were them — or putting pressure on yourself and those in your world to keep up.
Listen, it is King Solomon who once said, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) and “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones” (Proverbs 14:30 — NKJV) and he’s considered to be the wisest man who ever lived (during his time — I Kings 4:30). Yeah, both of these verses are a spiritual reminder that whatever you are planning to do or give, do it out of the goodness of your heart — not so that you can low-key “outdo” the next guy.
4. No Need to “Tit-for-Tat”
GiphyThis one might be a bit controversial yet I’m totally okay with that. I don’t care what the occasion is, no one is OWED a present. A gift is a voluntary token of one’s appreciation or affection. That said, if you decide to give someone a present this year, don’t automatically expect something in return. If you get something, cool. If not, if you were giving for the right reasons, it really shouldn’t matter (RIGHT?). On the flip side, if someone decides to get you something and you don’t have something to offer in return, also cool.
Other than going to someone’s home for a holiday dinner or party, for anyone to feel like they should have something in hand because someone else does…that’s not giving, that’s competing — and that absolutely should not be the spirit that you are in (or around) during this time of year.
Again, a gift is not an obligatory thing. If you’ve always thought otherwise, it’s time to do some serious reprogramming.
5. Avoid the Pressure to Buy for Lots of Adults
GiphyLast month, Newsweek published an article that said it’s wise to not spend a ton of money purchasing gifts for adults. A financial expert in the piece said that it’s best to buy for kids because, more times than not, you’re going to get adults something that they already have a lot of, they don’t really need or they’re not going to use (beyond maybe regifting) anyway.
If you’re not feeling that insight, my take would be to exchange names and set a price cap for the grown folks. I say that because, I don’t think that people ever outgrow wanting something over Christmas. It’s just that the over-the-top energy should be reserved for the kiddies — and even then, the “4-gift rule” (want, need, read, experience) is probably your best bet for them…financially and otherwise.
6. Go for Thoughtful over Expensive
GiphyIt’s kind of wild how much close-to-torture folks send themselves through to purchase gifts that, a good 6-8 months now, most folks aren’t even going to remember. That’s why it’s also a good idea to purpose in your mind to get something thoughtful over expensive.
Honestly, that’s a big part of the reason why Etsy continues to be a go-to for gifts (for every occasion) for me. It’s because you can oftentimes get things customized/personalized which ends up meaning so much more to people than something that you bought at a generic department store that might have a high price tag yet still lacks in sentimentality and deep meaning.
7. Use Coupons and Promo Codes
GiphyCoupons (and promo codes) are a slippery slope in the sense that…they remind me of when I used to go overboard while thrift store shopping. I say that because, just because I might find several bomb dresses for under $20, what am I going to do with 50 of ‘em (over time)? It’s just as much of a waste of money as buying couture if neither option gets much use.
And that’s kind of the thing about coupons and promo codes. Some people end up overspending because they rationalize that so long as there are discounts attached, it’s all good. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that you should forego coupons and promo codes altogether. The key is to put together your shopping list (and budget) and then use discounts specifically for those items. If you do this, you could save well over $1,000 annually (at least, depending on what you decide to buy).
8. Avoid Add-Ons
GiphyYeah. Dodge add-on expenses. Add-ons like what? The first thing that comes to my mind is a warranty. What’s the chance that someone is actually going to need that? Another example is paying for things to be “professionally” gift wrapped. Chile, throw that stuff in a gift bag with some tissue paper and go on about your day. All good.
9. Rethink Gift Cards
GiphyIf there is any time of the year when there is a noticeable hike in gift card purchases, now would be it. And although they are a convenient approach to gift giving, at the same time, many come with hidden fees, the full amount oftentimes goes unused (which ends up being a waste of money) and they do come with expiration dates that are oftentimes forgotten.
So, if you’re someone who likes to wait until the last minute to do your holiday shopping, resist the urge to impulsively pick up a handful of gift cards. Unless it’s to a place that you know someone is going to use within the next few months, they could end up in somebody’s kitchen drawer for the next couple of years. And what a waste that would be.
10. They’ll Get It When They Do. And That’s Okay.
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GiphyOne more. Although it is super thoughtful and proactive to get people their gifts in time for whatever occasion you purchased them for, if trying to reach that goal is going to require paying for rush shipping that is damn near as high as the price of gift or spending a lot of gas money that you don’t have at the moment to drive miles and miles away — take the pressure off to spend a ton of cash just to make sure that something arrives at December 25. Listen, through doing business with Etsy, I have learned that through this administration, there are all sorts of tariff issues going on and the USPS is slower than ever too, so paying more may not guarantee much.
The hack? Send a message that something special is coming…soon enough. The thought really is what counts (more times than not); plus, it builds anticipation of something good coming, even if it’s after all of the Christmas Day hoopla. And no one (with sense) is going to have a problem with that.
Now don’t you feel better? Happy Holiday Shopping, sis.
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