Some Highly Overlooked Qualities You Should Look For In Your Future Husband


Recently, while I was being interviewed on the topic of relationships, someone asked me if it bothered me to be my age and still single. You know what's interesting? When I was in my late 20s with a boyfriend who hadn't yet proposed, I was bothered. During points in my 30s when I wasn't sure if I wanted to birth kids or not, I was bothered. Now? Absolutely not.

It's no secret that I haven't had sex since I was (whew) 32 and that I'll be 45 soon. One of the things this time of abstinence has done for me is helped me to purge the personalities that came with the people I slept with out of my system (oxytocin is the ultimate super glue, y'all!).

Something else it did was help me get to know who I am sans the preoccupation of being in a relationship. For the first time since, probably ever, I'm very clear on who I am, what I have to offer, what I deserve, and also what I not only desire but expect from my future husband should I ever jump a broom someday.

The things on this list that I'm about to share with you? They're not your typical kinds of characteristics. They're more like…things that I overlooked in the past; things that, either the lack of them have turned out to be major issues in the marriages of couples I work with or they're things that, if they are not present, I already know I won't be fully satisfied with my own union someday.

They're things that go way beyond he's gotta look good, be good in bed, and a protector and provider. All of those are relevant but these right here are what will keep me in the game until death parts him and me.

5 Qualities To Look For In A Husband

1. Empathy

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I'm telling you, when you spend time looking within rather than out at other people (mainly men in this case), you can discover so much about yourself; things that will help you to really know when you've met the right one for you and your life.

Me? Something I discovered, not too long ago, is that I'm an empath. I feel things…deeply. That's why I now get that I expect to be with an empathetic person—someone who is a good listener; someone who puts the needs of others before his own; someone who has natural leadership skills; someone who isn't desensitized to other people's pain…someone who has a strong sense of discernment, doesn't mind spending time alone (because Lord knows I sometimes need it) and puts real effort into trying to see my perspective of things, whether we're debating politics or having an argument about money.

Empathetic people tend to be kind, sensitive, and fully present. I think A LOT of women underestimate how important this quality in a man really and truly is.

2. Proactiveness

LIS-TEN. I didn't put these in the order of importance, but if there is one quality that I didn't require in the past from pretty much any guy I had a relationship or situationship with but is now a total deal-breaker if it's lacking, it was this one. Rather than being proactive, most of the men in my life were reactive. You know what I'm talking about—they tried to make up missing my birthday (reactive) or they'd do something thoughtful after I would bring up that I couldn't remember the last time that they had (reactive).

A reactive man can keep you on the hook for a while because if they go to extreme measures to fix things, you can feel like matters will improve. But the reason why this no longer works for me personally is because a proactive man is going to demonstrate that you're on his mind, that he wants to please you, and that you're so much of a priority that he doesn't need your help (reminders included) to show you just how much you mean to him. He's gonna be thoughtful and on top of things all on his own.

Proactiveness is a superpower and sexy as all get out. Chile, chile…CHILE.

3. Purpose Support

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Something that I make sure to bring up in premarital counseling sessions with couples is that it's important that their purposes complement one another. I'm not saying that they should be the same; I'm saying that they should work together in a way where both are giving the space and support to truly thrive.

A woman who wants a man with a set 9-to-5 schedule doesn't need to marry an entertainer (trust me, their schedules are all over the place; their income tends to be too). A man who wants a traditional housewife needs to think long and hard about being with an entrepreneur (her ambition may clash with his expectations).

So many people—people who truly love one another—end up straight-up resenting each other, all because they feel like their partner is not (pardon the corniness, but it's the first thing that came to mind) the wind beneath their wings but a huge stumbling block.

Mark Twain once said, "The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." My husband needs to celebrate my birthday and support my purpose. Both are non-negotiable. Your husband should do the same. Because if you're married but because of the obstacles from your husband, you're unable to soar in the very lane of why God put you here in the first place…what kind of marriage is that?!

4. ​Appreciation

I don't know about you, but I love hard and I give a lot. I don't have to think about it, it's just who I am. But in the past, rarely did I feel truly appreciated for my efforts. I allowed both men and women to manipulate me into thinking that expecting such a thing meant that my motives for giving were wrong in the first place.

Whatever. Someone who benefits in a relationship who doesn't express gratitude is rude. And if you let them get away with it for too long, that can transfer over into them having a sense of entitlement when it comes to your time, resources, effort, and everything else.

Appreciative people say "thank you." Appreciative people let you know that you matter to them. Appreciative people aren't comfortable with one-sided relationships (they are all about reciprocity). Appreciative people are generous.

I can only imagine how many marriages would avoid their local divorce court if husbands and wives felt truly (and consistently) appreciated.

5. Spiritual Maturity


For me and what I personally expect, I'm saving the best for last. Intellect and wit are huge turn-ons for me, so I never really lacked in those departments with guys. But spiritual maturity? Don't. Get. Me. Started.

I must say that this one right here runs the gamut. I'd like someone who will pray with and for me without my prompting him to. I'd like someone who has such a strong relationship with the Most High that it's one of his most attractive qualities. I'd like someone who finds his spiritual growth and development to be more important than how successful he becomes or how much money he makes. I'd like someone who is intentional about avoiding the people, places, things, and ideas that would tamper with his spirit, my spirit. or our union.

There's one more thing. I adore the Hebrew language and the Hebrew word for spirit is "ru'ach." It means "wind." Wind is air that naturally blows in a horizontal direction. Here comes the wind beneath my wings reference again. I want the kind of man who, due to how mature he is in his spirituality, I can directly attribute his presence and influence to my going to new heights in every area of my own world.

At this stage of my life, I am so serious about my spirituality that I don't just want it—I expect it.

Again, I've seen so many marriages lack in these five areas, that I really do believe these are things that all of us should expect. But even if you don't, I unapologetically do.

It takes a rare and special man to be empathetic and proactive and supportive of my purpose and appreciative and spiritually mature. I desire a rare and special marriage. I can wait. It'll be worth it.

Featured image by Getty Images.

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.


We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

Featured image by Shutterstock

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