Mary J. Blige Shares How She Got Her Power Back After Almost Losing Everything In Her Divorce
Actress and singer Mary J. Blige opened up about how she reclaimed her power after almost losing everything following her grueling divorce from her ex-husband, music producer Kendu Isaacs.
Blige and Isaacs were married for thirteen years, from 2003 to 2016, before the "Good Morning Gorgeous" songstress filed for divorce.
At the time, Blige cited the reason behind the couple's split as "irreconcilable differences." Despite the previous claims, it would ultimately be revealed that toxicity within their relationship and alleged infidelity on Isaacs' part played a major role in their demise.
ENews! reports that during the divorce proceedings, Blige --who had a prenuptial agreement that "waived any spousal support"--was ordered to pay her ex about $30,000 a month in alimony, significantly less than the original $129,319 a month Isaacs asked to maintain his lifestyle and the additional legal fees. Blige and Isaacs' divorce was officially finalized in June 2018.
Since then, the 52-year-old has shared details about her financial struggles while trying to keep up with the payments. Blige was allegedly millions of dollars in debt and claimed that because of the monthly alimony to Isaacs, there were times that she couldn't afford her rent.
In a recent interview with Afrotech, Blige recalled those challenging moments in her life, how she got through them, and the lessons she learned over the years.
Mary J. Blige On The Hard Times Following Her Divorce
In the May discussion, the "Real Love" vocalist disclosed that she was forced to return to work after her divorce was finalized because she "had nothing" left.
Blige explained that because of her name and celebrity status, she sought various job opportunities, such as music, films, television shows, paid partnerships, and touring, to make some income.
"That moment was when I got a divorce and got hit with all of that alimony. I was like, 'OK.' I never realized that this could happen to me in that way, and I was like at the bottom," she said. "I had nothing when I left out of that marriage and I had to work. I had my name, you know, so I had to work and so I did. I went on tour, I had to do everything to make that money to pay out the alimony."
To date, Blige's most recent work includes becoming an author, portraying the role of Monet Tejada in Starz Power Book II: Ghost, executive producing two Lifetime projects that are based on her song "Real Love" and the album "Strength of a Woman," and releasing her fourteenth studio album "Good Morning Gorgeous."
Mary On The Lessons She's Learned After Divorce
As the topic shifted to what Blige has learned throughout the entire ordeal, the "Take Me as I Am" singer explained that during her journey, she realized how important it is to not put her life "in someone else's hands" and to stay on top of everything, including finances.
Blige would add that with the pain she endured in her divorce and feeling helpless following the verdict, she would "never want to feel like that again," so she is taking the appropriate steps to prevent it.
"I realized that I put my life in someone else's hands that wouldn't take care of me. Now, I'm all over my business. I'm all over my finances. I'm all over my life because that was a painful feeling. I felt so weak and helpless, and I never want to feel like that again. So that's my aha moment… my divorce," she stated.
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Feature image by Derek White/Getty Images for Strength Of A Woman Festival & Summit
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images