Vaginas should be spoiled — full stop. Sexual pleasure comes from them. Babies come out of them. And shoot, those two reasons alone are enough to totally prove my point. And since this is the time of the year when we tend to do a ton of intentionality into gift-giving, I thought that it would be a great opportunity to add on to an article that I wrote (wow!) almost five years ago: “Here's What Your Vagina Wants For Christmas (No, Really).”
Because really, as you’re going down the list of all of the people who you want to get something for, are you even on it? If not, you definitely should be because I agree with a survey that I once read that said that many people are big on “self-gifting” because 1) it’s important to them, 2) they see it as a reward, and 3) it’s a great way to lift their spirits.
That said, when you factor your vagina into all of this, another article that I penned for the platform a while back is “Vaginas Are Like Plants. Here's What I Mean By That.” In it, one of the things that I mentioned is when you actually speak positively to and about your “treasure box,” it can help to boost your self-confidence. That being the case, I’m just providing one more way that you can elevate your self-esteem (including your sexual self-esteem) as you remind yourself that since every inch of you is special, every part should certainly be celebrated.
That said, let’s get into 10 things that your vagina and vulva would be so happy to receive this holiday season.
1. A Vagina-Themed Food Basket
If I were to offer you $25 on the spot to list 10 foods that are proven to be beneficial to your vagina’s overall health and well-being, could you do it? If you’re an avid supporter of the site, you should be able to because, over the years, I’ve written pieces like “The Foods Your Vagina's Been Craving,” “Put Your Vagina On A 'Summer Diet' This Year,” “10 Fall Foods That Are Really Good For Your Vaginal Health” and “This Is How To Eat Your Way To A Wetter (Yes, Wetter) Vagina.”
The reason why it’s important to know things like this is because studies show that consuming a ton of processed foods not only has the ability to suppress your immunity, but it can also make you more susceptible to vaginal infections and even vaginal dryness.
So, why not put some of the foods that are mentioned in those articles into a basket, wrap them in cellophane, put a big bright bow on top, and place it on your kitchen table in time for Christmas? Your vagina will dig it — the rest of your system will too.
2. Bikini Line Moisturizer
The reality is the skin that’s around your bikini area is more sensitive than you probably think it is. And so, if you shave there often and you want to reduce your chances of getting razor bumps, moisturize. Adding to that, since removing hair down below removes a top layer of skin as well, in order to avoid ending up with dry (and irritated) skin, moisturize.
Wanna keep your skin looking great after removing hair? Yep, you guessed it — moisturize. Although there’s a particular carrier oil that can get the job done that I will discuss here in a moment, there are also moisturizers that were created specifically for your bikini line region. A list of some popular ones is located here and here.
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3. Hybrid Lubricant
Whether your hormones are shifting these days, and that’s got you a bit drier in and around your va-jay-jay than you would like, or you simply want to be wetter because, during sex, that way truly is better, you can never go wrong with a tube of hybrid lubricant. If you’re wondering what that is, it’s a blend of silicone and water-based lubricant that’s especially awesome if you’re someone who likes to participate in anal sex, you enjoy using sex toys a lot and/or shower sex (check out “So, This Is How To Make Shower Sex So Much Better”) is totally your thing. Why? Well, when you use hybrid lubricant, it tends to last longer than a water-only lube does.
Also, since it has the “slip” of the silicone, you can experience less friction during intercourse which ultimately makes for a more pleasurable experience all around. At the end of the day, what it all boils down to is a hybrid lubricant is able to give you the best of both worlds. For the record, a hybrid lube that has a great reputation for not being sticky, not staining, and working really well with both condoms and sex toys is Sliquid Silk. At under $25 for around an eight-ounce bottle, that makes it even more of a win.
4. Jojoba Oil
As far as skincare goes, it is my personal opinion that everyone should have some jojoba oil in their possession. It’s loaded with vitamin E which nurtures your skin. It deeply penetrates dry skin. It helps to soothe skin issues like eczema and psoriasis. It also helps to fight acne and reduce signs of aging.
And why will your vagina enjoy it so? Well, another thing that jojoba oil contains is antioxidants as well as antimicrobial and antifungal properties — some of which have been proven to kill candida (which can lead to a yeast infection). So, if you’d like an affordable oil that is great foryour vulva region, without question, jojoba oil is that one.
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5. Seasonal Vajacials
If you’ve never heard of a vajacial before, it’s basically a “facial” for your vagina — well, actually, your vulva. As far as if you actually “need” them or not, the reviews are mixed. Personally, I’m all about them if you’re someone who does pubic hair removal on a consistent basis because they can help to soothe your vulva after getting waxed, can help to prevent ingrown hairs, and they can also exfoliate any dead skin cells that could lead to build-up or irritation.
To me, the key is to make sure that a licensed esthetician does them for you and that they focus on your vulva (the outer part of your vagina) only. If you keep that in mind and get one around four times a year, I can attest to the fact that your vulvar skin will be all the better for it.
6. Pelvic Floor Massager
Whether you’ve recently had a baby (vaginally) and you’re looking to speed up the healing process, you’ve been experiencing some pain or discomfort during sex and you’d like some relief, or you’re dealing with a bit of incontinence, a pelvic floor massager (some call it a pelvic floor wand) could be the solution to your problems. That’s because it’s specifically designed to gently apply pressure to your pelvic floor in a way that increases blood circulation, soothes trigger points, and strengthens weaker tissues in your pelvic floor area.
For the record, although these can be pretty effective, it is important to speak with your doctor or, even better, a pelvic floor therapist — just so they can confirm if you actually need to use the massager and, if so, for how long. Some options for reputable pelvic floor massagers are located right here.
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7. Tanga Panties
If it’s time to get some new drawers (and if it’s been longer than six months, the answer would be “yes”), get your vagina some tanga panties. If you’re not exactly sure what those are, they’re underwear that’s a blend of half thong and half Brazilian briefs. What I personally like about them is they provide the sexiness of a thong while having the comfort (and coverage) of a pair of briefs. And since that is the case (and you don’t have fabric that is all bunched up in that space), your vagina is able to breathe better than it probably would in a thong — and that means less (potential) yeast infections. Yay!
8. Vaginal Gummies
You probably already know that taking a probiotic is a great way to care for your vagina from the inside out. Okay, but what about the gummies craze that seems to be going on as far as health-related supplements go? Are they good for your vagina too? Well, what a lot of health experts will say is although your system may not exactly “need” them, many of the gummies do contain a particular strain of probiotic that can help to keep your vagina in good condition as far as its flora and reducing your chances of getting bacterial vaginosis go.
Plus, gummies tend to taste pretty good, which is always a bonus. If you’d like to read up on a variety of vaginal gummies options, Amazon has quite a few to choose from here.
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9. Rose Water
Whether you decide to purchase some rose water or make it yourself (recipe here), please give it a shot. All of the antioxidants in rose water can help to soothe skin irritation, its antiseptic and analgesic properties will help to treat minor skin infections and, when used on at least a semi-consistent basis, rose water can help to slow down the aging process of your skin as well.
And here’s the thing — since vulvar skin can age just like the rest of your body (check out “Vaginas Age Just Like Everything Else. You Can Slow It Down, Though.” and “Keep Your Vagina Like A (Literal) Fountain Of Youth”), soaking in some rose water while taking a bath can certainly do wonders for your vulva and vagina.
Also, rose water (in its purest form, which is roses and water only) can help to balance your vulva skin’s pH levels, deeply hydrate that area of your body, and also bring relief to minor razor burns. And just where can you find some pure rose water? NatureVibe Botanicals Rose Water is a fan favorite for many. You can purchase a bottle of it here.
10. A Book That Celebrates the Diversity of Vulvas
As we prepare to (pun intended) wrap this Christmas shopping list up, at some point, please make the time to read “Did You Know That There Are 10 Different Kinds Of Vaginas? Yep.” Although all of our vaginas basically do the same thing, our vulvas (the outer part of our vaginas) don’t all look just alike — and that’s a good thing. Unfortunately, there is solid evidence out here that says that a part of the reason why labiaplasties are on the rise is that women are viewing porn and wanting their vulvas to look like the people they see on the screen. SMDH.
And that’s why I think it’s cool that there are books out here like A Celebration of Vulva Diversity – A Book by The Vulva Gallery. It’s a visual reminder that our individuality is one of our greatest superpowers…even when it comes to our vulvas. So, get yourself a copy and smile while flipping through it. However your vulva looks, it’s that way by design. Happy Shopping-for-Your-Vagina-Especially-So season, sis!
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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