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Did You Know That There Are 10 Different Kinds Of Vaginas? Yep.
Now, before I go any deeper, when I say "vagina", I'm not actually referring to the inner tube where penises go in and babies come out. I'm using this term because it's the common way most of us refer to our labia (our vagina's inner and outer lips) and, to a certain extent, our vulva, in general (the area that consists of what our pubic hair covers, our lips, our clitoris, our urethral opening [which is where we urinate] and our vaginal opening).
Keeping all of this in mind, did you know that labiaplasties (a surgical procedure in which the labia is reconstructed) have gone up over 200 percent over the past few years and one of the main reasons why is because some women feel like their vagina is "ugly"? Listen, when it comes to cosmetic procedures, it really is to each their own. However, every surgical procedure comes with its customized set of risks. Cosmetic surgery ain't cheap. Plus, if you're only considering a labiaplasty because you feel like your vagina is unattractive or "not right", let me just tell you right now that perspective couldn't be further from the truth. I don't have to see it to say it. The fact that there are a variety of different ones automatically proves my point.
And just what do I mean by "different ones"? That's what I'm gonna share with you today—the reality surrounding the fact that when it comes to our vulva area, there are different kinds of lips, not everyone's clit is the same size and actually, our labias aren't even all the same color. Knowing this is what I hope will help every woman who's reading this to fall totally in love with their vagina, no matter what it looks like.
Is There Such a Thing As an “Abnormal” Vagina?
When it comes to the difference between a so-called normal or abnormal vagina, I'm gonna be honest with you—that isn't what the focus should be. Vaginas come in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colors, so what you need to be far more concerned with is if your vagina is healthy or not. If you've got a rash or warts; if your vagina is itchy or irritable; if you see some discharge that is a different scent or color than what you're used to; if your inner lips (more on that in a sec) are suddenly a different color, and/or if you're experiencing pain during intercourse, then this is when you should be concerned.
Otherwise, if you're simply wondering if something is wrong because you're not sure what "right" is, aesthetically speaking, let me break down the varieties that vaginas tend to come in.
10 Different Traits of Vaginas
1. Small Lips
What does it mean if you've got small lips? First, let's talk about the technical terms for your lips down below. You've got the labia majora which is your outer lips (you know, the set of lips that you see just by standing in the mirror and looking directly at your vulva area) and you've got the labia minora; it's the part of your lips that your clitoris is connected to.
When you've got small lips, this means your lips the have a tendency to lay pretty fat against your pelvic bone. Sometimes the lips meet so that your clitoris and inner lips aren't exposed; sometimes they are open so that your inner lips can be easily seen.
An interesting fun fact about these lips is while they are prominent in adult entertainment, they're actually less common than some of the other types of vaginas that I'm about to share with you (another "fun fact"? The trend of going without pubic hair is also heavily influenced by adult entertainment because so many of the women in the industry don't have any).
2. Curvy Lips
When I think of how to describe a vagina that has curvy lips, what immediately comes to mind is the shape of a wishbone. Basically, the outer lips curve in such a way that the ends of them meet which can sometimes leave your clitoris exposed. It's no biggie except for the fact that you might want to take a Q-Tip and some oil (like coconut, avocado, grapeseed or sweet almond oil), gently pull back your clitoral hood and clean your vagina out; sometimes it being exposed can make it more susceptible to collecting lint 'n stuff.3. Asymmetrical Lips
My left breast is actually a little bit larger than my right. I didn't notice until my girls decided to show all the way out and become an H cup. At first it irked me a bit but the more that I accept that things like breasts, eyebrows, feet, etc. are "sisters" and not "twins", it really is whatever. So long as both of them are healthy, it's all good. That said, there are some women who have asymmetrical lips. All this means is that one lip may be larger or "thicker" than the other. It's not a sign that anything is wrong. It's just another "sistah thang" that you've got going on.
4. Large Outer Lips
These are the kind of lips that have a nickname 'round some parts. If you've ever heard a vagina be referred to as being a "fatty", it's usually because a woman's outer lips are…"fluffy" is the word that comes to mind. It's because that area has skin that is either thicker or even somewhat looser than some other vulvas are. Sometimes, it might make you feel self-conscious when it comes to wearing a bathing suit but girl, it shouldn't. Cushy vaginas ain't nothin' to be ashamed of. I know some folks who are big time fans of 'em. #wink
5. Large Inner Lips
OK, so remember how I said earlier that there is the labia majora and then there's the labia minora? In some instances, instead of the lips that are on the outside (the labia majora) being larger, it's actually the lips that are on the inside (the labia minora) that are. It usually just means that your inner lips feel "meatier" to the touch.
6. Long Outer Lips
When you've got large outer lips, they are fluffy, right? Well, when you have long outer lips, it typically means that they are made from a thinner layer of skin and that they extend down maybe an inch or two longer than other outer vaginal lips do. Again, perfectly fine.
7. Long Inner Lips
What if your inner lips seem to dangle far past your outer lips, sometimes to the point where you've got extra folds of skin or where your lips seem to stick out of your panties? All this means is that your inner lips are really long. This isn't uncommon either. In fact, some women's inner lips can hang over an inch past their outer lips.
8. Small Clitoris
I've written about clitorises on this platform before (check out "10 Things I Bet You Didn't Know About Your Clitoris" and "7 Reasons You Should TOTALLY Be In Love With Your Clitoral Hood"). What I continue to find to be interesting about this particular part of our body is that the only real purpose it seems to serve is providing us women with sexual pleasure (and praise the Lord for that!). Well, that and the fact that like penises, a clitoris is able to become erect and it has foreskin (hence the clitoral hood).
As far as what the "normal" size of clitoris should be, there really is no such thing. Some women have small clitorises that are around the size of a pea, although it should go on record that clitorises do range anywhere from 0.2 to 3.5 cm long and up to 1 cm wide. Anyway, if you've got a tiny one, that's not a problem. It's just a part of what makes you…you.
9. Big Clitoris
And what if your clitoris is on the far larger size? No worries there either because there are some that can easily compare to the size of the greater part of a thumb. The bonus when it comes to those is they can make climaxing easier. On the other hand, the challenge is that sometimes they are so sensitive that you may get aroused at times when you're not exactly aiming to. Either way, I know some women who wish their clitoris was smaller. When it comes to having orgasms, they should actually count themselves to be quite blessed.
10. Vaginas Aren't All Pink, Either
OK, when it comes to this particular point, I'm referring to your actual vagina and your labia minora (inner lips) because when it comes to your outer lips (labia majora), they're usually the color of the rest of your skin. Your vagina, specifically, though—it can be pink, red, pink or reddish brown or even a burgundy color. It's also not uncommon for it to have a little bit of discoloration to it.
This is why I'm all for performing vaginal self-exams, at least once a season, because they can help you to get used to how your vagina normally appears. That way, if something seems different, you'll know that you need to get your vagina checked out.
For instance, if your vagina is typically a deep pink color and it turns red, it could be a heads up that the area is irritated; perhaps that you've got a yeast infection. The moral to this point is, you might've heard that all vaginas are pink and that's simply not the case. Shades of pinks, reds, pink or reddish-browns or wines are perfectly fine too.
Now That You Know, Love on “Her”
OK, so now that you see that vaginas run the gamut on the variety tip, I hope you also get that there is absolutely no reason to think that anything is wrong with how yours appears. Automatically, it's beautiful, because it looks how it was created to—and trust me, honey, men feel honored to be in the presence of one, just because. I am learning more and more that they are not nearly as picky about our bodies as we tend to be, so if that is the root of your hesitation, let that go too.
Not too long ago, I penned "When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?" for the site. Before another week goes by, make some time to check it out and then follow through on some of the tips. You are unique and your vagina is a part of you. Salute that fact. You both deserve for you to.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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