Now, before I go any deeper, when I say "vagina", I'm not actually referring to the inner tube where penises go in and babies come out. I'm using this term because it's the common way most of us refer to our labia (our vagina's inner and outer lips) and, to a certain extent, our vulva, in general (the area that consists of what our pubic hair covers, our lips, our clitoris, our urethral opening [which is where we urinate] and our vaginal opening).
Keeping all of this in mind, did you know that labiaplasties (a surgical procedure in which the labia is reconstructed) have gone up over 200 percent over the past few years and one of the main reasons why is because some women feel like their vagina is "ugly"? Listen, when it comes to cosmetic procedures, it really is to each their own. However, every surgical procedure comes with its customized set of risks. Cosmetic surgery ain't cheap. Plus, if you're only considering a labiaplasty because you feel like your vagina is unattractive or "not right", let me just tell you right now that perspective couldn't be further from the truth. I don't have to see it to say it. The fact that there are a variety of different ones automatically proves my point.
And just what do I mean by "different ones"? That's what I'm gonna share with you today—the reality surrounding the fact that when it comes to our vulva area, there are different kinds of lips, not everyone's clit is the same size and actually, our labias aren't even all the same color. Knowing this is what I hope will help every woman who's reading this to fall totally in love with their vagina, no matter what it looks like.
Is There Such a Thing As an “Abnormal” Vagina?
When it comes to the difference between a so-called normal or abnormal vagina, I'm gonna be honest with you—that isn't what the focus should be. Vaginas come in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colors, so what you need to be far more concerned with is if your vagina is healthy or not. If you've got a rash or warts; if your vagina is itchy or irritable; if you see some discharge that is a different scent or color than what you're used to; if your inner lips (more on that in a sec) are suddenly a different color, and/or if you're experiencing pain during intercourse, then this is when you should be concerned.
Otherwise, if you're simply wondering if something is wrong because you're not sure what "right" is, aesthetically speaking, let me break down the varieties that vaginas tend to come in.
10 Different Traits of Vaginas
1. Small Lips
What does it mean if you've got small lips? First, let's talk about the technical terms for your lips down below. You've got the labia majora which is your outer lips (you know, the set of lips that you see just by standing in the mirror and looking directly at your vulva area) and you've got the labia minora; it's the part of your lips that your clitoris is connected to.
When you've got small lips, this means your lips the have a tendency to lay pretty fat against your pelvic bone. Sometimes the lips meet so that your clitoris and inner lips aren't exposed; sometimes they are open so that your inner lips can be easily seen.
An interesting fun fact about these lips is while they are prominent in adult entertainment, they're actually less common than some of the other types of vaginas that I'm about to share with you (another "fun fact"? The trend of going without pubic hair is also heavily influenced by adult entertainment because so many of the women in the industry don't have any).
2. Curvy Lips
When I think of how to describe a vagina that has curvy lips, what immediately comes to mind is the shape of a wishbone. Basically, the outer lips curve in such a way that the ends of them meet which can sometimes leave your clitoris exposed. It's no biggie except for the fact that you might want to take a Q-Tip and some oil (like coconut, avocado, grapeseed or sweet almond oil), gently pull back your clitoral hood and clean your vagina out; sometimes it being exposed can make it more susceptible to collecting lint 'n stuff.3. Asymmetrical Lips
My left breast is actually a little bit larger than my right. I didn't notice until my girls decided to show all the way out and become an H cup. At first it irked me a bit but the more that I accept that things like breasts, eyebrows, feet, etc. are "sisters" and not "twins", it really is whatever. So long as both of them are healthy, it's all good. That said, there are some women who have asymmetrical lips. All this means is that one lip may be larger or "thicker" than the other. It's not a sign that anything is wrong. It's just another "sistah thang" that you've got going on.
4. Large Outer Lips
These are the kind of lips that have a nickname 'round some parts. If you've ever heard a vagina be referred to as being a "fatty", it's usually because a woman's outer lips are…"fluffy" is the word that comes to mind. It's because that area has skin that is either thicker or even somewhat looser than some other vulvas are. Sometimes, it might make you feel self-conscious when it comes to wearing a bathing suit but girl, it shouldn't. Cushy vaginas ain't nothin' to be ashamed of. I know some folks who are big time fans of 'em. #wink
5. Large Inner Lips
OK, so remember how I said earlier that there is the labia majora and then there's the labia minora? In some instances, instead of the lips that are on the outside (the labia majora) being larger, it's actually the lips that are on the inside (the labia minora) that are. It usually just means that your inner lips feel "meatier" to the touch.
6. Long Outer Lips
When you've got large outer lips, they are fluffy, right? Well, when you have long outer lips, it typically means that they are made from a thinner layer of skin and that they extend down maybe an inch or two longer than other outer vaginal lips do. Again, perfectly fine.
7. Long Inner Lips
What if your inner lips seem to dangle far past your outer lips, sometimes to the point where you've got extra folds of skin or where your lips seem to stick out of your panties? All this means is that your inner lips are really long. This isn't uncommon either. In fact, some women's inner lips can hang over an inch past their outer lips.
8. Small Clitoris
I've written about clitorises on this platform before (check out "10 Things I Bet You Didn't Know About Your Clitoris" and "7 Reasons You Should TOTALLY Be In Love With Your Clitoral Hood"). What I continue to find to be interesting about this particular part of our body is that the only real purpose it seems to serve is providing us women with sexual pleasure (and praise the Lord for that!). Well, that and the fact that like penises, a clitoris is able to become erect and it has foreskin (hence the clitoral hood).
As far as what the "normal" size of clitoris should be, there really is no such thing. Some women have small clitorises that are around the size of a pea, although it should go on record that clitorises do range anywhere from 0.2 to 3.5 cm long and up to 1 cm wide. Anyway, if you've got a tiny one, that's not a problem. It's just a part of what makes you…you.
9. Big Clitoris
And what if your clitoris is on the far larger size? No worries there either because there are some that can easily compare to the size of the greater part of a thumb. The bonus when it comes to those is they can make climaxing easier. On the other hand, the challenge is that sometimes they are so sensitive that you may get aroused at times when you're not exactly aiming to. Either way, I know some women who wish their clitoris was smaller. When it comes to having orgasms, they should actually count themselves to be quite blessed.
10. Vaginas Aren't All Pink, Either
OK, when it comes to this particular point, I'm referring to your actual vagina and your labia minora (inner lips) because when it comes to your outer lips (labia majora), they're usually the color of the rest of your skin. Your vagina, specifically, though—it can be pink, red, pink or reddish brown or even a burgundy color. It's also not uncommon for it to have a little bit of discoloration to it.
This is why I'm all for performing vaginal self-exams, at least once a season, because they can help you to get used to how your vagina normally appears. That way, if something seems different, you'll know that you need to get your vagina checked out.
For instance, if your vagina is typically a deep pink color and it turns red, it could be a heads up that the area is irritated; perhaps that you've got a yeast infection. The moral to this point is, you might've heard that all vaginas are pink and that's simply not the case. Shades of pinks, reds, pink or reddish-browns or wines are perfectly fine too.
Now That You Know, Love on “Her”
OK, so now that you see that vaginas run the gamut on the variety tip, I hope you also get that there is absolutely no reason to think that anything is wrong with how yours appears. Automatically, it's beautiful, because it looks how it was created to—and trust me, honey, men feel honored to be in the presence of one, just because. I am learning more and more that they are not nearly as picky about our bodies as we tend to be, so if that is the root of your hesitation, let that go too.
Not too long ago, I penned "When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?" for the site. Before another week goes by, make some time to check it out and then follow through on some of the tips. You are unique and your vagina is a part of you. Salute that fact. You both deserve for you to.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
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Since turning 30, three years ago, I have been on a journey of self-improvement and healing. During this time, I've adopted daily practices like meditation, journaling, and speaking affirmations over my life. I also began reading spiritual and self-help books like The Alchemist and The Mountain Is You.
These tools have changed my life drastically as I have become more self-confident and developed more self-love. Lately, one of my go-to's for a spiritual boost is listening to podcasts. There are so many podcasts to choose from nowadays, and they aren't created equally.
However, if you're looking for a podcast that speaks to your soul and helps you in your personal development, then check out the 10 podcasts below.
Balanced Black Girl
Balanced Black Girl is a podcast focusing on personal development, self-care, and more. Hosted by Les, adding this podcast to your list is a great start to developing better habits.
Take Back Your Mind
Take Back Your Mind is a podcast by Agape Church founder and pastor Michael B. Beckwith. This podcast touches on various topics like spirituality, purpose, mindfulness, and more.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
On Purpose with Jay Shetty features many guests, from Big Sean to former First Lady Michelle Obama, as they open up about their tips for success and biggest life lessons.
Keep It Positive, Sweetie
Sistas actress Crystal Renee Hayslett created the Keep It Positive, Sweetie podcast, which hones in on discussions like family, second chances, and the art of submission.
Diary of A CEO
Diary of A CEO is more than a business podcast. It highlights many conversations like how to sleep better, the benefits of fasting, and how to reduce toxins in your body.
Being Her
Margarita Nazarenko has built a loyal fanbase on social media from her straight, no-chaser advice on dating, and recently, she launched a podcast called Being Her. The podcast digs a little deeper into feminine energy, manifestation, and, of course, dating.
Healed Girl Era
Gia Peppers hosts the Healed Girl Era podcast, and the name says it all. If you're in your healed girl era or want to get in your healed girl era, then this podcast is for you as Gia and guests tackle topics like self-love and finding your joy.
Super Soul
Oprah's Super Soul podcast features interviews from a wide range of thought leaders in health and wellness, spirituality, and entertainment.
Everybody's Crazy
Everybody's Crazy is hosted by best friends April McDaniel and Savannah James as they open up about their friendship and navigating life. However, their girl talk doesn't shy away from tough conversations like grief and mom guilt and how to overcome it all.
Therapy For Black Girls
Therapy For Black Girls is a mental health podcast hosted by psychologist Dr. Joy Harden Bradford. The podcast covers everything, from dealing with depression to superwoman syndrome.
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