Something that I've noticed that y'all love to read (and respond to) on our site is articles about friendship. I really dig that too. To me, it's a sign that, as grown Black women, we all know that there is real value in having that kind of connection, whether it's with other women or platonic friendship with men. But because we're all human, AND WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES (that's in all caps for extra emphasis), sometimes we can find ourselves in relationships that can become so broken that they end up ending. It's due to the fact that the issues, pain or offenses are so layered or deep that we don't see any other recourse.
I've read enough comments on our posts about challenges in friendships to know that some of you feel like once a friendship "breaks", it's irreparable. But I don't. Mostly, it's because, I've had instances where a friend of mine and I have called it quits, grown during the time apart, and then come back together—better than ever. Rebuilding a broken friendship is indeed possible. It's all about knowing if it's worth it, keeping an open mind and then applying the tips that I have shared below.
Take Time to Grieve
When I think about the friendships that took me a long time to emotionally move on from versus the ones that I was able to process, heal and get over in a fairly short amount of time, the main difference was that, in the former, I didn't fully go through the grieving process.
Hear me when I say that if you actually got to a point and place with someone where you let them into your life enough to call them your "friend", then, I don't care what caused the two of you to end your relationship, it's a loss. And when we lose things, we need time to be able to grieve them.
If you're not sure what the grieving process consists of, the stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It's only once you've thoroughly processed through all of these steps that you can be really sure that you're at a point and place where you're emotionally ready to even consider reconciliation with someone; especially if it's someone who hurt (or even just disappointed) you on a deep and profound level.
Get Clear on What Went Wrong
Once you know that you've gone through all of the stages of grief, to the point where you can fully accept the reality of where and how things are now, it's time to ponder what actually caused things to go left between you and your (former) friend. See, when you're in denial or angry (the first two grieving phases), it's easy to have a tainted and/or one-sided perspective. You might be tempted to blame everything on them or not want to look at where you also possibly made some mistakes along the way too (think of the Issa and Molly, from Insecure, dynamic; they both had some things they could do better).
For instance, I remember when one of my friends ghosted me out of nowhere. Because I used to be a codependent type of person, I initially took on all of the blame. But then I thought about how, especially over the last 2-3 years of our friendship, how many times I reached out to her, I initiated us hanging out, how often she told me that she pretty much thought she sucked at all relationships, and that she was still learning what love meant. Because we had been in each other's lives for so long, I never really thought about what I wasn't getting from her. But when I really stepped back and looked at the relationship from a broader scope, in all actuality, it probably ran its course, well before she ghosted. I simply had ignored the warning signs. Yet once I accepted that reality for what it was, it was easier to come to the conclusion that releasing her was best. All the way around. That there were too many broken pieces to actually rebuild; especially since her past patterns made it pretty evident that I would be doing most of the work, per usual, if we tried to move forward.
Ask Yourself If You’ve Grown in Your Own Weaknesses
Meanwhile, there's another friend of mine where, we took a break for a season. About a year, actually. She has always been my call-me-out-on-my-ish and I-want-to-see-it-from-another-angle friend, so it was pretty much par for the course when, while going through a heartbreak, she wanted to talk about all of the things that I could've done differently while trying to see why "he" was being a complete and total ass. At the time, I didn't need critical thinking. I was devastated. What I needed was comfort. Anyway, my friends know that I will communicate my needs, almost ad nauseum, so it wasn't that she was unaware of all of this. I told her. Several times. Still, she kept pushing…and pushing…to where I finally snapped and told her that I needed some space. And yes, that space equated to being approximately 12 months. Not really on purpose. But in hindsight, it was very necessary.
During that time, I thought about why it got to that boiling point for me. I realized that, because I grew up as a victim of a few forms of abuse, among church folks who either downplayed or tried to tell me that I didn't know what I was talking about because I was in a "popular" family (chile, that's an article within itself), I never really knew what it meant to feel validated. So, when I would experience pain as an adult and someone didn't console me and/or would challenge me before consoling me, it would take me back to my childhood. All things work together though, because, you know what? If I had remained in the relationship with my friend, without the break, I probably wouldn't have figured all of that out. Plus, during that season of us being apart, she told me that she learned that her timing and approach needed to improve. Not just with me but across the board.
Sometimes, things break in order to come back together. But what's the point in rebuilding a friendship if things aren't going to be better than they were before? That's why assessing your own weaknesses is beneficial before reconciling with a friend.
This brings me to my next point.
Make Sure There Is Actually Something to Go Back To
The first friendship that I referenced, I was doing more giving than what I was getting. Because of how much history she and I have, and the amount of time that we spent together (years and years), I will always care about her, but the relationship is done. The second relationship? Even though we're back to communicating on a consistent basis, I recently got an email, out of the blue, from her about how proud she is of my growth and how much she appreciates me being in her life. She knows that words of affirmation is my primary love language, so she is intentional about speaking it often. Even though there have definitely been bumps along the way, I can truly say that my second friend didn't only benefit me in my past, but she is still blessing me in the present.
If you are considering rebuilding a friendship with someone, it is imperative that you're not just going back because you miss them or what the two of you once shared. Get clear on if they serve you in the here and now and, if you are prepared to do the same for them. Especially since, there's a pretty good chance that the ending of the friendship has changed the both of you—which means that you'll both need to be open to making some adjustments so that your "new normal" can be better than your old friendship once was.
Have a REAL and HUMBLE Discussion (Preferably Face to Face)
Once you've done some real personal self-assessing, if you do think that the friendship is worth reviving, it's time to reach out to have a conversation with your (former) friend. If they are open—and it's been my personal experience that, more times than not, they are—share with them your thoughts about why the friendship ended, what the time apart has personally revealed to you and also why you'd like to try again. Speak in the manner you'd want to be spoken to but try and avoid walking on eggshells. It makes absolutely no sense to restart a friendship if it's not going to be from a pure and genuine place.
Then give your friend the space to share what is on their heart as well. The key is to have an open mind while also internally asking yourself if you feel like the two of you would be good for each other, based on where both of you are, in the moment. It's not about putting up walls, ego trippin' or trying to one-up each other (if either of you feel the need to do all of that, you probably should just leave well enough alone). It's about both of you getting really real, being humble enough to hear each other out and then coming to a conclusion about if you both are willing to put the work in to rebuild the connection again.
Rebuild One Day at a Time
If you both do want to give your friendship another shot, as the old saying goes, Rome wasn't built in a day. Regardless of what caused the break-up in the first place, time is going to need to heal a few things. You're both going to have to learn how to fully trust each other again. You're both going to have to accept each other, based on where the two of you are now (not where you were at the time of the break-up). You're both going to have to make sure that you truly have forgiven one another (which means, not reliving the break-up over and over…and over and over again). And, you're both going to have to move at a different pace as you "relearn" each other on some levels.
As a marriage life coach, I deal with a lot of people who struggle with mending brokenness in relationships. Sometimes, the pain makes us want to build up fortresses rather than extend an olive branch while remaining open to trying again. But when someone is valuable to you, when you are valuable to them, and you're both committed to moving past, whatever "it" was, oftentimes the "reboot" of the relationship can be even better than what the two of you had before. Because you've both learned and you know better—now.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to rebuild a broken friendship. So long as you and your friend are willing to work at it—together. Just remember that it will take work. And yes, you will need to do it…together.
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- How to Fix a Friendship... And Why It's Worth It! | HuffPost Life ›
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And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
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Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
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It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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