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Living Your Best Life Actually Looks Like Decentering Your Mother
As little people – as children – we tend to grow up idolizing our parents. And, for better or worse, we tend to emulate them in so many ways. But the truth is, we cannot be sure which point of view is steeped in our parents' belief system and those that are our own until we do some living. Soul searching, if you will. Arguably, many children (especially teens) have an innate curiosity about the world and may begin to slowly realize they’re not interested in sharing their parents’ P.O.V. on topics such as … let’s say…parenting. But I’m not entirely sure you can fully self-actualize until you’re an adult.
This is the developmental stage where you’re allotted autonomy that prior generations (sans conscious parenting) of children haven’t had access to. According to Allison Sharp, this is a spiritual process known as “decentering” our parents–particularly urging women to decenter their mothers. You’ve probably never heard this language, and that’s because it’s unique to Sharp’s work. And, with its impending popularity, she recently sought out a trademark to ensure she is properly credited for the phrase.
Now, before you get ready to tussle under the assumption that this is a diss track to all the healthy, happy mother-daughter duos. This is not that! In fact, decentering our mothers is a process that should happen regardless of the dynamic of that relationship, according to Sharp. And if we’re being completely transparent, I can attest to the fact that our mothers are our mothers no matter how much of a headcase they also are – and with that comes a desire for approval.
So now imagine you actually come from a mother who is loving and not at all narcissistic – frankly, I’d imagine that I’d value her opinion all the more because I’d idolize her even more.
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Still, this work may feel extremely challenging if you happen to come from a toxic upbringing. Sharp explains, “It is challenging for a woman coming from a narcissistic [and/or] toxic mother because you were told every day to go against your own spirit, and if you follow your spirit, you must be punished. The soul is seen as a liability to a mother who wishes to dismantle you.”
With all of this in mind, it sorta does make sense that the evolution to centering self begins with decentering our mothers rather than men or anyone else. If one is able to “identity outside of the woman [she] shared a body with, drank milk from and came out of, what makes you [men] think [she] can’t find [an] identity outside of you? There is a beautiful confidence that is born from that realization.”
The unfortunate reality is that by seeking her approval, you’re not actually living authentically. Because how could you live in your truth if you value her opinions above all else?
Sharp goes on to paint the picture of how we even come to center our mothers, referencing Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ book, Women Who Run with Wolves.
“It talks about how ‘the Ambivalent mother’ is taunted for having a daughter who is different, and because she is divided emotionally, she eventually gives in and bends her desires to please the village instead of aligning with her daughter. This is oftentimes a pattern within motherhood.” She goes on to add, “For us daughters, we are taught to center our mothers and to center the needs of the village while neglecting ourselves. We begin to grow with a distorted self-image, confidence, and self-esteem because we spent our early womanhood building and tending to others rather than ourselves.”
"For us daughters, we are taught to center our mothers and to center the needs of the village while neglecting ourselves."
1. Reflect on Your Beliefs
Take the time to reflect on your beliefs and opinions. Consider which ones align with your authentic self and which ones may have been inherited from your parents. This self-reflection is crucial in understanding your true values.
2. Establish Boundaries
It's essential to set boundaries to ensure that your decisions and choices are guided by your own needs and desires rather than the expectations or desires of your mother. Clearly define what is acceptable and what is not in terms of influence and interference.
3. Seek Independence
Embrace your autonomy as an adult. Make decisions independently, and don't let the fear of disapproval dictate your choices. Seeking independence allows you to live life on your terms, fostering personal growth and self-discovery.
4. Communicate Openly
Engage in open and honest communication with your mother. Express your thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, even if they differ from hers. Healthy communication is key to building understanding and breaking free from the pattern of centering your mother.
5. Forgive and Let Go
Holding onto resentment or an idealized image of your mother can hinder your journey to authenticity. Forgive past misunderstandings, acknowledge imperfections, and let go of unrealistic expectations. This process is liberating and allows you to reclaim your own narrative.
6. Focus on Self-Care
Prioritize self-care and self-love. Redirect the energy you might have spent seeking approval toward nurturing your well-being. This includes physical, emotional, and mental self-care practices that contribute to your overall happiness and fulfillment.
7. Build a Support System
Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, mentors, or like-minded individuals who encourage your individuality. Having a strong support system outside of the mother-daughter relationship provides additional perspectives and validation.
8. Embrace Your Individuality
Celebrate your uniqueness and embrace your individuality. Understand that it is okay to have different beliefs, dreams, and goals from your mother. Embracing your own path allows you to lead a more fulfilling and authentic life.
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Though doing the work on your own is possible, if you’re anything like me, you may want a therapist to help the process along. Frankly, I imagine this is actually the perfect nontraumatic scenario to reach out to a therapist. In fact, I spoke with Nicole Lewis, LCSW, a Mental Health Therapist and Coach for Black women, and she was able to provide insight on what therapy surrounding this topic may look like.
Lewis says, “I approach the concept of ‘decentering’ when a client tells me they're ready to work on that. Some clients are not aware that their relationships with their mothers could be causing them so much distress. Once they acknowledge that this is an issue that they want to work on, we explore the roles that family members played in their lives. We especially focus on the mother-child relationship and how that dynamic has had an impact on them.”
Though each therapist is different, Lewis shares some of the approaches she might take if any one of us were sitting on her couch or telehealth session.
“A few therapeutic approaches that I use to help support individuals through the process of decentering include Family Systems Therapy to understand the dynamics and interactions within the family. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) helps process emotions, memories, and beliefs related to the mother-child relationship. I also connect clients to other communities or support groups to build their support systems, as it is difficult to work through this alone.”
What happens if there’s a bump in the road? Well, “there are many ways to address potential challenges or resistance that clients might face in therapy, including building a rapport with the client so they can feel safe while discussing their thoughts, normalizing and validating their feelings, identifying core beliefs that produce internal conflicts about the mother-child relationship, collaborating with the client on the goals they want to reach when decentering their mother, and providing plenty of psychoeducation on codependency, attachment, estrangement, and fear of abandonment.”
Whatever you take away from this, please keep in mind that decentering your mother is not about severing ties or disrespecting her. It's a transformative journey towards reclaiming your own identity, making choices that resonate with your true self, and living authentically. And, the consequence of never knowing you outside of her – of never removing her from “the pedestal,” Sharp continues, “you will go your whole life searching for answers outside of you that only lie within you.”
But more than anything, I encourage everyone in the process of or beginning the process to give yourself space and grace to feel all the things that may come with that – especially those of us who come from toxic or narcissistic mothers. Remember that every time you’ve attempted to “follow your spirit,” you were likely punished.
She adds, and I think this piece is really important in the sentiment of being gracious with yourself, “A woman who is resurrecting is unlearning all the things that once rang as truth to her. That kind of work is incredibly hard and heartbreaking.”
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Tubi has been gaining popularity due to its free sign-up and a vast selection of series and films. According to Deadline, the FAST (free ad-streaming television) service has seen a 14.7% growth from May and now has similar numbers to Disney+. So while many people have joked about Tubi having low-budget movies, the numbers don't lie.
In fact, I was one of those people who didn't get the appeal of Tubi, but the more I watched it, the more I enjoyed the content. They have some of our favorite TV series, such as Scandal and Star, as well as big films like the Fast and Furious franchise and cult classic Love & Basketball.
Tubi even has its own original movies and series that are just as entertaining. But while Tubi is on the come up, some of the low-budget movies and hood movies are still a must-watch. From Tubi originals to the hood movies, we've put together a list of shows and movies to add to your watchlist.
Cinnamon
Cinnamon is an original Tubi movie that stars Hailey Kilgore (Juke from Power Book III: Raising Kanan), Damon Wayans, and Pam Grier. It's a love story gone awry after a robbery turns deadly, and a young couple faces many challenges to make it out alive.
The Dirty D
The Dirty D is one of the first things I watched on Tubi, as many people highly recommended it. It's a series set in a Detroit club, and it has all the drama you can think of. Murder, drug dealing, cheating, greed, and more.
Black Men Don't Cheat
In this film, a young woman grapples with the death of her husband while also discovering his secret life, which puts her in danger.
Mother May I
This movie fully captivates the overbearing mother. However, the ending will shock you as she goes a little too far.
The Stepdaughter
When a young girl moves in with her dad and his new wife, a series of unfortunate events occurs. This Tubi original will keep your attention with every turn.
These Men For Everybody
These Men For Everybody is a film that highlights the tangled web of friendships and relationships and how you can't trust anybody.
Best Friend
What happens when your best friend is obsessed with you? This movie, which stars Serayah and Marques Houston, answers this very question and takes us on a ride in the process.
What's Done After Dark
What's Done After Dark shows us that everything isn't always what it seems. The twist at the end is a real doozy.
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