Remember when dating was fun? Meeting strangers out on the subway, getting set up by your friends, matching with someone on a dating app, and going somewhere further than answering the incessant “WYD” text.
I do.
There was a time when I didn’t lament my dating life because it was just that: alive. It had a heartbeat, a rhythm. I knew that if I caught a vibe with a guy outside, he would at least lock my phone number in and set up a meet-cute in the days to follow. Now? Many singles like myself can attest to the dating landscape being close to a dumpster fire. From the ghosting to the mixed intentions, emotionless hookups, and tainted POVs caused by unfiltered social media discourse, it’s easy to understand our frustrations.
Blame it on the pandemic or the digital age we live in, but something is definitely in the water, and single women are begging the question of whether it’s better to opt out of the chaos entirely.
Enter the boy-sober movement.
The Boy-Sober Movement, Defined.
Coined by TikToker and comedian, Hope Woodard, the concept of being "boy sober" is a refreshing shift that isn't about swearing off men forever but rather taking a deliberate break from romantic entanglements to focus on oneself. As Woodard shared in her video explaining the concept, the rules are simple: “no dating apps,” “no dates, no exes,” “no situationships,” and “no hugs and kisses – etcetera.” As she puts it, “You’re not single if someone is taking up your brain space.”
If that description alone piqued your interest, you’re not alone.
A study conducted by Tinder showed that 72% of millennials are “making a conscious decision to be single for a period of time” as they “value their freedom and independence.” Additionally, 81% of those respondents reported that being single offers benefits extending beyond their romantic lives, such as forming new friendships, increasing dedication to their work, and having more time for personal wellness. This makes it clear why the boy-sober movement is resonating with so many fatigued daters.
@justhopinalong The official boysober rules lmk if you had questions or feedback
But taking a vow of dating sobriety didn’t just come out of the blue. I’ve found from conversations with close friends and social discourse that many women are trying to put in the effort to find “the one.” But due to a lack of suitable options, general frustration, less tolerance for nonsense, the reprioritization of valuable friendships over romantic partnerships, or overall fatigue from navigating dating apps, it’s safe to say the girls are tired.
“Women are fatigued by dating and are willing to give it a break because it hasn't been easy,” Monique Head, founder of the Feminine Influence Finishing School, tells xoNecole. “With all the early conversations, the meet-ups, the talking that leads nowhere or comes to nothing, getting her hopes up only to feel disappointed... it's exhausting. It's no wonder the boy-sober movement exists.”
Dating in and of itself is an act of vulnerability that can draw out insecurities and trigger fears of rejection and abandonment. Hinge’s 2024 D.A.T.E. (Data, Advice, Trends and Expertise) report states that Gen-Z daters cite fear of rejection as their top concern. While fear is a normal feeling brought on when forming connections with others, Head says that if it’s the top motivator for opting out of dating, consider, “Coming from a place of empowerment” when choosing to take an extended break from dating.
Still, many single women can attest to how being single and dating takes an emotional toll on one’s self-esteem. For some, this begs the question of whether the pursuit to find love and connection is truly worth the trouble. When these feelings come up, it could be a sign to take a step away from dating to reconnect with your needs and reevaluate your approach to your dating life.
With the right planning and support, taking a boy-sober stance can be a beneficial act to reset your dating life, free from outward and inner pressures. It’s not that you have to cut yourself off completely from the male species, it just means you move through your life without your single status and the thought of men at the forefront.
Ask yourself: How does it feel to be removed from stressful situationships? How do your mental space and heart feel when you detach from the constant longing and languishing for love? Dating is tough as it is, so setting clear intentions and defining why you're choosing this path can help you to jump back on the scene with ease once your leave of sobriety is over.
Prioritize activities that nurture your mind, body, and soul, like journaling and picking up on volunteer opportunities that allow you to explore new interests. Dive into hobbies or activities you've always wanted to try. This is your time to explore and expand your horizons, so consider surrounding yourself with supportive friends, a mentor, or a life coach who can provide a safe and supportive space for you along the journey.
Sobriety of any kind leads to more clarity. And if taking a few months or even a year away from dating can give you the space to get clear about your needs, build up your confidence, and step into the dating game with a renewed sense of optimism, take that time. But don’t stop flirting; continue making healthy connections, and allow yourself to put the fun back into your dating life.
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