While it’s become popular to ask the question, "Why do people like Beyoncé’s music?" I’ve always wondered why some people don’t. With a catalog nearly 30 years deep, a distinctive voice so exquisitely mastered that it is as fluid as it is dextrous, a master of mystique and musical reinvention, countless awards for her craft, and the uncanny ability to surprise and awe, the reason behind her longevity in her decades-spanning career should be obvious.
When I think about Beyoncé and her music, there’s no question that she is the reigning Queen of Pop (if you disagree, argue wit yo mama). However, for me, and other Beyoncé fans alike, the love for the icon’s music goes far beyond that title, the accolades, and the global reach it brings. It’s the passion, the relentless drive that undercuts her strive to push past previous iterations of herself as an artist, her dedication to curating classic bodies of work that rival meme-able earworms on today’s music charts, and the “That Girl” energy she can’t help but emit in everything she touches.
I don’t care what anyone says, there is an innate confidence that washes over you the instant you play a Beyoncé song.
Whether you’re channeling your female rage ("Don't Hurt Yourself"), celebrating the unapologetic love of your Blackness ("BLACK PARADE"), kissing the scars from a cruel world that sought to turn you cold ("MY POWER"), twerking just because ("ENERGY"), making love to the person in your world who makes you see stars ("Rocket"), conveying the love you have as a mother to your daughter ("PROTECTOR"), learning to forgive who you once were in the face of love ("Resentment"), or you just want to feel yourself ("Diva") - Beyoncé has quite literally has a song to bless your eardrums and your spirit with.
No matter the track, you feel her and whatever the vocalist is trying to convey. Full stop. Even if her sonic explorations into the forays of country, Afrobeats, disco, house, trap, pop, and R&B still have you puzzled about why girls love Beyoncé, put some respect on her name today and every day.
In honor of Beyoncé Giselle Knowles Carter’s 43rd lap around the sun, some members of the xoNecole team take a beat to show love to a woman whose love for music has touched something within us all.
An introduction to Bey:
"I was in my early teens when I knew I loved Destiny's Child, but my favorites back then were LeToya (Luckett) and Kelly (Rowland). I could relate to their unique style and sassiness the most at that age. (I had the Kelly haircut back then and rocked it to my prom). After Beyoncé went solo in 2003, it wasn't until the Dangerously in Love album that I'd truly fall in love with her voice and artistry. I had the CD and played it until it would skip due to the scratches from it being on repeat too much.
"The cover reminded me of one of my favorite icons, Diana Ross, and when it debuted, that was a time of heartbreak for me. I really needed songs like 'Me, Myself and I,' 'Gift From Virgo,' and 'Signs' (with one of my all-time faves, Missy Elliott). The harmonies, the riffs, and the videos were everything. It's still my favorite album of hers to date."
What Beyoncé's music means to her:
"For me, Beyoncé's musical journey represents an empowered one of progression and self-actualization. I've been around since the days of Girls Tyme, so I saw her go from kiddie on the come-up, to playing the background with that big voice as part of Destiny's Child, to the powerhouse actress, entrepreneur, culture-shifter, mom, and global iconic brand she is today. She has really unapologetically grown into her womanhood and unique God-given purpose---both via the music and in the bits of her personal life she shares---right in front of us.
"She seems to be savvy in owning her narrative and not letting anybody tell her who she is, even as a multimillion-dollar brand with a lot at stake. That's revolutionary. I like that she uses her celebrity to do good---though it can get a bit contentious and dangerous due to the machine that is the superfan element among her fan base. Overall, for me, she represents what can be manifested through resilient hard work, full expression and development of self, strategy, and Black excellence."
Her Beyoncé Big Three:
1. "Drunk in Love"
"Drunk In Love," from Beyoncé:
"In mid-December 2013, Beyoncé surprised everyone with a striking and provocative social media marketing campaign for the album. The campaign was ahead of its time and has become a 'norm' nowadays, but she and her team were pioneers, of sorts. My 'drunk in love' early-January birthday weekend the following year included a beach, a few casinos, and more than a few wild public 'surfboard' nights with my guy at the time, a Brooklyn dude who I still chuckle about whenever I hear the song today.
"The DJs were still playing it on repeat around that time, and the song would shut the clubs down, especially if you'd had one too many glasses of Nuvo (remember that pink sparkling liqueur?! Ha!), D'usse, Dom, or that Hpnotiq-Henny combo. There are probably many saucy-sex babies conceived off of this song."
2. "BREAK MY SOUL"
"Break My Soul" from Renaissance:
"I adore that this powerfully liberating song features Big Freedia and a bounce culture I've loved for years. I also love the empowering lyrics, especially in these post-pandemic days where it just seems like everyone is stressed out, embracing doom mentalities, and forgetting that life is indeed a privilege and we should be empowered by that God-given privilege to take charge of our own joy, build our own tables, and go for our dreams in a way that is radically courageous and hopeful.
"She sings, 'I'm looking for motivation, and I'm on that new vibration. I'm building my own foundation,' while Big Freedia repeats 'Release ya anger, release ya mind... release ya love, forget the rest.'"
3. "Me, Myself and I"
"Me, Myself and I" from Dangerously in Love:
"I'd always lean on this song in hard times, especially when I felt very alone. I'd replace the word 'I' with 'God' and it really got me through some dark times in my life. The simple but self-affirming lyrics and her bold voice on this track make it an all-time winner for me that's timeless."
THE Beyoncé that changed everything:
"B'Day, her second solo album, is a soundtrack of life-changing memories for me. It was released the summer of 2006, and at that time, I'd just officially moved to New York full-time to advance my career after working at a small New York Times Co. publication in the South. I'd moved to New York with only my car and clothes and didn't really have a confirmed job at the time. A former friend's mom let me sleep on a blow-up bed in a tiny guest room that she was using for storage at the time, and by God's grace and the recommendations of a mentor, I actually landed a job at The New York Times shortly after.
"I started making a nice amount of money after that and would blow it on bottle service, parking tickets, and clothes! Ha! It was an exciting time both for New York entertainment and media culture, and for my personal life as a 20-something living and working there. That whole album features songs associated with my first New York City job, spending many of my after-work hours at rooftop parties, industry events, on dates in bars and over-indulging in VIP sections at Meatpacking District clubs, my first big-girl post-college situationships, my relocations all over New York (from the Bronx to Harlem, and finally to Brooklyn), and the new groups of friends I made that were a mix of born-and-raised New Yorkers and transplants."
What Beyoncé's journey has taught her:
"I think that Beyoncé's journey just inspires me to keep taking every day, one by one, to thrive in my lane, to unapologetically hold dear things private, and to mature more into fulfilling God's purpose for my adult life. I think her journey---the bit that she has shown us publicly--is simply empowerment in using whatever talent you have to fulfill the ultimate parameters of purpose in whatever multifaceted ways you can. Live life with boldness and purpose."
Chantal Gainous
Client Services & Campaign Manager, xoNecole
An introduction to Bey:
"I was definitely there from the start. Destiny's Child's 'Survivor' running on MTV/VH1 every morning before school was definitely a huge moment for me. It was 6 a.m. and I was trying to nail down those moves! She was 'that girl' then and she's still 'that girl' now."
What Beyoncé's music means to her:
"It's a direct result of hard work. Every body of work she has gifted us with is laced with inspiration and motivation. Whenever I'm trying to hype myself up - I think of what Beyoncé album could get me there."
Her Beyoncé Big Three:
1. "Smash Into You"
"Smash Into You" from I Am... Sasha Fierce:
"We still don't give I Am... Sasha Fierce enough credit!"
2. "Upgrade U"
"Upgrade U" from B'Day:
"A classic!"
3. "ALIEN SUPERSTAR"
"ALIEN SUPERSTAR" from Renaissance:
"THE ONLY ONE!"
"It would have to be Beyoncé self-titled [Beyoncé]. I always find myself going back to that album - it motivated me to get work done, it's helped pick me off the floor when I'm in a puddle of tears, I sing it with my girlfriends - there's a song for every moment of life on that album."
What Beyoncé's journey has taught her:
"Never think there isn't a new part of yourself you can't explore."
London Whitson
Contributing Editor, xoNecole
Her introduction to Bey:
"I was first introduced to Beyoncé when she was in Destiny's Child. My first memory of her was through their song 'No, No, No Pt. 2,' which I would listen to all the time."
What Beyoncé's music means to her:
"Beyoncé is such a powerful figure in music and also as a woman. She is a great representation of everything we can be: powerful, sexy, beautiful, smart, creative, and more."
Her Beyoncé Big Three:
1. "Drunk in Love"
"Drunk in Love," from Beyoncé:
"'Drunk in Love' is such a fun, sexy song and arguably one of her best songs."
2. "I Care"
"I Care," from 4:
"'I Care,' especially the Homecoming: The Live version is such a beautiful and emotional song that always gives me all the feels."
3. "Dangerously in Love 2"
"Dangerously in Love 2" from Dangerously in Love:
"'Dangerously in Love 2'" is a Beyoncé classic, so I had to include it."
THE Beyoncé album that changed everything:
"I will have to say B'Day was the album that did it for me. I've always felt like that era was quintessential Beyoncé, and it was the soundtrack to my 10th grade."
What Beyonce's journey has taught her:
"A lesson I've learned from Beyoncé is that we are unstoppable, limitless, and can create all that we can imagine."
An introduction to Bey:
"Definitely Destiny's Child. From the vocals to her center position to the signature blonde hair, I was just entranced with her from minute one. The first album I ever heard by them was The Writing's on the Wall and I was a fan from that point on. As kids in summer camp, my friends and I even did a performance where we created choreography for 'Say My Name.' I was Kelly (Rowland). I think I was 10 or 11. I have been a self-proclaimed Beyoncé enthusiast ever since."
What Beyoncé's music means to her:
"Oh, wow. The layers. I can tap into my most powerful self whenever I listen to Beyonce. Her music has been transformative for me in many ways. I have been able to literally grow with her over the years and it has been beautiful to see her growth as an artist. I've seen her become more sure of herself, her become more herself with each album, and I feel that in her music and what she chooses to say in her projects. Her music acts as an anthem for me and the multifaceted woman I want to be, but also the fullness of who I want to be.
"She transports me into different emotions, and when I am not feeling like myself, I turn something of hers on and am instantly reminded of this personal power that is always accessible to me at my fingertips. I can be so many things. I can do so many things. Her music reminds me of the magic of living and loving loudly for its highs and its lows. Different albums of hers have acted as soundtracks of different seasons of my life."
Her Beyoncé Big Three:
1. "FIND YOUR WAY BACK"
"FIND YOUR WAY BACK" from The Lion King: The Gift:
"Y'all, if there is one Beyoncé song that has seen its fair share of replay, it's 'FIND YOUR WAY BACK.' The message that resounds for me is that you are never lost, even when you think you are, you are finding your way, and because you're finding your way, you are where you're supposed to be. I know it's about Simba and The Lion King, and more specifically Black Is King, but how could that message not find me?
"Whenever I am in a state of overwhelm or uncertainty, or having a bad day and I feel like, 'Where do I begin?' Turning on this song, swaying my hips, and singing this song like a mantra feels like I'm grounded again. It puts me back into my body, and back into a state of knowing that I'll always find my way."
2. "Love Drought"
"Love Drought" from LEMONADE:
"Those first few seconds get me every single time. It's such a dreamy and airy listen. Honestly, the song as a whole reminds me of how delicate of a thing vulnerability is but also how powerful. To me, the song is about a relationship on the rocks and she is trying to bend without breaking while her lover does the same. She pleads for them to help her end the 'love drought' so that their love can heal.
"'All the loving I've been giving goes unnoticed, it's just floating in the air,' the lyrics are so beautiful in their simplicity but are somehow able to capture so much. Her vocal choices in the song makes them hit that much more. This song is one of my all-time favorites by her."
3. "FLAMENCO"
"FLAMENCO" from COWBOY CARTER:
"The harmonies! From the very start, the harmonies that start the song off pull you in. I loved a lot about COWBOY CARTER but by the time I got to this track, it was just something special about how haunting it sounds. I had to stop whatever I was doing to allow myself to fully take it in. I am not sure of its meaning, but I think it is a song about the sometimes heavy yet always ephemeral nature of life. This lyric 'I hope that God knows that I'm in need of help right now' feels like a call to that fact.
"And when she goes off at the end with her runs? The melody, the lyricism, I was blown away and continue to be whenever I hear it. At one minute, 40 seconds, it feels criminally short, but I also think that's what's really sweet about this listen."
THE Beyoncé album that changed everything:
"4. As far as I'm concerned, 4 is one of Beyoncé's most slept-on albums to date, but that's okay because I love it. I think this album shifted how I felt about her as an artist. Even though I loved her singles as a solo artist for years predating 4, I never revisited them to listen from beginning to end like I did with this one. I know we had 'Love On Top' and 'Countdown,' but there are truly so many gems like 'I Care,' 'I Miss You' and one of my all-time Beyoncé favorites, 'End of Time.'
"It grew my appreciation for her as an album artist. I love that she had a certain vision for an R&B album and she stuck to it. I feel like I've seen her dedication to crafting bodies of work as a throughline in much of her later work but 4 was that introduction for me. Also, if you haven't seen her perform this while pregnant with baby Blue at her Live at Roseland: Elements of 4 concert, you haven't lived."
What Beyoncé's journey has taught her:
"Don't let other people's comfort level dictate the life you see for yourself. If you can see it, you can be it. Sometimes even if you can't see it, you can be it. Dare to take up space as a Black woman and as a creative. Dare to be more yourself."
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Featured image by Mason Poole/Parkwood Media/Getty Images for Atlantis The Royal
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Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, bringing some earth sign energy into the mix, grounding and nurturing what you are creating in your life right now. On April 27, we have a New Moon in Taurus, and this is an abundant and fruitful New Moon. This is one of the best New Moons of the year for you to set your intentions for your financial world and a time for seeing new opportunities for abundance. On the last day of the month, Venus moves into Aries until June 6th, and love requires a little more passion, independence, and excitement during this time.
Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
The Full Moon in Libra on April 12 will be a time to devote your energy to self-care, close loved ones, and overall getting some time to decompress. You are ready to let go of the things that don’t make you feel safe or nurtured and are receiving an emotional renewal right now. The New Moon in Taurus at the end of the month is a time to focus on your intentions on your community, friendships, and aspirations in life, and to pay attention to where you can create more abundance here.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
On April 18, Mars enters your sign until June 17, and this is huge for you. You began the year with Mars retrograde in your sign, so you are getting the opportunity now, to rewrite some of the things that weren’t working for you at the beginning of the year. You are overcoming previous obstacles, and experiencing a breakthrough in your life this month. Before April ends, there is a New Moon in Taurus, highlighting your career, reputation, and professional life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for what goals you want to come to fruition for you now.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
April is a month of success, progress, and dreams coming to fruition, Scorpio. You are focused on your health, your priorities, and creating space for the new beginnings that you are creating in your life right now. The Full Moon mid-month is a big closure moment for you, and you are owning the fact that you have healed and you are no longer the same person you were in the past. This is a month of stepping into your power and feeling supported in doing so.
Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus, which will be highlighting your health and what your body needs more of right now. This is a New Moon to set your intentions for your everyday life and to create a new, beneficial routine that will make things easier for you at the end of the day. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 9th house of adventure, and you are leaving the month with your sights set high. Travel plans are likely, and this is a good time to create some new plans for yourself.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation mid-month and will be fueling your need for some change, excitement, and emotional rejuvenation over the next month and a half. You are entering an impactful moment of the year for you, and you are motivated toward change right now. The New Moon at the end of the month is in a fellow earth sign, highlighting the romantic new beginnings you are entering now. Overall, this month is a process, and you are opening new doors while finding gratitude in what is here for you now.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
For instance, people who have only had sex with their spouse reportedly have a 45 percent greater chance of having a really stable marriage. Another study says that 71 percent of men who have only had one partner are very happy in their marriage as opposed to 65 percent of men who’ve had two or more partners. And still, another report has stated that women with 10 or more partners are most likely to divorce while women with only one partner are the least likely to.
It's another article for another time about why this all may be the case. For now, I just thought it was important to remind cyberspace that virgins are not obsolete (check out Newsweek’s “Number of Virgins in America Hits Record High” that came out just this past January) and there are some former virgins in this world who not only waited until their wedding night — but, for their own special reasons, are oh so very glad that they did.
Giphy1. Lynn. 28. Married for Three Years.
“I come from a generation of virgins and I’m proud of that. My mom was a virgin when she got married. So was my grandmother. I was raised that my body is a wedding present and so I’ve always seen myself that way. I’m officially out of my newlywed years and while it took about a year for me to really get the hang of things, I like that my husband is the only man that I’ve known. I don’t have anyone to compare him to. I’m not wondering if I’m missing out. He was a virgin too, so we’re not worried about mystery babies or incubated diseases. Sex is peaceful in my home. I’m glad that I waited.”
2. Adina. 35. Married for Eight Years.
“I’ll be real — I was a virgin on a technicality. I think a lot of virgins are because I didn’t have intercourse until marriage — but there was some oral action going on up in here for years. That’s just the truth! It’s not that I don’t think that oral sex is sex — I just liked that I could have the pleasure without worrying about pregnancy…and yes, not wanting to get pregnant is the main reason why I waited until marriage. I will say that giving my husband something that no other man had before did make the wedding night special — awkward, kind of uncomfortable and funny as hell at times but really special. I don’t regret it.”
Giphy3. Marie. 29. Married for Two Years.
“I didn’t plan on being a virgin until marriage. My goal was just to not give it up unless I loved someone — and that didn’t happen until my husband. When he found out that I was a virgin, he didn’t want to risk us dating, having sex, and breaking up. He said that it would have been on his conscience for the rest of his life. So…we waited. I didn’t expect that to make me love and trust him more but it did. If he could guard my heart while dating me, I’m sure he can protect me well now that we’re married. Waiting made me feel safer in my relationship. That is probably the best thing about it.”
4. Eliana. 30. Married for Six Years.
“People like to act like sex isn’t a big deal and that’s a damn lie. Anything that can give you a child or a disease that could end your life isn’t something that you should not care about. It’s not that I wasn’t curious or tempted or that there weren’t times when I didn’t come close, but so many of my friends had regrets about…not really the sex but who they chose to have sex with that I didn’t think it was worth the stress. I do think that if you are going to wait until your wedding night that you should find some wives to talk to because, baby, I was not prepared. I think that is a part of what marriage is about, though — having some things that you learn about, only with your spouse, knowing that it’s not a performance but an experience and since you’re married, you have all of the time in the world. There was a learning curve but we’ve got it down now, ma’am. Thank you very much.”
Giphy5. Krystal. 27. Married for Four Years.
“I’ve always thought it was weird that people think that virginity is only tied to religion. I’m agnostic and I was a virgin until I was 23 because I watched how the college years went for most of my friends and I decided to pass on STIs, unwanted pregnancies, and being caught up in guys who I didn’t see a future with. Life was easier for me not having sex and now I can enjoy my husband without the drama that my friends went through. You don’t need religion to use discernment.”
6. Michelle. 24. Married for One Year.
“I don’t know why people think that being a virgin means that you don’t think a lot about sex or have valid things to say about sex. For me, staying a virgin was hard but the reason was simple: I have a vivid imagination and I didn’t feel like having to think about what I should try or hold back from when it came time to do it. I know women who are like, ‘I’ll have sex with you but won’t suck your d-ck’ or ‘I’ll have sex with you but not in these positions.’ Girl, that man is in your body. What are all of these rules about? If your first time is something that you will never forget, I wanted mine to be no rules, no boundaries — we in this bitch! And that’s just how my wedding night was. I love him. He loves me. We’re gonna do whatever, whenever, however, for the rest of our lives. To me, that’s how sex should be.”
Giphy7. Francine. 33. Married for Four Years.
“I was too busy for sex. Call it strange but I just had too much on my plate. I think some people go to college and lose it because they didn’t have a real plan. College is something you do and so you go — and then you get distracted. That wasn’t me. I knew what I wanted to do, so, as fine as some of the men were, I wasn’t going to waste my time or my scholarship. Then, once I got my master’s, I was focused on getting a job and buying a house, so I didn’t do a lot of dating then either. I guess the universe didn’t want me out in these streets for too long because once I was ready to have a dating life, after three flop dates, thanks to a set-up, I met my husband, we dated for six months, and got married. It’s weird because I didn’t put much thought into being a virgin until my wedding night while I was living my life but now that you ask, I’m glad that I waited because, since I am such a planner, it’s nice that I don’t see sex as something that wrecked, ruined or even delayed all of the other things that I wanted to do. I never want to see sex as problematic. I think that waiting kept that from happening.”
8. Nya. 31. Married for Six Years.
“I’ll never forget you telling me about that husband who said that the thing that he loved the most about his wife’s body is he believed that when God made her, he had her in mind. When you told me that she wasn’t a Coke bottle shape, that made me feel like I didn’t need to change who I was while waiting for the right man. In all honesty, a part of the reason why I was a virgin for so long is because I had body image issues that I was dealing with. In college, I learned that men talk just as much as women when it comes to stuff like that and I didn’t want different guys ‘sizing me up.’ When I met my husband, he always made me feel not just like I was attractive but that my body was stunning to him — and that made me want to share myself with him. Honestly, the only reason why we waited until our wedding was because we were in a long-distance relationship and didn’t date for long, but it did feel good to know that he didn’t want to ‘test anything out’ before to make sure that he would be happy in that way. He was satisfied with me without sex and that made the wedding night pretty incredible."
Giphy9. Berry. 38. Married for 20 Years.
“It might be weird to hear that, although I was a virgin on my wedding night, I was also ‘abstinent’ when I dated my husband. What I’m saying is that no man had penetrated me before him, but I did mess around quite a bit with guys and it always made things messy — one way or another. When my husband came along, he wasn’t a virgin by any stretch, but he had been abstinent too for a few months. When we saw that this was going somewhere, we made the decision to not do anything sexual until we got engaged and then to not have actual sex until our wedding night. It gave us time to learn intimacy in other ways. It also helped out our relationship because we both travel for work. People think that you don’t need self-control sometimes after marriage and that’s just not true. Anyway, something that I respect about waiting is it ‘programmed’ me to see sex as something that is only for marriage — not due to religion but because I don’t know what intercourse is like without having a husband. I kinda like it.”
10. Chadae. 43. Married for 18 Years.
“It might sound crazy but one of my favorite celebrities has always been Lisa Bonet. I thought she was so pretty on The Cosby Show and I remembered watching a rerun of when Cliff asked her husband if they had sex before marriage and he said that Denise was a virgin on their wedding day. Even though a lot of my friends were having sex, something about that stood out to me — that you can be a beautiful woman, go on dates, have a full life and there doesn’t have to be sex on the table. I also liked how proud Cliff was as a father because, when my husband asked for permission to marry me, my dad didn’t ask if I was still a virgin, but I told him and my mom that I was and he teared up. He said it was because he wanted a man to value me enough to vow himself to me before I gave him my body — and he trusted my husband because he did. It might sound old-fashioned but some things that are ‘old-school’ prevent you from learning things the hard way.”
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Two of my favorite married couples have been together for over 20 years and the thing that they have in common is both the husbands and wives were virgins on their wedding day. Something that one of the wives has told me is she likes that all she knows is her husband and something that one of the husbands has said is he’s never wondered if he’s missing out on anything because he’s never had anyone to compare his wife to. How sweet is that?
If you are a virgin who is reading this, all of these resolves can definitely provide you with some food for thought before making any decisions about what to do about your own sex life. Because while the power of your sexuality is certainly your choice, should you want to wait — not only should you not feel bad, embarrassed, or even hesitant about that, there are benefits that can come with making such a sober-minded decision.
Virgins still exist. And, like most things in life, virginity has its own rewards. Salute.
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