"I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I want to say to the world. I run my world." – Beyoncé
As someone who has followed the arc of Beyoncé’s career since I was 10 years old and saw the excitement my brother and his best friend expressed in seeing Destiny’s Child perform at Alabama A&M in 1998, I’ve always known in my heart Beyoncé was destined for greatness. We’ve all watched her evolve as an artist, woman, wife, and mother, but we often forget the major steps she had to take in order to gain control of her career and life.
Beginning in 2010, Beyoncé launched Parkwood Entertainment, a film and production company, record label, and management firm. Then, in 2011, she decided to end her management arrangement with her father Mathew Knowles. She’s limited the number of interviews she does and has taken full control of her life’s narrative and her art through the various documentaries she's released via Parkwood.
As we all watch in awe, Beyoncé continues to break records: the most awarded singer in Grammy history, headlining one of the highest-grossing tours of all-time, and most recent Renaissance: A Film by Beyoncé, the film documenting her latest world tour, became the first film in 20 years to cross the $20 million mark on its opening weekend following Thanksgiving.
#RENAISSANCETHEFILM debuts at the domestic box office with a $21M opening weekend and a 100% on @RottenTomatoes. pic.twitter.com/NyG8MdyrU2
— BEYONCÉ LEGION (@BeyLegion) December 3, 2023
As Beyoncé raises the bar higher and higher, there is much conversation centered around who “the next Beyoncé” will be. Some have proclaimed it’s Victoria Monét, others believe it will be Normani, and many have stated Chloe Bailey is next in line to take the crown.
These conversations of “who’s the next….” aren’t new; even when Beyoncé first launched her solo career in 2003 with the album Dangerously in Love, people said she was the next Michael Jackson or Tina Turner.
Victoria Monet is giving next big thing after Beyoncé. I see it. I said it.
— The Purse Dealer ✨💕 (@hausofsyy) December 3, 2023
This mindset begs the question: do we value individuality in artistry, or do we simply want to recreate clones of the artist we already love? How can we expect artists to keep the integrity of their work when labels, managers, and the public want to pigeonhole them into a space they deem appropriate?
When we center our expectations to juxtapose someone else’s success, we are inevitably setting up and coming artists like Victoria, Normani, and Chloe to fail. This by no means is taking away from the clear talent each of these singers has, but it’s boxing them into a space where their opportunity for personal and creative growth is stifled.
Let’s be real she the only new girl that *really* gives Beyoncé pic.twitter.com/ZwlF8znrsE
— B•R•I 💜🎄 (@chloverview) December 12, 2023
Additionally, when we take a further step back and look at the music industry from a bird’s eye view, we see how Black artists have been confined to the musical genres of R&B, gospel, and hip-hop, which further limits their space for growth and crossover success.
The systemic racism in the music industry caters more toward white artists and limits the exposure of Black artists, especially in predominantly white genres. We consistently see white artists given the space and opportunity to explore a variety of musical genres, while Black artists are expected to stay true to one genre for the entirety of their career.
It’s been five years can we get a vowel?
— Hi Im Ry (@WhateverDoja) May 30, 2023
This generation tends to want artists to produce quality music at a rapid pace, but then mercilessly judges when it isn’t what we want or expect it to be. An example of this would be both Chloe and Normani’s debut as solo artists.
As I mentioned both these artists have been deemed “the next Beyoncé” at one point or another in their career, and the parallels are obvious. They were both in groups prior, Chloe with her sister Halle and Normani with Fifth Harmony. They’re both talented performers and beautiful young women, and they both very evidently have the “It factor.”
Chloe’s first album, In Pieces, was released in March 2023 and had only sold 10,000 copies as of April 10, 2023. Many fans called the album "a flop" and even DJ Envy suggested it was Beyoncé's fault for the low sales as Chloe is an artist on her label. Beyoncé once said, “The reality is, sometimes you lose. And you're never too good to lose. You're never too big to lose. You're never too smart to lose. It happens."
Chloe must have taken these words to heart because despite the negative feedback she received, she took everything in stride and proved critics and fans wrong by selling out shows in the following months.
The music industry is gonna have to create a new way of counting album sales and streams. Like @ChloeBailey’s album was chefs kiss but because her “sales” were low people consider it a flop. However if her streams were counted. I’m sure it’ll be very different.
— Madam Chrome❄️✨ (@DaisysSentamint) April 30, 2023
Something to understand and consider is that artists like Chloe have a younger fan base who are less likely to buy albums and more likely to listen to their favorite artist’s music on a streaming service, which does impact sales. Though streaming numbers are included in album sales, it doesn’t consider the à la carte nature of the process and how hard it is to reach one album sold. Success for artists likely Chloe is going to look very different than her mentor Beyoncé, and as the music industry evolves these young artists are having to adapt to that evolution in real time.
in pieces was about letting go & trusting myself. i’ve enjoyed every moment of it and i love everyone who listened to it. tour starts tomorrow in chicago and im so ready to perform these songs for yall ❤️🔥
— Chlöe (@ChloeBailey) April 10, 2023
Normani on the other hand has taken her time with the release of her debut album, which many fans have been waiting on since the release of her single “Motivation” in 2019. Some fans have even gone to Twitter to share their thoughts about the delayed album, with opinions echoing the sentiment that she’s lost her passion and motivation to create music. Normani responded to these claims with a very clear, “Just shut the f— up.” She also shared in an interview with Bustle, that had she rushed to release an album in 2019, “I would’ve put out a body of work that I wasn’t confident in.”
Despite the negativity these two artists have had to endure in the shadows of Beyoncé, they’ve both taken a page from her book by staying true to themselves and the music they want to produce. Upon the release of her album, Chloe tweeted, “In pieces was about letting go & trusting myself. i’ve enjoyed every moment of it and i love everyone who listened to it.” Normani also shared, “I’m very, very prideful of what I do and the art. It means a lot to me and I’m heavily involved in literally every single aspect.”
just shut the fuck up https://t.co/puMktqrUNR
— Normani (@Normani) August 9, 2022
Though the vast majority of us love and sit in awe of Beyoncé, we must also question why we feel the need to place other Black women artists in her shadow to recreate a career that she’s uniquely shaped for herself.
There is a subconscious bias many of us have fed into that tells us, Black women in music can only be seen and digested in a certain way, and because of this, we project that onto newer artists such as Victoria, Normani, Chloe, and others.
Even Beyoncé, though she always pays homage to her predecessors such as Jackson and Turner, has been very clear on the reality that she’s not trying to be anyone other than herself in her music or life. Her success has been based on the fact that she does things her way, and because of this, it uniquely penetrates millions of people’s hearts around the globe.
It also goes back to the reality that she’s taken full control of her career and holds her destiny in her own hands. This same autonomy should be given to the young women who follow in her footsteps.
"Do what you were born to do. You just have to trust yourself." – Beyoncé
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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