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Kanye'd, White Clawing & Other 2020 Dating Trends You Should Know About
It truly never fails. At the turn of every new year, there are dating terms that make their way into cyberspace. Each year, there are always a few whose names tickle me. There are also a couple that end up having me like, "Man, I wish there was a name for that when I was in college." (Like weaseling, which I'll get to in just a sec.)
As far as some of the most popular dating trends for 2020 go, I must admit that they're more cautionary tales than anything. If you're able to recognize them very early on, they can prevent you from becoming so jaded that you find yourself swearing off dating for the rest of the year. Are you ready to see what kind of foolishness folks are plotting in this new decade of ours? Brace yourself. Some of them are real doozies.
2020 Dating Trends To Look Out For
1.Dial-Toning
This is one that I've never really understood. I mean, if you're not interested in someone, why give them your number at all? Yet dial-toning is right up there at the top of the list of what will be big dating trends in the new year. It's not when you ghost someone. It's when you give someone your contact info and then never respond to their calls. Not only is this pretty cowardly (because again, if you're not interested, just say that…in a nice way, of course), it also is a huge waste of everyone's time. Better to say, "Thanks, but no thanks" on the front end than to make it harder on the next girl that ole' boy approaches all because he can't shake how you gave him the impression that you were interested when actually…you weren't.
2.Weaseling
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Talk about being passive-freakin'-aggressive. I think that just about any woman can relate to weasels—I mean, weaseling. Picture it: You break up with someone, you take the time that you need to heal (good for you), and right when you've started getting used to going at least a few days without thinking about your ex, here he comes liking your Instagram pics again. Anyone who does this knows exactly what they are doing—trying to get back into your head, heart and, quite possibly your bed.
I don't like weaseling because if we are not together and you want my attention again, you should go with a bolder gesture than commenting on social media. But, that's just me. Anyway, if you happen to notice this going down all of a sudden, before you get too excited, just remember that they don't call it "weaseling" for nothin'.
3.Leapfrogging
So, a guy I know once told me that he used to make a habit of having sex with women he wasn't even remotely attracted to. Why would someone do something crazy like that? According to him, the "ugly girl" (his words, not mine) would be so grateful for his, uh, time that she would run and tell all of the women he was interested in how good he was—and that would make "bagging them" (again, his words not mine) so much easier to do. Unfortunately, that's not as uncommon as you might think. In fact, there is a whole word for it: leapfrogging, which is when you connect with one person in order to ultimately connect with someone else.
I will admit that the guy I told you about is partaking in the savage 2.0 version of leapfrogging. Oftentimes, this happens more with online dating than anything else. You know, like when someone sees a group shot and might reach out to you, making you believe they are interested, when really, they want to get to know the woman to your left in the picture. Either way, leapfrogging can be the worse, so make sure to keep your Spidey senses up when meeting someone new—whether it's online or off.
4.Exoskeletoning
Y'all, please tell me you ain't never been this chick. SMDH. Exoskeletoning is what happens when an ex is semi-stalking. They aren't wasting their time, effort, and cyber skills on their ex but the current partner of their ex. If you're currently seeing someone new and a random friend request pops up from someone you don't know or, all of a sudden, you feel like you are being gaslit by an online troll, it might not be random. It could very well be some bitter woman exoskeletoning you. Proceed with caution. Ask the guy you're seeing if he recognizes ole' girl, too.
5.Kanye’d
I know some of y'all are hyped that Kanye appears to have become this super Christian and everything, but anyone who converts and then says he wants to call himself "Christian Genius Billionaire" is someone I think could stand to take some more Bible classes, especially on humility. (Check Luke 14:11). But I digress. I will say this—no one is as consistently inconsistent as Kanye and, if there's one thing we can be certain of, it's that he doesn't hold his tongue…ever.
That said, can you guess what being "Kanye'd" means? It's literally when you're on a date with someone and you can't get a word in because they are flapping their jaws, non-stop, the entire time. Be careful because this tends to be a sign of a potential narcissist which makes the dating term even more fitting. But again…I digress.
6.Eclipsing
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Healthy relationships require compromise. Of course, they do. But if your definition of compromising is acting like you love things that you don't even like, what you may be participating in is a dating trend known as eclipsing.
Yep, it's basically when you start to date someone and, in order to appear as if the two of you are truly compatible, you act like you enjoy the same things that they do, even when you don't.
Remember the old school movieRoxanne (Steve Martin, Daryl Hannah)? When a man gets another man to tell him what to say to win over a woman, you know that doesn't really work in your favor. It's living a lie which is ultimately a total waste of your time—and his. Don't do it. It ain't worth it.
7.White Clawing
This past fall, I wrote "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner" which fits pretty well when it comes to another dating trend called "white clawing". It's when you stay with someone who you're not mentally, emotionally or spiritually stimulated by but, still, you keep them around because they are physically attractive and appealing. I've done this a few times. The big problem with white clawing is the more you self-evolve, the more you want someone who checks all of your boxes.
Men who can ring your bell in all categories do exist, however, you won't be able to see them if you're holding on too tightly to nothing but looks, though. Just something to think about.
8.Cause-Playing
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If any of these dating trends triggered me, I must admit that it's this one right here. There is a particular man from my past who is utterly notorious when it comes to cause-playing. What in the world is that?
It's when you break things off with someone, but they try and find a way back into your good graces by asking for a favor or even to participate in something that appears altruistic like donating to a cause that they are a part of.
To me, it's the nicer form of weaseling because I'm still over here like, "Dude, if you want to reconnect, just say that. Spare me all of these GoFundMe links." It's a new year. I'll probably actually say that if he pulls that stunt again (and knowing him, he will).
9.Vampiring
Let me just put it right on out there—vampiring is nothing more than a booty call. It's literally all about folks who only hit you up during the "witching hours" (which legend claims is typically somewhere around 3 a.m, though I'm not sure which time zone). Unless a guy is overseas and hours ahead (or behind) you or there's some type of life-altering emergency going down, there really is no reason for a man to hit you up past midnight "just to talk". You're grown, so if booty calls are your thing, do you. But if that's the only time you're getting hit up, please don't romanticize what's going on. He wants to hit or, at the very least, discuss hittin'. Otherwise, he'd call you during normal interaction hours, not when so-called vampires are roaming the streets.
10. Fleabagging
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OK, I thought "settling" was enough of a wake-up call, but it seems like some of us require more of a punch to the gut. If you're out here fleabagging, you're dating someone who you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, is totally wrong for you. (See "Why We Love Men Who Are Absolutely No Good For Us" and "My Eureka Moment For Why I'm Not Into 'Nice Guys'"). While I'm not totally sure what that has to do with fleabags, I do know that with the definitions of the word using other words like "run-down" and "cheap", that's enough to make me turn up my nose and want to avoid putting myself in a fleabagging dating scenario at all costs. I hope you are on your monitor or smartphone shaking your head and saying, "Same sis. Same."
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Should You Consider Dating Someone You're Not Attracted To?
Why Having A 'Frozen Five' Is The Ultimate Dating Game-Changer
This Is What You Can Get Out Of A BAD Date
The Best And Worst Traits Of Men To Date By Their Zodiac Sign
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Did you know that xoNecole has a podcast? Subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to join us for weekly convos over cocktails (without the early morning hangover.)
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
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The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
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Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Collection Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
10 New Moms Share What They Wish They Knew About Sex Post-Delivery
Back when I was the teen mom director for the local chapter of a national non-profit organization, I decided to become a doula. One reason was that I couldn’t stand how disrespectfully dismissive a lot of doctors were towards pregnant teenagers (how you gonna pre-schedule C-sections in girls who are in their first trimester?). My second reason was to do some healing from my own past pregnancy choices (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”). Over time, another reason was that when a woman has a child, she needs support for more than just birthing her baby.
Take her sex life, for example. Although some women have a pretty thriving sex life throughout their pregnancy and, after their six-month check-up, they resume having sex relatively smoothly then as well, for other women, their experience is quite different. And because sex, post-delivery, still (amazingly) remains a taboo topic on a lot of levels, other (new) moms suffer in silence because they feel like they are alone.
That, right there, is why I decided to sit down with some mothers to have them share what they wish someone had given them the heads up on when it comes to sex after having a child. If you are a mom who’s having some challenges in the bedroom, hopefully, this will assure you that others get exactly where you are coming from. If you’re not a mom (yet), my goal is that you can get an idea of some things that could possibly happen — so that you can surround yourself with the support that you need (i.e., a girlfriend, some other new moms, even a counselor, if necessary). That way, you can do what needs to be done to get your sex life back (or right) to where you want it to be…in time.
*Middle names are used in this type of content so that people can speak freely*
1. Bevelynn. 28. Mom of a Six-Month-Old Daughter. First Child.
“The weirdest thing for me is there are certain positions that can always make me cum that were super uncomfortable throughout most of my pregnancy. So, it felt like I was having sex for my partner instead of with him. Then, after having the baby, my man was so used to hurrying through sex because that’s how I was while pregnant that he felt self-conscious that I was trying to ‘coach him’ through foreplay like he wasn’t a good lover.
"You know how they say that sex, after abstinence, is like riding a bicycle? The hell you say! There was a lot to relearn that it was almost like having sex for the first time again. Pretty much a year of sex being one way and then adjusting to something else will do that to you. We’re still figuring it out.”
2. Embree. 34. Mom to a 11-Month-Old Son. Third Child.
“I never had postpartum depression, thank God. I did go through a long sex lull. I love my babies, Lord knows that I do, but you don’t really get just how much sex creates them until you have them, if that makes sense. Being a mom is fulfilling and draining — any woman who says otherwise isn’t taking her role as seriously as she should. And when you sit and realize that kids can’t exist without sex, you have moments when you’ll avoid having it at all costs because you don’t want to risk what comes from it — another baby. And that’s just the truth.”
3. Gail. 37. Mom to a Four-Month-Old. Third Child.
“Please don’t give your husband a hard time about getting used to your new body and hormonal changes during sex. It might be popular to act like men shouldn’t have a say in giving birth or what comes with it, but science says otherwise, and while they’re supporting you through your changes, they might end up going months without intimacy — no man wants that. The more talks [that] you have about sexual needs and expectations before getting pregnant, the better. Remember that he is a part of all of this, too.”
4. Quincee. 32. Mom to a One-Year-Old Daughter. First Child.
“I was told that I should get a doula before having my daughter, and I should’ve listened because it makes no sense to push out a baby on your back. My friends who had doula assistance learned positions that were way more helpful. Since I didn’t and my daughter, although I love her dearly, has a really big head, I tore pretty badly. The healing process was borderline hell but, more than anything, I had some PTSD about allowing any — and I do mean anything — from going into my vagina.
"I don’t care if it was a penis, a sex toy, or even a tampon, I was traumatized. Get those perineal massages before giving birth, squat during labor, and get a man who loves oral sex, both ways, so that you both can get through the adjusting. That’s the best advice that I can give on it.”
5. Francis. 30. Mom to a Seven-Month-Old. Second Child.
“You might need to see a sex therapist after having children. It might sound crazy, but no one talks about how having a baby changes everything about you — every single thing. My husband has always been able to please me, and he’s not small in the least, but after having our first child, my vagina never felt the same. That kept me from feeling the same pleasure, which made me want to have sex less and even resent him for not being able to please me like he used to.
"We tried to figure it out on our own, but that started to affect his self-esteem, and then we weren’t having much sex. My girlfriends had some of the worst advice, so I spoke with a marriage counselor who referred me to a sex therapist who helped me to understand the transitions of motherhood, sexually. It’s one of the best things that happened to our relationship. My best advice is nothing is fully ever the same after a baby — sex, for me, was on top of that list.”
6. Erda. 25. Mom to a Three-Month-Old Son. First Child.
“Being a mom is hard as sh-t — do you hear me? I am terrified of getting pregnant. I don’t mean any time soon; I’m contemplating being done forever because my pregnancy was difficult, and my son thinks that we all should be up all day and all night long. People keep telling me that this will pass, but until it does, whenever I see my husband’s penis, it’s like ‘enemy #1’ in my eyes. We can do some oral action; I’ve always been about that. But if he wants to put that thing in me, I always want him to put on three condoms — I’m NOT playing.”
Shellie here: As a doula, I’ll be checking back on her in six more months or so. Something tells me that this will have a bit more balance in the narrative. Those first few months can be a mutha, indeed.
7. Laurelle. 39. Mom to a One-Year-Old. Fourth Child.
“Even after having four kids, I never got used to my breasts being available to everyone. Mine, then my husband and mine, and then, for a season, my kids — and then sometimes everyone’s. Our two first children were less than two years apart, so I swear that my husband didn’t get to touch my breasts for like three years straight…and he’s a breast man! I don’t think anyone can fully prepare you for how to be a momand a sexual being at the same time. It’s one of the hardest things about motherhood to date.”
8. Iris. 30. Mom to a One-Year-Old. Second Child.
“Your erogenous zones might change. Mine did. I used to not be a breast person, but I started having orgasms while breastfeeding, which kind of creeped me out but then it made me want my breast played with more than ever during sex with my man. The other thing is my thighs got pulled on a lot during labor, and so, I’m kind of jumpy when my fiancé reaches out for them now — and he’s a thigh man. Having a child isn’t just a miracle because of the baby. Being able to figure out a new normal in the bedroom is a miracle, too, sis.”
Shellie here: If you can relate to what Iris just said about climaxing while breastfeeding, there is no reason to feel embarrassed or guilty.Breastfeeding tends to produce some of the same hormones that come from sexual stimulation — for instance, remember that oxytocin is a bonding chemical.It’s for this same reason that you might produce extra milk when you orgasm after having sex with your partner. It’s natural. It also tends not to last forever. It will usually pass.
9. Hope. 32. Mom to a Four-Month-Old. Second Child.
“The talk about the whole ‘Madonna-Whore’ thing that men may go through — you know, how once you become their wife or mother of their child, they have a hard time seeing you as a sexual being. Some of us go through that, too. I don’t have hang-ups about sex. I’m just not as nasty as I used to be. My body is used for so many different things now, and the fluids get all mixed in together — I dunno. Sometimes, when I’m about to show my porn side, I’m like, ‘Hold up — is this appropriate? I’m a mother now. It’s so complex, honey.”
10. Tateyana. 27. Mom to a Nine-Month-Old. First Child.
“I was told to get a co-sleeper and keep our baby out of our bed. I didn’t listen. I wish I had because now our bedroom is more like a nursery/daycare and it’s harder than ever to keep our son out of our bed — emotionally. My husband is patient; sometimes, he’s the one who wants our son to stay in the bed but we know that sex is an important part of marriage and we certainly didn’t sign up to be co-parents who are roommates. When they say that the bedroom is for sex and sleep only, the sleep part really shouldn’t be your children. They’ve got a room. They’ll be fine in there. We’re trying to wean him off now, so I’m preaching to the choir here. Sex after babies…it’s just so much.”
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Sex after babies…it’s just so much. As you can see, sex, post-delivery can be layered, complex, and sometimes challenging. Still, if you have a partner who is understanding, if you’re patient with yourself throughout your transitions, and if you get that healthy intimacy has a mental, emotional, and spiritual component that can get you through all of the physical “growing pains” that you may be experiencing — sex after having a child can become richer, closer and even better with time.
After all, a new normal? Sometimes, it exceeds what you’ve been accustomed to.
And isn’t that something to look forward to when it comes to post-delivery intimacy? Definitely.
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