Throughout the years, a good amount of single people have hit me up to talk about the double-edged sword that comes with dating. While on one hand, they know that it's an effective way to meet new people (or get to know someone better), when there's not an initial connection or the date itself is wack, and this happens more than three times in a row, "weary" doesn't even begin to express how it makes them feel.
I thought about this when I read an article about some of the things that folks hate the most about dating. One person said they hate it when first dates happen at the other person's house. Another said what they hate are "two-night stands"—you know, when the first two dates are fabulous, you think something real is transpiring, only to find out that he wasn't all that you thought he was—after he gets some. Someone else mentioned what they hated about dating was all of the stages we oftentimes seem to have to go through in order to finally be in an "official" relationship.
Whew chile. It's been a hot minute since I've been on a date (by choice), but man, reading all of that definitely takes me back. The uncreative dates. The time invested. The disappointments. It all can tempt you to just call it a day and Netflix and Chill by your own damn self. But before you take such drastic measures, come sit on my cyberspace couch and let's look a little deeper into what's really going on. Sometimes, when the right questions are asked, it can lead you to the answers that you need to have a better and brighter perspective on things.
Dating doesn't have to be a low-key cuss word in your mind. It's all about figuring out what you want and how to use it to your best advantage.
Perhaps scratching beneath the surface of your utter disdain will help.
What About Dating Do You Dislike?
I already shared some of the reasons why people hate dating according to the internet, but you are your own person. Can you relate to the reasons that I just shared, or do your reasons go beyond them? Maybe your dates have always been set ups that have gone totally wrong. Maybe you're an introvert or an ambivert and, for that reason, dating has always been a little awkward or even difficult. Maybe you only go on dates because society (or maybe even your mama or auntie) has made you think that, as a single woman, it's something that you're "supposed to do".
Have you ever been around a toddler who is hungry, but they don't know what they want to eat? And, since they don't know, that only further irritates them? A lot of us grown folks are a lot like that. We might know that we're unhappy about something, but until we make the time to discover why that is the case, it's going to stay that way.
So, if you do indeed hate dating, pull out a sheet of paper and jot down exactly why. Then share your thoughts with a married couple, a guy friend and a girlfriend. Be open to their insights and perspectives about what you just shared. Sometimes, just knowing the root cause of your feelings—and then gaining some wisdom from folks who care about you—can totally alter how (and why) you date, moving forward.
Have You Actually Had a Great Date Before?
Let's be honest. One of the reasons why a lot of us hate dating is because we've never been on a great date before. Sometimes it's too predictable like dinner and a movie. Other times, the guy exhibits all sorts of no-no dating behaviors like staying on his phone or flirting with the server. Maybe the attraction is there, but the communication totally sucks. Y'all know I could go on and on…and on and on about this.
A great date that I had with someone came as the result of talking to him about what I considered a great date to be ahead of time. I didn't want to plan it. I didn't want to be on the clock. I wanted to try something I had never done before. He came up with a day date that consisted of doing fun things in the day (casual wear) and then going to a really nice restaurant at night (dressing up). And yes, he got me to do something that, not only had I never done before, but I never thought I would do. It was perfect.
The reason why I just shared that little tale is while it's nice when a guy is super-intuitive, it's not fair to expect him to be a mind-reader (especially if it's the first or second date). Therefore, sharing what your idea of a great date is isn't a bad thing. From what my male friends have told me, hearing a few suggestions can actually prove to be quite beneficial.
How do you do that? Well, when he asks you out and you say "yes", it's OK to ask him what he is thinking about doing. If in your mind, you're already thinking "yuck", don't say that out of your mouth; however, do offer up some other options to consider. Ask him if he'd be open to any of those. There's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "You have not because you ask not." (James 4:2) When it comes to dating, this tends to very much so apply.
Do You Need to Do Some “Bad Date Detoxing”?
Something that I absolutely adore when it comes to a lot of fathers that I know is they make it a point and purpose to "date their daughters"; it's a standing appointment, every month, to do something special, just the two of them. If a lot of us were honest with ourselves, the reason why we don't "get" dating now is because our fathers didn't do the same thing for us.
That's unfortunate, but there's no time like the present to do what I call "bad date detoxing". Take a month or two to not formally go out on dates. Then, during that time, ask some of your single male friends if they would be willing to go out on a few dates with you. The objective here is not to "date" them so much as for them to help you to set a standard of what you desire and expect.
I know that this works because, after venting to some of my own single male friends about some of the foolishness that I've been through, they were like, "Girl, let me show you how a real man does it." Many times, what they came up with really did open my eyes to two things. One, that some men really do know what a proper date is like and two, that when a guy is truly invested in you, he will put in the time, effort and energy to "date you right" (meaning, date you the way you want to be dated).
Again, going on dates with your friends may seem trivial or maybe even counterproductive since what you may ultimately desire is a romantic connection. But being able to let someone who you know loves you cater to you in this way can restore your faith in men and detox you any of the resentment that you've had about dating all of this time.
Do You Have Dating Standards—and Do You Honor Them?
Dating shouldn't be a free for all. Unfortunately, a lot of us date that way, though. What I mean by that is, if a friend calls us up and tells us they have someone that they want us to meet or if we swipe right on a dating app because someone is cute and doesn't have too many typos in their correspondence, we might say to ourselves, "Why not? It can't hurt." Eh. Maybe, maybe not. But if you want to go on dates for more reasons than to have something to do on a Friday or Saturday night, it's OK to have a few requirements.
If you're wondering if yours are too high, personally, I don't think there is any such thing. What I will say is, based on what your personal ones may be, it could require more patience to see them manifest. What I will also say is there's sometimes a not-so-fine line between having high standards and being totally unrealistic. If you're wondering what side of the fence you are on, click here to take a quiz and see. (It's not a serious or scientific one, but it could provide a few ah-ha moments for you.)
What Do You Personally Think Dating Is For?
Another reason why some people hate dating is because they haven't really asked themselves why they are doing it. Semi-recently, we posted a video on our IG from a woman by the name of Chance Cessna who said, "Don't just date someone who is going to accommodate today. Date someone who is going to fit your future." If what you ultimately desire is for dating to transition over into courting (because they are not one in the same), I totally agree with her. But, contrary to popular belief, I know for a fact that some women don't date in the hopes of getting into a serious relationship or finding a husband. Some people simply want to enjoy the company of members of the opposite sex. Some have no problem with casual dating.
Whatever your personal reason for dating is, you're going to get frustrated if, three dates in with someone, you find out you and he are on two totally different pages, and that it got that far because you weren't even sure what you wanted from the jump. So yeah, another way to work through dating frustrations is to figure out, for yourself, what you're dating for. If you treat it like nothing more than "something to do", your energy will probably attract people who are just as nonchalant and dismissive about it. Just something to think about.
Now that we've explored how to adjust your mindset concerning dating, let's look into what steps you should put into place.
Create a Dating Dream Board. Then Don’t Settle.
Pretty much all of us have heard of vision boards at this point. If you've never made one before because a part of you is skeptical about how truly effective they are, consider checking out articles on our site like "A Vision Board Helped 'Glow' Actress Sydelle Noel Manifest Her Best Life". There are so many people who can personally vouch for the fact that creating a vision board can help you to focus on what you really desire, provide you with a daily visual reminder of those things, and also keep you in a positive state of mind while you ask them to manifest.
Keeping all of this in mind, why not create a vision board that is totally centered around the kind of dating life you'd like to have? The type of dates you'd like to go on, the kind of man you'd like to enjoy those dates with and what you'd ultimately like those dates to lead to. A great thing about making your own dating dream board—and then posting it up in a place where you can always see it—is not only will it remind you of what you want, it will also prevent you from settling in the meantime. Black and Married with Kids has a great read on this very topic. Check out "Single Ladies: How To Manifest the Man of Your Dreams With a 2019 Vision Board" when you get a chance.
Be Open-Minded.
You might've heard the quote by artist Frank Zappa that says, "A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open." While you shouldn't be so open-minded that your brain falls out (standards, boundaries and principles exist for a reason and purpose), I will say that if all you keep saying to yourself—and anyone else who will listen—is that you hate dating, well…one definition of hate is "unwilling". You know what that means, right? You are basically putting out into the atmosphere that you are unwilling to date. No wonder your dating life is the way that it is. You've literally been standing in your own way!
So, how do you approach being more open-minded as it relates to the dating scene? If you've never let a friend fix you up, try it. If online dating scares you, what I will say is this—reportedly, 40 percent of Americans use online dating as a way to meet new people and 20 percent of folks who are currently in committed relationships met online, so why not at least consider giving it a shot? Why not do something that is a little bit out of your comfort zone?
Take the Pressure Off.
The two main rules in dating (for a woman) are to not settle and to require chivalry at all times. Everything else? Feel free to do some "editing" as you go along. What I mean by that is if you want to ask a guy out, do it. If you want to try going out with someone who isn't your traditional type, no one said you had to marry the guy—try it.
Another reason why a lot of people hate dating is because they are so tied to what they think dating should look like or they're so focused on how someone else's love story went that they end up putting more pressure onto themselves than they actually should.
If you want to break from feeling some type of way (that ain't good) about dating, stop overthinking, relax a little and embrace new ways to approach it; starting with your mindset. In time, you might be surprised how your hate—again, meaning your unwillingness—transitions into a more positive outlook—on dating and dating prospects overall. Keep us posted, please.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
This Is What You Can Get Out Of A BAD Date
7 Ways To Have An Incredible First Date
Are You Guilty Of Making These Dating Mistakes?
Are You Dating The Same Guy Over And Over Again? Maybe.
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RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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Either way, we’re breaking down how to harness the alluring black cat energy to attract and cultivate your purrrfect match, or how to deepen your current relationship.
What is Black Cat Energy?
Black cat energy has made a splash all over TikTok since 2021 where users have popularized “the black cat/golden retriever” theory based on the notorious attributes of felines and pups.
Pet owners and those who have had the pleasure of engaging with furry friends know that cats tend to have personality traits of being more independent, cautious, and unbothered until they develop a relationship with you – then you’ll be graced with their loveable side – whereas dogs, much like golden retrievers, are often overly excited to see you, bursting with happy energy, and seeking your affection, even if they just met you.
Black cats especially possess an elusive, regal, and pompous vibe that makes them irresistible. You can’t simply win these mysterious creatures over with your mere presence. You’ll have to earn their affection.
And if by a stroke of luck, they open up to you, they’ll always keep you wanting more of them. That same je ne sais quoi is what TikTokers are raving about, claiming that if you channel black cat energy into your love life, you’ll summon the person of your dreams and make them fall in love with every part of you.
What’s more, according to The Spruce Pets, single women in Japan who own black cats are believed to attract more suitors. In parts of Great Britain, a black cat is the quintessential wedding gift because they’re believed to bring good luck and happiness to the bride.
Why the Black Cat/Golden Retriever Dynamic Works
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Anyone can be the black cat or the golden retriever in the relationship, but TikTokers and some relationship experts say the best way to ensure long-lasting compatibility is for the woman to be the black cat, while the man exudes golden retriever tendencies.
Dating coach Anwar White solidifies finding the yin to your yang, instructing women to find their complement. “Most people look to date their clone and you’re going to need to date looking for your compliment – that is what is going to bring you the most success.”
In the 14 years he’s been a dating coach, he shared the best complementary personalities that make for a good match. “If you’re a type A, boss babe, you’re going to be looking for the optimistic golden retriever guy. This is the guy that wants to get done whatever you want to get done. This is the engineer, the federal employee, or an architect. It’s very much black cat/golden retriever vibes.”
No matter what stage you’re at in your love life, it’s never too late to transition from subservient golden retriever to omnipotent black cat.
TikToker @jaclyn.dasilva explains that she used to be in her golden retriever energy in her marriage – catering to her husband, and what he needed and liked until she learned how to epitomize the black cat energy.
“We have this beautiful energy as women. When we learn to put all that beautiful, nurturing energy into ourselves that is when they want us. That is when they chase us. Now I think about what I want to eat. What do I want to drink? What book do I want to read? And I put my energy into myself.”
She continues, “And now he’s the one chasing me. He’s the one who can’t get enough of me. When we see ourselves as the prize, that is when he sees us as the prize. Stop chasing him. Let him chase you. Be about you, he’ll be about you.”
How To Embody The Black Cat Principles In Your Dating Life
Dating and maintaining a flourishing relationship in today’s technology-driven world is no easy feat. We have abundantly more access to swipe right or left on apps, or serendipitously meet a great catch in person than our parents and grandparent’s generations.
And yet, with all the potential options, somehow it seems more difficult to stumble across Mr. or Mrs. Right or to maintain a long-term symbiotic relationship. Fortunately navigating dating and relationships becomes easier when you know exactly who you are–your different quirks, flaws, and assets–and when you keenly understand the little things that titillate your world and accept the nuances and icks of a person that you know are not aligned with you.
A woman relishing in her black cat energy and femininity knows exactly what she wants and needs and doesn’t detour from who she is for anyone. These are the qualities of black cat women:
High Standards
Nothing says you’re the main character or HBIC like flaunting high standards and sticking to them.
TikToker Anna Kristina, the self-proclaimed creator of the "black cat theory" shared how to become the ultimate black cat and have men eating from the palm of your hand. “You have to be inconvenient. You have to be bitchy. You have to have standards and certain expectations. The higher the expectations, and the more unrealistic, the better.”
Elusiveness
Relationship TikToker Tomisin Atobatele offers women insights into the essence of being elusive. "I want you to stop being eager to tell men everything you’re thinking and feeling, and especially tell men exactly what you desire. If a guy asks you what you want out of a guy, or what you’re looking for, I want you to be vague…When you’re vague, and someone’s interested in you, it forces them to do work in order to get those answers.”
"And just that fast, you’ve created a scenario where he’s thinking about you," he added. "He’s thinking about your needs. He’s thinking about your wants and desires. And in the process of him thinking about your wants and desires, his focus is on you.”
Firm Boundary Setter
Self-preservation, respect, and overall happiness stem from healthy boundaries. A woman basking in black cat energy knows exactly when and how to implement boundaries. Black cats have boundaries. They will let you know when they are done getting petted," said TikToker Marian Bacol.
“They will let you know when they want to give you attention. They will stare you down if they are done with you. They are clear on their boundaries and they’re not afraid to enforce it. They don’t give love and affection to anyone and everyone the way that dogs do. Cats are more selective and that’s how you have to be with your energy.”
Unapologetically Authentic
A sure way to have a man perpetually falling for you is to be authentically you without changing who you are, solely for him.
“If you want him to chase you as opposed to you chasing him, you need to remember this one thing…whatever attributes you have: your style, your hair color, your whatever you’ve got going on – you don’t change for him," said life coach Margarita Nazarenko. "The black cat would never change for a man and that’s what’s going to make him chase you.”
She cements the rule with an analogy: “The rule is: if you make the best chocolate cake and he likes apple pie, make him the best chocolate cake, not a sub apple pie.”
Famous Couples That Successfully Personify Black Cat/Golden Retriever Energy
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These power couples prove why women who helm their black cat energy make their men swoon:
Rihanna & ASAP Rocky
"[The relationship] is going great. I don’t think there’s a more perfect person because when the schedules are hectic, she’s very understanding of that," A$AP Rocky told Billboard about his relationship with Rihanna. "And when the schedule’s freed up, that’s when you get to spend [the] most time together. It’s all understanding and compatibility.
Ashanti & Nelly
Lauren Speed Hamilton & Cameron Hamilton
Lauren Speed Hamilton and Cameron Hamilton are proof positive of the Love Is Blind concept. More recently, the married couple got real on their podcast about the struggles of expanding their family through fertility treatments. "When I saw what you were going through, terms of taking the medications, doing the daily shots, knowing that IVF and all this stuff wasn't really something that you naturally wanted to do but you did it for me," Cameron shared in episode 2 of The Love Seat podcast with Lauren, his voice beginning to crack.
"You showed me a new level of love that I'd never seen before."
Kristy Scott & Desmond Scott
Zendaya & Tom Holland
"You can’t really find anything against Zendaya, she’s kind of like the perfect person," Tom Holland shared about girlfriend Zendaya in a 2021 interview with Backstage. "It was so wonderful to have someone like her in my corner, to help me grow through that process … Having her as a friend has been so valuable to the success and happiness of my career and life."
Gabrielle Union & Dwyane Wade
Ciara & Russell Wilson
"For me, I knew that God had brought me in her life to bless her and for her to bless me," Russell Wilson told Access Hollywood about wife Ciara.
Serena Williams & Alexis Ohanian
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