The Complex Relationship Between Black Women, Our Hair, And the Protective Styles We Love

Black women’s natural hair is constantly a topic of conversation. Whether it’s in the workplace, on the red carpet, or in everyday life, how Black women choose to style their hair will always be a topic. This constant bombardment of opinions, both inside and outside of the Black community, about the way Black women’s hair is presented to the rest of the world can be a lot to manage and process at times.
Though we sang along with India.Arie, as she serenaded us with her classic “I Am Not My Hair,” Black women’s hair is indeed a statement of who they choose to be when they show up in the world each day. Valencia Carillo of Perfect Hair says, “We like to say we aren't our hair, but we also are. It changes how we feel and how we view ourselves.”
There are many reasons Black women choose protective styles such as braids, twists, and wigs as their go-to styles for everyday life.
“I wear protective styles because it's not only convenient to manage, but I love it," shares Bobbie Riley, celebrity hair and makeup artist. As a Black woman who is constantly on various sets throughout Los Angeles, I’m always aware of my hair and the lack of knowledge some have about it. I want to feel confident when doing shoots, but know there’s always a chance that the HMU on set won’t be prepared to style me accordingly. This is why I choose protective styles so frequently when shooting. However, when I’m not booked, I enjoy having my natural hair free.
Today, more Black women are embracing their natural hair and protective styles while pushing boundaries they wouldn’t have been able to less than a decade ago. Abena Afrane, a licensed celebrity cosmetologist, says, “There's a noticeable shift, even among news anchors, who now confidently wear hairstyles like braids on TV.” Yet, even with this shift, a new conversation is emerging about Black women and protective styles.
Though we see many Black women wearing their natural hair publicly, there is also a new lingering question, “Is Black women’s ‘reliance’ on protective styles simply another way we’ve found to hide a piece of ourselves in order to be deemed more presentable?”
The truth of it all lies somewhere much deeper than that.
The History of Hair Discrimination
To fully understand where the stigma and desire to assimilate comes from, we have to venture to the origin of hair discrimination in America. Black women’s hair has been used as a weapon against them since the inception of this country. The coils of our hair are one of the most prominent features that distinguishes Black people from other races, and because of this, it’s been used to make us feel inferior.
One example of this would be the origins of the term “nappy.” It’s believed that the origin of the term comes from the word nap, which described the frizzled thread that came apart from a piece of fabric. The term “nappy” was used to describe African slaves’ hair to demean and dehumanize them.
Likewise, because of the intricate braiding styles and designs our ancestors brought to America from the continent, Black women were often forced to hide their hair. This was used as a tool to shame Black women, create a racial hierarchy, and hide our culture.
An example of this was the Tignon Laws of 1786. When the Spanish took control of Louisiana, there was a population of free Black people living in the state. To display a cultural hierarchy, the governor mandated that free Black women wear tignon, head scarves historically worn by slaves, as a means to display their inferiority to white women.

Cabinet Card of Sarah Ann Blunt Crozley wearing a tignon in the 1800s.
Heritage Art/Heritage Images via Getty Images
Though they complied, they began to use them not only as a fashion statement, making them out of colorful and expensive fabrics and adding feathers and jewels to them, but also as a means of rebellion against their colonial ruling powers.
As time went on, Black women began to attempt to assimilate into white culture by straightening their hair. The famous Madame C.J. Walker made her fortune helping Black women manage and permanently straighten their hair. Though Walker’s business thrived and enabled other Black women to build wealth, today, many Black women are moving away from relaxers and consistently straightening their hair.
Black women are now embracing their natural hair with each passing year, but this emergence of unapologetic Blackness is often met with pushback.
Where Do Protective Styles Come From?
Protective styles are not a new phenomenon within the Black community or our African ancestry. The texture of most Black women’s hair easily gets tangled and knotted and can succumb to breakage if not well cared for properly. This reality has led centuries of Black women to find ways to protect and maintain their crowns. There are Stone Age paintings dating back to 3000 BC of North African women wearing braids in their hair.
What we call cornrows – named by enslaved Africans in the American South because they looked like rows of corn – are also known as irun didi by Yoruba people. The intricate nature of this style was not only practical but easier to maintain for an extended amount of time.
Similarly, Fulani braids – named after the Fulani people of West Africa – were used as a symbol of a woman’s marital status, career, or socio-economic class in pre-slave trade Africa. Likewise, Bantu knots – named after the Bantu group of the Zulu people – were used as a heatless curling technique for Black women centuries before it gained popularity in mainstream America.

Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
As chronicled in Hair Story: Untangling the Roots of Black Hair in America by Ayana D. Byrd and Lori L. Tharps, the everchanging and cyclical relationship Black people have with their hair is often a reflection of their desire for freedom or connection to their ancestral roots. Growing up in the 90s, braids, twists, ponytails, wigs, etc. were commonplace in my and my mother’s friend groups.
Black women looking for ways to manage and care for their hair isn’t a new concept, but protective styles transition into the mainstream arena has created new conversations centered around whether Black women are using it as a mechanism to hide their natural hair.
Instead of acknowledging that Black women are becoming more comfortable with embracing themselves and their heritage, their choice of hairstyle is yet another sector where individuals have been allowed to over-police and analyze them.
Hair Discrimination Today
Global Head of DEI for Ferguson Partners Dionna Johnson Sallis admits she has experienced and witnessed hair discrimination towards Black women multiple times during her 13-year tenure in corporate America. She says, “wearing straight wigs or getting sew-ins that mirror the Eurocentric form of beauty can be a form of fitting in.” Sallis continues, “But I think many of us lean toward the more Afrocentric forms of a protective styling such as braids, twists, faux locs, and things that are more textured.”
I agree with Sallis and often use protective styles that still fully display my “Blackness,” because my goal is never to make any believe I’m ashamed of my culture or ancestry. However, there was a time when wearing my natural hair to work, whether it be in front of or behind the camera, was seen as unkempt or unprofessional.
I was told to make sure my hair was “neat” when I came into the office or was a prominent topic of discussion whenever I wore my fro out.
Luckily, I have always had older Black women around to remind my white coworkers not to touch my hair or make a big deal out of a new style I had. Nonetheless, these constant microaggressions can weigh on a person while begging the question: “Should I just cover my natural hair so they’ll shut up already?”
Sallis believes experiences like the ones I describe are less prominent today; “Because of the CROWN Act, it is made it more difficult to be discriminated against because there is a very blatant law in place to prevent this discrimination and microaggressions compared to 10 or 15 years ago.”
Strides like these have come as a result of Black women mobilizing to pursue true equity for themselves and future generations. Afrane adds, “I've observed a significant change where we're boldly advocating for equality and inclusivity in professional spaces. It's inspiring to witness us standing up and speaking out for ourselves.”
Black Women’s Rights to Their Individuality
Depending on what your daily life looks like, protective styles can be an easy way to manage and maintain your natural hair in a healthy manner. Carillo has been doing my protective styles for years, and we often talk about our busy lives managing businesses, being mothers, and still wanting to feel like ourselves. Like many Black women, we use our hair as a form of expression and style. Carillo says, “At the end of it all, I think most Black women choose what we want and what makes us feel good.” Afrane agrees, “It feels like we're collectively embracing hairstyles that bring us joy and align with our lifestyles.”
Though there will always be podcast conversations on whether or not natural hair is appropriate for formal events and people trying to create a divide between Black women who mainly wear weave and wigs versus the ones who wear their afro regularly, the one consensus I found among the women I interviewed is there is some level of awareness, whether positive or negative, Black women experience in relationship to their hair and how others perceive them.

Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
Riley shared a recent experience on set with one of her clients where the brand wanted a fiber fill to give her client a more “hair-like look.” Riley and her client both agreed it wasn’t the direction they wanted to go and continued with their original aesthetic for the shoot. “I loved her facial structure and her hair how it was, and I wanted her to feel just as beautiful embracing it,” Riley says.
Carillo adds, “Insecurities are real, and while we love to do what we need to for us, I'd be lying to say some women don't consider what others think.”
As we all know, existing in the intersectionality of Black womanhood comes with a slew of challenges, disparities, and dangers. However, just as the women of Louisiana in 1786 used their tignons as a form of expression, creativity, and rebellion, Black women today embrace our crowns the same way. One of the greatest joys many of us experience as Black women are switching up our hairstyles to match our mood, occasion, or season.
We find liberation in changing our styles to express who we are in the current moment we’re existing in. Though there are some who may use protective styles as a means to assimilate into Eurocentric culture, far more of us change our hairstyles to match our vibe. Afrane says, “The joy lies in the freedom to explore various looks, and it feels like we're collectively embracing hairstyles that bring us joy.”
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Featured image by Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
Originally published on February 27, 2024
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This Is How To Keep 'Holiday Season Stress' From Infecting Your Relationship
Hmph. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there is something really weird happening in the fall season air (because winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21) that cuddle season is in full swing while break-up season is as well. In fact, did you know that break-ups are so popular during the holiday season that December 11 is deemed Break-Up Day?
The reasons why relationships shift around this time vary; however, I did both roll my eyes and chuckle when I read that a very popular one is because it’s an easy way to get out of getting one’s significant other a Christmas present. SMDH.
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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How To Avoid Being An Emotionally Impulsive Spender This Holiday Season
Geeze. Can you believe that we are just a few days out from another Christmas? Yeah, me neither. In fact, because I’m not a holidays person myself (check out “So, What If You Don't Observe Holidays?”), it wasn’t until one of my clients was venting about how stressed out she was due to all of the holiday season procrastinating that she had been doing that I realized just how fast December is actually flying by.
If, like her, you’re feeling frazzled because, although you told yourself last year that you weren’t going to wait until the last minute to “handle your business,” you ended up doing exactly that, fret not. I’ve got 10 tips that can keep you from making emotionally-triggered decisions as far as your financial expenses are concerned. Merry Christmas. #wink
1. Create a Budget. Stick to It.
GiphyBudgets, boy. I recently read that one of the reasons why they don’t work for a lot of people is because many folks don’t have a clue about how much money they spend on a monthly basis to begin with. SMDH. That said, at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that a budget is simply setting boundaries/limits on your spending — and being intentional about moving in this fashion is always a wise move; especially when it comes to this time of the year…especially being that it’s typical for half of all Americans to take on some type of holiday season debt with 17 percent needing six (or more) months to pay it off.
Know what can prevent this kind of financial chaos? A SPENDING BUDGET. Tips for how to create one of your own this year can be found here.
2. Never Shop When You’re Stressed or Pressed
GiphyYou know how they say that it’s not a good idea to go grocery shopping when you’re hungry? Although the holiday season can be a stressful time, avoid shopping for gifts (or décor or food for recipes) when you are feeling stressed out or pressed for time. More times than not, that cultivates anxiety which could cause you to either purchase things that you don’t really want or to spend money that you don’t really have (P.S. If you’re relying on credit cards, that qualifies as money that you don’t really have. Just sayin’).
3. Don’t Keep Up with the Joneses
GiphyKnow something else that can stress you out: trying to keep up with the Joneses. And y’all, now that we have social media, the reality is that envy is at an all-time high. That’s because it can be really easy to watch holiday engagements, holiday trips and folks bragging about the things that they’ve received in times past, only for you to find yourself wishing that you were them — or putting pressure on yourself and those in your world to keep up.
Listen, it is King Solomon who once said, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) and “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones” (Proverbs 14:30 — NKJV) and he’s considered to be the wisest man who ever lived (during his time — I Kings 4:30). Yeah, both of these verses are a spiritual reminder that whatever you are planning to do or give, do it out of the goodness of your heart — not so that you can low-key “outdo” the next guy.
4. No Need to “Tit-for-Tat”
GiphyThis one might be a bit controversial yet I’m totally okay with that. I don’t care what the occasion is, no one is OWED a present. A gift is a voluntary token of one’s appreciation or affection. That said, if you decide to give someone a present this year, don’t automatically expect something in return. If you get something, cool. If not, if you were giving for the right reasons, it really shouldn’t matter (RIGHT?). On the flip side, if someone decides to get you something and you don’t have something to offer in return, also cool.
Other than going to someone’s home for a holiday dinner or party, for anyone to feel like they should have something in hand because someone else does…that’s not giving, that’s competing — and that absolutely should not be the spirit that you are in (or around) during this time of year.
Again, a gift is not an obligatory thing. If you’ve always thought otherwise, it’s time to do some serious reprogramming.
5. Avoid the Pressure to Buy for Lots of Adults
GiphyLast month, Newsweek published an article that said it’s wise to not spend a ton of money purchasing gifts for adults. A financial expert in the piece said that it’s best to buy for kids because, more times than not, you’re going to get adults something that they already have a lot of, they don’t really need or they’re not going to use (beyond maybe regifting) anyway.
If you’re not feeling that insight, my take would be to exchange names and set a price cap for the grown folks. I say that because, I don’t think that people ever outgrow wanting something over Christmas. It’s just that the over-the-top energy should be reserved for the kiddies — and even then, the “4-gift rule” (want, need, read, experience) is probably your best bet for them…financially and otherwise.
6. Go for Thoughtful over Expensive
GiphyIt’s kind of wild how much close-to-torture folks send themselves through to purchase gifts that, a good 6-8 months now, most folks aren’t even going to remember. That’s why it’s also a good idea to purpose in your mind to get something thoughtful over expensive.
Honestly, that’s a big part of the reason why Etsy continues to be a go-to for gifts (for every occasion) for me. It’s because you can oftentimes get things customized/personalized which ends up meaning so much more to people than something that you bought at a generic department store that might have a high price tag yet still lacks in sentimentality and deep meaning.
7. Use Coupons and Promo Codes
GiphyCoupons (and promo codes) are a slippery slope in the sense that…they remind me of when I used to go overboard while thrift store shopping. I say that because, just because I might find several bomb dresses for under $20, what am I going to do with 50 of ‘em (over time)? It’s just as much of a waste of money as buying couture if neither option gets much use.
And that’s kind of the thing about coupons and promo codes. Some people end up overspending because they rationalize that so long as there are discounts attached, it’s all good. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that you should forego coupons and promo codes altogether. The key is to put together your shopping list (and budget) and then use discounts specifically for those items. If you do this, you could save well over $1,000 annually (at least, depending on what you decide to buy).
8. Avoid Add-Ons
GiphyYeah. Dodge add-on expenses. Add-ons like what? The first thing that comes to my mind is a warranty. What’s the chance that someone is actually going to need that? Another example is paying for things to be “professionally” gift wrapped. Chile, throw that stuff in a gift bag with some tissue paper and go on about your day. All good.
9. Rethink Gift Cards
GiphyIf there is any time of the year when there is a noticeable hike in gift card purchases, now would be it. And although they are a convenient approach to gift giving, at the same time, many come with hidden fees, the full amount oftentimes goes unused (which ends up being a waste of money) and they do come with expiration dates that are oftentimes forgotten.
So, if you’re someone who likes to wait until the last minute to do your holiday shopping, resist the urge to impulsively pick up a handful of gift cards. Unless it’s to a place that you know someone is going to use within the next few months, they could end up in somebody’s kitchen drawer for the next couple of years. And what a waste that would be.
10. They’ll Get It When They Do. And That’s Okay.

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GiphyOne more. Although it is super thoughtful and proactive to get people their gifts in time for whatever occasion you purchased them for, if trying to reach that goal is going to require paying for rush shipping that is damn near as high as the price of gift or spending a lot of gas money that you don’t have at the moment to drive miles and miles away — take the pressure off to spend a ton of cash just to make sure that something arrives at December 25. Listen, through doing business with Etsy, I have learned that through this administration, there are all sorts of tariff issues going on and the USPS is slower than ever too, so paying more may not guarantee much.
The hack? Send a message that something special is coming…soon enough. The thought really is what counts (more times than not); plus, it builds anticipation of something good coming, even if it’s after all of the Christmas Day hoopla. And no one (with sense) is going to have a problem with that.
Now don’t you feel better? Happy Holiday Shopping, sis.
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