Hey, dog Tubi out if you want to; however, word on the street is that it’s a platform that issteadily gaining on these streaming options out here. And although I will be the first to admit that some of the options are very umm, comical (yeah, let’s go with that — and while we’re here, why do so many of our movies have to have so much nonsensical violence in them? Goodness.), there are certain sections (like their indie options) that are pretty damn good.
Take a movie that I checked out not too long ago. Although the name of it escapes me at the moment, I do have a habit of jotting down quotes that I like while watching TV (or even when I’m at the movie theater). This particular movie featured one that I happened to like a lot: "Real love is liking who you are the most around another person.” (I like it so much that I’m actually gonna shout it out in my upcoming book!)
I pondered that point while reflecting on some of my past relationships (or situationships) that inspired me to write this piece. Because, when it’s all said and done, if you’re not feeling like your best self while you’re dating someone, you’re basically settling. And if you’re settling, you’re ultimately wasting your time…and his.
Know another sign of settling? Not being as into him as you should be. The thing is, sometimes, some of us want to be in a relationship so badly or we’ve been settling in different other areas of our lives for so long that we’re not sure if we’re really into someone or if we’re just trying to make ourselves be…so that we won’t have to be alone.
If what I said just resonated with you in ways that you didn’t quite expect, let me do you an extra solid by providing six very telling signs that, even if he’s a nice guy, even if you have some things in common, even if the intimacy is “aight,” you’re actually not that into him which means, it really is time to spare you both and…move on.
1. You’re Convincing Yourself to Be into Him
GiphyTime is one thing that you can never get back. I don’t care how much you try to romanticize it by saying that you can “redeem time” or make up for lost time, in many ways, time is like sleep. What I mean by that is, when you don’t get 6-8 hours of rest for a week or so, even if you crash out for a weekend and stay in bed the entire time, it’s not going to help you to get back all of those hours that you already lost. Along these same lines, when you waste your time or something or someone, even if you can say that you learned some things from the experience, you’re still not going to be able to get that time back. Hmph. My last boyfriend took up six years of my life and although it did teach me some things about…a lot of things, I can’t do anything about losing all of those hours, days, weeks, months, and years.
That’s why it is a HUGE red flag (and yes, I am yelling it!) to me, whenever I hear someone sound like they are trying to talk themselves into getting with — or staying with — an individual. Some of my energy? Oh, I know it’s projection because that’s how I found myself in the relationship that I was just talking about. My head and heart were never fully in it — yet I told myself, “Maybe I’ll grow to be attracted,” “Maybe it’s just because he’s so not my type and I have some reprogramming to do” and “Maybe I’m just being shallow.” Chile, thing is, until I could get answers for myself when it comes to all of that maybe-ing that I was doing, I really should have not agreed to commit.
Y’all, I can’t tell you how many couples I have worked with where one — sometimes even both — of them has admitted that they convinced themselves to try and feel something for their partner that wasn’t really there (check out “What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?”). Because of that, they would nitpick issues in the relationship, create problems that didn’t really exist, and actually find ways to make their partner so miserable that they could justify calling it quits. SMDH. This is one of the main reasons why I can’t tell you how many times I have said to folks who are dating who aren’t very happy, “It is so much better to break up than to divorce” — and it all the way is.
So, straight up, if you are out here having conversations with yourself in the tone of “I mean, it’s not that bad” — you are convincing yourself to remain, and, sooner or later, it’s going to turn into an avalanche of either a lot of problems or a ton of regret. I can almost guarantee it.
2. You’ve Got a “Paperclipping” Spirit
GiphyGeeze. At this point, exactly how many dating terms are there out here? Anyway, one that applies to this article is known as “paperclipping.” And just what is that? Well, on the surface level, it’s when you find yourself going on a few dates with someone, and you don’t hear from them for days or weeks on end, only for them to pop up out of the blue with some variation of a “hey, big head” text or DM. And just why would someone do that? According to some mental health and dating experts, it’s basically an ego boost — they don’t really want to be in a relationship with you but they do want to see if they could still gain access to you if/when they feel like it.
The way this translates into being with someone who you’re not totally into is sometimes people will do a variation of this because they like the attention and just how much the person is into them. And so, while they won’t go “all in” like they would for someone who they really and truly care about, what they will do is give the individual just enough to stick around and settle for less; then, when they feel like the person might be starting to tap out, all of a sudden, they will invest some of time, effort and energy that they should’ve been giving all along.
Does it sound low-key evil? It is. A lot of folks do it, though. If you are one of them, karma is a mutha. Stop paperclipping and torturing that brotha. Let him go so that someone will enthusiastically do what you are pushing yourself to do…whenever you feel like it.
3. You Take More than You Give
GiphySelfish people have no business in a relationship. Full stop. However, when it comes to this particular point, I’m coming from a slightly different angle than just that. When you’re really into an individual, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else says or thinks; you dig them and so you’re going to show it. Okay, but when you’re pretty much “meh” about them? That’s when you find yourself not being as proactive as you know you could be or taking as much initiative as you should be. As a direct result, if you’re really and truly honest with yourself, you end up taking more than you end up giving.
Now, this could be on a tangible or monetary level; however, it also could be when it comes to giving compliments, celebrating achievements, acknowledging special days, planning dates, or initiating conversations about the future. When you’re not totally into a guy, it’s easy to let him do, easily 75 percent of the work, when it comes to stuff like this. And because either you don’t want to admit to yourself that you’re not “totally there” with him or because you’re self-absorbed and comfortable with the benefits that you’re getting, you’ll just keep taking…and taking…and taking. Be careful with this one, though. You can burn bridges with people who catch on to you basically using them — and some of those bridges, you may need, one way or another, later down the pike.
4. You “Double Dutch” Intimacy
GiphyBecause I see this far more in my female clients than my male ones, yes, I’m calling out (certain) wives, specifically, on this one. Boy, nothing boils me more than dealing with a married couple who has sexless marriage issues, only to find out that the wife married her husband for reasons that had nothing to do with being attracted to him and/or she was never really interested in having sex with him. Years (sometimes even months) in, she wants to gaslight him into thinking that he’s low-key got a sex addiction when the real truth is that she never was really into him, physically or sexually, from the jump. The outcome (which is more like a fallout)? Now sex feels more like a chore and, because she doesn’t want to be honest about that, she tries to act like it’s his fault and he needs to either move heaven and earth to get her interested or he pretty much needs to make peace with having less intimacy in his relationship. Whew, that’s some evil and nasty work (on her part).
It can’t be said enough that a huge part of what makes a romantic relationship different from all of the others is physical intimacy. Each couple is different as far as what the intimacy expectations are.
That said, though, if you’re out here rationing it out to your partner or, if when you do engage, you are trying to do all that you can to get or stay in the mood — I don’t know what you think marrying him is going to do. Ask any married couple who is willing to be real with you and they are going to tell you that marriage merely magnifies and amplifies what already exists. If you are out here Double Dutching — you know, you’re in and then…you are out — with that man, you are being so unfair. Don’t believe me, how would you feel if he was being that way to you? Yeah…my point exactly.
5. Your Time Clock Is Your Motivation
GiphySometimes, I’ll be asked why I stayed with my final boyfriend for as long as I did. Honestly, one of the biggest reasons is because, again, after six damn years (four being together and two still sleeping together with me not having sex with anyone else), I was afraid to start the (relationship) clock with someone else all over again. I mean, all of that time was invested; our families had bonded with the both of us; even though I wasn’t totally into him, we did have a pretty good friendship and had learned a lot about each other’s strengths, weaknesses and quirks — and although I wasn’t exactly tap-dancing at the thought of forever, I had already put in so much, shoot, everything, that I had figured out how to make us work. Why start all over? What if the risk of finding someone…more proves to not be worth it?
Y’all, I can’t tell you how many women I have heard say to me that they are going to just…be with who they are because they’re in their mid-to-late 30s, they want children and their clock is a tickin’. While I get the fear in theory (I really do), starting or continuing a relationship that is rooted in fear and/or thinking that something like marriage or kids will make your initial fears go away? I mean, you might get the last name or the child yet the feelings of settling for less won’t go away. If anything, your fear might transition into resentment and that’s not ultimately helping anyone.
So, if you’re trying to figure out if you’re totally into “him” and, as you’re reading what I’m saying, you have to admit that “I just don’t want to start all over” is a huge part of what’s keeping you around — that’s not a good enough reason to stay. You deserve to be a happy wife and mom — not just a wife and mom. Feel me?
6. It’s Harder than It Really Should Be
GiphyLet me tell it, if you’re still reading this article, that’s already a sign to end the relationship because people who don’t feel like they are settling, people who feel like they really are all in, people who adore who they are with — THEY DON’T HAVE TO WONDER. Wondering means there are some doubts and, as Benjamin Franklin once simply and yet poignantly said, “When in doubt, don’t.”
Why? Because doubt oftentimes means that there is hesitation because we are uncertain about something (or one) — and until we can get certain, at the very least, we should “press pause;” especially when it comes to something like, “Do I really care about this guy as much as I should?”
Bottom line, is even the best relationships have moments of trying times and challenges, so by no means am I saying that with the right one, the best one for you, it will be unicorns and rainbows on a daily basis. At the same time, however, what I do hope you get is when you are fully present with someone because they are who you really want to be with, relationships are a helluva lot easier — including dealing with the lows, the valleys, the ebbs, and flows of it all.
Yeah, another sign that you’re not totally into who you are with is the dynamic always feels like work — damn near like a job…because you keep pushing yourself to get to…where you aren’t.
Yes, relationships should stretch you. No, they shouldn’t be defined as being hard work most of the time. So, why do so many people say that? Because, quite frankly, a lot of them settled by choosing someone who they are not totally into. #fullcircle
____
Yeah, this is definitely one of those articles that is going to keep someone out of divorce court. I can just feel it. If there is one thing that every human is deserving of, it’s being with an individual who is totally into them while they reciprocate the very same energy.
It’s not hard to know if that is the case. We’ve just got to be honest with ourselves.
Are you? Being honest with you? Please be “into you” enough to start being real. You and he both deserve it.
No matter what the outcome of the honesty is, it’s better than settling via self-convincing.
Promise you that.
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Featured image by vitapix/Getty Images
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
Where to Stay in St. Lucia
Photo by Windjammer Landing
There are lots of different types of accommodations for travelers to choose from, and many of the top hotels and resorts in St. Lucia are located near Marigot or Rodney Bay, which are about an hour and a half from the international airport.
I stayed at the Windjammer Landing Villa Beach Resort and there were a few things that stood out to me that made this an ideal resort for my trip. First, the resort has unique Mediterranean-style villas, and the gleaming white stucco walls, blue doors, and bright bougainvillea felt like being in a traditional Greek village. On morning walks, I would climb the hilly terrain and start the morning looking over the bay.
Solo-tripping at a resort is also great for making friends. I ate alone a few times, but I also met other travelers who I shared meals with throughout my stay. Though resort food can sometimes be hit or miss, the food at the Windjammer was top-notch (and diverse). The resort has five restaurants, and I ate seafood dishes like snapper and coconut shrimp at Upper Deck and tandoori chicken and samosas from the newly introduced ‘Masala at Embers.’
The resort is spread out over 65 acres, which meant that even though I visited during high season in February, the property never felt crowded. I spent a lot of time decompressing by sitting near the beach and journaling, but there were lots of activities at the resort to keep me occupied. I enjoyed a relaxing massage at the Serene Wellness & Spa and a morning yoga session, and along with the plunge pool in my villa, the resort had six pools and offered watersports like snorkeling and kayaking.
What to Eat in St. Lucia
Photo courtesy of Mariette Williams
St. Lucia’s local fare, like many other Caribbean islands, includes fried seafood like snapper and conch, peas and rice, and plantains. One way to get a taste of the local cuisine is to head to Gros Islet for the Friday Night Party. The 50-year tradition starts at sunset and locals bring their grills, set up tabletop bars, and eat and dance late into the night. St. Lucia also has some of the freshest fruit, and during my stay, I feasted on starfruit, golden apples, papaya drizzled in lime, and savory bananas.
Another St. Lucia “must-have” is Piton beer, a light, refreshing beer with a hint of floral taste - perfect after a day spent in the sun. And if you’re a rum drinker, St. Lucia has a litany of great rums - most notably Chairman’s Reserve, Bounty, and Admiral Rodney. I had a rum tasting at the resort, which was paired with St. Lucia’s delicious chocolate, and if you’re at a bar - make sure you order a rum punch - a signature drink in the Caribbean.
Things to Do in St. Lucia
Photo courtesy of Mariette Williams
Though it would have been easy to spend the entire stay at the resort, I spent some time exploring the neighboring areas. One of the highlights was booking a boat trip to see the Pitons. Though I had seen photos of the twin peaks, the majestic volcanoes are much more impressive in person, towering over 2,000 feet in the air. Our boat captain, Delbert, stopped the boat as we marveled at one of the Caribbean's most beautiful landmarks.
Another St. Lucian highlight is the sulfur springs in Soufriere where I slathered myself in thick grayish mud and soaked in the muddy, warm springs. After my al fresco sulphuric spa treatment, our driver took us to a nearby Sulfur Springs waterfall, and it was the first time I stood under a hot waterfall. On the way back to the resort, we stopped by some shallow waters to snorkel, and as the sun started its afternoon descent, I could see why people fell in love with St. Lucia.
Truthfully, nearly any country can make a good solo trip, but St. Lucia’s peaceful setting and access to attractions make it an ideal option for beginner solo travelers. It’s relatively convenient to get to as well - located just three hours from Miami, it’s ideal for a long weekend or week-long trip to recharge. Though I left so much to explore, St. Lucia is a place where you can fill your days with exciting activities or do nothing at all, and you’ll still have an unforgettable time.
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Feature image courtesy of Mariette Williams
Originally published on February 28, 2023