
Not Sure If You're 'Into Him'? Look Out For These 6 Warning Signs.

Hey, dog Tubi out if you want to; however, word on the street is that it’s a platform that issteadily gaining on these streaming options out here. And although I will be the first to admit that some of the options are very umm, comical (yeah, let’s go with that — and while we’re here, why do so many of our movies have to have so much nonsensical violence in them? Goodness.), there are certain sections (like their indie options) that are pretty damn good.
Take a movie that I checked out not too long ago. Although the name of it escapes me at the moment, I do have a habit of jotting down quotes that I like while watching TV (or even when I’m at the movie theater). This particular movie featured one that I happened to like a lot: "Real love is liking who you are the most around another person.” (I like it so much that I’m actually gonna shout it out in my upcoming book!)
I pondered that point while reflecting on some of my past relationships (or situationships) that inspired me to write this piece. Because, when it’s all said and done, if you’re not feeling like your best self while you’re dating someone, you’re basically settling. And if you’re settling, you’re ultimately wasting your time…and his.
Know another sign of settling? Not being as into him as you should be. The thing is, sometimes, some of us want to be in a relationship so badly or we’ve been settling in different other areas of our lives for so long that we’re not sure if we’re really into someone or if we’re just trying to make ourselves be…so that we won’t have to be alone.
If what I said just resonated with you in ways that you didn’t quite expect, let me do you an extra solid by providing six very telling signs that, even if he’s a nice guy, even if you have some things in common, even if the intimacy is “aight,” you’re actually not that into him which means, it really is time to spare you both and…move on.
1. You’re Convincing Yourself to Be into Him
Time is one thing that you can never get back. I don’t care how much you try to romanticize it by saying that you can “redeem time” or make up for lost time, in many ways, time is like sleep. What I mean by that is, when you don’t get 6-8 hours of rest for a week or so, even if you crash out for a weekend and stay in bed the entire time, it’s not going to help you to get back all of those hours that you already lost. Along these same lines, when you waste your time or something or someone, even if you can say that you learned some things from the experience, you’re still not going to be able to get that time back. Hmph. My last boyfriend took up six years of my life and although it did teach me some things about…a lot of things, I can’t do anything about losing all of those hours, days, weeks, months, and years.
That’s why it is a HUGE red flag (and yes, I am yelling it!) to me, whenever I hear someone sound like they are trying to talk themselves into getting with — or staying with — an individual. Some of my energy? Oh, I know it’s projection because that’s how I found myself in the relationship that I was just talking about. My head and heart were never fully in it — yet I told myself, “Maybe I’ll grow to be attracted,” “Maybe it’s just because he’s so not my type and I have some reprogramming to do” and “Maybe I’m just being shallow.” Chile, thing is, until I could get answers for myself when it comes to all of that maybe-ing that I was doing, I really should have not agreed to commit.
Y’all, I can’t tell you how many couples I have worked with where one — sometimes even both — of them has admitted that they convinced themselves to try and feel something for their partner that wasn’t really there (check out “What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?”). Because of that, they would nitpick issues in the relationship, create problems that didn’t really exist, and actually find ways to make their partner so miserable that they could justify calling it quits. SMDH. This is one of the main reasons why I can’t tell you how many times I have said to folks who are dating who aren’t very happy, “It is so much better to break up than to divorce” — and it all the way is.
So, straight up, if you are out here having conversations with yourself in the tone of “I mean, it’s not that bad” — you are convincing yourself to remain, and, sooner or later, it’s going to turn into an avalanche of either a lot of problems or a ton of regret. I can almost guarantee it.
2. You’ve Got a “Paperclipping” Spirit
Geeze. At this point, exactly how many dating terms are there out here? Anyway, one that applies to this article is known as “paperclipping.” And just what is that? Well, on the surface level, it’s when you find yourself going on a few dates with someone, and you don’t hear from them for days or weeks on end, only for them to pop up out of the blue with some variation of a “hey, big head” text or DM. And just why would someone do that? According to some mental health and dating experts, it’s basically an ego boost — they don’t really want to be in a relationship with you but they do want to see if they could still gain access to you if/when they feel like it.
The way this translates into being with someone who you’re not totally into is sometimes people will do a variation of this because they like the attention and just how much the person is into them. And so, while they won’t go “all in” like they would for someone who they really and truly care about, what they will do is give the individual just enough to stick around and settle for less; then, when they feel like the person might be starting to tap out, all of a sudden, they will invest some of time, effort and energy that they should’ve been giving all along.
Does it sound low-key evil? It is. A lot of folks do it, though. If you are one of them, karma is a mutha. Stop paperclipping and torturing that brotha. Let him go so that someone will enthusiastically do what you are pushing yourself to do…whenever you feel like it.
3. You Take More than You Give
Selfish people have no business in a relationship. Full stop. However, when it comes to this particular point, I’m coming from a slightly different angle than just that. When you’re really into an individual, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else says or thinks; you dig them and so you’re going to show it. Okay, but when you’re pretty much “meh” about them? That’s when you find yourself not being as proactive as you know you could be or taking as much initiative as you should be. As a direct result, if you’re really and truly honest with yourself, you end up taking more than you end up giving.
Now, this could be on a tangible or monetary level; however, it also could be when it comes to giving compliments, celebrating achievements, acknowledging special days, planning dates, or initiating conversations about the future. When you’re not totally into a guy, it’s easy to let him do, easily 75 percent of the work, when it comes to stuff like this. And because either you don’t want to admit to yourself that you’re not “totally there” with him or because you’re self-absorbed and comfortable with the benefits that you’re getting, you’ll just keep taking…and taking…and taking. Be careful with this one, though. You can burn bridges with people who catch on to you basically using them — and some of those bridges, you may need, one way or another, later down the pike.
4. You “Double Dutch” Intimacy
Because I see this far more in my female clients than my male ones, yes, I’m calling out (certain) wives, specifically, on this one. Boy, nothing boils me more than dealing with a married couple who has sexless marriage issues, only to find out that the wife married her husband for reasons that had nothing to do with being attracted to him and/or she was never really interested in having sex with him. Years (sometimes even months) in, she wants to gaslight him into thinking that he’s low-key got a sex addiction when the real truth is that she never was really into him, physically or sexually, from the jump. The outcome (which is more like a fallout)? Now sex feels more like a chore and, because she doesn’t want to be honest about that, she tries to act like it’s his fault and he needs to either move heaven and earth to get her interested or he pretty much needs to make peace with having less intimacy in his relationship. Whew, that’s some evil and nasty work (on her part).
It can’t be said enough that a huge part of what makes a romantic relationship different from all of the others is physical intimacy. Each couple is different as far as what the intimacy expectations are.
That said, though, if you’re out here rationing it out to your partner or, if when you do engage, you are trying to do all that you can to get or stay in the mood — I don’t know what you think marrying him is going to do. Ask any married couple who is willing to be real with you and they are going to tell you that marriage merely magnifies and amplifies what already exists. If you are out here Double Dutching — you know, you’re in and then…you are out — with that man, you are being so unfair. Don’t believe me, how would you feel if he was being that way to you? Yeah…my point exactly.
5. Your Time Clock Is Your Motivation
Sometimes, I’ll be asked why I stayed with my final boyfriend for as long as I did. Honestly, one of the biggest reasons is because, again, after six damn years (four being together and two still sleeping together with me not having sex with anyone else), I was afraid to start the (relationship) clock with someone else all over again. I mean, all of that time was invested; our families had bonded with the both of us; even though I wasn’t totally into him, we did have a pretty good friendship and had learned a lot about each other’s strengths, weaknesses and quirks — and although I wasn’t exactly tap-dancing at the thought of forever, I had already put in so much, shoot, everything, that I had figured out how to make us work. Why start all over? What if the risk of finding someone…more proves to not be worth it?
Y’all, I can’t tell you how many women I have heard say to me that they are going to just…be with who they are because they’re in their mid-to-late 30s, they want children and their clock is a tickin’. While I get the fear in theory (I really do), starting or continuing a relationship that is rooted in fear and/or thinking that something like marriage or kids will make your initial fears go away? I mean, you might get the last name or the child yet the feelings of settling for less won’t go away. If anything, your fear might transition into resentment and that’s not ultimately helping anyone.
So, if you’re trying to figure out if you’re totally into “him” and, as you’re reading what I’m saying, you have to admit that “I just don’t want to start all over” is a huge part of what’s keeping you around — that’s not a good enough reason to stay. You deserve to be a happy wife and mom — not just a wife and mom. Feel me?
6. It’s Harder than It Really Should Be
Let me tell it, if you’re still reading this article, that’s already a sign to end the relationship because people who don’t feel like they are settling, people who feel like they really are all in, people who adore who they are with — THEY DON’T HAVE TO WONDER. Wondering means there are some doubts and, as Benjamin Franklin once simply and yet poignantly said, “When in doubt, don’t.”
Why? Because doubt oftentimes means that there is hesitation because we are uncertain about something (or one) — and until we can get certain, at the very least, we should “press pause;” especially when it comes to something like, “Do I really care about this guy as much as I should?”
Bottom line, is even the best relationships have moments of trying times and challenges, so by no means am I saying that with the right one, the best one for you, it will be unicorns and rainbows on a daily basis. At the same time, however, what I do hope you get is when you are fully present with someone because they are who you really want to be with, relationships are a helluva lot easier — including dealing with the lows, the valleys, the ebbs, and flows of it all.
Yeah, another sign that you’re not totally into who you are with is the dynamic always feels like work — damn near like a job…because you keep pushing yourself to get to…where you aren’t.
Yes, relationships should stretch you. No, they shouldn’t be defined as being hard work most of the time. So, why do so many people say that? Because, quite frankly, a lot of them settled by choosing someone who they are not totally into. #fullcircle
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Yeah, this is definitely one of those articles that is going to keep someone out of divorce court. I can just feel it. If there is one thing that every human is deserving of, it’s being with an individual who is totally into them while they reciprocate the very same energy.
It’s not hard to know if that is the case. We’ve just got to be honest with ourselves.
Are you? Being honest with you? Please be “into you” enough to start being real. You and he both deserve it.
No matter what the outcome of the honesty is, it’s better than settling via self-convincing.
Promise you that.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
Swipe Right For Sisterhood: Reginae Carter Talks Teaming Up With BLK To Make Friendships Front & Center
You know the vibes: dating apps aren’t just for finding romance anymore—at least not for Gen Z! As young people continue to redefine connection, BLK, the leading dating app for Black singles, is shaking things up with the launch of Social Mode. The new feature allows users to toggle between dating and platonic connections. Yep, you read that right—friendship is now just as easy to find as love.
To kick off this game-changing launch, BLK teamed up with TV personality and socialite Reginae Carter for the ultimate Girls’ Night In, proving that sisterhood is just as important as romance. The exclusive event was a celebration of the new feature and the power of Black women coming together to uplift one another.
“Your circle is everything,” Reginae shares with a smile, and she’s not wrong. She’s all about creating spaces where we can come together, let our hair down, and vibe with like-minded women. “We deserve spaces to meet, uplift, and vibe with each other. BLK is making that happen,” she adds.
A New Era for Friendships—Social Mode Is Here!
Gen Z is all about building meaningful connections, whether it’s with a date or a new brunch buddy. That’s why Social Mode is such a big deal. Research shows that 65% of Gen Z values friendships just as much as romantic relationships. With BLK’s new feature, users can easily toggle between “Dating” and “Social,” opening up a world of platonic connections—no swiping right required.
Bahja Rodriguez, Reginae Carter, Breaunna Womack, Lourdes Rodriguez and Zonnique Pullins attend OMG Girlz "Make A Scene" Single Release & Video Viewing Party at Trap City Cafe on March 27, 2025 in Atlanta, Georgia
Photo by Prince Williams/WireImage
Reginae Carter Hosts the Ultimate Girls’ Night In—Powered by BLK Social Mode
What better way to show Social Mode in action than with an exclusive Girls’ Night In, hosted by Reginae? The event brought together top influencers, tastemakers, and press for a night of luxury, self-care, and real talk about love, sex, and relationships. From tarot readings to perfume-making and signature cocktails, the evening embodied the “soft life” vibe that many Black women are embracing in 2025—peaceful, intentional, and full of joy.
Guests mingled, laughed, and bonded over the importance of finding a tribe that supports you. It wasn’t just about fun (although there was plenty of that!)—it was about creating a circle of inspiring, strong women. “We need to stick together. We need to be each other’s village,” Reginae says, emphasizing the power of community over competition.
Sisterhood: The Real MVP
For Reginae, it’s all about friendship—and not just the surface-level kind. “We need friends who keep it real with us. The ones who can tell us when we’re right, when we’re wrong, and when we need to calm down,” she says. As someone who navigates the spotlight, she’s got the best of both worlds: friends who understand the grind and those who can give her an honest, grounded perspective.
Her advice for building strong, intentional friendships? “Be confident in yourself and know your worth,” she explains. “Also, hurt people hurt people, so make sure you’re coming from a good place when you’re building relationships. It’s not always about being nice—sometimes it’s about being real.”
Reginae couldn’t have summed it up better: “When you have the right circle, the right tribe, everything just feels easier. And that’s exactly what BLK is giving us—space to connect, laugh, and grow with each other.”
To learn more about BLK’s Social Mode, download or update the BLK app in the App Store or Google Play Store today. Who knows? You might just find your new bestie or your next brunch crew.
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Feature image by Prince Williams/WireImage