Hey, dog Tubi out if you want to; however, word on the street is that it’s a platform that is steadily gaining on these streaming options out here. And although I will be the first to admit that some of the options are very umm, comical (yeah, let’s go with that — and while we’re here, why do so many of our movies have to have so much nonsensical violence in them? Goodness.), there are certain sections (like their indie options) that are pretty damn good.
Take a movie that I checked out not too long ago. Although the name of it escapes me at the moment, I do have a habit of jotting down quotes that I like while watching TV (or even when I’m at the movie theater). This particular movie featured one that I happened to like a lot: "Real love is liking who you are the most around another person.” (I like it so much that I’m actually gonna shout it out in my upcoming book!)
I pondered that point while reflecting on some of my past relationships (or situationships) that inspired me to write this piece. Because, when it’s all said and done, if you’re not feeling like your best self while you’re dating someone, you’re basically settling. And if you’re settling, you’re ultimately wasting your time…and his.
Know another sign of settling? Not being as into him as you should be. The thing is, sometimes, some of us want to be in a relationship so badly or we’ve been settling in different other areas of our lives for so long that we’re not sure if we’re really into someone or if we’re just trying to make ourselves be…so that we won’t have to be alone.
If what I said just resonated with you in ways that you didn’t quite expect, let me do you an extra solid by providing six very telling signs that, even if he’s a nice guy, even if you have some things in common, even if the intimacy is “aight,” you’re actually not that into him which means, it really is time to spare you both and…move on.
1. You’re Convincing Yourself to Be into Him
GiphyTime is one thing that you can never get back. I don’t care how much you try to romanticize it by saying that you can “redeem time” or make up for lost time, in many ways, time is like sleep. What I mean by that is, when you don’t get 6-8 hours of rest for a week or so, even if you crash out for a weekend and stay in bed the entire time, it’s not going to help you to get back all of those hours that you already lost. Along these same lines, when you waste your time or something or someone, even if you can say that you learned some things from the experience, you’re still not going to be able to get that time back. Hmph. My last boyfriend took up six years of my life and although it did teach me some things about…a lot of things, I can’t do anything about losing all of those hours, days, weeks, months, and years.
That’s why it is a HUGE red flag (and yes, I am yelling it!) to me, whenever I hear someone sound like they are trying to talk themselves into getting with — or staying with — an individual. Some of my energy? Oh, I know it’s projection because that’s how I found myself in the relationship that I was just talking about. My head and heart were never fully in it — yet I told myself, “Maybe I’ll grow to be attracted,” “Maybe it’s just because he’s so not my type and I have some reprogramming to do” and “Maybe I’m just being shallow.” Chile, thing is, until I could get answers for myself when it comes to all of that maybe-ing that I was doing, I really should have not agreed to commit.
Y’all, I can’t tell you how many couples I have worked with where one — sometimes even both — of them has admitted that they convinced themselves to try and feel something for their partner that wasn’t really there (check out “What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?”). Because of that, they would nitpick issues in the relationship, create problems that didn’t really exist, and actually find ways to make their partner so miserable that they could justify calling it quits. SMDH. This is one of the main reasons why I can’t tell you how many times I have said to folks who are dating who aren’t very happy, “It is so much better to break up than to divorce” — and it all the way is.
So, straight up, if you are out here having conversations with yourself in the tone of “I mean, it’s not that bad” — you are convincing yourself to remain, and, sooner or later, it’s going to turn into an avalanche of either a lot of problems or a ton of regret. I can almost guarantee it.
2. You’ve Got a “Paperclipping” Spirit
GiphyGeeze. At this point, exactly how many dating terms are there out here? Anyway, one that applies to this article is known as “paperclipping.” And just what is that? Well, on the surface level, it’s when you find yourself going on a few dates with someone, and you don’t hear from them for days or weeks on end, only for them to pop up out of the blue with some variation of a “hey, big head” text or DM. And just why would someone do that? According to some mental health and dating experts, it’s basically an ego boost — they don’t really want to be in a relationship with you but they do want to see if they could still gain access to you if/when they feel like it.
The way this translates into being with someone who you’re not totally into is sometimes people will do a variation of this because they like the attention and just how much the person is into them. And so, while they won’t go “all in” like they would for someone who they really and truly care about, what they will do is give the individual just enough to stick around and settle for less; then, when they feel like the person might be starting to tap out, all of a sudden, they will invest some of time, effort and energy that they should’ve been giving all along.
Does it sound low-key evil? It is. A lot of folks do it, though. If you are one of them, karma is a mutha. Stop paperclipping and torturing that brotha. Let him go so that someone will enthusiastically do what you are pushing yourself to do…whenever you feel like it.
3. You Take More than You Give
GiphySelfish people have no business in a relationship. Full stop. However, when it comes to this particular point, I’m coming from a slightly different angle than just that. When you’re really into an individual, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else says or thinks; you dig them and so you’re going to show it. Okay, but when you’re pretty much “meh” about them? That’s when you find yourself not being as proactive as you know you could be or taking as much initiative as you should be. As a direct result, if you’re really and truly honest with yourself, you end up taking more than you end up giving.
Now, this could be on a tangible or monetary level; however, it also could be when it comes to giving compliments, celebrating achievements, acknowledging special days, planning dates, or initiating conversations about the future. When you’re not totally into a guy, it’s easy to let him do, easily 75 percent of the work, when it comes to stuff like this. And because either you don’t want to admit to yourself that you’re not “totally there” with him or because you’re self-absorbed and comfortable with the benefits that you’re getting, you’ll just keep taking…and taking…and taking. Be careful with this one, though. You can burn bridges with people who catch on to you basically using them — and some of those bridges, you may need, one way or another, later down the pike.
4. You “Double Dutch” Intimacy
GiphyBecause I see this far more in my female clients than my male ones, yes, I’m calling out (certain) wives, specifically, on this one. Boy, nothing boils me more than dealing with a married couple who has sexless marriage issues, only to find out that the wife married her husband for reasons that had nothing to do with being attracted to him and/or she was never really interested in having sex with him. Years (sometimes even months) in, she wants to gaslight him into thinking that he’s low-key got a sex addiction when the real truth is that she never was really into him, physically or sexually, from the jump. The outcome (which is more like a fallout)? Now sex feels more like a chore and, because she doesn’t want to be honest about that, she tries to act like it’s his fault and he needs to either move heaven and earth to get her interested or he pretty much needs to make peace with having less intimacy in his relationship. Whew, that’s some evil and nasty work (on her part).
It can’t be said enough that a huge part of what makes a romantic relationship different from all of the others is physical intimacy. Each couple is different as far as what the intimacy expectations are.
That said, though, if you’re out here rationing it out to your partner or, if when you do engage, you are trying to do all that you can to get or stay in the mood — I don’t know what you think marrying him is going to do. Ask any married couple who is willing to be real with you and they are going to tell you that marriage merely magnifies and amplifies what already exists. If you are out here Double Dutching — you know, you’re in and then…you are out — with that man, you are being so unfair. Don’t believe me, how would you feel if he was being that way to you? Yeah…my point exactly.
5. Your Time Clock Is Your Motivation
GiphySometimes, I’ll be asked why I stayed with my final boyfriend for as long as I did. Honestly, one of the biggest reasons is because, again, after six damn years (four being together and two still sleeping together with me not having sex with anyone else), I was afraid to start the (relationship) clock with someone else all over again. I mean, all of that time was invested; our families had bonded with the both of us; even though I wasn’t totally into him, we did have a pretty good friendship and had learned a lot about each other’s strengths, weaknesses and quirks — and although I wasn’t exactly tap-dancing at the thought of forever, I had already put in so much, shoot, everything, that I had figured out how to make us work. Why start all over? What if the risk of finding someone…more proves to not be worth it?
Y’all, I can’t tell you how many women I have heard say to me that they are going to just…be with who they are because they’re in their mid-to-late 30s, they want children and their clock is a tickin’. While I get the fear in theory (I really do), starting or continuing a relationship that is rooted in fear and/or thinking that something like marriage or kids will make your initial fears go away? I mean, you might get the last name or the child yet the feelings of settling for less won’t go away. If anything, your fear might transition into resentment and that’s not ultimately helping anyone.
So, if you’re trying to figure out if you’re totally into “him” and, as you’re reading what I’m saying, you have to admit that “I just don’t want to start all over” is a huge part of what’s keeping you around — that’s not a good enough reason to stay. You deserve to be a happy wife and mom — not just a wife and mom. Feel me?
6. It’s Harder than It Really Should Be
GiphyLet me tell it, if you’re still reading this article, that’s already a sign to end the relationship because people who don’t feel like they are settling, people who feel like they really are all in, people who adore who they are with — THEY DON’T HAVE TO WONDER. Wondering means there are some doubts and, as Benjamin Franklin once simply and yet poignantly said, “When in doubt, don’t.”
Why? Because doubt oftentimes means that there is hesitation because we are uncertain about something (or one) — and until we can get certain, at the very least, we should “press pause;” especially when it comes to something like, “Do I really care about this guy as much as I should?”
Bottom line, is even the best relationships have moments of trying times and challenges, so by no means am I saying that with the right one, the best one for you, it will be unicorns and rainbows on a daily basis. At the same time, however, what I do hope you get is when you are fully present with someone because they are who you really want to be with, relationships are a helluva lot easier — including dealing with the lows, the valleys, the ebbs, and flows of it all.
Yeah, another sign that you’re not totally into who you are with is the dynamic always feels like work — damn near like a job…because you keep pushing yourself to get to…where you aren’t.
Yes, relationships should stretch you. No, they shouldn’t be defined as being hard work most of the time. So, why do so many people say that? Because, quite frankly, a lot of them settled by choosing someone who they are not totally into. #fullcircle
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Yeah, this is definitely one of those articles that is going to keep someone out of divorce court. I can just feel it. If there is one thing that every human is deserving of, it’s being with an individual who is totally into them while they reciprocate the very same energy.
It’s not hard to know if that is the case. We’ve just got to be honest with ourselves.
Are you? Being honest with you? Please be “into you” enough to start being real. You and he both deserve it.
No matter what the outcome of the honesty is, it’s better than settling via self-convincing.
Promise you that.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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