6 Signs That Reveal You're Not Compatible Enough To Move Forward With Him

1. You Don’t Respect Each Other’s Purpose

I grew up in an entertainment industry household. I also got my start as a professional writer in the entertainment industry. And so, it’s just kind of played out that around sixty percent of my friendships consist of people who make a living in that space. Building on this, it’s also fairly common for me to either counsel someone through or hear about an individual who is going through relationship issues and it’s all because the person they are seeing doesn’t respect what they do in the field.

It might be because they don’t really understand it (like it’s common for folks to think that entertainment industry people just “party all of the time” when networking is just that — WORK). It might be because they can’t get with the financial “feast or famine” seasons that tend to come with the gig. It might be that they are dismissive of the sacrifices that are required, or they don’t see those sacrifices as being connected to “real work.”

Whatever the case may be, marrying someone who has these kinds of attitudes about your passion is going to be frustrating, to say the least, even on the best day.

And y’all, this applies across the board. If you know what your purpose in life is, you can’t ever abandon it because, again, by definition, that’s what you were put on this planet to do. And this means that whoever you decide to “do life” with, they need to respect your purpose/calling/craft so much that they are all for helping you to flourish in it instead of being a hindrance within it. That said, if you’re seeing someone right now and you’re already noticing signs that being a solid support system for you isn’t the case (or that you aren’t being that for him) — please don’t ignore that. Purpose doesn’t just “go away;” it’s a part of your very being.

Besides, even if you do find a way to get him to put his purpose aside for the sake of making more money or keeping the peace in y’all’s relationship, all that’s going to do is lead to him deeply resenting you on some level (whether it’s immediately or eventually)…and that will still leave you miserable in the long run.

A purpose supporter — and even better, someone who has talents, skills and a personality that actually complement one’s purpose — that should be a non-negotiable. Period.

2. You Don’t Embrace One Another’s Individuality

I don’t know why so many people try to turn their relationship into their own personal science project. Wait, yes I do — it’s because many folks out here are complete control freaks, sometimes without even noticing or realizing it. An example of this is when you are dating someone and yet, it seems like at least 40 percent of the time, you are trying to change who they are: you want them to look different, think different, have different hobbies, see the world in a different way, prioritize things differently — at the end of the day, what you really want is a Build-A-Bear, not the man himself.

And you know what? Not only is this highly manipulative (not to mention completely draining), it is also causing you to not be an emotionally safe person to be around. I say that because, as I mentioned in the article, “The Right Relationship IMPROVES Not CHANGES You”, although the right relationship should refine you, mature you and cause you to become a better version of yourself, what it shouldn’t do is cause you to become a completely different person altogether.

I know people in relationships who try to pressure their partner to change their career, their faith, their style, their friendships, how they spend their leisure time — you name it. And in my mind (and sometimes even out of my mouth), I’m like, “If you’re trying to turn them into someone else, why are you even with them at all?”

Personally, I think this irks me so much because, for instance, while I’ve dated guys who have tried to change how I dress, I’ve also dated ones who find my approach to fashion to be completely dope. Guess which ones were a breath of fresh air to be around? Sure, the latter would sometimes give me things to accentuate my look; however, they never tried to shift my style into something else.

I believe I’ve shared before that when I used to have a blog where married people shared their favorite things about their spouse, one husband said (about a woman who didn’t have a Coke bottle figure, by the way), “I love that when God created her, he had me in mind.” THAT, that right there, is what it means to be with someone who embraces your individuality. And a person who does that, they are displaying a huge example of what it means to be with someone who is compatible with you.

3. Your Value Systems Are Completely Different

I’ll tell you what — sometimes I will listen to married couples and when I see that there is such a shaky foundation that they are trying to build upon, I ask them if they went to premarital counseling. If they say “yes,” I immediately want to sue the people who they spoke with my damn self because, clearly, they sucked at their job. Listen, I don’t care how fine someone is, how much chemistry exists between the two of you or how much they make you climb the walls in the bedroom, if you want something to truly go the distance, you need to make sure that your value systems are aligned.

A good example of this is, I have a friend right now who is, let’s go with the word “unraveling” from someone because, although everything that I just said is the case between her and this particular guy, they don’t see religion or family dynamics the same way and he’s not the most encouraging when it comes to her career either. And so, while it’s been fun for them to date, whenever they talk about actually settling down and doing life together, they realize that things are far more complex. It’s because their value systems are not the same.

And listen, although things like trust, respect and loyalty are examples of values that two people should share in their relational dynamic, it’s also important to discuss if you both — want to get married (or not); have kids (or not); have similar goals and aspirations; have traditional role expectations in your relationship (or not); see spirituality/religion from the same perspective; prioritize health and finances in the same way; have similar boundaries when it comes to dealing with family members and friends…heck, even do holidays in the same way (you’d be amazed how something that small can ultimately turn into something very big).

Recently, I was talking to a client who said that, although she is a diehard Christian, the man she is seeing is basically agnostic. Meanwhile, she is so into him that she refuses to acknowledge how potentially problematic that is; especially since they want children one day. Geeze, just imagine how much easier it would have been for her to prioritize her value system if she had discussed these types of things on date 4 or 5 instead of waiting until she’s two years into her relationship.

Remember that to be compatible is to be like-minded. Figuring out what you are and aren’t like-minded about, as soon as possible, is a wise thing to do. No wiggle room on that.

4. You Don’t Prioritize (or Even See) Intimacy the Same Way

Sexual incompatibility is a very real thing (check out “6 Tips For Dealing With A Sexually Incompatible Spouse”) and, sadly, it’s something that many people think that they can just shrug off or ignore. NOPE. That said, something else that can’t be said enough? If we’re going to be real, one of the main things that makes a romantic relationship different from all of the others is sexual intimacy — and so yes, you need to be super compatible in this area too.

And this means that you both need to be open and honest about:

• If you have similar sex drives and, if not, how you plan to manage that
• If you are willing to meet each other’s sexual needs
• If you see the purpose of sexual intimacy in a similar fashion
• Each other’s sexual wants and fantasies (which are different from needs) to see if you are open to exploring them as a couple
• How you feel about oral sex, morning sex, maintenance sex, make-up sex and dirty talk (you’d be amazed how much these come up in sessions)
• How often you want sex — and where you are willing to compromise when it comes to it
• What your beliefs are concerning sex (from a religious and relational standpoint)
• If there are deal-breakers when it comes to sex — and if so, what are they?
• If there are sexual hang-ups (or trauma) that have been oppressed that need to be addressed
• How important sex is to you both — and are you both committed to prioritizing it as such

Back when I was walking a journey with a guy, he said something that I found to be quite interesting. He admitted that because he had never seen a professional for some childhood sexual trauma that he had experienced as a child, he found my openness about sex to be somewhat uncomfortable for him. Not because he thought it was wrong — it was more like, since sex wasn’t as important to him as it was to me, he didn’t think we would be compatible in that way.

And listen, we never even kissed and yet, he was exactly right. If just how I talk about sex “caused him for pause,” we definitely were gonna have issues once it was time to actually do what I was articulating.

It is my personal opinion that so many people are so selfish-minded when they come to sex that, when they get into a relationship where another person’s intimacy needs come into play, sometimes they don’t know how to handle them (or they try to make their partner feel guilty for seeing sex differently than they do). That’s gaslighting as well because, if you expect someone to be with you only, this means that you need to be open to compromise when it comes to what they need, sexually, in order to be exclusive (if dating) or monogamous (if married) with them.

5. You Can’t Totally Be Your TOTAL Self with Each Other

Wanna know one of the main things that couples (and I’m gonna be real, it’s mostly men) bring up to me when it comes to why they aren’t feeling fulfilled in their relationship? It’s because they are tired of constantly having to walk on eggshells or feeling like they have to hide their authentic selves from their partner. Yeah, if you’re creating this type of atmosphere with your partner (or they are doing it towards you), this is actually a form of abuse: psychological abuse, to be exact.

That reminds me: a movie that I recently watched that addresses this oh so very well is currently on — yep, you guessed it — Tubi. It’s called Alice, Darling and to watch the main character damn near give herself a nervous breakdown (while almost ruining two of her closest friendships), all because her partner was trying to make her be exactly what he wanted instead of being the safe space for her to be her truest self? You almost felt like she was pulling out your own hair at the roots while she was tearing out her own as a way to deal with the anxiety that came with it all.

While doing a podcast interview not too long ago, someone asked me why I sometimes still talk about my fiancé, who died 30 years ago this fall, like it just happened yesterday. Hmph. You can read what I penned about my mother recently passing and even ask my friends how I process death, in general, to get that it’s not that I don’t face grief head-on or that I’m in denial about how the transition of death impacts us all. It’s mostly because he was my first experience of really being, not just loved for who I was — flaws and all — but celebrated too.

Yes, he challenged me. Yes, he held me accountable. No, he didn’t coddle my nonsense. Oh, but when I tell you that he basically threw emotional pep rallies for me, on a consistent basis, so that I could feel like it was totally okay to be just who I was without any editing or subtext in his actions towards me? He was masterful at that.

6. You Don’t BALANCE Each Other Out

Definitely, one of my favorite quotes is, "If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary." A competitive car driver by the name of Larry Dixon is credited with saying it and he’s right. And that’s why I’m all about promoting that masculinity and femininity aren’t supposed to be the same (ego says otherwise) — they are actually supposed to come together to work in harmony (which, remember, is another definition of compatibility) in order to cultivate balance, so that both people can flourish.

Balance. Balance means you’re not on an emotional roller coaster with each other half of the time. Balance means that you accept that your differences can make you both better people. Balance means that, more times than not, your relationship is not experiencing extreme highs or lows — that you two are more about doing what makes you both feel even, comfortable and content.

Balance means that you both honor each other, respect each other, support each other, nurture each other and make time for one another, so that there is reciprocity in your dynamic. Balance is where maturity dwells.

And so, yes, I am going to round out this article by encouraging you to really ponder if there is balance in your relationship with your guy. Because if things feel “off balance,” something is definitely awry — and if you don’t address it, it typically will only get worse over time. Several of my clients can certainly vouch for that.

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I once read a quote that said, “While intense chemistry can be an exciting and powerful feeling, it is important to recognize that it does not always indicate compatibility.” I haven’t found the author of this saying yet, when it comes to today’s topic, truer words cannot be spoken.

In a world — and life — that comes with so much uncertainty, if there is one place where you should feel safe and secure, it’s your relationship…and something that is a foundational tool to make that a reality for you is compatibility.

Wanna have peace in your relational dynamic? Make sure the two of you are compatible.

It’s a super wise and hella proactive thing to do.

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