

Sometimes, when I choose to peek into the world of social media to see what's happening, I'll put in keywords. Whenever I put in "Black women" or "Black men" into Twitter, I always find at least five talking points that are super interesting. Today was no exception. I'm assuming that, at least at the moment, Big Sean and Jhené Aiko are quarantining apart (or at least "social distancing" in separate rooms) and so, they are connecting with each other via going live.
Now let me sidebar this by saying that, aside from being a sex and relationships writer, a part of what made me click on the volume to see what was up is because, more and more, I appreciate Big Sean. Yeah, he's a pretty dope artist but, as I've intentionally checked out some of his latest interviews (for instance, the Hot Ones that he did not too long ago), I dig the current space that he's in as a person. He seems to be quite gracious, ever-evolving and willing to learn. So yeah, I wanted to see what he and Jhené had to share. They didn't disappoint.
Because I pulled the clip from someone's Twitter feed, I didn't catch all of the discussion. Apparently, what Big Sean asked Jhené was would she be willing to compete for his love. Uh-huh. Again, because I've been checking out his head space more and more, I knew he couldn't possibly be serious (at least I hope not). He did laugh after asking. Anyway, it was her "Whaaat?" followed by "Hell no" that piqued my interest further. Anyway, her ultimate resolve is what inspired me to hit up Sheriden (our managing editor) and be like, "Can I please write something on this today?" Verbatim, this was Jhené's response.
"I ain't competing for nothing, OK?...I don't 'compete', I complete."
Annnnd…we're off.
What It Means to Compete for Someone
I ain't gonna lie. I used to be the kind of woman who would compete for a man. Now, before you get all uppity and profess that you would never do such a thing, let me provide a quick rundown of what competing actually looks like. If you're a side chick, on some level, you are competing. If you know exactly what you want out of a relationship, but you will stay with someone who desires something totally different, hoping they will change their mind, on some level, you are competing. If "he's" seeing lots of other women when you want an exclusive relationship, on some level, you are competing. If he lives in the valley of indecision (which IS a decision), on some level, you are competing. If you are convincing yourself to stay in a relationship that you aren't fully satisfied in, on some level, you are competing.
Competing with what? Sometimes, it's other women. Sometimes, it's time. Sometimes, it's a man's ego. Sometimes, it's with your own conscience and higher sense of self. The reason why I say this is because to compete is to strive to outdo, to put yourself in a contest, or to vie (which is to rival with someone or something else). And strive? Strive is a hard word, y'all. It means "to struggle vigorously, as in opposition or resistance". And resistance? To resist is to oppose.
Now, let's put all of this together, shall we? Say that you're really feeling a dude. He's not on the same page as you are, but he gives you enough attention or affirmations to let you know that he is interested. It could be in the form of communication. You might even go on dates together and have sex. But you're still not getting all that you want and, more importantly, need. Yet…you stay. For weeks…months, maybe even years. The "feeling him" turns into love, but he's still not really doing much more than he ever did.
Meanwhile, you tell yourself that if you just do more, he'll change his mind; that's called striving. Yet it seems like the more that you do, give, love, the less results you're getting; that's because he's resisting. So yeah, ultimately, whether it's because of other women, time, his ego or you're struggling with your own conscience and higher sense of self, you are competing for him. This is what Jhené has declared that she absolutely will not do. Good for her. None of us should.
So, why do we do it? Chile, there's not nearly enough time or space to get into all of that right now. What I will say is some of it is because we live in a competitive world. Because of that, sometimes competition is a good thing. For instance, the article "Why Competition Is Good" (on Entrepreneur's site) shares that professional competition can validate us, sharpen our skills and, can even teach us how to effectively collaborate with others. I get that. Cool. But when it comes to matters of the heart, none of these lessons are really necessary. You shouldn't feel like since you "won a man over" that he was worth having. A romantic relationship's main focus shouldn't be about "sharpening any skills". Also, when you are seeing someone, the only one you should be "collaborating with" is them. Not some other chick. Not their other list of priorities. Nothing but them.
It took me years and years and years to realize this. For example, I didn't realize just how over my first love I finally was until we met for dinner this past December and he told me in one breath that he has always pondered us making up for the child that we lost (my first abortion was his child) and, in the same conversation, turned around and said that he was going to try and make it work with who he has always considered to be the second love of his life (and the mother of his living children). What was he doing? Emotionally, he was setting me up to do what he had done over the years between me and this woman—make us want to compete.
I stayed for dinner; he was paying. But I was good on talking further. There was always gonna be love for him (first loves tend to roll like that) but compete, my ninja? Absolutely not. I will strive for a professional gig. I will strive to pay my bills on time.
I ain't striving for no man's love. Love is a gift; it should be offered voluntarily, not be some "prize" after a competition.
So yes, Ms. Jhené, now more than ever, I feel you on the "ain't competing" tip. But remember, that's not all that she said.
What It Means to Complete Someone
I don't compete; I complete. Some people hate the whole "you complete me" thing. I'll admit that if we're referring to the Jerry Maguire movie line—that gives me cause for pause and a side-eye too. To me, that implies that we're not whole without someone else and, to me, that kind of mentality is a recipe for complete disillusionment and utter relational disaster. At the same time, I do adore the Hebrew language (mostly because Christ was a Jew and spoke fluent Hebrew). And so yes, I am totally down with the word "bashert" which loosely translates into being someone's "meant to be" or "destiny". Yet, even then, I try to look well beyond the Disney or chick flick interpretation of those words.
Let's take the word "destiny", for example. One of my favorite definitions for it is "the power or agency that determines the course of events". A part of the reason why we must choose very wisely who we join our lives with is because their influence has the power to create a course of events—good or bad. That's a part of the reason why I wrote the article, "If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life".
If you are looking at someone being your destiny from a mature and well-balanced perspective, they are someone who will inspire and motivate you to live your absolute best life. And in that way, they help to complete you because completion is all about "having all the required or customary characteristics, skills, or the like" to bring about the kind of results that you want.
To me, this is why seasons of singleness are so important. How can you truly know who can support you in accomplishing what you want if you have no clue what you desire in the first place—or worse, if all that you desire is to be with someone? Hmph. I can't tell you how many wives I have counseled who are utterly miserable because their main goal in life was to get a man. Now that they have one, they don't know what else to do with their life—or with their husband. SMDH.
That's why I found all of what Jhené said to be on point. What she basically articulated is, she doesn't strive for a man to want her. She knows that, relationally, she's here to complement someone—and when you truly do "fit" another person's world in that way, competing isn't necessary. There is an ease, a peace, a "gelling" that just…happens. And works. Mutually so.
Oh, there are two other things that I liked in the part of the live that I saw. I dug the acronyms for "love" and "life" that Big Sean and Jhené seem to live by. Love is Living On Valued Energy. Life is Love In Full Effect. Amen and indeed.
I don't know where you currently are, when it comes to your own journey towards your bashert, but please let the soundbite from that live stay with you. You, sis, are too beautiful, valuable and special to compete for anyone. Sit back and let life reveal who you complete—and who completes you.
Thanks for the reminder, Jhené. That was some really good ish right there, girl. For real, for real.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Jhene Aiko Says The Status Of Her Relationship With Big Sean Is 'None Of Your Concern'
The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have
Featured image by Joe Seer / Shutterstock.com
'Sistas' Star Skyh Black On The Power Of Hypnotherapy & Emotional Vulnerability For Men
In this insightful episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Sistas star Skyh Black, as he opened up about his journey of emotional growth, resilience, and self-discovery. The episode touches on emotional availability, self-worth, masculinity, and the importance of therapy in overcoming personal struggles.
Skyh Black on Emotional Availability & Love
On Emotional Availability & Vulnerability
“My wife and I wouldn't be where we are today if both of us weren't emotionally available,” he shared about his wife and Sistas co-star KJ Smith, highlighting the value of vulnerability and emotional openness in a relationship. His approach to masculinity stands in contrast to the traditional, stoic ideals. Skyh is not afraid to embrace softness as part of his emotional expression.
On Overcoming Self-Doubt & Worthiness Issues
Skyh reflected on the self-doubt and worthiness issues that he struggled with, especially early in his career. He opens up about his time in Los Angeles, living what he calls the “LA struggle story”—in a one-bedroom with three roommates—and being homeless three times over the span of 16 years. “I always had this self-sabotaging thought process,” Skyh said. “For me, I feel therapy is essential, period. I have a regular therapist and I go to a hypnotherapist.”
How Therapy Helped Him Heal From Self-Doubt
On Hypnotherapy & Empowering Self-Acceptance
Skyh’s journey is a testament to the power of tapping into self-development despite life’s struggles and being open to growth. “I had to submit to the fact that God was doing good in my life, and that I'm worthy of it. I had a worthiness issue and I did not realize that. So, that’s what the hypnotherapy did. It brought me back to the core. What is wrong so that I can fix it?”
Watch the full podcast episode below:
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Women Are (Still) Spelling 'Coconut' With Their Hips. And Guys Are Losing Their Damn Minds.
While prepping for a podcast interview a while back, because I received the questions beforehand, I did a bit of research into one of the inquiries: what are men’s current favorite sex positions? I doubt any of you are shocked by the fact that what continued to pop up (like here, here, and here) was doggy style and the cowgirl position (i.e., when a woman is on top).
When it comes to ridin’, specifically, that got me to thinking about something that was all over the internet a few years ago: women who were advising that you spell “coconut” with your hips, during sex, in order for you and your partner to receive maximum pleasure and satisfaction.
When I asked a few women I know if they ever tried that before, I was surprised to discover that not only had they, but many didn’t treat it as some random social media fad — they actually still do it to this day. Partly, because it’s fun to them and partly because their partner(s) seem to go crazy for it.
Listen, any time something sexual works like a charm, I’m going to shout it out — (late) trend or not. And so, if you’ve never heard of the whole coconut thing, you tried it and forgot all about it, or you just want to try something new/different/else tonight — here’s a reminder, in article form, that coconut-ting is still alive and well, y’all. And the men are all about it!
But First, The Grapefruit Technique
Video Credit: Myem/YouTube (Funny part starts at 2:40)
If this woman is not familiar to you on sight, you ain’t a real one. LOL. Although I know that a lot of people think that the concept of grapefruiting came from the movie Girls Trip (you can see the clip from the film here) that absolutely is not the case. Auntie Angel (whose real name is reportedly Denise Walker) is the creator of the Grapefruit Technique and although I thought that this video came out way earlier, apparently it made its way onto the YouTube streets sometime back in 2014.
If for some reason, you’re not familiar with grapefruiting on any level, I will tell you right now that I had to download this video because it is absolutely NSFW — so you should probably watch it on your lunch break (on your phone with the volume as low as possible) or at home…because chile, the sound effects? Whew, the sound effects. LOL. However, when I sat down to pen this piece, I thought it was hilarious that this video is what immediately came to mind because it seems like, when it comes to “blow his mind sex hacks,” fruit is constantly on the menu.
When it comes to oral sex, it’s grapefruit.
When it comes to ride ‘em cowgirl, it’s a coconut.
What Is the “Coconut” Sex Trend?
@windy_moraba #duet with @mysteri0us.gir1 spell coconut with your waist 😂😂😂
Okay, so what in the world does a coconut have to do with intercourse? Well, for starters, if you and your partner are looking for an all-natural lubricant, coconut oil works well. HOWEVER, do keep in mind that the disclaimer on this is you shouldn’t use it if condoms are in the mix because they can actually cause rubbers to be less effective (silicone lube is a solid bet for condoms, by the way).
There is another way that coconuts are kinda-sorta incorporated when it comes to making sex more pleasurable — and it actually became pretty popular right after COVID lockdown (2021): spelling C-O-C-O-N-U-T with your hips while you’re on top of your partner.
It’s wild how I forgot all about this until a client of mine was telling me how much her husband liked her on top while it wasn’t her favorite thing to do because it felt awkward to her. When I said, “Have you ever heard of spelling ‘coconut’ with your hips before?” — at first, she looked at me like I was crazy and then she busted out laughing: “Girl, no” was her reply.
Hmph. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it because, as wild as it might sound on the surface, the word isn’t the point so much as the movements that come with spelling it out are.
When you’re moving your pelvis around to make a “c,” “o” or U-turn, not only does it intensify the level of sensation that both you and your partner feel during intercourse, it can also increase the level of blood circulation to both of your genitalia which can make your orgasms more satisfying too.
At the end of the day, spelling “coconut” is simply reminding you that there are more options to riding than simply sitting there while your partner pumps for all he’s worth or you humping up and down like you’re on a pogo stick.
Spelling “coconut” is an easy hack to bring some variety into cowgirling. However…
Honestly, the “Fruit” Isn’t the Point. THIS IS.
From grapefruiting and spelling “coconut” to reading articles that I’ve penned for the platform like “How To Improve The Taste Of Sperm” — fruit and sex are always going to be a winning combination, one way or another. However, the main point of this article isn’t about making sure that you are a master speller so much as providing you with tips that will make the cowgirl position something that you are confident about and you find a ton of fulfillment in doing.
You can make both of these things happen by incorporating the following things:
Stretch beforehand. A charley horse during sex is the worst thing ever — and chile, don’t let it be right before you’re about to climax. SMDH. Yeah, if you want to feel more comfortable when you’re on top, make sure that you stretch beforehand and that you are well-hydrated. That will reduce the chances of experiencing a totally-out-of-nowhere muscle spasm — whether you decide to “spell” during sex or…not.
Bring pillows into the mix. Sometimes riding is a challenge because your partner feels farther away from your body than you would like. Putting a pillow underneath him can help to elevate his pelvis, so that you don’t feel like you’re stretching and straining. Speaking of pillows, a longer one can really come in handy because it can give your knees some additional support as well.
Also, ask him to put his knees up. Speaking of making the “grind” easier for you, ask your partner to put his knees up. That way, your back can recline on his legs as you’re moving your hips around. You’d be amazed how much this one hack can do for you. Straight up.
Add lube. When you get a chance, check out “The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant” and you will automatically see why bringing lubrication into a cowgirl session is an absolute must. It reduces friction. It makes your movements glide with ease. And it’s just more fun. Promise you that.
Lean in. If your partner happens to be on the larger side of life, one way that you can control his depth is by leaning forward into him. That way, your hips can better control how much or little he is inside of you, so that you can get into a position that gives you the sensation that you are looking for.
Get him to multitask. Again, whether you are spelling “coconut” or not and whether you are riding cowgirl or reverse cowgirl — something that is awesome about being on top is it frees your partner’s hands to do, umm, other things. And since it is so much easier to have an orgasm while your clitoris is being stimulated, get your partner to put some of the lube that we discussed earlier on his fingertips, so that he can gently rub on your clitoris while you are riding him. It doesn’t get much better than that!
Don’t wanna spell? Hula Hoop then. What if you try the whole coconut thing and it’s not a favorite for you (or him)? No problem — when’s the last time that you hula hooped? Pretend that you have one of those around your hips and move around that way. I’d be shocked if you ended up feeling “meh” about that option.
5 Guys Tell Me What They Love When Their Partner Is on Top
A part of the reason why I am “team cowgirl” is because it provides a lot of benefits to the woman: she has more control, it tends to be more comfortable for her, it’s a great position for a quickie and the orgasms tend to be that much more — wonderful. However, as I was thinking about spelling coconut, in general, I couldn’t help but wonder what guys thought about it and the cowgirl position overall.
If you’re curious, here’s what five of ‘em said.
1. Braxford. Engaged. 35. “Y’all be spelling up there? Who knew? My favorite thing about when my fiancée is on top is what I think every man likes: the view. It’s a chance to see her entire body and experience it at the same time. Not even doggy style accomplishes that. Damn, where’s my lady at?”
2. Denez. Single. 42. “Do you know how many ‘spots’ you have access to when y’all are on top? Breasts are in my mouth. Hickeys are on her neck. Prop my head up on a pillow and her tummy is getting licked. When a woman is riding you, it’s sensory overload! It’s crazy how each one looks amazing in that position too.”
3. Omar. In a Serious Relationship. 29. “[He said her name yet I’m not going to share it] isn’t a very vocal lover. Her body and technique are insane, so even though I love dirty talk, I’ve learned to compromise — except when she’s on top. She’s not saying much but those moans? And yeah, we tried the coconut thing. ‘Cs’ and ‘Os,’ hell yeah. ‘Ns’ and “Ts’? Nah.”
4. Nolen. Single. 45. “45 isn’t old but it’s old enough for your back to show out on you when you least expect it. My experience has been that women don’t want a lot of thrusting when they are on top, so it’s like having some of the best sex without having to do much at all. Well, aside from trying not to bust too quickly. I take that back: riding is easy on the body; it’s work on the brain.”
5. Ivan. Married. 37. “I like the spelling sh-t because it switches things up. We make a game out of it by her picking a word and spelling out while I try and guess what it is. We also try to see how many words that we can get to before one of us cums. 12 words is pushing it unless it’s like ‘dog’ or ‘cat’ or something. I’ve guessed ‘coconut’ a few times and I get what the excitement is all about. Spelling bee sex: try it.”
Yep. I concur.
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