Why I Use The Word 'Monogamous' In Marriage And 'Exclusive' In Dating

Monogamous. Explained.

If someone were to ask you to define the word “monogamous” what would you say?

If it’s something along the lines of being in a one-on-one relationship, I get why that would be the case. People have been using monogamous in that context for so long at this point that I doubt most even get that the word originally meant “the practice of marrying only once in a lifetime.” In fact, certain researchers say that the word monogamous comes from the Greek one monógamos which means “marrying only once” because mono means “single” or “one” and gamy means “marriage” (hence polygamous originally meaning being married to more than one person at a time).

So y’all, if you really take all of this in, I’m hoping that you caught two things: First, monogamous is a word that was designed to be used for marriage dynamics ONLY, and second, the actual original definition didn’t even make room for people who divorce and then marry a different person.

Nope, if you are traditionally monogamous, you get married to one person and remain with that individual for the rest of your life — which yes, that means that very few people are truly and authentically…monogamous.

So, how did we get so far away from this to the point where folks who are merely dating will say that they are in a monogamous relationship?

I’d venture to say that, for one thing, over time, the sacredness of marriage and marriage vows have been lost. Perhaps now, more than ever, people are comfortable with promising to stay with someone until death parts them, only to leave and then say the exact same thing to someone else (which actually only increases the chances of divorcing again according to many cited findings). Why?

Well, some experts on the topic say that it’s because folks, more than ever, seem to “fall out of love” (I can’t stand that saying, by the way; it removes the personal accountability that comes with choosing who you love and how you act once you make the decision) with marriage about as much as they do with the person who they married.

Case in point, where it currently stands, some data says that 41 percent of first-time marriages will end in divorce and 66 percent of women are the ones who initiate it. And while there are literally dozens of things that could cause people to “fall out,” as it relates to the topic that we’re discussing today, I want to pose a very specific one: the misuse and/or abuse of the word “monogamous.”

I believe I’ve shared before (probably more than once at this point) that I once had a friend who was really on the edge of separating from his spouse. They were about seven years into their marriage at the time (she was a woman who ultimately ended with a shut up ring, by the way, whether she realizes it/wants to accept it or not) and he simply wasn’t happy.

As he was going into some of the reasons why, I said, “You sound like you’re bored” to which he barely hesitated before replying, “I’ve been married since I was 14.” What did he mean by that?

Well, because so many people, in my opinion, date like they are married, a lot of them end up not really valuing marriage — not at the level that marriage truly deserves, anyway. Since they’ve been in the habit of falling in love (Albert Einstein once said, “Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love;” some of y’all will catch that later), saying that they are monogamous with someone, falling out of love and then “rinsing and repeating” multiple times with other individuals — it has literally “programmed” them to see monogamy with a “fall in and then fall out” perspective.

Another way to look at it: as I oftentimes say, the way that this culture chooses to date, actually teaches people how to divorce NOT marry — and misusing the word “monogamous,” in my opinion, plays a huge role in that. I mean, if you’re dating and you say you’re monogamous with someone, what makes being married and saying the same thing really any different? What gives the word any higher value?

And that is why I’m actually rocking with the rabbi here. It will never cease to amaze me how society is forever trying to act like the act of sex (including who you choose to participate in the act with) is no big deal — oh, but get a boyfriend and find out that he had sex with someone other than you and now all hell breaks loose. If sex is “no biggie” before dating, why are you acting like infidelity happened during dating? Why are you treating him like he’s basically your husband when he absolutely is not?

And if you want him to be, why are the two of you not putting plans into place to get married? And if you’re not ready for that, why are you ready to be in the type of relationship that basically mimics it? ‘Cause lawd, if there is one thing that social media is absolutely obsessed with, on the Lifetime Television level, it’s cheating (by the way, even in marriage, it reportedly happens 20 percent among men and 13 percent among women; not nearly as much as folks act like it does).

And you know what, whether you fully agree with the rabbi or not, you’ve got to admit that he’s made some points to at least seriously ponder. Okay, so what if you don’t ever want to get married yet you’re in a serious relationship? Or what if you and your partner are living together right now (divorce stats increase after marriage if that is the case; you can read more about that here), you’ve both decided to not see anyone but each other yet you’re not sure when marriage is coming. Does that not mean that you are basically monogamous?

Well, if you let the fickleness of culture determine the answer for you, "monogamous" has gotten to the point that many believe that it’s about having one sexual partner at a time. However, because I think that the word deserves to be highly esteemed, in your case, I would much rather prefer to use the word “exclusive.”

Exclusive. Explained.

Okay, so I had to throw Tripp Fontane’s commentary (via the video above) in first because, if you’re not in something serious yet, what he said provides some really good food for thought: initial dating should be about discerning if your intentions (whatever those intentions may be) are actually aligned with the person’s intentions who you are seeing.

Unfortunately, far too many people find themselves weeks or months into dating (and perhaps even being sexually involved with someone), all the while assuming that if some chemistry is there, a future must be there too — and that is not always or automatically the case. Tripp just proved that point.

Okay, beyond that, though, the pastor in this video is definitely onto something that is relevant and necessary. When you’re dating and you want to get into an exclusive relationship (more on that in just a sec), assessing the individual’s character and seeing how well they complement you, your life’s purpose, and your goals (check out “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life”) should be the main focus.

And what if the guy checks those boxes, you both don’t want to see other people and yet you’re not ready for marriage (or perhaps don’t even want to be married and he is on the same page about that — check out “Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON’T Desire Marriage?” and “12 Couples Reveal Why They're Happy With A Long-Term Commitment Instead Of Marriage”)? Isn’t that more than just casual or light dating? Sure it is. And the word that I like for that is exclusive.

Exclusive: not admitting of something else; omitting from consideration or account (often followed by of); shutting out all others from a part or share; disposed to resist the admission of outsiders to association, intimacy, etc.

And why is exclusive the word that I can vibe with?

Well, for one thing, it gives credence to one-on-one relationships where marriage isn’t involved without compromising what monogamous was designed to mean. Also, it shows that you can be with just one person although nowhere in any of the definitions do you see marriage ever mentioned — and that’s because you can be exclusive with someone and not be married to them….very much so.

And y’all, perhaps if more people thought the way that I do about all of this, marriage would be treated as the sacred union that it is and people who are in serious dating relationships would still feel like they are getting the respect that they want without mocking marriage in the process — and maybe that would cause people to “reprogram” themselves (and society) from seeing and treating marriage as “basically being” the same thing as being in a serious dating relationship…because that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Marriage is so much more than dating; even serious dating.

Okay, and what about some of y’all who can’t even take in all of what I’m saying right now because you’re still stuck on what the rabbi said about there being no such thing as cheating when you are dating — even when it comes to seriously dating? Although I rock with him 1000 percent, again, because I am word-literal, I do think that infidelity and cheating apply to marriage because a part of the marriage vow is to be faithful to your spouse only.

HOWEVER, I do think that if you and someone come to the agreement that intimacy will only be shared between the two of you and they don’t stick to that agreement, they lied to you — lying is an integrity issue and you should take that under very serious consideration before contemplating marrying them.

Again, at the same time though, if sex is just recreational or something fun to do when you’re not in a relationship, I’m still not sure how it’s so life-shattering if the person you’re dating has sex with someone else?

Is that really about the sex? Is it because they weren’t honest with you? Or is it more of a bruised ego? Or could it be that you’re acting like you’re married when you’re not — and so you see him as a husband and you as a wife when…he’s not and you’re not? (Hmm…) Again, just something to think about.

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Do I expect everyone who just read all of this to (automatically) agree with me? C’mon now. This way of thinking is so countercultural that it’s going to ruffle more than a few feathers, I’m sure. And that is why the title of this says that I use "monogamous" for marriage and "exclusive" for dating.

However, at the same time, I do think that if you would consider my perspective, even just a little bit, it could take a lot of pressure off of dating and prepare you for marriage in some ways that you never saw coming because it can help you to look at dating as preparation for marriage and not “practice run” for marriage itself (because dating isn’t “play marriage;” dating is its own thing entirely).

Now excuse me while I listen to more of what the rabbi has to say about marriage, in general, because his thoughts continue to remind me that marriage ain’t a game. Not by a long shot.

And you know what? The words that we use to define and explain marriage shouldn’t be treated as one…either. Not. At. All.

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