Y’all, even though spring is just a few steps away, it seems like just yesterday that I wrote “Resolve To Evolve In 2025. That's It.” as a New Year's piece. The gist of it is, instead of putting a lot of pressure to check off an Old Testament scroll of resolutions, why not just be committed to evolving? And, as you’re about to see in just a moment, a part of that is choosing not to settle — in any area of your life.
It sounds good, right? Refusing to settle is damn near the tagline for easily 40 percent of social media posts. However, when it really comes down to it, what does that actually mean? And more importantly, what does not settling require you to do?
Whether you wonder if you’re somehow settling for less or you’re simply ready to have way more in your world than you do right now, here are some things that you are going to need to be willing to do in order to live a life that says that you didn’t settle, in any facet of it, at all.
What Does It Actually Mean to “Settle”?
GiphyRefusing to settle. It’s something that is said so much these days that I’m not even sure we know what it actually means anymore. I say this because being arrogant, entitled, and/or expecting someone else to do for you what A) you won’t do for your own self and or B) you wouldn’t do for them in return. That isn’t the definition of “not settling.”
Actually, "not settling" is more about being so self-aware that you refuse to allow people, places, things, or ideas to influence or impact you to the point where you end up living a life that is less than what will bring out the absolute best in you.
Not settling is about moving around this earth in such a way that you know that, when it comes time to take your last breath, you have very few regrets because you prioritized having a high quality of life of richness and true fulfillment above all else.
Quality of life. When you think of your career, is it bringing out the best in you? When you think about your friendships, are your friends bringing out the best in you? When you think about your relationship, is it bringing out the best in you? The choices, both big and small, that you make on a daily basis — can you honestly say that you are intentional about choosing who and what will bring out the absolute best in you?
If you can’t firmly say “yes,” sis, on some level, you are settling — and as one of my favorite quotes of all time (by writer Maureen Dowd) says, “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”
What you deserve. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a billion times over. “It” being that, by definition, in order to have what you deserve, you need to be qualified to have it (yes, that is literally what “deserve” means). So, when it comes to not settling because you want no less than what you deserve in this world — what energy and effort are you putting into making sure that YOU ARE QUALIFIED to have such things? Yeah, you’d be amazed by how many people end up settling in this life and it’s (mostly) because they missed this very crucial step.
If you are someone who gets that and simply looking for some signs to keep from settling, here are five that I want you to seriously take to heart.
You Rarely Step Outside of Your Comfort Zone
GiphyI hate to admit it but with me being an ambivert and really liking (I mean really liking) being at home, I haven’t been on an official vacation since my 20s (no exaggeration). I have traveled to see family (that is not exactly what I would call a vacation — LOL). I have gone to see friends and my godchildren (see what I said in the previous sentence — LOL). I have traveled all over for work and had some fun in the process. However, planning some time to get off of the grid and do NOTHING but rest and relax? Yep…late 20s.
And although I’m not exactly afraid to fly, I’ll be the first to say that it’s not my favorite thing on the planet to do — and with these planes currently falling out of the air right now (although reports say that is in our heads more than anything)? Oh, I would definitely be getting out of my comfort zone to travel right now.
And so long as I use some wisdom and discernment about when and where I go, that’s a good thing because people who stay in their comfort zone tend to live stagnant lives and/or live in fear (of the unknown) and/or don’t take risks and/or don’t try new things and/or don’t challenge their current way of thinking and/or overthink way too much and/or never really reach their full capacity — and all of these are sho ‘nuf signs of settling for a less-than life.
Me? I need to stop talking about taking a vacation and actually book one — and yes, I need to get my ass on a plane to get there. In my world that is a form of getting out of my comfort zone.
What do you need to do? Something tells me that, deep down, you know.
You Walk on Eggshells in Your Relationships
GiphyIt really is wild how songs will immediately come to my mind, whenever I write on particular topics. Today, it’s one that I haven’t thought about in a hot minute: John Mayer’s “Say.” (For the record, “Daughters” is forever gonna be one of his best offerings; it’ll preach). If you know it, then you know that the hook says, on repeat, “say what you need to say” — and if you’re not doing this in your relationships, you’re settling. In order for people to really connect with you, they have to know you and they can’t do that if you are holding things back or…in.
For the record, I’m not speaking of lacking tact, timing, or maturity in your message or delivery because a part of what comes with solid communication is knowing how to do it effectively.
No, what I’m speaking of here is making sure that you’re not walking on eggshells with others: tensing or clamming up — you know, basically biting your tongue — when you want to share your perspective or a boundary; constantly worrying about what the consequences may be for bringing up your true feelings or opinions; letting other people hijack the conversations that they have with you; constantly walking away from interactions with other people feeling like you were gaslit or manipulated; and being nonconfrontational to an absolute fault, and/or feeling too insecure to be your genuine self.
What causes some of us to become this way? Well, if you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I am a huge fan of the quote, “Adulthood is surviving children” and there is more and more intel coming out these days that if you were raised in an emotionally unpredictable environment, you can find yourself wanting to do whatever to keep the peace, even as an adult. If hearing that triggered you, you might want to consider seeing a therapist/counselor/life coach in order to get the tools to “reprogram you” in this department.
Because to go through life listening to folks express their thoughts and feelings while you don’t? GIRL, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY SETTLING.
You Don’t Showcase Your Originality
GiphyMarch marks 10 years since my dad left this earth—and boy, if there is one thing that seemed to consistently trouble him is the aftermath of growing up around people who seemed to fight against his originality instead of embracing it and that is a horrible way to live. In some ways, I saw people try to do the same thing to me. An example?
I’m old enough to remember when a certain sorority would do something called The Jones Awards and I believe it was my freshman year (freshman or sophomore; it’s been a minute) when they gave me the “What the hell do you have on?” award. People laughed. It was mean. I didn’t really care, though. My mom is a New Yorker and never really wanted us looking like…mall dressers. LOL. And so, yes, I had my own individuality and, to this day, strangers will say, “Where are you from because we know it’s not from Nashville.” It is high praise.
Y’all, if I was out here trying to think/look/act like people around me, I doubt that I would’ve accomplished, shoot, 70% of what I have (already done) in my life because I needed to feel confident in my personality, my convictions and uniqueness in order to convince others that I could get certain things done. Hell, my original approach to things is a big part of what’s even kept me with this platform. Being original has taken me far and it can do the same for you. I say that because to be original is to be the first (and there is only one you). To be original is to be authentic. To be original is to be new, fresh, and inventive. Why would you want to settle for anything less than that?
It is the late Aaliyah who once said, “I stay true to myself and my style, and I am always pushing myself to be aware of that and be original.” Staying aware of the fact that no one is better than you in the sense that, there is nothing to really compare AN ORIGINAL to, that really should give you the confidence and courage to not conform. Conforming is settling. And yes, sadly, people do it all of the time. And that’s why they end up being a toy soldier instead of being truly memorable.
You’re Not Doing What Is BEST for You
GiphyPeople who talk to me on a consistent basis know that if there is a self-created motto that I will stay on-repeat about, it’s “Never mistake familiar for good and good for what is right.” Chile, I promise that if you factor that into your life decisions, it will help you to sidestep quite a bit of nonsense. Plus, if you’re someone who wants what is right for you, you will find yourself leaning into what is best for you as well.
Something (or someone) that is the best for you? It’s not just about having the highest quality of something (or someone); it’s also about carefully selecting the people, places, things, and ideas that will prove to be the most suitable for you. Suitable means things like appropriate, proper, becoming, correct, useful, relevant (that’s a good one) and comfortable to you. And y’all, in order to get to what and who is best, there’s a pretty good chance that you’re going to have to release some stuff and folks because, again, not settling is about cultivating an unmatched quality of life and some things (and people) are simply hindrances to and for that.
Example: There is someone I know who keeps going back to the same guy because he is familiar; however, so much has transpired since they first started dating that they are mistaking nostalgia for anything currently substantial (i.e., relevant). As a result, she is not accepting that he is not right for her which means that he is not who is best for her. Her mind knows it and yet she keeps letting her emotions get in the way (which is again why I can’t stand the saying “follow your heart;” the Bible clearly says that the heart is deceitful and heart means “center of emotions” — Jeremiah 17:9-10).
And so yes, when it comes to this guy, she is settling. BIG TIME. And when you settle in a (serious) relationship, it’s almost inevitable that you will start to do the same thing in other areas of your life. For shame, FOR SHAME!
Now, please make sure to really spend some time on the definitions of "best" before making any moves because it is definitely where the big kids play. What I mean by that is, that just because something is best for you, that doesn’t mean it’s always going to feel like it at the time. Her letting that guy go is what’s best even if, for a season, it’s going to hurt. However, in the grand scheme of things, by choosing what is “your best,” your life, long-term, will become so much better.
Listen, there’s no way that doing what’s best for you won’t result in life gifting you with some pretty unexpectedly amazing things as a direct result…if not immediately, in due time.
“Meh” Would Describe Your Lifestyle
GiphyTime. It goes by so much faster than we think. That’s why it’s so important — crucial even — to avoid doing things that will waste your time (check out “These Bad Habits Are Totally Wasting Your Time” and“Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?”). Know what else? You should opt out of whatever won’t help you to live a life that is educational, exciting, purposeful…a life that is far from being “meh.” Meh is an actual word and it means things like indifferent, uninspiring, boring (check out “Bored All Of The Time? Here's What's Really Going On.”).
That said, if there is ANY area of your life where this word would apply, YOU. ARE. SETTLING.
So…what and/or who are you indifferent (feeling average or routine) about?
What and/or are you uninspired by?
What and/or who is boring you?
Why is that the case? Because to simply live in that energy without any real answers? Whew-whee is that settling and the fact that the moments in this lifetime are pretty fleeting, take this as the biggest sign ever that it is time to make some serious changes.
You need to be able to get up, every single day of your life, and be able to name at least three things that are exceptional about you and your world, that inspire you to aim higher and tap into your creative, exploratory, and even risky (health risks, that is) side. People who live like that? Chile, they rarely, if ever, settle for much of anything at all!
___
Author Jim Rohn was right when he said, “If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.” And goodness — why should you, a complete and total original, settle for ANYTHING that is ordinary?
To do so wouldn’t just be sad, it would be criminal.
Especially when it comes to who you are as a person — please, sis — never (EVER) settle.
It’s totally beneath you.
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Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023