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Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?
Sometimes, when it comes to what I have written for this platform, it takes someone inboxing me with a link to trigger my memory. Take an email that I got not too long ago asking me about “These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom.” Actually, they were using this as a segue into a different type of issue because what they wanted to know is, what if the deal-breaker, in their eyes, is the sex isn’t that good with their partner?
They weren’t talking about a casual sex situation either. No, this woman has been with her man exclusively for about 10 months, and it just doesn’t seem like the sex is improving. She shared that she senses that he is going to propose soon, and although she loves him, she is having a hard time thinking that she can spend the rest of her life not hanging off of chandeliers (my words, not hers; she was a bit more…graphic), and so, she wanted to know what she should do about it.
For her, there were some other factors that came into play that we had to work through. Anyway, I’m happy to share that she and her man are making some headway and it looks like they are going to be able to go the distance. However, because I’m aware of the fact that,reportedly, about one-third of Americans are not exactly happy with their sex life — this means that at least a handful of our readers are low-key pissed about theirs too.
If that’s you, you’re about at your wit’s end when it comes to your own bedroom, umm, situation, and you’re not sure what to do about it, here are my two cents about how you should tackle the question of whether or not bad sex is truly a relationship deal-breaker.
What Makes the Sex “Bad”?
Before we go any deeper on the topic, at the expense of patronizing y’all just a bit, let’s review what the word “bad” means. While I know that everyone learned it as a tot, actually, that’s kind of my point: words like bad and good are so elementary that sometimes we forget that they tend to have some pretty layered meanings:
Bad: not good in any manner or degree; having a wicked or evil character; morally reprehensible; of poor or inferior quality; defective; deficient; inadequate or below standard; not satisfactory for use; inaccurate, incorrect, or faulty; invalid, unsound, or false
Synonyms: awful, cheap, poor, abominable, careless, atrocious, imperfect, substandard, second-rate, unacceptable
See what I mean? When you think about your sex life with your man, it’s one thing if it’s second-rate vs. not being good in any manner or degree, or it’s below standard vs. careless and unacceptable. So…which is it? Pull out your journal (a sex journal if you have one; check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)” if you’ve never heard of one of those before), ponder all of the definitions that I just provided and get really honest with yourself about what kind of bad sex you’re having; then think about what actually makes it bad.
For instance, I was once in a relationship with someone who, while the actual act of sex itself was pretty good, the kissing was damn near horrifying — not some of the time either. It was ridiculously inaccurate, about 8.5/10. Listen, a few years ago, I penned an article for the platform entitled “Wanna Climax More? KISS MORE.,” so I’m a huge believer that good kissing leads to even better sex, which means that I couldn’t ignore the fact that I really couldn’t go on, indefinitely, with our kisses being totally out of sync. So, while that wasn’t the only reason why I ended things, it definitely played a valid part.
Bottom line here is, sometimes, when you stop speaking in generalizations and you actually get to the root of a word and how it is directly impacting you, that alone can help you to see if there is a way to come to some sort of resolve or compromise — or, at the very least, it can help you to be clear and concise should you decide to communicate your thoughts, feelings, and needs with your partner. Look over the definitions. Where do things land for you?
Is “It” Actually a Reflection of Your Relationship?
I promise y’all that I wish I could remember where I once heard that "good sex is 10 percent of a marriage while bad sex is 90 percent" because what happens in the bedroom sets the tone for the rest of the house. It’s so on-point when you stop to consider that sex is an expression of the level of intimacy, communication, and connection that two people feel. With that being said, the next thing that you should think long and hard about is if the coitus that is going down is actually mirroring some breakdowns in your relationship overall.
Let me explain. I’m pretty sure that it comes as absolutely no surprise to y’all thateven research reveals that what women look for most in a romantic relationship with a man is their ability to fully and completely trust him. So, if there is something transpiring in the relationship that is preventing you from trusting your own man, I’m sure you can get why and how that could influence how you respond or react to him sexually. Or, say that you know that you have trust issues, period — things that, if you were really honest with yourself, is your ish and not his. This could cause you to have walls (if not barbed wire fences) that could keep you from fully letting go and enjoying all of your sexual experiences with him.
Another example (that I oftentimes have to deal with when it comes to some of my clients) is not having — which, at the end of the day, is more like not making — enough quality time in the relationship. When you’re not spending time with each other to solely focus on one another, not only does that lead to a disconnect, but it can also make foreplay a bit subpar. The correlation is, that if you’re not cherishing one another outside of sex, you may want to rush foreplay, and that can lead to all sorts of sexual displeasure (especially for us women).
And that’s why, yep, the next thing to do is ask yourself if there are areas within your relationship that are “missing the mark” and if that could be the main reason why the sex doesn’t seem to be blowing your mind.
Are You Taking Any Personal Accountability?
Uh-huh. I know that some of y’all may not want to hold a mirror up and look into it, yet stats are based on facts, and the reality is that 1 in 4 men fake orgasms too (check out “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed).” A top reason is that they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings by telling them that they are not completely satisfied with how things are going.
One time, when I took my own unofficial poll about all of this, the three things that guys told me that they wished was better when it came to sex with their partner was better fellatio (check out “Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm,” “Umm...Wanna Learn How To Swallow? Try These 10 Hacks.” and “The Secret To The Ultimate Oral Sex Experience? Lip Gloss.”), not enough dirty talk and not enough initiating/spontaneity from the woman (check out “Why You Should Be Initiating Sex More Than You (Probably) Are”).
Yeah, I know that it’s oh so easy to think that if sex is not up to par, surely, it’s not because of anything that you’re doing, not doing, or could be doing better — however, just like it takes two to make a relationship work, it also takes two to cause fireworks in the bedroom to go off.
So, if you want to get to the root of what’s happening — or rather not happening — in between the sheets, you need to prepare yourself for your partner to have some critiques, insights, and/or suggestions…too.
After All Of This, Does It Seem Like Y’all Are Simply Sexually Incompatible?
And what if after going through all of what I just said, you’re pretty much responding, like “Nope, that ain’t it” — what should you do then? Listen, if I didn’t think that there wasn’t such a thing as “sexual incompatibility,” I would’ve never written articles like “What Exactly Does It Mean To Be Sexually Compatible?” for the platform.
For this one, let me first say that if you’re married, you definitely should take a different approach than if you are not. Marriage is serious, and no matter how much our culture tries to act like it’s nothing more than a glorified dating dynamic, that couldn’t be further from the truth. So, for you, before doing anything else, please read “6 Tips For Dealing With A Sexually Incompatible Spouse,” then consider seeing a sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”).
I’ve worked with couples who, with the right tips and a mutual desire to turn things around, have been able to significantly improve their sex lives. After all, incompatible (“unable to exist together in harmony”) doesn’t have to be a death sentence. You can oftentimes learn things that can make you become more compatible in time.
For the rest of y’all, it’s always important to keep in mind that you’re not married until you actually are. What I mean by that is, if a relationship that will go the distance is what you are truly after, forever is a long time to sign up for exclusivity (if dating) or monogamy (if married), and there are far too many people who talk themselves out of areas of dissatisfaction only to “suffer in silence” or cheat.
Aight, so is this my way of saying that bad sex is a good enough reason to end a relationship? Deeper than that, what I’m saying is dating means that you are figuring out what/who works for you and what/who does not. And so, after giving it your best and all, dots still aren’t connecting or puzzle pieces still aren’t fitting well together, it is not shallow or selfish of you to move on. If anything, it is mean to stay and keep putting pressure on your partner to try at something that, with someone else, there may be no issue at all.
- If you like BDSM and he hates it, why stay?
- If you hate oral and he adores it, why stay?
- If you want sex three times a week and he prefers a couple of times a month, why stay?
I promise you that you both can find someone who wants what you do instead of you each trying to manipulate one another into being (or becoming) something that, at your core, you both know that you are…not.
What Are You Losing If You Leave?
Before I close this out, there is one more thing that I absolutely need to mention: what are you standing to lose if “bad sex” is indeed your deal-breaker? Because now that you get that not thoroughly enjoying sex with your partner may be about more than just the sex itself, it would be a shame to lose a great man if a few honest and open conversations, a bit of revising and tweaking, and some patience are all that you needed in order to get what you’ve been yearning for.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where folks will stay in some totally dysfunctional relationships because the sex is so good and yet will toss out a good man or woman in a heartbeat because the sex, well, isn’t so good. In real-time, I know someone who isn’t thrilled with their partner sexually, yet they have no intentions of breaking up with them because “they are one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met.” For them, sex appears to be the icing on the cake, so they can make it work. So-so sex is not a deal-breaker for everyone. Clearly.
So yes, the final focus is to answer the question: does the “bad sex” make up 10 percent or 75 percent of what is a top three priority for you? If it’s the former, stick it out. If it’s the latter…don’t lie to yourself and say that it isn’t. Typically, that only leads to you nitpicking other stuff about your partner and/or the relationship due to how unhappy, in the bedroom, that you are.
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If you thought that something like bad sex in a relationship was going to have a black-and-white, cut-and-dried answer — sorry not sorry. LOL. Sex is complex, like so many things in life.
I do hope that this, in some way, offered some light in the tunnel about what needs to be done about the matter, though.
Bottom line, sex is a valid enough need to get the need met.
If after some real effort, there’s no way that it can be…a deal-breaker, it is.
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- Listen, Here’s The Difference Between Missing A Man And Craving Him ›
- 6 Reasons Why Rebound Relationships Should Be Avoided At All Costs ›
- What If You Love Him But Your Needs Keep Not Being Met? ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
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I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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