God and I have a tradition (several, but there is one in particular that I am going to share today): every time that my birthday and Rosh Hashanah roll around, I am given a word that basically sets the stage for how the following 12 months are going to go. As the (now and it’s so surreal to say) late Malcolm-Jamal Warner once said in an interview explaining why/how his earthly father gave him his name (which you can watch here), I too felt like our Heavenly Father had “set me up” when the word that I received right around June 17 was this one:
Ataraxia: a state of freedom from emotional disturbance and anxiety, especially as an ongoing condition of soul-fulfilling attainment; unconditional tranquility
Boy, oh boy. Okay, so here’s how the dots connect. My mother, Gail Hamilton Masondo’s birthday, is two days before my own. She turned 75 this year. She has always battled with health issues, especially since her early 30s, and so for her to reach that age was a pretty major feat. In fact, around her day, I thought about how it was about this time, 30 years ago, when westernized medicine (insert eye roll here) had misdiagnosed her and said that she had cancer (when she actually had an autoimmune disorder called sarcoidosis). She had a trip planned for South Africa to co-executive produce a project called Place of Hope, and so she said, “If I am going to die, I’m going to see Africa first.”
When my late fiancé and I took her to the airport, she said that she sensed something was “off” before boarding the plane. There, she encountered a life-threatening-and-then-life-altering experience that ultimately confirmed to her that Johannesburg would be her new home, where she would eventually rebrand as a chaplain, life coach (yes, that has not escaped me), and mentor. Meanwhile here, my fiancé passed on November 3, 1995. This year marks both occasions. 30 years. THIRTY YEARS. And her Spidey senses? Spot-on. She knew life, as we both knew it, was about to change. Drastically so.
And then here we are now, 30 years later and about two weeks ago, I received an email. A deal that I had made with her husband, several years ago now, was to email me dire information. It’s wild that, on a Monday, Malcolm-Jamal Warner left us, and that had me like “What in the world?” That Friday, though (South African time…they are seven hours up from Nashville, TN)? My mother did the same, ironically, due to the very thing that she was told she had in the US three decades prior — and that has had me peacefully yet steadily processing some things…mostly because we were estranged at the time and had been for a while (about a year prior to the pandemic).
When you make the decision to “go dark” with a parent (something that is upticking by the day in this country — check out “10 Women Tell Me Why They Made The Decision To Be Estranged From Their Parent(s)”), a complex-yet-clear resolve is probably the best way to describe what it feels like. Yet as I have watched other people over the past several days try and process for me, project their stuff onto me and want to feel like they need to make sense of it all about my journey with my own mother — in a truly signature Shellie Renée Warren fashion, I have decided to channel my energy, not into defending or explaining but towards helping others, should they find themselves in a similar predicament. Because if one thing is sure, it is death. And when you are estranged from a parent…it puts you in a very unique and fragile club that needs a very special and specific kind of support.
I hope that I can provide, at least a bit of that, in some way, today.
What Led Me Here. The ‘Reader’s Digest’ Version.
First pic: my mom as many people here remember her. Second shot: her final photo.
If you’ve been following my content for a while, you’ve heard me reference my mother several times over before. For instance, as a quotes gal, one of my favorite quotes of hers is, “Discernment prevents experience from being your teacher” — and, as life would have it, that is a part of the reason why I made the decision to no longer have a relationship with her.
Let me semi-explain. Another “set me up” moment from God was him pushing me to finish my third book last year. While I thought the only reason was because I needed to mark the 20-year anniversary of the first one as accurately as possible — I now get that, because God knows the birth and expiration dates of us all and also because my mother and I weren’t speaking, when it came to her chapter (and there is one), he wanted me to tell the story with the mercy and grace that would come along with the awareness that she was still on this planet. Perhaps if it had been after her death, things would have been expressed a bit…differently. We will never know because, aside from my safe circle, beyond what I said in the book, I won’t be saying much else. Pretty much ever.
You can cop the read for some context for what brought me to the conclusion that things, intimately, needed to end. For now, I will just share a line that I wrote in it (paraphrased) — the very thing that made my mother professionally iconic is the same thing that ultimately fractionated us for good: she refuses to take “no” for an answer. In some ways, it has worked in her favor yet as Aristotle once said, “The excess of a virtue is a vice.” Balance. Life should always have balance.
How was her boundary-breaking rewarded? She was the manager of the multi-award winning group Take 6 during their first two classic LPs (check out “Spread Love Podcast #31 - Gail Masondo” where they gave her some of her flowers a few years back). Every time you listen to the Hallelujah chorus of Handel’s Messiah: A Soulful Celebration, you partly have her to thank, because she co-executive produced the project along with the late Norman Miller and late-and-beyond-great Quincy Jones.
My godchildren’s mom has shouted her out before in her Color Me Country radio show before because my mom was one of the founding board members of the Black Country Music Association. Yeah, my mother was such the ish back in the day that I remember when she let me choose between attending Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown’s wedding or spending the weekend at my then-best friend Angie’s house. I chose Door B.
And I think that’s a lot of what people don’t get. When you have an “industry parent,” how you think you know them is very different from how those of us in the home do. And although my mom was: physically beautiful (far more than she ever gave her own self credit for); a diehard New Yorker; extremely pro-Black, pro-woman and cultured; a lover of People Magazine and watching Entertainment Tonight (back in the day); gonna give you a Scripture and say something along the lines of “God has a plan that is customed made for your life” during almost every conversation; thoroughly a fan of pretty much every genre of music that you could imagine, a woman who could spend literal hours in bookstores (shout-out to the late Davis-Kidd Bookseller in Green Hills) and definitely someone who had no problem with going to movies alone; damn near a homeopath because she knew just about every herb (and its function) known to man; someone with a laugh that was loud, full and oftentimes caught you totally off-guard and was an Adventist to her core — my mom was also a survivor of some pretty dark generational curses. Haunting ones. And when things haunt you, they can creep up unexpectedly.
No time to get into all of that now yet I will say this: there was a year, in my 20s, when I let both of my grandfathers very much so have it for being very-much-less-than-stellar fathers to their children who also happened to be my parents. My mother’s name, Gail ironically means “father’s joy” and yet her dad? He too liked to use Scripture — oftentimes to weaponize, manipulate and deflect with it, though. And that left wounds — and contradictions — that lasted for a lifetime for her.
And so, when I came along — well, I’ll put it to you this way: my father (who has now been gone 11 years) used to tell me that I wasn’t human (the why is also broken down more in the book) while my mother said that I was her “warrior woman child” and that Satan has hated me since my conception. Which is why she shouldn’t have been (and probably wasn’t) caught off guard when I told her, at the age of 12, that I was going to break some generational curses in my family. Her immediate response, without hesitation? “Good luck. You’re going to be surprised by some of the ones that you’ll be up against.” She was right, which is perhaps why God came behind her during that same year and said, “Shellie, your health will always be intact but your heart will be broken often.”
He ain’t neva lied. Of course, not — he’s God. Because while so much of my family, generationally, on both sides, have survived generational woundedness, brokenness and peak toxicity, the fighting that I have been doing…at all costs…even at the expense of relationships with family members if need be? It has been heart-breaking sometimes, yes. Necessary, though? Absolutely. Because I don’t want to just survive curses; I want them to be thoroughly eradicated. I want to thrive and prosper beyond one of my other favorite quotes: “Adulthood is surviving childhood.” Not only that but when you know your purpose, it is idolatry to put any person, place, thing or idea before it. Including your DNA. And a part of my purpose has always been to yank out some of the roots that have caused my family trees to sometimes have some really strange fruit on them.
And so, in order to do that, some things, especially within my early 40s, revealed that although my mom was insightful enough to know that I was a natural fighter, I had to remove myself, so that wars wouldn’t continue between us. I was on a mission and so I couldn’t remain in certain cycles.
There is a Scripture that talks about Christ not bringing peace but a sword, even between family members at times, in order to correct some things (Matthew 10:34-36). That’s not poetry. That’s reality. And it was mine.
Interestingly enough, another profound point from my mom about me? “Shellie is very violent about her peace.” I always dug the phrasing of that and she would be correct because, one of the family curses, was the fact that so much education, so much religion, so much bougie rah-rah (one of her grandmothers was a buyer for Macy’s in New York while one of my dad’s grandmothers was one for Neiman-Marcus), so much “Let’s look right even if it ain’t right” was in my DNA that one thing that was lacking, for many if not most, was holistic peace. Folks would rather look the part than be the part. Me? Yeah, I’m good on that. Peace for $100, Alex — even if I’ve got to go to battle for it with the very people who made me…again, generationally so.
And so, in a nutshell, that is what led me to my decision to be estranged. I was doing the same things, with her, expecting a different result. It was time to let discernment be my teacher and that has ultimately kept me so much safer — sure with extreme sacrifices yet all have been worth it, because sacrifice, by definition, is about giving up something good (or good at times) for something even greater.
And it is within this state of peace that I want to offer up some tips — hacks, whatever you want to call it — for people who either are estranged or sense that it’s time to be and you’re just not sure how to navigate all that comes with it. Then I’ve got a few — eh hem — words for those of you who know folks who are “in the club” so that you will stop revictimizing them (whether you realize that is what you are doing or not).
3 “What I’ve Discovered” Tips for Estranged Children
This picture? It’s taken with a woman by the name of Carolyn Demonbreun, who was very dear to us, who passed a few years ago, on a Juneteenth no less (because you clearly see the hue — LOL). I’m sharing it to show that clearly my mother and I were still trying to figure out our relationship well into my adulthood. And listen, some things were great about those moments. It’s just that the high As didn’t overcompensate for the low Fs — ones that came with very few Cs in-between (shout-out to old-school report cards).
And that leads me to my first tip:
1. Remember that you are supposed to supersede your parents. I’m going to stick with Black culture here because that is what I care about most — and this thing that you should honor your parents (Exodus 20:12) as if the Bible doesn’t also say don’t provoke your children (Ephesians 6:4)? It really needs to stop. It’s like there is an enslaved mindset that it’s okay to endure mistreatment so long as it’s coming from your DNA when the reality is family should be the very people who are safe, both to and for you, at all times. And honestly, if more people took that seriously, they wouldn’t keep generational nonsense going.
They would get that a sign of breaking free is becoming a better version of self than your parents — no matter what the cost. If that is your ultimate goal, and you know that family is what’s standing in the way, don’t allow guilt, shame or fear prevent you from doing what needs to be done. Scripture tells us that perfect love casts out ALL fear (I John 4:18). Too many people let fear of family hinder them from self-love and learning how to love better than they were loved.
2. Count the cost. It will be high. When I first received the news of my mother’s shifting, I personally was at peace. It’s not that I didn’t have moments of sadness (c’mon, she’s my mom); however, what folks don’t get is that when you make such a drastic decision as to become estranged, you realize that 1) you’ve been grieving on some level the entire time which is why the choice needed to be made in the first place and 2) there is a death that has occurred once the estrangement begins. So, I wasn’t in the emotional state that many others were. I knew that the moment would someday arrive. Nothing about what I decided to do was romanticized.
Another Scripture to hold close: “It’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.” (Ecclesiastes 7:18 — Message) If you need to go to therapy, read books, pray and fast for days, weeks or months before making the decision to release a family member, especially a parent, DO THAT. That way, you can have as little regret as possible and you can handle all of the peanut gallery’s…let’s go with the words ego, ignorance and insensitivities.
3. Give whatever will fully release you from the estrangement (in the end). What I mean by that is this: As my mother’s husband was sharing some of the physical difficulties that she was experiencing in the midst of her transition, I asked him if he thought that her hearing from me would help. Because that not taking “no” for an answer thing? Even up until last fall, she had tried to connect. I didn’t want to risk the peace and wholeness that I had, though. Many times over, I had in the past and counterproductive is the word I will use for how things tended to play out. He said “yes” and so, I contributed to what I thought would help her to really relax and release.
We were estranged yet I took no pleasure in her suffering. If she needed to hear that she was loved, forgiven and that I would be fine, I would give her that — because it was true. And any of you who are questioning the forgiveness part — sometimes, in order to really forgive someone, you have to remove yourself from being tempted to not forgive them again should similar actions continue — because, as they say, the only way to predict the future is the past…until the past changes. In some ways, ours had. It many others, it never truly did. Sometimes estrangement is the ultimate act of forgiveness: I remove myself from never wanting to forgive you ever again (Matthew 7:14-15).
Estrangement isn’t easy — whether it is seasonal or permanent. Yet never let someone cause you to feel guilt or shame about doing what will keep you holistically safe. Because anyone who does? They are, ironically enough, unsafe.
Which leads me to my other set of tips…
3 Tips for Individuals Who Know People Who Are Estranged
Unsplash
1. Use some common sense instead of random presumptions and unhinged emotions. If you know someone who is estranged from a family member, especially if the member is a parent, ponder the fact that it must have been under some super extreme measures for them to come to that decision — and so no, they don’t need your insights and opinions on the matter. Whether you realize it or not, all you’re doing is revictimizing them. Boy, watching some people have an attitude because I’m estranged has been — “comically revelatory” is what comes to mind. Imagine losing a parent so that you can become a better version of yourself and folks acting like you somehow did something to them.
So many people are unsafe spaces, perhaps without even knowing it — or sadly, not even caring. Please don’t be one of those individuals. No one needs your permission or blessing to do what is best for them — and so no, they are not obligated to explain it to you in a way that makes sense to you. Do you hear how arrogant it sounds to think otherwise? Geeze, I certainly hope so.
2. Stop being a danger zone for those of us who made the decision. Speaking of arrogance, wanna see some real egos in humans pop up? Tell them that you choose to not have a relationship with someone who they like or admire (because there is a difference between the two). I’m telling you, God has brought some supernatural ataraxia into my space as certain individuals who I haven’t heard from in years have felt like they need to know why I’m not going to South Africa to formally send off my mother, what my personal thought processing is, and if I need to be reminded about how great my mother was in their eyes. Listen, the only contribution that is needed for a child of an estranged parent in this season is, “Sorry for your loss” and/or “You are in my prayers” and/or “Is there anything that we can do?” THAT. IS. IT.
Something else that I addressed in my book is the fact that, over the years, some of the most unsafe people I experienced were the modern-day Pharisees of the faith that I grew up in. Folks said that I lied about my sexual abuse (which is abusive). Folks invalidated some of my trauma. Folks even think that they need to decide if my experiences with my mom were damning enough for my ultimate decision. Listen, humans are going to human — my father used to tell me that all of the time. I will say this, though — knowing that we could separate from a relative…how much more are we willing to do the same when it comes to the crowd who taunts our resolves rather than supports them or at least has sympathy regarding them? Final point.
3. Stop projecting. It benefits no one. I’ve been very selective about who I talk to, outside of my safe space, since my mother’s transition. One of her friends — someone who has attempted to check on me for years now — we caught up and I chuckled when she said that when she and my mother talked about my first book, my mom said, “Why couldn’t Shellie just have written a cookbook?” Listen, my mother refused to speak to me for six months when I told her about that book deal and I think the very thing that she knew I was (a curse-breaker and very candid speaker), really challenged her at times. You know, sometimes it seems easier to stay in the familiar than to really do what is needed to fully and forever break free. And honestly, that was a part of our conflict as well.
Kind of like when Christ told his earthly parents about him needing to be about his Father’s business while they were freaking out and not understanding what was going on as he appeared lost and yet wasn’t (some of y’all will catch that later — Matthew 2:41-50). In real time, sometimes people who make radical life decisions end up saying something similar to others: y’all are projecting onto me what you would do if you were me yet you’re not. And to tell you the truth, if I am doing what keeps me in line with my life assignments and tasks at hand, resist the urge to assume that it is bad or that I am lost, just because you don’t get it. You don’t have to. Pray for; don’t prey upon. The first is beneficial. The second makes you a part of the problem.
___
It never fails. Every year, I find myself saying to someone I know that by the end of the 12-month cycle, some people are going to leave this earth who will catch me off guard. Gail Loress certainly wins that award in flying colors for 2025 (she even wrote a song in preparation for that moment: “When I Get Home” and yes, it is her singing it).
And yet, I am at peace. Sometimes I wear T-shirts that have my parents’ wedding announcement or wedding picture on them (not sure how thrilled they would be but…they should’ve thought about that before having me…just sayin’ — LOL). Because of the way she left the States 30 years ago, I have some generational art and evidence of her entertainment world accomplishments at my reach. Hell, I look in the mirror sometimes and see her staring right back at me or I will look at my hands as I am typing and be taken aback by the fact that they are just like hers and her own mother’s.
Being estranged doesn’t make you unaware. If anything, it makes you more sensitive to what’s around you and how you move in that energy than ever.
Her firstborn, born two days after her 24th birthday. Pretty sure neither one of us thought that things would end quite in the way that they did. Yet I do think that one day God will explain to her (if he hasn’t already) that sometimes, things don’t go as planned and yet they do work out for the best — because if it is what will ultimately bring spiritual growth and purpose fulfillment, mission has been accomplished.
Did I love my mother? No doubt. Liked a lot about her too.
Were things complex? You have no idea.
Am I at peace with my decision? Yes, I am. Violently so. Just as she’s always said.
A mother knows her child, after all.
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Featured image owned by Shellie R. Warren
RELATED
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
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Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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