Ever since I started (regularly) writing for the platform, at the beginning of each new year, I try my best to come up with a few things that people can do in their bedroom to make their future sexual experiences even better than the ones they’ve had before. Because even though the overall concept of sex has never changed, there are always little “tweaks” that can be made along the way that can make things more exciting, more lust-filled, and more thoroughly satisfying.
Although sometimes I go the sex trends route, this year only contains one of those (and even it is something that isn’t “new”; it’s just become more popular). Instead, I decided to share 10 small things that can make a big impact, from start to finish, during sex, if you’re willing to give them a shot.
And please, give each one some serious consideration. They could be the game-changer that you’ve been looking for all this time.
1. Use Purple Light Bulbs
Give your bedroom a sexy upgrade with purple lightbulbs.
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Recently, while reading an article on how to give bedroom decor a sexy upgrade, it mentioned that if you don’t like red (which symbolizes things like love, passion, and romance), black and dark purple can work as well.
Purple, eh? While a lot of you probably know that it’s a hue that represents royalty, it also symbolizes femininity, creativity, and spirituality. Plus, the crown chakra, which is your head, is also known as the purple one — and since your brain is the biggest sex organ that you have…why not see purple as a super sexy color? It’s also pretty dope that purple is considered to be a “highly spiritual hue” that intensifies feelings of self-awareness and unity. Not to mention that it’s a color that can make you feel very sensual too (think the late and great artist Prince; he wore purple often).
So, if you want to intensify your sexual experiences, my first recommendation would be to switch over from candlelight every once in a while and rely on a purple light bulb instead. It looks hella good on Black skin tones; plus, it helps to evoke all kinds of erotic thoughts — in the easiest way possible.
2. Eat More L-Arginine Foods
L-arginine foods have been touted for their ability to give stronger erections.
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Whether your partner struggles a bit with erectile dysfunction or you simply want him to have stronger erections, make this the year when you’re intentional about him getting more L-arginine foods into his system.
Long story short, L-arginine is an amino acid that helps to build protein and increase proper blood circulation throughout the body, including the genital region; the benefit of that is that the more blood that’s flowing down below, the more amazing your orgasms will feel. While you can take it as a supplement, foods like red meat, poultry, whole grains, beans, pumpkin seeds, peanuts, and dairy can get you right in this department as well.
3. Play a Round of “Dirty Questions”
Asking your partner stimulating questions is a great way to add a little foreplay to your day.
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What position do you like to feel me in the most?
What word do you like to hear when you first penetrate me?
How can you tell when you’ve hit my spot?
Do you like it most when I whisper, moan, or yell?
What’s the thing that you wish I would do more often? Describe it in detail.
How can I please you more?
What fantasy do you want me to fulfill?
If you’re squirming around in your own seat by just reading the questions, think about how he’ll feel being asked them. So, whether you decide to send a few “dirty questions” in the form of a text, you randomly call him while he’s at work and tell him not to say anything while you ask these things in your sexiest voice, or you decide to start off foreplay this way — you know what they say: wisdom comes in the questions far more than the answers. Ask him a few stimulating questions and ask him to return the favor. It’s one of the best ways to get a night of passion ignited before one of you touches the other at all.
4. Do More Initiating
Everyone wants to feel desired. Initiating intimacy is a game-changer in bringing that fantasy to life.
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I’ve been working with couples for close to two decades at this point, and when it comes to what easily 80 percent of the men have told me that they wished happened more in the bedroom is that their partner would initiate sex more often. I get why, too, because even if sex is bomb once it gets going, everyone wants to feel desired — and initiating intimacy plays a significant role in making that wish a reality. Besides, the word “initiate” doesn’t just mean to begin something; you can also initiate by introducing a certain topic or level of knowledge to another individual too.
You know what? I can’t think of one man who wouldn’t thoroughly enjoy being a student of his sex partner when it comes to learning about new positions, creative places to have sex, and whatever else your imagination (and maybe a bit of Googling on the topic of sex) can conjure up. So yeah, definitely make it a priority to initiate sex more often than you currently do…the more energy you give, the more you will receive. Just you watch.
5. Incorporate Shallowing into Your Foreplay
Your most intense vaginal nerve endings are two inches in your vaginal opening. Shallowing gives new meaning to that sensation.
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If you put “sexual trends 2024” into the search field of your favorite search engine, I’d be shocked if “shallowing” didn’t come up in half of the articles that you read.
If you’ve never heard of it before, it’s when your partner uses his tongue, fingers, penis, or a sex toy of your choice to gently caress only the outer part of your vagina. Kinda like how back in the day, we used to joke about guys who asked if they could only “put the tip in”? This is that. The sensation is like edging on steroids because, contrary to popular belief, no woman needs a big package in order to be sexually satisfied or even (pun intended) ful-filled.
Your most intense vaginal nerve endings are 2” in from your vaginal opening, and so if your partner can master that area (along with your clitoris), you should be good to go…on a few different levels.
6. Get Your Shibari On
If you're curious about BDSM, Shibari might be a great initiation.
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If you’ve been finding yourself becoming more and more curious about BDSM, but you want to inch your way into it rather than dive all in at once, how about learning more about Shibari? It’s a form of Japanese rope bondage that simply consists of using (comfortable) ropes to tie your partner up. Now, for the record, this isn’t just about using a pair of handcuffs and calling it a day. Shibari experiments with tying different parts of the body up in different positions to see what kind of sexual pleasure comes from it.
And what if you’ve never considered bondage sex play before, and you don’t get why anyone would? There are plenty of studies to support that the feeling of empowerment that comes from the one who is doing the typing up mixed with the feeling of complete vulnerability from the one who is in the bondage cultivates an exchange of excitement that can elevate the entire sexual experience overall.
By the way, I don’t recommend you go to your local hardware store to get the rope. There is something that is designed specifically for Shibari. One example is located here.
7. Do Some “Sandpapering” with the Help of Minty Gum
Want to get better at giving head? Sandpapering could be that method.
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You know what’s a trip? Whenever I talk to men and women about a sexual gripe that they have with their partner, it’s a constant that they want to receive better head. Listen, I get it because it’s certainly not a given that just because somebody’s mouth is on someone else’s genitalia that earth-shattering orgasms are on their way. As far as men go, my recommendation would be to do some sandpapering.
Yeah, as “ouch” as that might sound, all it means (as far as oral sex goes) is that you focus on flattening your tongue on the tip (and right under the tip) of his penis as you move your tongue back and forth as if you were literally trying to sandpaper something. The texture of your tastebuds will provide an amazing sensation — especially if you chew some minty gum first.
What role does the gum play? Not only will gum help to build more saliva in your mouth (which men damn near lose their minds over!), the minty sensation will make it easier for him to climax too. Chile…CHILE.
8. Experiment with a Metal Spoon
Who knew a key to unlocking new levels of pleasure in the bedroom was a metal spoon?
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There are certain things that you have right in your house that you can use as an expensive sex toy alternative. Believe it or not, one of them is a metal spoon. If you apply some lube or a carrier oil like carrot seed, sweet almond, or vitamin E to it after warming it up with the palm of your hands a bit and then rub it across your clitoris and labia, the sensation of the spoon will provide a unique pressure as the wetness of the lubricant or oil will end up making you that much…wetter.
9. Treat Him Like a Rocking Chair
"Woman on top" isn't a crowd pleaser for nothing.
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If you were to get a group of women together and you asked them what their favorite sex position was, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if at least half of them said it was the cowgirl — you know, when the woman is on top. A big part of the reason why it’s such a fan favorite is it gives the woman the ability to control the amount of penetration she receives and how slow or fast she actually wants things to go. Take things up a notch this year by doing the position in a chair…better yet, a rocking chair.
The fact that the both of you will be sitting up makes it easier for him to grasp all of your erogenous zones, it can help your clitoris to grind better on his shaft, and the movement of the rocking chair will give you some unexpected feelings of thrusting and stimulation. Yeah, a rocking chair is a must-have in 2024, for sure.
10. Slow and Steady Wins the Race
Sex is about shutting the world out and enjoying each other.
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“Mindfulness” is a word that you’re going to see everywhere this year. It’s about slowing down. It’s about being fully present. It’s about focusing on the moment — not what happened 30 minutes ago or what will happen 30 minutes from now. When you bring this type of mindset into the bedroom, it can only work in your favor because, real talk, a big part of the reason why women don’t get to “see the mountaintop” as far as sexual pleasure goes is that they are overthinking. Sex with your partner is not supposed to make you feel like you’re getting graded on a test in school. It’s about the two of you shutting the world out for a few moments (or a couple of hours) and just…enjoying each other.
So, take the devices out of your room. Do not worry about the time. Slow down and just be…there with him. Shoot, if you apply the other things that I mentioned to this final point, you should be in for one hell of a night if you do. #wink
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Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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