If you’ve checked out my byline here, even for a little while, you have probably caught on to the fact that I thoroughly enjoy researching random information (I get it from my daddy). For instance, I can’t explain what exactly prompted the search but, not too long ago, I was curious about what place is currently considered to be the sexiest in the world. It’s actually one of my favorite cities — London (NY and LA are in the top 10). That got me to looking up some of the sexiest hotels in the world as well (some ones in general are here and here; some cool Black-owned joints are here). And that got me to wondering about currently popular sexual trends — you know, stuff that is super popular in the realm of all things sexual activity right now.
Let’s just say that when it comes to 2023, they pretty much run the gamut. Anyway, if you have a natural curiosity for random intel like I do, here are 12 sex-related things that could make coitus even better in your neck of the woods.
1. Sex Outside of the Bedroom
GiphyRecently, while in a session with some married clients, a wife helped to prove a point that I’ve been making, on repeat, for a few years now — a lot of people are leaving their marriage, not due to abuse or cheating but sheer boredom. Because as shallow as that sounds, when things become tedious, they can almost start to feel almost like torture. Sex is not exempt here either.
That said, let’s not act like the reason why most of us prefer to have sex in a bed is because, when the bed/mattress is hella comfortable, it makes getting into (and out of) positions so much easier; plus, falling asleep right after is super convenient in that spot. However, if you want to spice things up, getting out of the bed can be a wise move.
Some current favorite spots (according to what I’ve read and some folks that I’ve interviewed have shared):
- Couches
- Showers
- Hallways
- Dryers (when it’s on)
- Kitchen Counters
- Walk-In Closets
- Work Offices (when no one’s there)
- Tents in Backyards
- Hotel Balconies
- Fitting Rooms
At the very least, this should get your imagination going. So, whatcha gonna try?
2. All-Natural Aphrodisiacs
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that, even though aphrodisiacs have been around since FOR-E-VER, probably until the end of time, folks will debate on if they are actually “real” (as far as their effectiveness goes) or not. Personally, I think that if supplements (which we’ll get into later) can help to give your libido a boost, foods that contain said supplements will probably do the same.
Anyway, something that keeps coming up in sex-related content these days is all-natural aphrodisiacs. Food-wise, I penned a couple of articles for the platform a while back (check out “Eat Your Way To Better Sex With Aphrodisiacs” and “10 In-Season Fall Foods That Are Incredible Aphrodisiacs”). Scent-wise, read “8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last” for a variety of essential oils that can help to take things to another level (especially if you apply them to the right pressure points) too.
3. ASMR Sound Effects
GiphyFor years (and years…and then some more years), I’ve slept in silence and slept just fine. Yet over the past several years, I’ve gone to bed to the sound of rain (YouTube has a ton of channels that will play it for hours on end; just put “rain sounds for sleeping” in the search field) and it has taken my quality of sleep to a whole ‘nother level! From what I’ve read and researched sounds like rain, ocean waves, and even a blowing fan can help you to rest better and more; that’s because certain ASMR sounds activate the part of the brain that releases dopamine and oxytocin — both of which help you to feel calm and more relaxed.
On the sex tip, you might want to crank up some ASMR sounds too because it also helps to decrease your stress levels. Not only that but when your hearing is stimulated in this fashion, it can actually intensify your other senses (sight, taste, smell, and touch).
I mean, a lot of y’all went wild over H.E.R’s song “Damage” and whether you realized it or not, it’s, in part, because she referenced the sexy ass classic “Making Love in the Rain” by Herb Alpert ft. Lisa Keith and Janet Jackson. And doesn’t it now make even more sense that those kinds of songs make sex even better?
Hell, don’t wait for a rainy day. Put on a YouTube video. Do it ASAP too — the sounds and the sex, if you can.
4. Remote-Controlled Vibrators
GiphySince it’s been reported that somewhere around 14 million individuals are in a long-distance relationship, there’s no way that we could talk about sex trends without addressing one that’s growing in popularity among couples who don’t get to see each other as much as they would probably like.
One of them is remote-controlled vibrators. If you’re not familiar, it’s basically a vibrator that can be controlled by someone else. Although the possibilities are clearly — eh hem — endless with this, just make sure to keep in mind that you typically need a strong Wi-Fi signal. Also, you should read as much fine print on the product you’re considering because sometimes there are data and privacy issues.
Don’t let that last point freak you out too much, though. Honestly, these kinds of vibrators have been around for a long while now. Personally, I think the pandemic has brought them back into the sex spotlight. Anyway, Allure (here) and Self (here) did you a solid by providing a list of some of the best ones around. At least do a lil’ bit of window shopping, if you can.
5. Multi-Purpose Lube
GiphyThere used to be a time when people thought that lubrication was pretty much for women who couldn’t get “wet enough.” These days, as folks are getting more creative when it comes to sex, they know that wetter truly is better. That’s why I wrote articles like “If You've Always Wanted A 'Lubricant Cheat Sheet,' Here Ya Go” and “The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant” for the site.
So, when you get a chance, check those out and then determine in your mind that you will invest in a couple of bottles of lube (if you haven’t already). If you’re not sure which brands to go with, a good (no pun intended) entry brand is Astroglide because it’s water-based (which means it will feel natural and won’t compromise condom use or damage your bedding), it’s super affordable and you can find it in just about any drugstore around.
Just for the record, if you like to engage in activities like shower sex (check out “So, This Is How To Make Shower Sex So Much Better”), go with a silicone-based lubricant like Wet Platinum. A water-based lube while you’re in water is not gonna do you much good. Stuff is a lot more slippery with silicone in there.
6. At-Home STI/STD Testing
GiphyWhile I’m over here irritated that so much data supports the fact that ONLY one-third of men use condoms (eye roll), I think that’s why I’m never shocked whenever I see that STI/STDs continue to increase with every passing year (SMDH).
This is why, if you are sexually active, you need to get tested annually (no exceptions). And if you happen to have multiple sex partners, this needs to go from every 12 months to every 3-6 months (no joke).
And what if you “don’t have time”? Yeah, that won’t fly because, these days, you can get tested from the comfort and convenience of your own home (you can read about a list of some of the best that are currently out on the market here). Even though a lot of at-home tests aren’t exactly the cheapest things in the world, nothing is more valuable than your health, so…budget for them. It’s worth it.
7. Menstrubation
GiphyIf you just read this heading and thought it was a typo, I get it. When I first read about it, so did I. Basically, menstrubation is period sex — only with yourself: menstrual masturbation. And why would someone want to do that? Well, the reality is that it’s not so much the sex (or touching) itself that helps bring menstrual pain-related relief but the orgasms that can come from it.
According to science, when we climax, it causes a burst of endorphins that can ease uterine discomfort. Some say that it can even be just as, if not more, effective than ibuprofen. The more you know, chile. The more you know.
8. (Black) Sex Influencers
GiphyCurrently, I’m getting certified to go another level in my life coaching work. One of the classes that I tiptoe in sometimes explores all things sensuality. While one of the other students and I were discussing the class (well, actually the instructor), we both talked about how surprising it was to learn that something as simple as breathing deeply can totally change how you feel about your looks, your sexuality and how you cope with stress.
That’s a big part of the reason why I personally think that, no matter how conservative or totally-out-of-the-box you might be about sex, being open to listening to a sex educator or influencer could prove to be beneficial on some level — and when it comes to our particular platform (and who it serves), particularly if they’re Black. Because if there’s one thing that the majority of us participate in, in some way, it’s sex. So, the more insights, perspectives, and tips that we’re given in this area, the more the experiences, overall, are able to potentially improve — and who doesn’t want that?
If you’re interested in checking out some sex influencers, last year, BuzzFeed published an article entitled “These 22 Black Sex Educators Are Changing The Way We Think And Talk About Sex” that can serve as a cool starting point.
9. Eco-Friendly Sex Toys
GiphyIt’s pretty much irrefutable that sex toys continue to grow in popularity. In fact, one more report says that by 2026, it will gross close to $55 billion bucks. So, if those are totally your thing and you want to be on-trend, make sure that you go with ones that are good for the environment. This would basically mean sex toys that are made from an ethical standpoint and with vegan ingredients. One company that carries those is The Natural Love Company.
Everyone here’s grown and can do whatever they want. However, while we’re on this topic, I just want to say that I was chatting it up with a friend of mine who said that one of his female friends told him that she had to basically go into detox over one of her vibrators. Why? Basically, because it caused her to orgasm so quickly and consistently that she found herself getting mad at her actual partner.
Yeah, that’s how “too much of a good thing” can turn around and bite you in the ass (no pun intended). While using sex toys to enhance intimacy is one thing, if it’s causing you to have a disconnect from actual human connection, think twice about adding more to your collection.
10. Libido-Inducing Supplements
GiphyA lot of us don’t eat as healthy (or consistently healthy) as we should. That’s just a fact of life. Thankfully, there are things like supplements that can help our systems to get the vitamins and minerals that we’re not receiving from our diet alone.
For whatever the reason, this year, supplements that can help to increase your sex drive are all the rage. Ones that top the list include:
Fenugreek: it increases testosterone levels in both men and women
Maca root: it helps to improve symptoms that are related to erectile dysfunction in men
L-arginine: it expands blood vessels which can give men harder and longer erections and intensify orgasms for women
Vitamin D: it can decrease vaginal dryness; especially in menopausal women
Saffron: it can improve your sex drive if you happen to be on an antidepressant
Magnesium: it can put you in a better mood, so that you can enjoy sex more
Zinc: studies show that a lack of it can result in lower testosterone levels
Those are just for starters yet have enough data to back them to give them a try. Just make sure that if you’re currently on a prescribed medication that you run adding a supplement into your diet by your doctor and that you follow the instructions on the label when it comes to taking them. Supplements can be pretty potent, sometimes not in a good way, if you’re not careful.
11. Emotional Intimacy
GiphyI live in Nashville (shout-out to Music City!) and so, I’ve been making it a point to try and entertain — although on some levels, it feels more like tolerate — the current season of Married At First Sight. Airris? Yeah…AIRRIS. I actually know some people who know him and they’ve been able to give me some insight on why it seems like he only has two channels: arrogance and horniness (and Twitter’s been letting him have it for it too).
Anyway, I didn’t even need to know the late bloomer scoop to catch that he hasn’t even begun to know how great sex can actually be because not only (according to him) has he never been in love before, he seems to not establish the greatest emotional connections with his sex partners either.
I hate that for him because, even the guys I know personally who are, let’s just say, quite active in these streets, they will vouch for the fact that sex is so much more fulfilling when it’s with someone you are emotionally connected to. And just for the record, let me run down seven signs that an emotional connection — mutually so — actually exists between two people:
- A strong chemistry is mutually there
- You know each other beyond the surface level
- You are open to meeting each other’s needs (not just in the bedroom either)
- There’s some sort of friendship established
- You enjoy each other’s company (even outside of sex)
- You’re consistently curious about each other
- Reciprocity is present
With articles and videos touching on the fact that hookup culture is getting really old (even I once wrote about how I’m not a fan of casual sex based on what “casual” actually and literally means; you can read it here), perhaps we’re seeing a turning of the tide. Maybe we’re remembering that sex is fun yet it can also be something special that transpires between two people. Hmm…just maybe.
12. Sexual Mindfulness
GiphyLast one. In the holistic wellness space, a word that comes up pretty consistently is “mindfulness.” The simplest way to define what it means to be mindful is you’re intentional about doing whatever is necessary to stay in the moment, be self-aware, and stay almost hyper-conscious of what’s around you.
If you really let all of this sink in, it makes perfect sense that sexual mindfulness would be quite effective and beneficial when it comes to sex because, the more in tune you are with your own body, your partner, and the space that’s around you, all without overly concerning yourself about time, that can make for a much more intense and satisfying sexual experience.
So, how can you do things that will make you more sexually mindful? When it comes to yourself, sex journaling (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”) and vaginal mapping (check out “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey”) are great starting points. When it comes to amplifying sexual mindfulness with your partner, orgasmic meditation (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”) is a powerful way to go.
Whatever you choose, try and slow down, get still and really take each other in without any electronics around. Being fully “in” with your partner can tap you into an energy field that will take sex to a whole ‘nother level. Yeah…out of all of the sex trends for this year, this might be the best one. #wink
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
A couple of weeks ago, I found myself rewatching two things. The first was the movieThe Pass, which was executive-produced by Todd Tucker and Kandi Burruss (it was actually pretty well done if you haven’t seen it. Personally, I’ve come to really enjoy Rob Riley and Blue Kimble as actors over the years. Also, Erica Peeples was a very sexy thang in it, and it’s always good to see the resurgence of Drew Si-dor-a on the acting front).
The other was binge-watching Insecure. Y’all, Molly really wore me out (if you know you know), yet that really was such a well-done show; going back and experiencing it all over again solidifies that as a fact for me (especially the music. Salute).
Anyway, if you were a diehard fan, you may recall the last episode of the second season of Insecure, where Issa, Molly, and Lawrence each had some growth and ah-ha moments that were featured. Towards the end of it, Issa imagined Lawrence proposing, and the song that played in the background was Daniel Caesar’s “Blessed.”
In the bridge, he continues to say, “I’m coming back home to you…I’m coming home” — and that got me to thinking about the many times when someone has actually asked me how they can know if someone shows the outstanding potential of being “their one.” Oftentimes, my answer has been that it’s when you feel as if they are home for you.
A home isn’t just a place of residence. As you’re about to see, in just a moment, a home means so much more than that. So, if you’re looking for signs and/or confirmation that your heart has indeed found its own home in the form of a partner, keep the quote by American journalist Helen Rowland in mind (“Home is any four walls that enclose the right person.”) as I try to provide a bit of clarity for you.
Like Luther Once Sang, "A House Is Not a Home."
Unsplash
I don’t know about you, but I can’t believe that next year marks the 20th year of when R&B singer Luther Vandross died. Keeping that in mind, I guess it’s fitting that a documentary about his life will be coming out this season. And although I think my all-time favorite song by him is “For You to Love” (the real ones know), it’s undeniable that one of his classics is “A House Is Not a Home.”
A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there
But a chair is not a house and a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight
And no one there you can kiss goodnight
Now, before going deeper, as a single woman whose own mother said that my place (that burned down a few years back) was quite cozy (I have made sure to replicate that feeling in my new space, too), I will be the first to say that you can cultivate a home environment even if you don’t have a bae. In fact, so long as you love yourself and it’s genuine, you will always be in great company, even if no one else is around you.
However, for the sake of today’s topic, I am going to focus on romantic relationships — and yes, a home is a lot more homey (comfortable, pleasant, restful) when you’ve got someone who truly loves you to share your space with.
That’s a part of the reason why this crazy ass transactional dating era that we are currently in is so, hell, I’m gonna go with the word “vile” to me. If you ask me, obsessing over choosing an individual who can’t — or won’t — do much more than give you a lot of things low-key sounds like someone who struggles with having a scarcity mindset.
Although one way that a scarcity mindset manifests itself in relationships is by settling just so that you can have someone in your life, the other side of the coin is you’re so focused on avoiding (or getting out of) lack that it consumes you and so, in relationships, you can’t seem to really build anything solid because all you want to make sure of is you have a lot of…stuff.
This is exactly how many people in relationships end up with a nice house, and yet they still feel very lonely because there isn’t a true connection. And so, as a direct result, their house never really ends up feeling like it’s an actual home — the place where someone can (definitions of home) feel “at ease,” “at rest” and (dig this one) “in one’s element.”
In one’s element. How dope is that? I say that because, if you look at the Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of in one’s element, it means that you are “in a place or situation where one is comfortable and does well.” Did you catch that?
Although I will be the first to say that rom-coms need to be embraced with balance, whenever you hear a character say that someone is their home, whether they realize it or not, they are saying that their relationship with that individual provides a dynamic when they are able to feel completely comfortable, so that they are able to do well — to flourish, to grow, to thrive. Can a house do this? Eh. Can a home? Definitely.
So yeah, if you’re going to give someone the distinct honor and pleasure of calling them “your home,” what you’re basically saying is they have an uncanny way of making you feel completely comfortable (content, undisturbed, healthy, happy, pleased, relaxed and satisfied) AND that they seem to cultivate an environment that helps you to truly succeed.
So…if you are currently seeing or are with someone, can you honestly give them the title of being your home? And, if you’re not in a relationship (yet you want to be), do you have a standard of not settling until you can fully and honestly call someone…your home?
Let’s keep going…
A Sanctuary Maker Is a Top-Tier Woman
Unsplash
I have plans for the term “sanctuary maker,” so much so that I have several T-shirts, hoodies, and pieces of jewelry with the phrase on it. The backstory is, that I’ve always been fond of seeing a woman as a sanctuary ever since an ex-boyfriend introduced me to the concept of setting the standard of requiring that in a relationship.
What I mean by that is, that he used to tell me that a woman should be her man’s sanctuary — and I have absolutely no problem with that. Because I am a complementarian, especially in a marital setting, if a man is providing and protecting, a woman being a place of refuge (which is what a sanctuary is), seems like a beautiful complement.
I especially dig this as a Black woman because, by definition, both a home and a sanctuary are a place of refuge, and refuge is all about being “shelter or protection from danger, trouble, etc.” and “anything to which one has recourse for aid, relief, or escape.”
I mean, all you need to do is read articles like The Guardian’s “'It’s like we're seen as animals': black men on their vulnerability and resilience” or The Vox’s “Study: people see black men as larger and more threatening than similarly sized white men” and get that it’s not an exaggeration that Black American men are in their own war zone whenever they step out of their front door; that’s why, to me, if there is any place where they should feel completely at ease, it’s in their house…a place that we, as women, have an impeccable way of being able to turn into a home.
This is actually a huge part of the reason why I tracked down Christiana Sabino and wrote her love story earlier this year (check out “Viral Sensation Christiana Sabino Is Using 'Pure Black Love' To Build Her Brand”) — if you’re familiar with her platform,she features videos with soothing music where she’s nurturing her partner. He provides. She nurtures.
Together, they invite us into a sacred space that says, “We can’t control what happens outside of these walls, yet we certainly can determine what goes on within them” and what they display is such a calm, tranquil, beautiful…sanctuary. Who wouldn’t want to come home to a place and space that is similar to it?
For me, even as a single woman, I have a sanctuary. Soy scented candles. Twinkle lights. Cable knit blankets. Big throw pillows. Blackout curtains. Nature sounds. INTERNAL PEACE. My friends tease me about how much I like being at home — because it is indeed a home. A sanctuary. My own place of refuge. A self-cultivated space where I feel serene and safe…and I created all of it. Like I said, women can master this in a way that is truly incomparable. How could you not agree?
So, are you a sanctuary maker? If so, how? If not…why not?
If You Don’t Feel Completely Safe, in Every Way, You Ain’t at Home, Sis
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Did you peep how I said that my home is a place where I feel safe? I’m telling you, especially since around my early 30s, something that has become a big deal to me is only surrounding myself with people, places, things, and ideas that are SAFE.
Safe: secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk; involving little or no risk of mishap, error, etc.; dependable or trustworthy
Synonyms: intact, protected, snug, cherished, guarded, maintained, preserved, shieled, tended, out of harm’s way, undamaged, unscathed
Recently, while reading an article on PEOPLE's website, actor Uzo Aduba said this about her husband: “He made me feel safe. I felt safe to be all of myself around him — not the best of myself, all of myself, my frailties, my vulnerabilities, my weak, ugly parts. I felt safe enough to show him that. And when he saw it, he still loved me. I never, and still never, doubted that he loved me.’”
I’ve got a girlfriend right now who can’t seem to let go of a guy who has revealed himself to be an unsafe person on so many levels. Interestingly enough, although she knows this to be true, whenever I point it out, she still finds herself defending him. Because they have a lot of time under their belts, we walked through the different “mile markers” to see if there was a pattern — and there was.
If he wasn’t in some type of drama, he was emotionally erratic, and if he wasn’t emotionally erratic, he was relationally unpredictable.
Does he love her? Based on what he knows about love, I'm sure that he does. Does she love him? Yes, although I wonder if it’s more of an addiction than anything at this point. Yet, is he a SAFE SPACE for her? Based on all of the definitions that I provided, how could he be? And if someone isn’t safe for and to you, how can they be your home?
Home is where, above almost anything else, you should feel holistically safe: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, sexually, financially, relationally…safe. And that’s a big part of the reason why I agree with an Irish novelist by the name of Cecelia Ahern, who once said, “Home isn't a place, it’s a feeling.” If you don’t feel safe with someone, even if you love them, you are not at home. Or, if your house doesn’t feel safe, something is awry.
And sis, you deserve to feel safe — and your partner deserves to feel like they are safe around you. Not either or. BOTH.
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Is this a totally random topic? I mean, perhaps. Still, I hope that now that you’ve reached the end of it, you really do understand that a part of what comes with being in a functional, long-term loving relationship is you are able to declare, without any hesitancy or unsureness, that you can call your partner your “home” because they check all of the boxes that I just mentioned.
And what if they don’t? Well, ask yourself if they should be a part of your life in the way that they are. Because if they’re not your home, why are they “dwelling” with you? If they are not your refuge, your safe place, someone you can be at ease with, and a person who you can articulate where they are helping you to become a better person…why do they deserve to walk through your heart’s door?
Why consider them “home” when they actually…aren’t?
I mean…really.
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Featured image by DMP/Getty Images