The 'F-Word' You Shouldn't Say When It Comes To Sex

Foreplay is a myth...so to speak.

Her Voice

Foreplay is a myth...so to speak. What I mean is that foreplay and sex are synonymous. Sex doesn't have to be penile to vagina, that's just what we've come to recognize it as. Butt sex is sex. Oral sex is sex. Digital (finger) sex and so on. And honestly, this understanding seems to be lost upon many of us despite the language being clear. Yeah, I've peeped the way some of y'all (myself included) neglect to use protection during oral because of the weird way you compartmentalize it as an appetizer but that's not the way it works, especially as it pertains to STIs. So just imagine the mind fuck that comes with the idea that a titty fuck is, in fact, a fuck.Yet, it is. But so are all of those other things that you're accustomed to doing that lead up to your ideation of what sexual intercourse is.

Problem is, we've created so many able-bodied notions and language surrounding sex. This can make it seem difficult to conceptualize how sex can be and often is different things to different people.

Though it seems ironic to both suggest that sex is whatever we want it to be and that we should shift the language around it--just know two things can be true at once and this is one of those instances. And as someone who, at times, resists the ebbs and flows that come with cultural growth and what appears to be sensitivity. I've come to understand and even mention here, that labels and language have a way of either debilitating or boosting our sense of esteem.

The reality is, there are a plethora of disabilities that change the dynamics of sex for people, and in the privileged way that an able-bodied person might do, I hadn't considered these aspects and the way my language might impact others ... until I was speaking to a quadrapalegic. Or a woman suffering from vaginal dyspareunia. Or a fat person. Or a breast cancer survivor. Yeah, it wasn't until then that I was able to begin to reimagine a world where we expanded the way in which we view sex.

(Writer's Note: I've used the language "fat" with the understanding that it is the best language via The Fat Sex Therapist.)

The Language We Use To Define What Sex Is Problematic AF

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You probably have never stopped to consider the sex life of one who is disabled either and though expected, it's far from inclusive and a precursor to prejudice. When no one considers it, nothing is ever challenged because assumptions are made. In this case, it is often simply assumed that disabled bodies transform into asexual beings; or, in the case of disabilities that can't be seen by the naked eye, they may be dismissed by partners as prudes or "bad" sex. Our inability to acknowledge through a small shift in language -- it shows up in healthcare, the (sex) education, the technological advances.

I've seen it firsthand as someone who identifies as a sex educator and works in the world of abortion care! Abortions are general surgical procedures, yet I've seen one too many disabled person(s) come in for a procedure only to be dismissed because our facilities don't account for the fact that disabled people like to "do the nasty" just like the next person because that's all it ever really is when it comes to prejudice. It's a big ole game of "when you assume you make an ass of you and I." Honestly, truly and that's word to Joanne the Scammer.

And generally speaking, the word "foreplay" can take the fun out of sex, making it another form of prioritizing goal-oriented sex.

The Potential Problem With Goal-Oriented Sex

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Which not only speaks to my initial point of considering who it is that we're sleeping with and where they fall on the axis of privilege, but it also sucks the fun out of sex when you add all of these rules. Cause let me tell you, I'm grown as fuck and sometimes I'll take the peace of mind that comes with an old school dry humping and enthussiastic makeout session. But, it blows my mind when I hear adults putting age limits on what qualifies as good, worthy sex...which tends to especially happen when it comes to getting fingered (yet another lovely pastime).

Furthermore, it assumes heteronormity. And fails to acknowledge gay and lesbian sex as sex. As I mentioned early on. There's this weird thing we do where we don't count anal sex as sex, and not only this is by far one of the dangerous games of ignorance we can dare to play. Starting with the pressure placed on girls to remain virginal and thus they opt into anal sex, an act rarely discussed in sex education due to the biases that come with it. This then leaves both children, teens, and adults confused about the need to use protection because of the very intentional dissociation in the language.

And lesbians? They're by far the most creative when it comes to sex, from scissoring to tribbing, fisting, strapping and rimming. But the language we use would have you think they do everything but have sex when again...it's all sex.

But lastly, and I just recently discussed this as well! It's problematic because it centers sex around a goal. Goals are wonderful and we've grown accustomed to them. But it applies the wrong type of pressure--a pressure that makes sex either grossly performative (no one likes a try-hard) or totally disinteresting instead of simply enjoying one another. As long as you and your partner aren't a mismatch when it comes to the overall energy you share towards your pleasure principles, your sex shouldn't have any goal outside of feeling and sharing pleasure.

The Bottom Line Is Feeling Pleasure

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Pleasure is by no means contingent upon any other goals you may have for sex outside of itself and consent. Pleasure isn't synonsymous with orgams, nor is it synonymous with penile to vaginal sex.

And if you think either of those things it may lowkey be why you're having an even more difficult time achieving an orgasm, outside of the pressure you're just plain old doing it wrong. Anatomically speaking, women are far more likely to orgams whent the clitoris is engaged. Now you tell me how a dick hitting your cervix has magically stimulated your clitoris? I didn't think so. But you know what does stimulate a clitoris? Just about every other type of fucking I mentioned in this article. Getting fingered certainly will do it.

I'm comparable to the Christian always shouting "the devil is a lie" in that I'm always and forever shouting that same thing about the patriarchy because baby, they got us confused about our own bodies to the point where we're dismissing the shit that really feels good to us. But I digress.

Bottom line is this: of all the F-words, this is the one we ought to let go of. Drop the foreplay and just fuck how you fuck.

Featured image by Shutterstock

ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.


We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

Featured image by Shutterstock

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