

Foreplay is a myth...so to speak. What I mean is that foreplay and sex are synonymous. Sex doesn't have to be penile to vagina, that's just what we've come to recognize it as. Butt sex is sex. Oral sex is sex. Digital (finger) sex and so on. And honestly, this understanding seems to be lost upon many of us despite the language being clear. Yeah, I've peeped the way some of y'all (myself included) neglect to use protection during oral because of the weird way you compartmentalize it as an appetizer but that's not the way it works, especially as it pertains to STIs. So just imagine the mind fuck that comes with the idea that a titty fuck is, in fact, a fuck.Yet, it is. But so are all of those other things that you're accustomed to doing that lead up to your ideation of what sexual intercourse is.
Problem is, we've created so many able-bodied notions and language surrounding sex. This can make it seem difficult to conceptualize how sex can be and often is different things to different people.
Though it seems ironic to both suggest that sex is whatever we want it to be and that we should shift the language around it--just know two things can be true at once and this is one of those instances. And as someone who, at times, resists the ebbs and flows that come with cultural growth and what appears to be sensitivity. I've come to understand and even mention here, that labels and language have a way of either debilitating or boosting our sense of esteem.
The reality is, there are a plethora of disabilities that change the dynamics of sex for people, and in the privileged way that an able-bodied person might do, I hadn't considered these aspects and the way my language might impact others ... until I was speaking to a quadrapalegic. Or a woman suffering from vaginal dyspareunia. Or a fat person. Or a breast cancer survivor. Yeah, it wasn't until then that I was able to begin to reimagine a world where we expanded the way in which we view sex.
(Writer's Note: I've used the language "fat" with the understanding that it is the best language via The Fat Sex Therapist.)
The Language We Use To Define What Sex Is Problematic AF
You probably have never stopped to consider the sex life of one who is disabled either and though expected, it's far from inclusive and a precursor to prejudice. When no one considers it, nothing is ever challenged because assumptions are made. In this case, it is often simply assumed that disabled bodies transform into asexual beings; or, in the case of disabilities that can't be seen by the naked eye, they may be dismissed by partners as prudes or "bad" sex. Our inability to acknowledge through a small shift in language -- it shows up in healthcare, the (sex) education, the technological advances.
I've seen it firsthand as someone who identifies as a sex educator and works in the world of abortion care! Abortions are general surgical procedures, yet I've seen one too many disabled person(s) come in for a procedure only to be dismissed because our facilities don't account for the fact that disabled people like to "do the nasty" just like the next person because that's all it ever really is when it comes to prejudice. It's a big ole game of "when you assume you make an ass of you and I." Honestly, truly and that's word to Joanne the Scammer.
And generally speaking, the word "foreplay" can take the fun out of sex, making it another form of prioritizing goal-oriented sex.
The Potential Problem With Goal-Oriented Sex
Which not only speaks to my initial point of considering who it is that we're sleeping with and where they fall on the axis of privilege, but it also sucks the fun out of sex when you add all of these rules. Cause let me tell you, I'm grown as fuck and sometimes I'll take the peace of mind that comes with an old school dry humping and enthussiastic makeout session. But, it blows my mind when I hear adults putting age limits on what qualifies as good, worthy sex...which tends to especially happen when it comes to getting fingered (yet another lovely pastime).
Furthermore, it assumes heteronormity. And fails to acknowledge gay and lesbian sex as sex. As I mentioned early on. There's this weird thing we do where we don't count anal sex as sex, and not only this is by far one of the dangerous games of ignorance we can dare to play. Starting with the pressure placed on girls to remain virginal and thus they opt into anal sex, an act rarely discussed in sex education due to the biases that come with it. This then leaves both children, teens, and adults confused about the need to use protection because of the very intentional dissociation in the language.
And lesbians? They're by far the most creative when it comes to sex, from scissoring to tribbing, fisting, strapping and rimming. But the language we use would have you think they do everything but have sex when again...it's all sex.
But lastly, and I just recently discussed this as well! It's problematic because it centers sex around a goal. Goals are wonderful and we've grown accustomed to them. But it applies the wrong type of pressure--a pressure that makes sex either grossly performative (no one likes a try-hard) or totally disinteresting instead of simply enjoying one another. As long as you and your partner aren't a mismatch when it comes to the overall energy you share towards your pleasure principles, your sex shouldn't have any goal outside of feeling and sharing pleasure.
The Bottom Line Is Feeling Pleasure
Pleasure is by no means contingent upon any other goals you may have for sex outside of itself and consent. Pleasure isn't synonsymous with orgams, nor is it synonymous with penile to vaginal sex.
And if you think either of those things it may lowkey be why you're having an even more difficult time achieving an orgasm, outside of the pressure you're just plain old doing it wrong. Anatomically speaking, women are far more likely to orgams whent the clitoris is engaged. Now you tell me how a dick hitting your cervix has magically stimulated your clitoris? I didn't think so. But you know what does stimulate a clitoris? Just about every other type of fucking I mentioned in this article. Getting fingered certainly will do it.
I'm comparable to the Christian always shouting "the devil is a lie" in that I'm always and forever shouting that same thing about the patriarchy because baby, they got us confused about our own bodies to the point where we're dismissing the shit that really feels good to us. But I digress.
Bottom line is this: of all the F-words, this is the one we ought to let go of. Drop the foreplay and just fuck how you fuck.
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'Sistas' Star Skyh Black On The Power Of Hypnotherapy & Emotional Vulnerability For Men
In this insightful episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Sistas star Skyh Black, as he opened up about his journey of emotional growth, resilience, and self-discovery. The episode touches on emotional availability, self-worth, masculinity, and the importance of therapy in overcoming personal struggles.
Skyh Black on Emotional Availability & Love
On Emotional Availability & Vulnerability
“My wife and I wouldn't be where we are today if both of us weren't emotionally available,” he shared about his wife and Sistas co-star KJ Smith, highlighting the value of vulnerability and emotional openness in a relationship. His approach to masculinity stands in contrast to the traditional, stoic ideals. Skyh is not afraid to embrace softness as part of his emotional expression.
On Overcoming Self-Doubt & Worthiness Issues
Skyh reflected on the self-doubt and worthiness issues that he struggled with, especially early in his career. He opens up about his time in Los Angeles, living what he calls the “LA struggle story”—in a one-bedroom with three roommates—and being homeless three times over the span of 16 years. “I always had this self-sabotaging thought process,” Skyh said. “For me, I feel therapy is essential, period. I have a regular therapist and I go to a hypnotherapist.”
How Therapy Helped Him Heal From Self-Doubt
On Hypnotherapy & Empowering Self-Acceptance
Skyh’s journey is a testament to the power of tapping into self-development despite life’s struggles and being open to growth. “I had to submit to the fact that God was doing good in my life, and that I'm worthy of it. I had a worthiness issue and I did not realize that. So, that’s what the hypnotherapy did. It brought me back to the core. What is wrong so that I can fix it?”
Watch the full podcast episode below:
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Quinta Brunson Gets Real About Divorce, Boundaries & Becoming
Quinta Brunson is the woman who chooses herself, even when the world is watching. And in her June 30 cover story for Bustle, she gives us a rare glimpse into the soft, centered place she's navigating her life from now. From leading one of television's most beloved series in the last decade to quietly moving through life shifts, the creator of Abbott Elementary is walking through a personal evolution and doing so with intention, grace, and a firm grip on her boundaries.
Back in March, the 35-year-old filed for divorce from Kevin Jay Anik after nearly three years of marriage, citing "irreconcilable differences." The news hit the headlines of news outlets fast, but Quinta hadn't planned to announce their dissolution to the public so quickly.
Quinta Brunson On Divorce, Public Scrutiny & Sacred Boundaries
"I remember seeing people be like, ‘She announced her divorce,’" she told Bustle. “I didn’t announce anything. I think people have this idea that people in the public eye want the public to know their every move. None of us do. I promise you. No one wants [everyone] to know when you buy a house, when you move, when a major change happens in your personal life. It’s just that that’s public record information."
In regards to her private moves becoming tabloid fodder, Quinta continued, "I hated that. I hate all of it."
"I Am An Artist First": Quinta On Cutting Her Hair & Reclaiming Herself
Still, the diminutive phenom holds her crown high in the face of change and is returning to the essence of who she is, especially as an artist. "Cutting my hair reminded me that I am an artist first. I want to feel things. I want to make choices. I want to be a person, and not just stuck in having to be a certain way for business." It's giving sacred rebirth. It's giving self-liberation. It's especially giving main character energy.
And while the headlines keep spinning their narratives, the one that Quinta is focused on is her own. For her, slowing down and nourishing herself in ways that feed her is what matters. "It’s a transitional time. I think it’s true for me and my personal life, and it’s how I feel about myself, my career, and the world," Quinta shared with Bustle. “I feel very serious about focusing on watering my own gardens, taking care of myself and the people around me who I actually interact with day-to-day."
That includes indulging in simple rituals that ground her like "making myself a meal" which has become "really, really important to me."
That spirit of agency doesn't stop at the personal. In her professional world, as the creator, executive producer, and lead actress of the critically-acclaimed Abbott Elementary, Quinta understands the weight her choices carry, both on- and off-screen. She revealed to Bustle, "People used to tell me at the beginning of this that the No. 1 on the call sheet sets the tone, and the producer sets the tone — and I’m both of those roles."
She continued, "I understand now, after doing this for four years, how important it was that I set the tone that I did when we first started."
Quinta doesn't just lead, she understands the importance of curating the energy of any space she enters. Even amid a season of shifts and shedding, her power speaks loudly. Sometimes that power looks like quiet resistance. Sometimes that power is soft leadership.
And sometimes that power looks like cutting your hair and taking back your name in rooms that have forgotten you were an artist long before you were a brand.
Read Quinta's cover story on Bustle here to witness the fullness of Quinta's becoming.
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