Foreplay is a myth...so to speak. What I mean is that foreplay and sex are synonymous. Sex doesn't have to be penile to vagina, that's just what we've come to recognize it as. Butt sex is sex. Oral sex is sex. Digital (finger) sex and so on. And honestly, this understanding seems to be lost upon many of us despite the language being clear. Yeah, I've peeped the way some of y'all (myself included) neglect to use protection during oral because of the weird way you compartmentalize it as an appetizer but that's not the way it works, especially as it pertains to STIs. So just imagine the mind fuck that comes with the idea that a titty fuck is, in fact, a fuck.Yet, it is. But so are all of those other things that you're accustomed to doing that lead up to your ideation of what sexual intercourse is.
Problem is, we've created so many able-bodied notions and language surrounding sex. This can make it seem difficult to conceptualize how sex can be and often is different things to different people.
Though it seems ironic to both suggest that sex is whatever we want it to be and that we should shift the language around it--just know two things can be true at once and this is one of those instances. And as someone who, at times, resists the ebbs and flows that come with cultural growth and what appears to be sensitivity. I've come to understand and even mention here, that labels and language have a way of either debilitating or boosting our sense of esteem.
The reality is, there are a plethora of disabilities that change the dynamics of sex for people, and in the privileged way that an able-bodied person might do, I hadn't considered these aspects and the way my language might impact others ... until I was speaking to a quadrapalegic. Or a woman suffering from vaginal dyspareunia. Or a fat person. Or a breast cancer survivor. Yeah, it wasn't until then that I was able to begin to reimagine a world where we expanded the way in which we view sex.
(Writer's Note: I've used the language "fat" with the understanding that it is the best language via The Fat Sex Therapist.)
The Language We Use To Define What Sex Is Problematic AF
lesbian french kiss GIFGiphyYou probably have never stopped to consider the sex life of one who is disabled either and though expected, it's far from inclusive and a precursor to prejudice. When no one considers it, nothing is ever challenged because assumptions are made. In this case, it is often simply assumed that disabled bodies transform into asexual beings; or, in the case of disabilities that can't be seen by the naked eye, they may be dismissed by partners as prudes or "bad" sex. Our inability to acknowledge through a small shift in language -- it shows up in healthcare, the (sex) education, the technological advances.
I've seen it firsthand as someone who identifies as a sex educator and works in the world of abortion care! Abortions are general surgical procedures, yet I've seen one too many disabled person(s) come in for a procedure only to be dismissed because our facilities don't account for the fact that disabled people like to "do the nasty" just like the next person because that's all it ever really is when it comes to prejudice. It's a big ole game of "when you assume you make an ass of you and I." Honestly, truly and that's word to Joanne the Scammer.
And generally speaking, the word "foreplay" can take the fun out of sex, making it another form of prioritizing goal-oriented sex.
The Potential Problem With Goal-Oriented Sex
make love sexo GIF by Refinery 29 GIFsGiphyWhich not only speaks to my initial point of considering who it is that we're sleeping with and where they fall on the axis of privilege, but it also sucks the fun out of sex when you add all of these rules. Cause let me tell you, I'm grown as fuck and sometimes I'll take the peace of mind that comes with an old school dry humping and enthussiastic makeout session. But, it blows my mind when I hear adults putting age limits on what qualifies as good, worthy sex...which tends to especially happen when it comes to getting fingered (yet another lovely pastime).
Furthermore, it assumes heteronormity. And fails to acknowledge gay and lesbian sex as sex. As I mentioned early on. There's this weird thing we do where we don't count anal sex as sex, and not only this is by far one of the dangerous games of ignorance we can dare to play. Starting with the pressure placed on girls to remain virginal and thus they opt into anal sex, an act rarely discussed in sex education due to the biases that come with it. This then leaves both children, teens, and adults confused about the need to use protection because of the very intentional dissociation in the language.
And lesbians? They're by far the most creative when it comes to sex, from scissoring to tribbing, fisting, strapping and rimming. But the language we use would have you think they do everything but have sex when again...it's all sex.
But lastly, and I just recently discussed this as well! It's problematic because it centers sex around a goal. Goals are wonderful and we've grown accustomed to them. But it applies the wrong type of pressure--a pressure that makes sex either grossly performative (no one likes a try-hard) or totally disinteresting instead of simply enjoying one another. As long as you and your partner aren't a mismatch when it comes to the overall energy you share towards your pleasure principles, your sex shouldn't have any goal outside of feeling and sharing pleasure.
The Bottom Line Is Feeling Pleasure
dirty mind pleasure GIF by Refinery 29 GIFsGiphyPleasure is by no means contingent upon any other goals you may have for sex outside of itself and consent. Pleasure isn't synonsymous with orgams, nor is it synonymous with penile to vaginal sex.
And if you think either of those things it may lowkey be why you're having an even more difficult time achieving an orgasm, outside of the pressure you're just plain old doing it wrong. Anatomically speaking, women are far more likely to orgams whent the clitoris is engaged. Now you tell me how a dick hitting your cervix has magically stimulated your clitoris? I didn't think so. But you know what does stimulate a clitoris? Just about every other type of fucking I mentioned in this article. Getting fingered certainly will do it.
I'm comparable to the Christian always shouting "the devil is a lie" in that I'm always and forever shouting that same thing about the patriarchy because baby, they got us confused about our own bodies to the point where we're dismissing the shit that really feels good to us. But I digress.
Bottom line is this: of all the F-words, this is the one we ought to let go of. Drop the foreplay and just fuck how you fuck.
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What’s interesting about boredom, though, is a variety of things can be the root cause of it: a lack of interest, no sense of purpose, stress or anxiety or having a short attention span are some of the popular reasons. And that’s why, whenever a couple presents boredom to me, especially sexual boredom, I encourage them to figure out what they mean when they use the word. Knowing that can help to point them in the direction of what they need to do next (seeing a sex therapist might be the way to go — check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”).
Today? Today we’re gonna address another definition of boring: “monotonous or repetitive activities.” What should you do when, what you find to be boring is your partner’s body? It’s not because you don’t love them anymore or even that you don’t still enjoy intimacy with them — it’s just that you are in an exclusive (if you’re dating) or monogamous (if you’re married — check out “Why I Use The Word 'Monogamous' In Marriage And 'Exclusive' In Dating”) dynamic, what do you do when you kind of feel like the visuals are hella predictable which can make intimacy a bit…well, drab?
Listen, just because folks may not talk about it openly, that doesn’t mean that this isn’t a real issue. If it’s something that you’re currently experiencing right now — don’t feel bad or guilty. Sex has seasons just like almost everything in life. The key is to handle this season responsibly. These 10 tips are designed to help you to do that…so that you can get the excitement (of your partner’s body) back into your bedroom again.
1. Dress Up for Dates
GiphyGive pushback if you want to, yet it’s my personal opinion that the pandemic still has a chokehold on a lot of us when it comes to fashion — or the lack thereof. It’s like lockdown had us used to being in PJs and joggers for so long that far too many people are still struggling to actually dress up. That’s a shame too because if you wanna see our people show up and all the way out, put a woman in a little black dress and a man in a tailored suit. WHEW.
And just what does that have to do with today’s topic? Well, think about gifts that you’ve received in the past. What made them more appealing? When someone just handed them to you out of a shopping bag or when they made the time to “dress them up” in some fancy wrapping paper or a gift bag and some pretty tissue paper? Our bodies are similar because, well, just think about it — no matter how often you’ve seen your man with no clothes on, when he’s all dressed up, doesn’t he turn into a level of fine that makes him super sexy and hella appealing again?
That’s why my first tip would be for the two of you to not just go out on dates more than you currently are but to DRESS UP for them too. Seeing how good he looks in his clothes in public can motivate you to want to take them off in private.
2. Schedule a Professional Photoshoot and Post Them in Your Bedroom
GiphySince a fair amount of my friends are entertainment industry folks, they are good for taking professional pictures. No, I don’t mean asking someone to use their phone to capture them while they are on stage. I mean that they schedule a photoshoot with a reputable photographer — and you know what? As much as I see some of these people, I continue to be awed by what photographers can bring out of them…hell, just with the lighting alone.
The same thing can happen for how you see your man. Yep, book a photoshoot — one that consists of consulting with the photographer about what your partner would look best in. Once the shoot is done, go through the pictures, select 1-4 of your faves, blow them up a bit, and then mount or frame them in your bedroom. Walking into the space where you probably have the most sex and seeing him at his best is the type of visual turn-on that is absolutely underrated.
3. Go “All Out Sexy” in the Bedroom
GiphySometimes the truth hurts and if you and your partner have been going to bed looking like who-shot-what, chances are, you’re not bored, what you are is low-key irritated — and you absolutely should be. The reality is most of us spend at least 6-8 hours a night in bed and if someone is in there with us, we should stop acting like they don’t want something appealing to look at. So, this coming weekend, y’all should make some time to hop online and select some attractively seductive sleepwear. It doesn’t always have to be a lace teddy for you or expensive silk boxers for him but damn, at least a really cute tank and booty shorts for you and some boxer briefs that are in your favorite color for him. Sex or not…tease each other a lil’ bit. Visually.
4. Play Around with Lighting
GiphyPersonally, I find myself doing more online shopping and then altering whatever doesn’t fit the way that I like. A part of the reason why I prefer going this route is because the lighting that’s in a lot of stores? Oh, how they suck. Yeah, lighting can really alter our perception of so many things — which is why changing your lighting also makes the list of what you can do if you are in a season of being bored with your partner’s body. See how he looks under candlelight. See how he looks as a “red light special” (shout-out to TLC’s song and visual and how well actor Boris Kodjoe is aging — the real ones know).
LED lights that sync up to music? Those are bomb as well. I’m telling you, I don’t care how much of a “rerun” it might be, a Black man in some cool blue or warm gold lighting is sexy, sexy, sexy…and then some.
5. Use Blindfolds (More Often)
GiphyWhen you get a chance, check out “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever.” Then afterwards, pick up a couple of (more) blindfolds. Part of the reason why blindfolds are such a staple for foreplay (especially) is because, when one of your five senses — sight, touch, hearing, taste, and sound — is subdued, that ends up amplifying the other four that remain (more on that in a bit). And chile, when you’re blindfolded during sex, not only does it increase anticipation about whatever is coming your way, but it can also help your imagination to run wild — and that can be quite the aphrodisiac.
6. Give Erotic Massages
GiphyWhen it comes to sex, specifically, something that I appreciate about the art of the massage is it encourages people to focus on not-so-common parts of the body (a common one? Check out “Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage”). For instance, sensual massages are all about slowing down and using your hands to not only focus on one part/area of someone else’s body but to do some exploring too.
And even though the main purpose of an erotic massage is to touch the parts of your partner that will turn them on, it’s still a massage that is all about touching lightly, using body parts other than your hands, and exploring new ways to turn your partner on. Since giving a massage is a way to encourage you to exercise a bit of restraint, that can “build you up” to have the desire to indulge in your partner’s body more — whether you’ve experienced it dozens of times before or not.
7. Explore Other Erogenous Zones
Giphy“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” isn’t exactly a motto that I would recommend for the bedroom. The main reason why is because, if you’re not careful, it can cause you to become pretty lazy on the sexual tip — and that is never good. That being said if you’re at the point where you’re feeling a bit bored with your partner’s body, this (probably) means that you both have learned “which buttons to push” when it comes to sexually pleasing one another.
And that means it’s time to explore some new territory. If you already know their favorite erogenous zones, determine in your mind to learn some different ones — some “uncharted territory,” if you will. Healthline once published an article that said there are a little over 30 different ones out here. Can you honestly say that you’ve tested each and every one of those out? C’mon now.
8. Focus on Your Other Four Senses
GiphyLooking at your partner’s body only covers one of the five senses: sight. Okay, but what efforts are you putting into hearing, touching, tasting, and smelling? For hearing, how’s y’all’s dirty talk game been lately? Touch? Bring in different sex toys and fabrics to see what can cultivate new sensations. Tasting? Well, read “12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious” and then try something new.
Smell? Scents that have been proven to be sexually arousing include jasmine, vanilla, rose, sandalwood, patchouli, cinnamon, and a blend of pumpkin and lavender (especially if they’re placed in erogenous-zoned spots). Honing in on the other senses can make you appreciate sight more. Try it. I think that you will like it.
9. Think of Their “Best” Body Part. Have Sex in That Position.
GiphyNo matter how often you’ve seen his body before, I’m willing to bet that you’ve got a favorite part. Think about it and then figure out which sex position will give you the best view of it. If it’s his chest, get on top. If it’s his legs, fellatio counts as sex because oral sex is sex. If it’s his torso, have him penetrate you while he’s standing up. I could expound yet y’all get my drift.
And if I didn’t mention your favorite part, check out SheKnows’s “69 Sex Positions to Put on Your Bucket List Immediately” to get some inspiration — because how can you not see his body as eye candy when you’re looking at the part of it you like the most as you’re receiving all kinds of pleasure. Whew.
10. Record a Session (or Two)
GiphyEver made a sex tape before? Although I will be the first to say that you need to exercise extreme discretion when it comes to this tip — if you’ve been having sex with someone long enough to experience bouts of boredom with their body, I’m assuming that you’ve built up some trust over time (right?). Anyway, something that’s sexy about a sex tape is it can help you to see you and your partner from another angle/perspective — and that also can be pretty damn appealing. So, if it’s something that the two of you have never tried…try it. Looking at the two of you enjoying each other can give you a greater appreciation for his body — and what it has the ability to do to you.
BONUS: Ask Yourself If You’re “Bored” or “Not Attracted”
GiphyIt’s kind of a full-circle moment with this one because, as I bring this to a close, I’ve got to put on record that it really is one thing to be bored — another entirely to not be attracted. Case in point — when it comes to one of my exes, the sex itself was actually pretty good. Still, I had to kind of “force myself” sometimes through it because I wasn’t very attracted to him…not ever really (you’d be amazed how much that can happen when you like the person’s personality and not so much their looks).
Although I will NEVER put myself in that position again, sometimes people are so invested in their relationship that they don’t just want to end it due to this alone. If that is what you are going through, please speak with a therapist/counselor/life coach. Depending on how deep the issues go, they may be able to provide you with some tips and tools to make things easier.
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One thing about boredom is that creativity can totally help it out. And what this means is a part of what creates boredom is laziness (ouch) or a lack of intention. And what this means is if you’re willing to do something about the current state of boredom that you are going through, there is a big chance that you can get rid of it. No matter what the cause of it may be.
Try the steps. Report back. Something tells me that you might feel better about things in your bedroom.
Just a hunch.
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