Her Voice

The 'F-Word' You Shouldn't Say When It Comes To Sex

Foreplay is a myth...so to speak. What I mean is that foreplay and sex are synonymous. Sex doesn't have to be penile to vagina, that's just what we've come to recognize it as. Butt sex is sex. Oral sex is sex. Digital (finger) sex and so on. And honestly, this understanding seems to be lost upon many of us despite the language being clear. Yeah, I've peeped the way some of y'all (myself included) neglect to use protection during oral because of the weird way you compartmentalize it as an appetizer but that's not the way it works, especially as it pertains to STIs. So just imagine the mind fuck that comes with the idea that a titty fuck is, in fact, a fuck.Yet, it is. But so are all of those other things that you're accustomed to doing that lead up to your ideation of what sexual intercourse is.

Problem is, we've created so many able-bodied notions and language surrounding sex. This can make it seem difficult to conceptualize how sex can be and often is different things to different people.

Though it seems ironic to both suggest that sex is whatever we want it to be and that we should shift the language around it--just know two things can be true at once and this is one of those instances. And as someone who, at times, resists the ebbs and flows that come with cultural growth and what appears to be sensitivity. I've come to understand and even mention here, that labels and language have a way of either debilitating or boosting our sense of esteem.

The reality is, there are a plethora of disabilities that change the dynamics of sex for people, and in the privileged way that an able-bodied person might do, I hadn't considered these aspects and the way my language might impact others ... until I was speaking to a quadrapalegic. Or a woman suffering from vaginal dyspareunia. Or a fat person. Or a breast cancer survivor. Yeah, it wasn't until then that I was able to begin to reimagine a world where we expanded the way in which we view sex.

(Writer's Note: I've used the language "fat" with the understanding that it is the best language via The Fat Sex Therapist.)

The Language We Use To Define What Sex Is Problematic AF

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You probably have never stopped to consider the sex life of one who is disabled either and though expected, it's far from inclusive and a precursor to prejudice. When no one considers it, nothing is ever challenged because assumptions are made. In this case, it is often simply assumed that disabled bodies transform into asexual beings; or, in the case of disabilities that can't be seen by the naked eye, they may be dismissed by partners as prudes or "bad" sex. Our inability to acknowledge through a small shift in language -- it shows up in healthcare, the (sex) education, the technological advances.

I've seen it firsthand as someone who identifies as a sex educator and works in the world of abortion care! Abortions are general surgical procedures, yet I've seen one too many disabled person(s) come in for a procedure only to be dismissed because our facilities don't account for the fact that disabled people like to "do the nasty" just like the next person because that's all it ever really is when it comes to prejudice. It's a big ole game of "when you assume you make an ass of you and I." Honestly, truly and that's word to Joanne the Scammer.

And generally speaking, the word "foreplay" can take the fun out of sex, making it another form of prioritizing goal-oriented sex.

The Potential Problem With Goal-Oriented Sex

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Which not only speaks to my initial point of considering who it is that we're sleeping with and where they fall on the axis of privilege, but it also sucks the fun out of sex when you add all of these rules. Cause let me tell you, I'm grown as fuck and sometimes I'll take the peace of mind that comes with an old school dry humping and enthussiastic makeout session. But, it blows my mind when I hear adults putting age limits on what qualifies as good, worthy sex...which tends to especially happen when it comes to getting fingered (yet another lovely pastime).

Furthermore, it assumes heteronormity. And fails to acknowledge gay and lesbian sex as sex. As I mentioned early on. There's this weird thing we do where we don't count anal sex as sex, and not only this is by far one of the dangerous games of ignorance we can dare to play. Starting with the pressure placed on girls to remain virginal and thus they opt into anal sex, an act rarely discussed in sex education due to the biases that come with it. This then leaves both children, teens, and adults confused about the need to use protection because of the very intentional dissociation in the language.

And lesbians? They're by far the most creative when it comes to sex, from scissoring to tribbing, fisting, strapping and rimming. But the language we use would have you think they do everything but have sex when again...it's all sex.

But lastly, and I just recently discussed this as well! It's problematic because it centers sex around a goal. Goals are wonderful and we've grown accustomed to them. But it applies the wrong type of pressure--a pressure that makes sex either grossly performative (no one likes a try-hard) or totally disinteresting instead of simply enjoying one another. As long as you and your partner aren't a mismatch when it comes to the overall energy you share towards your pleasure principles, your sex shouldn't have any goal outside of feeling and sharing pleasure.

The Bottom Line Is Feeling Pleasure

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Pleasure is by no means contingent upon any other goals you may have for sex outside of itself and consent. Pleasure isn't synonsymous with orgams, nor is it synonymous with penile to vaginal sex.

And if you think either of those things it may lowkey be why you're having an even more difficult time achieving an orgasm, outside of the pressure you're just plain old doing it wrong. Anatomically speaking, women are far more likely to orgams whent the clitoris is engaged. Now you tell me how a dick hitting your cervix has magically stimulated your clitoris? I didn't think so. But you know what does stimulate a clitoris? Just about every other type of fucking I mentioned in this article. Getting fingered certainly will do it.

I'm comparable to the Christian always shouting "the devil is a lie" in that I'm always and forever shouting that same thing about the patriarchy because baby, they got us confused about our own bodies to the point where we're dismissing the shit that really feels good to us. But I digress.

Bottom line is this: of all the F-words, this is the one we ought to let go of. Drop the foreplay and just fuck how you fuck.

Featured image by Shutterstock




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