We've Heard Of Demisexuals, But What Is A Demiromantic?
That moment when you discover a word that's so fitting, so appropriate--not only do you feel enlightenment but also seen. When people ask what labels do for us, I imagine that it's just that. They make us feel seen! If you're an active Twitter user, you've seen this play out in real time for the masses. Ironically, labels are like social media -- they have the power to make you feel totally isolated or understood. Which is why we're very much torn between "I don't subscribe to labels" and "Buy me a label maker for Christmas."
It's human nature to be curious, but with that curiosity comes the doctrine that all things must be labeled in order to further understand. Abstract, foreign, subjective concepts aren't something we've been socialized to just "get". It takes a creative, innovative, abstract mind. In short, it requires an open mind that can see beyond their own socialization. With language--is the inevitable evolution of it. Language says, "If you knew me yesterday, allow me to reintroduce myself tomorrow and the next day."
With that in mind, it can admittedly be difficult and even uncomfortable when you're unsure of how and when to use new terms or how they fit into your world. This especially seems to be the case around language surrounding sexuality, likely because our understanding of human sexuality is just as, if not, more evolutional. But in addition to being thoughtful to others who may not want to be boxed into the binaries of the world, it's nice to be in the know of new language for our own personal growth and understanding of ourselves as well as others.
Maybe you've heard of the word "demisexual" but have no damn idea what "demiromantic" is. Say less, read on. Psychotherapist and blogger, Monica Renae M.A. APC gave us a deep dive into what it means to be demiromantic vs. demisexual -- the tale of one prefix (meaning "half" or "lesser"), and two slightly different words.
What Does Demiromantic Mean?
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In defining what it means to be demiromantic, Renae began by clarifying what it means to be demisexual. She explained, "Demisexuals require a deeper understanding of people before sexual attraction manifests whereas most other people, with the exclusion of asexuals, experience the general sexual attraction without knowing much of anything about the individual(s)."
Quick xoPoll: Raise your hand if your panties have ever been personally victimized by thoughts of Morris Chestnut, Rihanna, or whoever recently? Well, according to our expert, "Demisexuals typically weren't screaming at boy bands or fantasizing about an actress as an adolescent."
Instead, "Demisexuals and demiromantics focus on emotional bonding, those connections lead to different aspects of the relationship." For demiromantics, these aspects may include sex (eventually) but are not limited to sex. As the word suggests, "Demiromantics need to know more about a person(s) before romantic interest can be established. There's no rush to crush with demiromantics."
I imagine that this also means demiromantics can have casual, "no strings attached" sex with more ease because they might have sexual feelings without desiring for sex to end in a RomCom "happy" ending. The ones that many of us can't really turn off. Demiromantics may be people who cringe at superficial first date conversations, instead, they want to get into the deeper "what makes you tick…(emotionally speaking)?" conversations.
I understand it as a parallel to sapioromantic, where those who identify as such cannot establish a romantic connection without the intellectual. Sapios want to geek out and demis want to "deep out". Their subconscious simply won't allow them to get butterflies over a "good morning" text.
I think understanding the difference lies in unlearning the socialization that romantic and sexual feelings must be present in all scenarios. Probably another ploy from the patriarchy used to slut-shame women. This is not me negating the science that says love hormones that create emotional attachment during sex aren't real, but the myth that if you can bypass that and have sex when you want, how you want, with whom you want, then something is wrong with you.
When Is It Demiromance & When Is It...Not?
While our sexual and romantic identities can evolve throughout our lives, and anyone can identify as demi, it's important to introspectively flip through your lived experiences and determine whether what you've experienced/experience is related to demisexuality, demiromance, or … a matter of attachment style.
"In some instances, there are people that develop deep emotional connections post-sexual encounters. [Although], this can be due to a number of reasons...attachment style is the main. For those with a preoccupied attachment style, sex may be misunderstood as emotional commitment. 'I shared something intimate therefore there's greater meaning to our relationship.'" Monica points out, that this likely has more to do with "attachment style" and less to do with sexual and romantic preferences.
For this, she recommends "a 'slow to touch' approach and a focus on being present with potential partners in order to determine if there is a genuine romantic connection."
But, how do I know if I’m demiromantic? According to Monica Renae, ask these two questions:
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- In looking at your dating history, do you see a common pattern?
- Were all of your romantic partners friends first?
If in assessing potential dating partners, you are not moved to date people, you barely know or you don't 'crush' on those whom you have not established an emotional bond with, you may be demiromantic. Keep in mind, unlike demisexuals, demiromantics can experience general sexual attraction. Having a one night stand is separate from romantic desire.
In a world where "coming out" has damn near become a mandate for anyone who has had an epiphany that falls outside the binary, she reminds us "there's no need to plan a large coming out but rather [creating] a deeper awareness of yourself."
That growing awareness of self requires you to "accept that this is how you healthily function in the dating world and not force yourself to do as others do." Renae says to "think deeply about your values and desires that you'd ideally seek in a romantic partner. This will help you weed through dates with more certainty and less anxiety." This will help you in "communicating the way in which you operate with potential partners is essential" because "as with any intention" this is necessary.
On the flip side, if you're someone who is romantically involved with a demiromantic, "it's important that you respect their boundaries by not pushing to speed the relationship ahead. Participate in creating an environment of openness that will allow the both of you to get to know one another better."
The importance of communication cannot be overstated and so she leaves us with a simple but important gem: "Moral of the story for either party, 'communicate, communicate again, and some mo'.'"
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
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I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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