What Exactly Does It Mean If You're A 'Demisexual'?
Did you read the title of this and say to yourself, "What in the heck is a demisexual?" Believe you me, I totally get it. When I first happened upon the word, I felt the same way. What's really a trip is, once I discovered the definition (which we'll get into in just a moment), I said to my own self, "OK, but aren't most women demisexuals?". At least on some level? Hmph.
In a previous article, I already explained that it's common for all human beings to have "a type" (check out "According To Experts, We All Have A 'Type'"). Well, the interesting thing about demisexuals is, many classify them as being on the spectrum of being asexual (free from sexual desire or sexuality). Personally, at least on the surface, I find this to be pretty strange because, it's weird—or maybe the more appropriate word is "sad"—that culture has gotten to a point and place that if you aren't down for one-night stands, hook-ups or casual sex, you must be closer to being an asexual human being. To me, demisexual goes much deeper than that surface-layer resolve, though. In a minute, you'll see why I've personally come to that conclusion.
What Exactly Is a Demisexual?
Alright. Enough alluding to what a demisexual is. It's time to put it right on out there. Believe it or not, there is an entire website that's devoted to what it means to be a demisexual. It says that 1) a demisexual is an actual sexual orientation and 2) a person who is someone who doesn't feel a sexual attraction for someone unless there is an emotional connection that has been established first. Again, doesn't that seem like a vast majority of us? Let's go deeper and see.
Personally, I'm someone who can find a man to be fine-and-then-some-mo'-fine, whether I know him or not or he ever says a word or not. And while I've certainly had my "he could get it" moments, I must admit that I wasn't really being serious or literal. I've never had a one-night stand. Plus, my claim to past-sexual-partner-fame (or infamy, depending on how you look at it, I guess) is I only slept with guys who I was friends with first; not shallow versions of friendship either. For the most part, I had known them and they knew me (and we spent significant amount of quality time together) for quite some time. And that bond is what made me wanna give it up.
Well, a demisexual is actually similar in this way. Oftentimes, they are not sexually drawn to someone unless they are a close friend or someone they've come to know a lot about. Yet here's where some of them differ from a lot of us who might immediately consider ourselves to be one—the reason why some demisexuals do fall onto the spectrum of asexuality is because, typically, sexual attraction isn't something that someone is able to control. Sure, they can control actually going through with the act, but when it comes to wanting/lusting after someone, either the feeling is there or—it isn't. When it comes to demisexuals, however, sometimes no sexual attraction occurs, even if there is an emotional bond that has transpired between them and someone who is attractive. This is why some demisexuals can go their entire life with only having a couple of sexual attractions, they can even go their entire life only being into one person. At the same time, what makes them different from all-out asexuals is, they are capable of sexual attraction; the desire just isn't as strong and the instance doesn't seem to occur, even a fraction as often as it does for demisexuals.
Bottom line, a demisexual tends to not have the highest sex drive on the planet, only desires sex when a profound emotional tie is in place and, tends to only merge the "drive" and "tie" rarely while others can be sexually attracted without the need for any time of emotional bond. Make sense?
What Are Some Demisexual Traits?
I remember when I first discovered that I was an ambivert. I happened upon the term while doing some research because, I knew that I was definitely not an extrovert, but still, certain parts of my personality didn't match-up with being an introvert either. I'm willing to bet that's how some of you are feeling about the word "demisexual" being introduced into your psyche as we speak. While you definitely know you're not asexual, something about you does feel a little…different. But if you're still not sure if demisexual "scratches the itch", let's touch on some demisexual traits that are telling signs that you could very possibly be one.
Sex really just ain't that big of a deal. On the site that solely focuses on demisexuals, I read about a study that said that two-thirds of demisexuals are either uninterested or repulsed by sex. That said, do keep in mind that this fact leaves one-third of others who still "check the boxes" of being a demisexual who thoroughly enjoys copulation. Still, if you're someone who relishes in all of the intimacy that comes with being in a relationship sans the actual sexual act (for instance, you like the idea of actually sleeping in the same bed with someone, so long as oral sex or intercourse do not transpire) or, if sex is something that is "cool, I guess" but you honestly would be fine with or without it, for pretty much the rest of your life, that is one indication that you just might be a demisexual.
You are way more into someone's personality than their looks. Listen, live on this earth past your early 30s and you get to the point of understanding and accepting that good looks ain't always all that they're cracked up to be; not by a long country mile. It's kind of like how a box can be wrapped up beautifully, only for you to open it and find nothing but worms inside of it. So, being the kind of woman who wants more than merely someone who is nice to look at does not make you a demisexual. At the same time, those of us who are totally into sex do want to be with someone who we are physically attracted to, right? For a demisexual, that's not really a requirement. Since sexual attraction isn't much of a priority to them, being with someone who looks good isn't that big of a deal. They are far more interested in how someone makes them feel on the mental and emotional tip than what they can do for them on a physical level. In fact, it is quite common for demisexuals to be close to stunning while their partner is basically the complete opposite. They don't care. They like the companionship so, at the end of the day, that's all that really matters in their mind.
Even for demisexuals who are interested in sex, friendship has to be the foundation first. When you're a demisexual, it's pretty difficult to get to the point of having sex with someone (even if you've got some sort of a sex drive) if you're not totally comfortable with them and very emotionally connected to them. That's why, if a person is interested in a demisexual, they've got to have quite a bit of patience with the relationship because sex is not something that will happen any time soon. It's usually only after the demisexual believes there is a real friendship that anything physical can take place. Even then, there are no guarantees.
OK, with all of this said, I think it is really important to also drive home the point that being abstinent for religious, spiritual, or even simply personal reasons is not the same thing as being a demisexual.
I've been abstinent for almost 14 years now (yeah, after 14…pray and we'll see, chile) and, now that I know so much more about how a demisexual thinks and moves, I am absolutely not one. While I'm also not interested in sex if there is no emotional connection in place, I am indeed interested in sex, and, back when I was engaging, my drive was fairly high. I just thought it was important to bring this point up so that you don't click off of this and figure that just because you may not be gettin' any at the moment, it could be because you are a closet demisexual.
Again, demisexuals do require emotional attachments in their relationships but for the vast majority of them, if that never transitions into sex, they are fine, someone being physically/sexually attractive or appealing really isn't that big of a deal, and their drive is typically on the lower side.
You know how the saying goes—knowledge is power. I'm hoping that if you're someone who likes emotional intimacy but really is "good" on the sex tip and may have been wondering if something is wrong with you, that you now see the answer is "no" and you are not alone. You're a demisexual and that's OK—because that's simply who you are and that's all good.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Stress Awareness Month: Sneaky Workplace Triggers Affecting Black Women, And How To Cope
We all know about the major stress triggers of everyday life, from relationship woes to monthly bills to unexpected emergencies, but there are small, subtle triggers that impact Black women in a big way, especially when it comes to work. It’s good to be aware of these sneaky stressors in order to maximize your day and find ways to incorporate solutions into your self-care routines.
Since it’s Stress Awareness Month, we caught up with Keanne Owens, LCSW, founder of Journey To Harmony Therapy Center, to talk about these triggers and what Black women can do to manage and cope.
Owens is an experienced South Florida-based counselor and social worker who offers her services via Grow Therapy, a therapy and medication management platform. She has worked with Black women professionals to unpack issues related to workplace stressors. “One is the pressure to perform–having to meet deadlines and deliverables. And a lot of times, these subtle stressors from performance are put upon ourselves as Black women. We want to make sure we’re doing our best. We don’t want to be critiqued in certain ways.”
Excessive micromanagement leading to fear of overly critical bosses is another subtle trigger that can negatively impact Black women in the workplace.
“Whenever something is done wrong, or we experience some type of injustice and have to report it, it’s the fear of retaliation–[fear that] we won’t be taken seriously or [our words] will be taken out of context because of being deemed as the ‘angry Black woman,’” she said.
Black Women And Workplace Stress Triggers
Her sentiments are backed by research. A recent report by Coqual found that 28% of Black women (compared to 17% of White men) say their supervisor uses “excessive control or attention to detail” when managing them. There’s more: A survey by the National Employment Law Project found that Black workers were “more likely to have concerns (80 percent) and twice as likely as white workers (18 percent) to have unresolved concerns at work, with 39 percent reporting they were “not satisfied with the employer’s response or did not raise concerns for fear of retaliation.”
The survey also found that 14 percent of Black respondents said they “avoided raising concerns to their employer for fear of retaliation—more than twice the average rate of 6 percent for all survey respondents.”
Owens pointed to the fact that these subtle stress triggers can negatively impact our physical health and our career advancement. “A lot of time it’ll affect our productivity,” Owens added. “We start to have negative thoughts of ourselves. The stressors can also cause fatigue. We’re no longer meeting or working up to our desired potential.” Other challenges as a result include insomnia and increased insolation, withdrawal, and lack of motivation to apply for jobs or promotions even when qualified.
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How To Manage Subtle Stress Triggers
While there are systemic issues at play for Black women at work that has less to do with us and more to do with major overhauls that must be addressed by the powers that be, there are steps we can take for the betterment of ourselves and our mental health. Owens offered the following tips:
Tap into a support system, whether it’s a coworker you trust, a family member, an organization, or an outlet like a hobby.
Create a good work-life balance before burnout even starts. “Having certain boundaries [is the goal] such as, for example, if you get off at 5, you get off at 5. If your job description is this, you don’t go above and beyond because that brings you to a lot of burnout,” Owens said.
Prioritize self-care, whatever that means for you. “If you don’t have a routine, create one. Practice mindfulness and even some meditation,” she added.
Create structure in your life outside of work. “Even if you have a family, applying some structure in your routine helps relieve stress,” she said.
Get into grounding techniques. “Do a real quick square breathing exercise, that’s literally 30 seconds, or you can do a grounding technique that’s less than two minutes, right there where you are. You don’t need any other materials. That’s something you can do with just yourself and your body.”
Ask for help. “As Black women, we don’t ask for help enough,” she said. “Find where you need to ask for help. A lot of times, people think that’s indicative of weakness, but we need to rewrite that narrative. It’s okay to ask for help where you see fit. [If] you’re a mom, [it could be] every Wednesday from 5 to 6, your children are with the dad. You have to carve out that time.”
For more information on Grow Therapy, visit their website. You can also find out more about Keanne Owens, LCSW, via BeginYourJourneyToHarmony.com.
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