November gifts us with the blessing of Mercury direct on the 3rd bringing balance and understanding to our relationships. When Mercury shifts into Scorpio, we're invited to embrace our vulnerabilities and the healing that our intimate connections can provide. The Jupiter and Pluto conjunction reminds us that even the most painful experiences have the ability to transform our lives for the better. Our vitality returns with a force when Mars goes direct just in time for the New Moon, inviting us to (re)commit to our deepest desires. The Sun shifts into Sagittarius on the 21st, lifting our spirits for the holiday season and preparing us for the beginning of eclipse season.
Check out your November 2020 monthly horoscopes:
Aries November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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Your relationship dynamics get a little more clear when Mercury goes direct on the 3rd. When Mercury shifts into Scorpio on the 10th, you desire to go deeper in your connections. Anything surface-level won't keep your attention for long. On the 12th, Jupiter and Pluto meet up, requiring you to step up to the plate as you rise to new levels of success and influence. Here's your opportunity to show the world what you've got. When your ruling planet, Mars, goes direct, you're feeling more confident in your ability to get the job done––even if it requires you to move beyond your comfort zone (aka the growth zone).
On the New Moon, you're encouraged to explore different resources for gaining the financial assistance you need. When Venus enters this part of your chart, you've got the magic touch. Ask and ye shall receive. The Sun enters Sagittarius on the 21st, inviting you on a quest for higher knowledge by deepening your understanding of your spiritual beliefs. If you've been feeling the urge to travel to a specific place, there may be lessons for you to explore there. November comes to a close with a Full Moon Lunar eclipse, helping you resolve any communication barriers inhibiting you from expressing your truth and acknowledging the truth of others.
Taurus November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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Mercury goes direct in Libra on the 3rd, then shifts gears into your opposite sign, Scorpio, bringing your focus to relationships. Finding a happy middle ground with your partner and renegotiating existing contracts are supported moving forward. On the 12th, Jupiter and Pluto encourage you to expand your view of the world––possibly through some sobering events playing out on a global scale. Sudden changes in your religious and political beliefs are possible during this time. On the 13th, Mars goes direct, helping you blow off some steam. The past couple of months may have been a bit intense as you internalized your frustrations and hopefully came to a better understanding of the root of them.
The more mindful you become of your anger, the less power it has over you.
The New Moon on the 15th has you taking a relationship to the next level. You may be tying the knot with your sweetie or signing your name on the dotted line with that new employer. If you're an independent contractor or entrepreneur, Venus shifting into Scorpio can help you attract new clients or a business partner. On the 21st, the Sun enters Sagittarius liberating you from the opinions of other people as you learn to place more value on your own perception of yourself. They don't call it SELF-esteem for no reason. The month wraps up with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse liberating you financially, whether you're paying off a debt or getting a raise. Avoid overspending so you don't wind up getting yourself right back in the spot you worked so hard to get out of.
Gemini November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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Your ruling planet, Mercury, goes direct on the 3rd helping you get clear on whether you and a romantic interest are on the same page. The focus shift when Mercury transitions into Scorpio to help you get your schedule and workplace organized. When it comes to your health, addressing any obsessive or addictive tendencies is beneficial for more sustainable peace of mind. On the 12th, Jupiter and Pluto support you in getting to the root of any habits that affect your psychological well-being. When Mars goes direct, your friends can be a much-needed support system if you let them in on what you've been struggling with. We all need help at times—even the person wearing so many different hats.
The New Moon on the 15th invites you to incorporate some better habits into your lifestyle. When Venus enters this part of your chart, you'll find it a little easier to stick with these changes. On the 21st, the Sun enters Sagittarius, bringing your attention to relationships and contracts. It may be time to renegotiate the terms of an agreement or communicate your needs within a close relationship. Knowing what your boundaries are is great but it doesn't do you any good if you don't communicate them to other people. The month closes out with a Full Moon Lunar eclipse in your sign bringing forth some powerful, fated events that will change your life over the course of the next year. Strap yourself in and get ready for the ride!
Cancer November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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The month kicks off with Mercury going direct on the 3rd helping you smooth out any family feuds or disruptions on the home front. When Mercury shifts into Scorpio on the 10th, you're in a sentimental mood, making this the perfect time to indulge your inner romantic. Write a love song, watch your fave rom-coms or travel somewhere secluded with bae for a little more one-on-one time. On the 12th, Pluto and Capricorn meet up, encouraging you to take an honest assessment of your relationships and contractual agreements. If something isn't working, address the issue and provide some solutions that could work for you and your partner.
When Mars goes direct, the pressure is on but you're feeling confident to take on any challenges that stand in the way of your success. The New Moon on the 15th invites you to pick up a new (or old) hobby as a means of nurturing your inner child. On the 21st, the Sun enters Sagittarius, making it a little difficult for you to practice self-control at Thanksgiving dinner. Enjoy yourself but keep things in moderation! The month closes out with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse. Take it easy during this time if you don't have as much energy as usual. It's time to disconnect from the grind and reconnect with your spirit.
Leo November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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Communication issues smooth out when Mercury goes direct on the 3rd. When this energy shifts into Scorpio, you've got an opportunity to resolve some family drama or issues on the home front. On the 12th, Jupiter and Pluto team up to remind you of the importance of maintaining a healthy work-life balance. Don't let the hustle stress you out to the point that you're not eating properly, getting enough rest, and exercising as well. When Mars goes direct on the 13th, you're ready for some adventure and another stamp in your passport. If you're a student or teacher, this transit gives you the energy boost you need to finish off the semester strong.
The New Moon on the 15th invites you to start a new project or learn a new skill. Scorpio's fixed nature will help you lock into whatever you're creating or learning. On the 21st, the Sun enters Sagittarius, encouraging you to indulge your romantic side. Enjoy a fancy bottle of wine, buy yourself some flowers, or take a trip with bae. The month winds down with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse illuminating those that are truly loyal to you and those that are just around to get something from you. Let go of anyone that you're dragging along just for the ride. They just might be the dead weight that's slowing down your progress.
Virgo November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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Your ruling planet goes direct on the 3rd, helping money matters move forward. When the energy shifts into Scorpio on the 10th, you're capable of communicating your feelings more clearly. Jupiter and Pluto team up on the 12th to shake things up. If life has become too routine, a stroke of inspiration has you craving something bigger, better, and way more fun. Your inner child is in desperate need of your attention so make sure you're nurturing that aspect of yourself to stay more engaged with life. On the 13th, Mars goes direct, bringing you out of the depths of some transformational shadow work you've undergone these past couple of months.
You're feeling more confident in your ability to make the best out of your experiences—the good, bad, and ugly.
The New Moon on the 15th invites you to express yourself in a way that allows others to know the real you. On the 21st, the Sun enters Sagittarius making your family the center of your joy over the next month. Spending more time at home and with your loved ones is just what you need to get grounded. November comes to a close with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse reminding you that it's OK to pivot in a different direction. If you're no longer interested in your career path, this is a supportive time for repositioning yourself and establishing a new mission.
Libra November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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Mercury goes direct in your sign on the 3rd, clearing up communication and travel issues for you. Energy shifts into Scorpio, helping you move money matters forward. On the 12th, Jupiter and Pluto link-up which has you feeling restless to make some changes on the home front. A relocation may be just what you need to transform your life. You're feeling more assertive when Mars goes direct on the 13th, encouraging you to shoot your shot so you can take your relationship to the next level. Just make sure you maintain that diplomatic approach of yours to avoid coming off as too pushy.
The New Moon on the 15th invites you to plant the seeds for a new, financial endeavor that may involve you partnering up with someone else. Just make sure they're on the same page as you to avoid any problems in the future. On the 21st, the Sun enters Sagittarius and you're feeling vibrant and ready to mingle for the holiday season. You're the life of the party and others can't help but be mesmerized by your charm. The month comes to an exciting close with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse wrapping up a chapter for you in the way you view the world. Your political or religious beliefs may undergo sweeping changes as you get more clear about your personal values and beliefs.
Scorpio November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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The month kicks off with Mercury going direct on the 3rd, helping you find closure where necessary. When this energy shifts into your sign, you're feeling more empowered about the new direction you're moving in. On the 12th, Jupiter and Pluto meet up which could feel a bit heavy as you're adapting to new ways of thinking and communicating. It's time to address those limiting beliefs and self-dialogue. No one is out to get you in this case, Scorpio. Don't play a role in your own demise. When Mars goes direct on the 13th, you're motivated to get your body and your office into shape. Put yourself on a more structured routine to maintain a good sense of work-life balance.
On the 15th, the New Moon in your sign invites you to blow out the candles and make a wish. What do you want to accomplish in the next six months to a year? Write it down on paper and watch sh*t get real. The Sun shifts into Sagittarius on the 21st, bringing your focus to money. Avoid overspending over the next month. Holiday season is upon us but you can budget for it instead of breaking the bank. Remember the most important part about the holidays is being with your loved ones––not seeing who can buy the most expensive gifts. The month comes to a close with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on the 30th, giving you the nudge you need to step into your power and ditch the old sob stories that perpetuate a victim complex. You're a winner, baby. Act like it.
Sagittarius November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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November kicks off with Mercury going direct on the 3rd, helping you smooth out any communication issues amongst your social circle. When Mercury shifts gears into Scorpio, you're clear on which connections you need to dissolve due to others' hidden agendas. On the 12th, Jupiter and Pluto team up, sobering you up to the reality of your financial situation. You may hate to hear it, but stop trying to live above your means, and then wonder why you're stressed about money. Reel it on in and stick to a strict budget when it comes to holiday shopping. When Mars goes direct on the 13th, you're motivated to create and play. You can have fun and still be financially responsible.
The New Moon on the 15th invites you to disconnect from the chaos of the world to reconnect with the still center of your soul. Profound healing is taking place for you regarding issues that may have affected you in past lives. It's time to clean up your karma by making different choices moving forward. On the 21st, the Sun shifts into your sign, making it your birthday season! All eyes are on you so make the most of it. The month closes out with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in your opposite sign which could result in an ending in a relationship or contractual agreement. Ultimately, whatever dissolves from your life during eclipse season is no longer a good match for you. Keep your head up, buttercup. Better opportunities and partnerships lie ahead.
Capricorn November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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The month begins with Mercury going direct on the 3rd, helping you move forward in matters of career. When Mercury shifts into Scorpio, you're clear about who's on #TeamCappie and who's not. Any hidden agendas will be revealed in the weeks to come. On the 12th, Jupiter and Pluto team up, reminding you not to blow your problems out of perspective. It's been a tough year but trust that all of this pressure you've been under will result in some major gems. When Mars goes direct, you've had enough of the same ol' scenery, making it the perfect time to switch up your home decor or relocate elsewhere.
The New Moon on the 15th invites you to reconnect with your deepest desires. Do you want more power? More depth in your relationships? Or maybe more satisfaction in the work that you do. The choice is yours. Plant the seeds and nurture your garden. On the 21st, the Sun shifts into Sagittarius which has you feeling more reclusive than usual. Reflect and rest up for your birthday season. November comes to a close with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse helping you overcome the limited beliefs contributing to any addictive or obsessive habits. Some insight about your health can be just the catalyst you need to get your sh*t together.
Aquarius November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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November kicks off with Mercury going direct on the 3rd and you're on the first flight out to that resort in the Caribbean. When this energy shifts into Scorpio, be mindful of confrontations with authority figures—particularly in the workplace. Instead of cursing your boss out, vent about them to a friend instead. Jupiter and Pluto meet up on the 12th, inviting you to confront your biggest enemy—you. Your experiences are simply mirroring what you feel about yourself, so cut it out with the projections and lean into some accountability instead. On the 13th, Mars goes direct, reminding you of the power of your righteous anger.
Use your voice to be an agent of change.
The New Moon on the 15th has you pivoting in your approach to your career. Realign with your deepest desires to assure that your success is in the bag. On the 21st, the Sun enters Sagittarius, inviting you to connect with your friends—both online and in real life. Your vibrant spirit is infectious amongst your social circle. You could even find yourself receiving a lot of attention on social media over the next month. On the 30th, the month closes out with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse transforming your relationship with your money. Limiting beliefs have got to go for you to step into the abundance you were destined for.
Pisces November 2020 Monthly Horoscope
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Mercury finally goes direct on the 3rd, helping you sort out issues with financial institutions you're associated with. On the 10th, the energy shifts into Scorpio encouraging you to dive deeper into your studies about spirituality. Some of you may even be in positions to teach others what you know. When Jupiter and Pluto link up on the 12th, you're reevaluating your social circle and whether they truly align with your core values and beliefs. Don't be afraid to branch out in search of your tribe. On the 13th, Mars goes direct. If your money slowed up over the past couple of months, things should be turning around in the weeks to come.
The New Moon on the 15th has you ready to commit to your mind's expansion, making this a good time to enroll in school, sign up for that workshop, or find a mentor you can learn from. On the 21st, the Sun enters Sagittarius and you're feeling the pressure to push forward in your career by leaps and bounds. It's OK to be hopeful but make sure your expectations are realistic. Everyone can't be an overnight success. November winds down with a Full Moon Lunar eclipse illuminating a generational pattern that needs to be resolved. You now have the opportunity to express yourself in ways that your ancestors didn't have the privilege to.
It's your duty to own your truth, embody it, and share it with the world.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And that is why I decided to put emphasis on the word “late” for today’s topic. Because if you and someone break up and they approach you, well after the fact, with an “I’m sorry,” if you struggle with whether or not to accept it due to the timing of it all, you should definitely ponder that a bit.
And as you’re doing so, it might help to read a bit deeper into what an apology should look and live like, even from an ex, regardless of when it shows up.
Your “late.” Or his right on time.
Three Things That a True Apology Consists Of
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that when you work as a therapist/counselor/coach, a lot of people never really see you as human — and this can include your close relationships. What I mean by that is, it’s almost like they expect you to be free on-call therapy to the point where they “forget” to actually check on you sometimes.
Such is the case with one of my longest-running friendships. Even during the weeks between losing my mother and losing $4K (SMDH), she would just keep calling me to vent about her marriage. I finally got so fed up that I brought it to her attention that for the past couple of years, that is exactly what our friendship has been like: her venting, me listening without her being very invested in my life at all. In response, she texted me an apology — and boy, was it beautiful.
I’m not going to share the details of what she said; however, I am going to tell you three things that it consisted of because it’s what I believe ALL APOLOGIES should entail.
1. She took full ownership for what she believed that she did. I framed this point in this way because, something that everyone needs to forever keep in mind is the fact that two people start and, to a large extent, end relationships — and what I mean by that is, it’s never like one person was perfect and the other was the villain. That said, though, when someone is making an apology to another individual, they are going to own their part and articulate what that part is. It’s not gonna be a simple “My bad.”
It’s going to be “I am really sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me” or “I apologize for taking you for granted” — something that sounds like they get the “offense” that transpired. By doing this, they recognize their missteps — and that is what puts people on the road to not repeating them.
2. She did not deflect or gaslight me. You know what one of the worst apologies are: It’s when someone says they are sorry and then follows it up with, “But you do it too” or “If you hadn’t done ‘A’, I wouldn’t have done ‘B.'” Justifying your actions is a surefire way to make someone believe that you don’t really think that you did something wrong (or that bad) in the first place. And really, how can they trust you (again) if that is how you feel? Oh, and don’t get me on gaslighting.
Ugh, ain’t nothing like someone claiming that they want to set things right with you, only to act like they don’t really get where you are coming from with the issues y’all were having in the first place. A good gaslight line in an apology: “If that is what you think happened, I apologize.” Yeah, you can keep that, jack. Never accept this kind of apology — because it isn’t one.
3. She addressed why she needed to make the apology in the first place. Wanna know one of the main reasons why I don’t trust people who don’t believe in having regrets (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”)? Did you know that apology means “a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another.” How, as a human, do you think that you are out here not making any mistakes or poor decisions that you sometimes need to APOLOGIZE for? That is just…insane.
And one of the reasons why apologies are important is because if you feel bad about “failing” someone, it’s usually because you value them enough to want to keep them around. And yes, in my friend’s apology, she also explained why she didn’t want me to feel hurt in the way that she had hurt my feelings and what she would do to prevent that from happening in the first place.
So y’all, with all of this out of the way, before getting deeper into this topic? If an ex is hitting you up to apologize to you for something, please make sure that he hits all three marks of a true apology.
Now let’s keep going.
A Genuine Apology Should Also Include an Amends
GiphyA few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made.” You know how I mentioned a second ago that a solid apology has no gaslighting in it? Hmph. Ain’t it wild how someone can do something that hurts or harms you and yet, they want you to just “hurry up and get over it”? GASLIGHTING.
Someone in my family, after unpacking years of abuse that I experienced at their hand, they had the nerve to say, “I’m not going to keep apologizing to you for this.” Hmm…Okay. So, how about you let me give you a consistent three months’ worth of the years of mistreatment that I experienced from you and then flippantly throw an apology your way. Let’s see how you feel about it. How much you believe that I am being genuine and sincere.
Listen — and please hear me GOOD on this: when someone really gets the magnitude of the pain or discomfort and inconvenience that they caused, they aren’t going to be fine with just saying that they are sorry for it; they are going to ask you what they can do to set things right.
It’s actually a part of the reason why I named the four children who I aborted (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”) because I do have some real remorse for those decisions. Each of their names have an intentional meaning and I strive to leave out their purpose, through those names, on a daily basis. It’s a small way of making amends.
You know, back when my first book came out, my first love reached out, via email, to send me an apology. The apology hit most of the points that I mentioned earlier. Looking back, there wasn’t an offer to make an amends, though, and trust me, there was A LOT to make up for.
At the end of the day, amends means “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense” and while none of us should use bitterness, resentment or emotional stagnation as the “bar” for which we should expect amends to be made, if you’re trying to figure out just how sincere an ex is with their apology, if they want to do something to make things better, that’s a good sign.
There is a caveat, though.
Discern the Motives. Always.
GiphyEarlier this summer, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “What's Your Motive For Sex? (It Reveals A Lot. Trust Me.)” Then, a few weeks ago, I wrote another article entitled, “As Cuffing Season Steadily Approaches, What The Heck Is 'Winter Coating'?” and boy, when I tell you that both of these complement this point really well? Goodness.
If you’ve never heard of the dating trend known as winter coating before, it’s basically when an ex creeps back up around cuffing season — and if you know what cuffing season is all about, you can absolutely connect the very probable motives behind those dots.
Now can there be exceptions? There are ALWAYS exceptions. Still, if you haven’t heard from your ex in years and here he comes a couple of weeks before Christmas, unless the two of you got together or broke up around the holidays, stay on potential “winter coating alert,” because it might not be about “building bridges” so much as getting into your bedroom.
That said, if it’s been a minute (six months or more) since you’ve heard from an ex and he suddenly reaches out to apologize, absolutely take out a moment to discern the motive — and shoot, feel fine with even asking what is causing him to make the move…now. If it’s in the spirit of the holidays and wanting to go into a new year with a clean slate, got it. If it’s because he’s been in therapy and realizes that he didn’t end certain things in his past very well, understood. If it’s because he didn’t like how the two of you broke up and he wants to try and make peace, that’s fair.
On the other hand, if you sense that he wants to rekindle something (check out “Nelly And Ashanti Are Giving It Another Shot? Here's What You Should Know About 'Ex Reconciliation'” and “I'm Thrilled That Ryan Destiny & Keith Powers Are Back Together. 5 Things Before Reuniting With Your Ex, Tho.” and “What Happens When 'The One Who Got Away'...Comes Back?”) — although that’s kind of another article for another time, do check that motive.
When someone apologizes, you should really be the only focus for them; not what they can get out of it on the back end. Listen, even if he hopes to get back with you (or back in bed with you), that shouldn’t be something that is discussed during the apology. If it is said or even implied, something about HIS MOTIVE is disingenuous. And if that is indeed the case, to a valid extent, so is he.
We All Should Give the Grace and Mercy That We Desire
GiphySooner than later, I’m going to write an article about forgiveness (beyond what I already have here). For now I’ll just say that if you are someone who thinks that other people don’t deserve forgiveness? That is either your pain or your ego talking and, either way, you can’t trust “their” judgment.
All of us mess up sometimes and if you are a karma (or you reap what you sow) believer, then you absolutely should want to extend others grace and mercy so that you can receive it in your own time of need (and you are absolutely delusional if you think a time won’t come, sooner than you probably think, that you will need it).
Besides, do you know all of the self-inflicted drama and trauma that comes from NOT forgiving others: higher blood pressure, insomnia, stress, anxiety, the higher risk of a heart attack, a weakened immunity, a greater risk for depression and anxiety — whatever he did, is it really worth all of this? Yeah, while a lot of people think that weaponizing forgiveness is empowering, really all it’s doing is putting themselves in harm’s way. Physically. Emotionally. SPIRITUALLY: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14-15 — NKJV)
By the way, no one is saying that forgiving that man means that you have to allow him back into your life. After all, access is a privilege. Yet if he comes to you and acknowledges that he feels sorry for some things, for the sake of your own sanity, why not let him express it? Don’t wanna meet up or talk on the phone? Understood. Email and/or text are there for the taking. Don’t want to go back and forth? Who said that it needs to be a discussion or a debate?
All I know is, the more time you spend on this planet, the more you want to put out the energy that you want to come back. Forgiving others tends to make life easier. Not forgiving? Oh, the way that it boomerangs, sometimes in ways you never saw coming, chile. Dodge that kind of experience (and typically hard life lesson) if you can.
Yes, Better Late than Never
GiphyToo late to apologize. Yeah, I don’t really know if there is such a thing (because forgiving and reconciling are not one in the same and some of y’all will catch that later). I’ll wrap this up with a story to prove my point.
Once upon a time, I knew a woman who was in a serious relationship and yet, whenever her boyfriend would bring up the possibility of marriage, she would stall him out. When I finally asked her what her deal was, she explained that she still harbored so much pain from the man before him that she didn’t fully trust that he was the real deal. About five months later, here came her ex with a thorough explanation for why he made some of the decisions that he did while they were together. Now that she had the full story, she was able to heal. She got married to her boyfriend that following year.
You see where I am going with this? Although your ex’s apology might be “late” as far as y’all’s relationship timeline, the timing may be BRILLIANT when it comes to true when and why you actually need it. Yeah, a Scripture that I adore is “Timing is the Father’s business” (Acts 1:7 — Message) and sometimes those apologies, in the grand scheme of things, are more on time than you could ever imagine; they’re when God deems you need them not when you want to have them.
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It is Oprah Winfrey who once said, “True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience” and sis, if you remove the bitterness and anger and look deeper, there were valuable lessons, even in and from the most challenging relationships. And that is worth appreciating through forgiveness and, if need be, full and complete release.
Bottom line, should you accept an ex’s late apology? Absolutely.
What better way to illuminate your present on a whole ‘nother level.
Just as forgiveness always does.
TRUST ME.
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