We may be on day 2,987 of quarantine, but we're only up to episode four of Insecure, "Lowkey Losin' It", and it was anything but lowkey.
Previously, we asked fans "Could YOU be friends with your ex's new bae?" after Issa's throuple (as Molly puts it) with Lawrence and Condola got complicated. There were multiple storylines going on this latest episode, but Molly and Andrew's brought up an all-new relationship pickle that's relatable AF.
Here's what you missed if you missed it, so brace yourself for spoilers…
Workaholic Molly kept putting her dates with Andrew on the back burner when it came to her work at the law firm. Late nights at the office and late nights on her laptop at home came before spending quality time with him.
To be fair, her relationship with Asian Bae is fairly new and Molly's super passionate about her career where she constantly needs to be on her A game. All in all, the couple was able to move forward after talking it out. #MollyAndAsianBae4Ever
It's no secret relationship and work-life balance can be tough, especially those with demanding careers. But after watching this episode, my friends and I discussed exactly how we handle this. I can relate to this all too well. I've definitely blown off plans with friends and family because of a deadline or job function. I've also been the girlfriend spending quality time with my guy watching an awards show while simultaneously reporting on it from my laptop. It just is what is what is. Like Molly, not only am I perfectionist when it comes to what I do for a living, but it's my passion. Of course, there has to be balance for any relationship to work, but ideally I'd like to be with someone who understands my work, and possibly is in the same industry or related field.
That sounds like I'm asking a lot, and maybe I am, but it's much easier for someone to get it when they can relate. At, the very least having a partner who is equally passionate about their work, whatever it may be, is always helpful (not to mention, attractive). Andrew isn't a lawyer like Molly, but I'm sure his work in the entertainment industry will bring up limitations to his free time at some point and Molly will have to show him the same understanding he showed her.
But different strokes for different folks, am I right? So, I reached out to Insecure fans to ask them:
Where do you draw the line between work relationship and work-life balance? Would you have stuck around like Andrew did with Molly?
Quality Time Over Money
"[Being an entrepreneur, my situation is] unique in that I truly own my time. With that being said, I find nothing more important than time with loved ones. So, for me, I couldn't be putting my partner on the back burner for a check, no time with a company is worth more time with my woman. But I worked hard to put myself in a position where I won my time and my income isn't dependent on hours but on value." –Jeffrey Derose, Founder, Startup Advisory Group
Relationships Take Empathy and Understanding
"It is not realistic to have a personality like Molly's and disregard your work obligations. She would also only similarly be attracted to someone who takes their work seriously. There is no real way to build a partnership otherwise. We have watched her cycle through many partners and, for some of them, an obstacle was their career limitations. It is very easy to dismiss Black women as overly committed to success and not to relationships, but it is also understandable why Molly would behave that way.
"Work never lets you down. It is a very simple system. You work hard and you get paid. It's very simple. In relationships, things are infinitely more complicated."
"Being with Andrew requires more energy and vulnerability than she can just deflect at work. It is a big step that she recognized where she was being unfair and decided to apologize. I think relationships take empathy and understanding and you know when someone is being genuine or not. I think Andrew knew Molly was trying her best and therefore made an allowance for her. It's mature on both of their parts." –Danielle Prescod, Style Director, BET Networks
It's the Little Things
"My last relationship basically ended because of this. When you are passionate about your career, it almost feels like cheating when you have to step away from the computer to go on a date. Especially in a new relationship, it's hard to shift gears and make a new commitment to this person. I've come to the conclusion that being driven and independent is great, but your partner wants to feel like a priority too; they want to feel needed. So, it's important to keep things interesting with spontaneous little actions that show you're always thinking of them.
"My ex would love when I FaceTimed him randomly, or when I made plans that had to do with things he was into. I also learned to invite them into your world as much as possible, and volunteer to help them when things got busy on their end. As soon as things feel one-sided, someone isn't feeling appreciated, or someone doesn't feel like a priority... it's hard to reel it back in. I think Molly got lucky with her boo because he's always busy too, so though he felt a type of way, he gets it." –Hala Maroc, Personality/Wellness Advocate TheBadassBootcamp.com
Drive and Ambition Are Two Attractive Qualities In A Spouse
"I'd say this is something that can be worked out smoothly. It's all about prioritizing your time; Molly is extremely ambitious, and she should be allowed to have a great career and relationship. For me, I've made sure to carve out time during the weekend and certain times out of the work week for my spouse. While keeping in mind some down time for myself.
"I'd never stand in the way of my spouse's goals and would likely be as calm about the situation as Andrew was. It's all about BALANCE. Drive and ambition are two attractive qualities in a spouse. I see nothing wrong with openly communicating if things ever feel off-balanced. Balance, communication and trust are the building blocks for a long-lasting relationship. In short, I'm rooting for Molly and Asian bae all the way!" –India Douglas, Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW)
Set A Personal/Work-Life Standard
"When you are in a relationship, work/business intertwines with life/personal. This was one of my New Year's Resolution: 'Do not bring work life home; do not talk about work at the dinner table; PTO does not mean check your work email.' This was important to me because there wasn't a balance and setting a goal for myself made me realize, life is NOT all about work.
"Andrew felt neglected by Molly, and when your main priority is work, whether it is discussing a meeting that happened/conflict with your coworkers or constantly working late at night or on the weekends, it takes a toll on the relationship. But for Andrew and Molly to discuss their issues shows how much they are committed to the relationship. Adapting to change, learning, balancing personal/work life, and growing as a unit is all about being in a relationship." –Kateri Fischer, On-Air Scheduling Coordinator, BET Networks
If It’s Important to Me I Make Time for It
"I've never had trouble balancing work and my love life. If it's important to me, I make time for it. If I'm feeling the person, I would stick around like Andrew did and discuss my feelings and thoughts like he did." –Amiyah Deziire, Author, Midnight Confessions
What You Accept, Will Always Be What You Get
"At the end of the day, it's not so much our profession that keep us consumed, so much as it is our perfectionism. Working in entertainment journalism, especially as it pertains to the competitive blogging space, will have you thinking that every bit of celeb news is 'breaking.' [I recall a first date with a new guy] who revealed that he had plans for a waterfront dinner at a marina about 40 minutes away from where I lived in NY. This made me a bit anxious since I didn't want to be too far from home and my laptop. So, I suggested just going to a diner nearby which he found strange since I pretty much trumped his romantic efforts, but he went along with it.
"Everything was going great, until my then-boss messaged me asking to put up a post. I began to draft a response asking her if I could write it on my phone and send it to her instead. In that moment, my priority was still to get the work done, no matter what. When I looked up at my date, he seemed so lost. Not frustrated. Just, lost. I could tell he still liked me but was probably conflicted on whether to knock my hustle. I was being so apologetic about the interruptions, that it delayed damage, and softened the blow. Still, I hated that I was losing his interest. In that moment, I decided to call my boss, and reluctantly tell her I was on a date. She immediately said, 'Girl, why didn't you tell me? Go enjoy your date. I'll get another person to post it. Don't worry!'
"I realized we create our own boundaries. What you accept, will always be what you get. A boss is never going to stop a worker bee from buzzing, especially when you're a 'bee' like me who takes pride in her hive (aka my job). But if you don't speak up, no one will say 'no' for you either."
"And at the end of the day, unless you're a doctor or performing life-saving services, you are in the position to say 'no,' more often than you think." –Soraya "Sojo," Digital Director + Personality
Featured image via Insecure/HBO
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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You know, sometimes, when I go back and look at some of the articles that I’ve penned for the platform before, I truly can’t believe how fast time flies. Take the piece, “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?” — now, how in the world did it turn five this year? I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around it. And although the piece does address some key points — like the fact that there is somewhat of a difference between being spiritual and being religious (although more people should read James 1:27 in order to understand how the Bible defines religion to be…it just might surprise them) — I want to explore a deeper angle of our spirituality, along with what we should require of it.
Today, let’s look at spirituality from the perspective of “the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things,” “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…” (Murray and Zentner) and, perhaps, more than anything else, “the relationship between ourselves and something larger."
You know, it’s a woman by the name of Dr. Maya Spencer who once said, “Spirituality means knowing that our lives have significance in a context beyond a mundane everyday existence at the level of biological needs that drive selfishness and aggression. It means knowing that we are a significant part of a purposeful unfolding of Life in our universe.” Indeed.
And while keeping that in mind, if this is a time of your life when you would like to “clean or cleanse your spirituality” by doing things like removing negative energy, getting rid of old or counterproductive patterns and/or by stepping into an elevated space as far as your human spirit and soul are concerned, you might be pleasantly surprised by how easy and even fun that can be for you to do.
To effectively clean/cleanse your spirit, start by asking — and answering — the following five spirituality-focused questions:
What Inspires You?
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Remember how, in the intro, I shared that one definition of spirituality is “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…”? That is actually where I am pulling a lot of these questions from because, the reality is that focusing on things that inspire you, intentionally pondering your purpose, and also by encouraging yourself to become an overall better human being — these things definitely tie into your spiritual side whether you are “traditionally religious” or not.
And so, when it comes to cleansing your spirituality in this season, a great question to start off with is what actually inspires you? And listen, believe it or not, inspire is a pretty layered word. I say that because, while one definition is “to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.),” another is “to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence,” while synonyms of the word include excite, affect, cause, motivate, provoke, and instill. This means that if you truly want to say or do things from a place of inspiration, you need to produce things from a divine or supernatural space (interesting, right?).
The reason why it’s so important to “spring clean” in this department is, oftentimes you can be motivated or provoked by things that aren’t really all that good, healthy and/or beneficial for you (social media fast, anyone?) — things that take your mind off of what’s divine — sacred, godly and extremely good. As a result, you find yourself producing out of a mind and heart space that is compromised when it comes to your core standards, values, and even goals.
So yes, in the effort to cleanse your spirituality, begin by really reflecting on what you claim inspires you — then revisit what the word actually means…just to be sure that you are being honest with yourself about whether something or one is truly inspiring you…or not.
What Amplifies Your Purpose?
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Purpose is always something that is going to be a pretty big deal to me. That’s why I’ve written articles for the platform like “What Does It Mean To Have 'Purposeful Relationships'?,” “Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose,” “The Conversation You Need To Have With Yourself Before The New Year Begins,” “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'” and “5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose.” It’s because really, if you’re not focused, most of all, on the reason why you exist in the first place, nothing else is going to be fully, truly, and authentically fulfilling for you.
So, when it comes to this part of your spirituality, first take some time to make sure that you know what your purpose is. If you have no clue and you’re ready to find out, as a wise person once said, wisdom comes in the questions, even more than the answers, and Rockwood Leadership Institute has a whopping 132 questions that you can ask yourself in order to get to the root of what your purpose is here. On the flip side, if you do know and you’re just not feeling completely satisfied in what you are currently doing as it relates to executing your purpose, it sounds to me like you are going through a bit of a “purpose growth spurt,” and yes, there is such a thing.
For instance, I am very clear on what my purpose in life is — I am here to teach what I study and research about when it comes to the topics of covenant marriage, sex, and the biblical Sabbath. All are covenant principles that have been unbelievably compromised in a thousand different ways. However, as I evolve, transform, and mature, my understanding of what I know does as well, and that “upgrades” how I approach and share my purpose with others. You see, purpose is never supposed to be stagnant…it is ever-shifting as far as how you accomplish things within it.
And that’s why, spiritually, it’s so important that you make sure that you are AMPLIFYING YOUR PURPOSE. To amplify is “to make larger, greater, or stronger; enlarge; extend.” If you are not putting forth the effort to do just this, there is some spiritual cleansing that must be done because, if there is one thing about a person’s purpose, it’s the fact that it’s HUGE which means that there will always be plenty to do within it until their time on this earth ends.
What Makes You Love Better…and More?
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I believe I’ve mentioned before that a show that I loathe with every fiber of my being (and there really is so much to choose from these days — SMDH) is TV One’s For My Man. Not only is it a program that discourages full-level accountability, but it irks me to no end every time that it says that a woman did some heinous crime in the name of love. According to Scripture, GOD IS LOVE (I John 4:8&16). Not only that, but the Love Chapter in Scripture has a very healthy, sane, and mature take on how we should love and require love in return (I’m going to share two translations of I Corinthians 13:4-8 for expanded context):
“Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always ‘me first,’ doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies.” (I Corinthians 13 — Message)
“Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].” (I Corinthians 13 — AMPC)
Now, think about what you see displayed on television when it comes to relationships. Based on these verses, is it love? Is it really? Ponder all of the relationship content that’s on social media. Does it sound like this kind of love? Does it really? The times when you’ve done things that you know were purely rooted in selfishness, impatience, and/or refusing to do for others what you would want them to do for you — how can any of that be loving? If you do believe in God and you also believe that you were made in his image (Genesis 1:26-28), this means that a part of your own spiritual DNA is love. This also means that if you know that your love has been tainted by material or physical things (which, by definition, is the opposite of spirituality), it’s time to make some real adjustments.
That said, take some time, think about the people and things that you profess to love, and ask yourself if it’s really love or is it lust or entitlement or immaturity. Then ask yourself what you can do to love those individuals and items better.
Remember, since you are made from Love, it’s important that you love like you are.
How Effective Are You When It Comes to Compassion?
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Personally, I think that whenever someone does something reckless and then follows up with the Bible says not to judge, I find it to be a supreme level of gaslighting. The context of that verse is saying that in the way that you judge, you will be judged and that you should make sure that you are right in the area that you are judging before you judge someone else (Matthew 7:1-5); however, be clear that judgment is a form of accountability which is why there are also verses like “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment” (John 7:24 — NKJV) that exist — not to mention the fact that discernment literally means “keen judgment” and the Good Book supremely promotes that: “Strike a scoffer, and the simple will become wary; rebuke one who has understanding, and hewill discern knowledge.” (Proverbs 19:25 — NKJV)
And that’s why, any time the topic of “don’t judge” comes up, I am known for saying something along the lines of, “PUH-LEEZE. If I say ‘You’re cute,’ I just judged you. Humans don’t have a problem with judgment; they don’t like criticism or accountability.” And gee, is that unfortunate because it’s hard to grow without both of those things. However, the key that comes with being on the giving end of criticism or holding someone accountable is applying a quote by author Anne McCaffrey: “Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
This world has a lot of…stuff going on, stuff that needs to be addressed and stuff that needs compassion applied while it is. By definition, compassion is about having concern for others, especially if what you see them going through, they have either told you or you can discern is tied to some level of internal suffering. And that’s why, in the spirit of spiritual cleansing, something else to ask is if you are holding others and even yourself accountable while operating from a place of genuine care and concern or is your ego just wanting to elevate itself or prove that it’s right?
You know, we’re living in a time when, more and more, people are frowning on humility which is unfortunate because a definite quality that comes with being a compassionate person is absolutely that — “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4 — NKJV)
It really is almost impossible to be profoundly spiritual without being a compassionate person. Is this an area that needs some “cleaning up”? If so, there is no time like the present.
What Encourages You to Be Wiser and Full of More Truth?
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Musician Jimi Hendrix once said, “Knowledge speaks, wisdom listens.” Aristotle once said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” Confucius once said, “By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is the noblest; second, by imitation, which is the easiest; and third, by experience, which is the bitterest." Thomas Jefferson once said, “The wisest men know their weakness.” Author Gift Gugu Mona once said, “A woman of peace is a wise woman who understands that peace is more powerful than trying to prove a point.”
And what does it mean to be wise?
People who can regulate their emotions are wise. People who actually learn from their experiences (and the experiences of others, so that they don’t have to experience everything) are wise. People who know how to tame their ego are wise. People who are flexible/adaptable, non-materialistic, are self-aware, can be relied upon for great perspectives and insights, and are teachable are wise. The self-disciplined are wise. The patient are wise. The non-entitled are wise. Those who prioritize well are wise.
Those who do not live above their means (across the board), they are also wise. And there is no way that you can be wise without being willing to be completely honest, yes truthful with yourself about where you could stand to gain more wisdom and what must be done — and sometimes sacrificed — in order to get it.
And so, as I close this piece out, when it comes to spring cleaning your spirituality, ask yourself who and what encourages and enables you to become a wiser individual — AND who and what hinders that from transpiring. Then be honest with yourself about what is challenging you for the better and what, frankly, is only dumbing you down. Indeed, in order to live out the full potential of your spirituality, wisdom must come into play. However, it’s important to keep in mind that, for wisdom to truly flourish, it is a conscious choice — a daily decision.
And it will never come so long as you are making up excuses, justifying poor behavior (check out “Accountability Time: Let's Stop Calling It A 'Mistake' When It Was A 'Choice'”) or lying to yourself about what needs to be done. Taking those approaches to life is literally the opposite of being wise.
A French priest by the name of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin once said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” I can only imagine how much the quality of our lives would improve if we took that in on a very serious level.
The good news is you can choose to do it — right here and right now.
See yourself as a spiritual being.
Clean/cleanse whatever hinders that reality.
And watch how you begin to soar, supernaturally, by design, because of it, sis.
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