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Mental Foreplay Hacks That Ultimately Takes Intercourse To New Levels
The interesting thing about foreplay is, a lot of people only factor in the physical whenever the topic—or the act—comes up. And while, to a certain extent, that's all well and good, the best lovers know that if you get someone's mind in the space to want to engage in a lil' hot 'n heavy coitus, the body is pretty much gonna follow. This is why I personally believe that mental foreplay is so important. And when you really get down to what it truly entails, I think you'll also start to see that it consists of a set of actions that transpire long before two people are boo'ed up in the bedroom.
Whether your sex life is currently bangin' (no pun intended) or it honestly could improve on a few levels, I've got 10 ways for you to get your mind in a space where you're totally looking forward to having sex. Good. Hot. Long. Passionate. Totally mind-blowing sex. Ready?
1. Start Your Day with Something That Makes You Feel Sexy
Again, when it comes to having a great sex life, one of the greatest mistakes that a lot of people make is waiting until a few moments before the actual act to do anything that will put them—and their partner—in the mood. Let's break out of that pattern, shall we? One way to do that is to get up out of bed with the decision to do something that will make you feel sexy all day long. It could be putting on some sexy lingerie underneath your work clothes. Wearing a scent that you already know drives your partner insane (in the best way possible, of course). Putting on your favorite red dress, blouse, pumps, or shade of lipstick (red symbolizes love, passion, and energy). It really is up to you.
Whatever you decide to do, just make sure it's something that makes you walk with more of a sway in your hips, speak with a little more "breath" in your tone of voice, and definitely makes you think of the endless possibilities between you and your boo thang all day long.
2. Shorten Your Work Meetings
While on the surface, this one might seem a bit odd, just stick with me and I'm sure you'll see the vision. An elder in my life used to say, "After 15 minutes on the phone, all you end up doing is repeating yourself." To a large extent, that is some spot-on insight. You know what else tends to be longer than it should? Work-related meetings. Two hours, shoot, even an hour, more times than not, ends up dragging along and wearing you out (whether it's over Zoom or not). So, when it comes to the meetings that you actually can control, try and shorten them to 30 minutes. You'd be amazed how it will force you and others to get to the point and get on with the day.
And just how will this tactic help your sex life? Well, by the time you get home, you won't feel quite as mentally drained. As a bonus, it can also help you to make the most of your time in the bedroom too. Hey, sometimes life gets hectic and so, while an orgasm or two sounds really nice in theory, you may have a hard time figuring out how to fit it in. Sometimes carving out 30 minutes for a lil' quickie seems a whole lot more doable than trying to pull off an all-nighter. And since work has taught you to make the most of your time, it's easier for that to translate once you're off of the clock.
3. Say “No” More Often
It was actually Steve Jobs who once said, "It's only by saying 'no' that you can concentrate on the things that are really important." When it comes to spending some quality time with your partner, I can't think of too many more things that should take precedence over that. Yeah, we all have 24 hours in a day and yet, when it's all said and done (eight hours for work and eight hours for sleep), some of us only have eight "free" hours. If saying "yes" to everyone is resulting in you feeling frazzled, frustrated or totally out of the mood, most of the time, something's gotta give—and it shouldn't be your sex life. Each week, put together a schedule. Start with the things that are of the utmost priority and work your way down. Things that can be put off until later, schedule them for that. Stuff that you know you should say "no" to, do that too. Life is too short to not be saying, "yes, yes, YES!" more often. If you know what I mean. Say "no" so that you can say "yes".
4. Hug Yourself
Tell me something. When was the last time that you hugged yourself? It might sound a lil' cray-cray; however, if you Google the benefits that come from doing just that, it includes everything from improving your self-esteem and calming you down to putting you in a better mood and even boosting your immune system. The real tripped out part? All you need to do is embrace yourself for 20 seconds in order to feel some of these effects. And we all know that the better we feel, the more interested in sex we tend to be. So do you, your partner and your sex life a favor and hug yourself a few times throughout the day. It can be the kind of mental foreplay hack that can make all of the difference in the world.
5. Listen to Some Sexy Music
Last spring, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, "Before You Pull Out Your Playlist, This Is How Music Affects Your Sex Life". Something that's a scientific fact is, whenever we listen to sexy music, it affects the pleasure, bonding and limbic (the part that deals with our emotions as well as our memory) parts of our brain. In fact, when we listen to a song that we really like, it can have a similar effect as sexual pleasure.
Lawd. No wonder listening to Jodeci (or even an indie old-school joint called "Interstate") can still make a sistah mentally "go in". Some of us are good for playing some 90s R&B or Doja Cat as a way to set the mood. What I'm encouraging you to do is to move the getting-into-the-mood space hours before by listening to your favorite sexy tunes. It's a mental form of edging that is truly unmatched.
6. Take 20-30 Minutes to “Shift Gears” When You Get Home
If you're married, something that I recommend you check out is "7 Things Married Couples Should Do...At The END Of Their Day". One of the tips that I recommend in it is that you give yourself and your spouse at least 20 minutes to mentally shift gears from what is needed at work to what is needed at home (even if you and your partner don't live together, this can be a helpful thing; to not call them all of the time on the way home, so that they can always mentally get out of "work mode"). Sometimes, we're so in a rush to get on with whatever is required in the house, that it can put unnecessary pressure and strain on us and our partner—and stress isn't sexy. Greeting them at the door with a kiss and then being intentional about giving each other some quiet time can work wonders when it comes to everyone processing the energy of the house. And you know what? This can ultimately make both of you feel so much more receptive to getting intimate…later in the evening.
7. Write Down Your CURRENT Sexual Needs
I've shared before that one of my favorite couple-related quotes is, "People change and forget to tell one another." The reality is that the person you said your vows to on your wedding day is going to change, many times, in a variety of different ways, before their life comes to an end. So will you. And if the two of you don't share each other's thoughts, feelings and needs during those different stages of transitions, it's very easy to literally grow apart—to even become strangers to a certain extent.
Your sex life is not exempt from this point. Truth is, what turned you on and got you off in your 20s may be very different in your 30s, 40s and 50s (check out "How Your Man Can Adjust To Your 'Sexual Growth Spurts'"). That's why, I don't care how long you've been with someone or how well you think that they know you, it is your responsibility to convey what your current sexual needs are. I don't mean that you be vague or abstract either. Get as specific as possible. One way to make sure that you are crystal clear is to write your thoughts down beforehand. Sex journaling is a technique that can help you to process where you stand, so that you're mentally confident enough to have the conversation with your partner. A huge part of sex is about communication. The clearer you are, the better.
8. Focus on Body Positivity
I recently had a debate with someone about the fact that, I find it really interesting that, while a lot of women will say that a man is shallow if he isn't attracted to a plus-size woman, oftentimes those same plus-size women don't ever consider dating heavier men (the double standards really are abundant out here!). When it comes to embracing body positivity, we all really need to practice what we preach. Anyway, if you're someone who always prefers to have sex in the dark, limits sex to certain positions (that make you feel less body-conscious) and/or you can't remember the last time when you had sex completely naked, please read "These 10 Hacks Will Help You Love Your Body More", "10 Sensuous Ways To Boost Your Sexual Self-Esteem" and "Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey".
If you're already sexually involved with someone, believe you me that they are already into you and far less critical than you are about your body. All they want you to do is enjoy them while they enjoy you. That's so much easier to do when you feel more positive about your body. Please make that a top priority, just as soon as you possibly can.
9. Take Clocks Out of Your Bedroom
No doubt about it. There really is such a thing as being a slave to the clock. Don't believe me? How many times have you been at home, enjoying a movie or talking on the phone, looked over at the clock and then ended either activity suddenly, just because of what the clock revealed to you? While there is something to be said for keeping a schedule, there's also something to be said for relaxing more when it comes to how we process time as well. That said, if you've got a clock in your bedroom, it could be a covert enemy when it comes to you enjoying sex more often because 1) you might deny sex because the clock says it's too late or 2) you might rethink having it in the middle of the night because the clock says it's too early or 3) you may abruptly end sex (or try to rush it along) because of the time that is on the clock. Bedrooms are for sex and sleep and that really can't be stated enough. Anything in your bedroom that is mentally, physically or even emotionally hinder either activity from happening—it's really gotta go.
10. Flirt. Then Foreplay.
Have you ever looked up the definitions of flirting before? One of them is "to behave or act amorously without emotional commitment". However, as we close this out, the one that I'm referring to is "to deal playfully". Flirting can be cool because it takes the pressure off of trying to be super seductive—at least initially—if you think that it will somehow make you feel self-conscious. Winking and/or blowing kisses at your partner. Leaving a cute note somewhere that they'll see it. Complimenting them. Initiating an impromptu slow dance. Starting a pillow fight. These are just a few ways that you can flirt as a way to bring some laughter and sweetness into the dynamic before transitioning into foreplay—which will hopefully transition into full-on sexual intercourse.
I know. Mental foreplay hacks don't get brought up often. Hopefully, though, you're able to see how they can definitely play a role in improving your sex life. Because when your mind is right—the sky truly is the limit when it comes to all sorts of sexual possibilities!
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Love On The Brain: What Science Says Loving Someone Does To You Mentally
I dig science. A big part of the reason why is because I really enjoy researching the “whys” of things. While my father always liked that about me, my mother oftentimes had something slick to say about it (that’s another message for another time, chile). To me, it’s whatever. For better or for worse, I’m simply not someone who accepts that the sky is blue “just because” — put it on my daddy’s DNA, I guess; with no apologies in place, I almost always want to know why something is the way that it is.
And since I spend so much of my time working with couples and writing on relationships, I’m sure no one is shocked that I’ve done my due diligence when it comes to figuring out what is really going on in the minds of humans whenever they are hyped about being in love. While on the surface level, it might seem like I’m being cynical, I’m actually not. It’s more about…well, again, I’ve been working with couples and writing about relationships for so long at this point that I think it’s important for folks to know the difference between an “emotional surge” and a truly wise love decision — and being aware of the role that the brain plays when we think that we’re in love with someone? That can help to bring some perspective and clarity into all of this.
So, whether you’re in something new and you’re currently on cloud nine, you’ve been in something for a while now and you’re wondering if you’ve “lost that loving feeling” or if you’re borderline on the verge of self-sabotage or, you’re like me, and you simply like to know random information just because — I’ve got 10 things that might be of interest to you as far as what science says love can literally do to you on the mental tip.
It’s fascinating stuff, indeed.
1. Dopamine Gets Activated
It’s pretty interesting thatdopamine is a type of neurotransmitter that plays a significant role in things like how you are able to experience pleasure or create memories because both of those are quite relevant when you’re in love with someone. Well, according to science, when you feel like you truly love an individual, dopamine gets activated on a whole ‘nother level to the point where you not only feel euphoric but,it’s at the level of what alcohol or a cocaine high can produce (have mercy!) I’m not exaggerating, either.
In fact, Medical News Today once published an article entitled, “Falling In Love Hits The Brain Like Cocaine Does.” Hmm…makes you wonder if some people run up outta there marriages, not because there’s really anything “wrong”; it’s just that they have crashed from their “cocaine high” and no one prepared them for how to handle it (get into premarital counseling, engaged folks; it makes all the difference in the world!). Also,as far as dopamine goes, when men are “falling” for a woman, it’s dopamine and vasopressin that increase, while, for women, it’s dopamine and oxytocin. During sex, vasopressin drops in men, while oxytocin increases when a woman climaxes. The more you know.2. Euphoria Increases
Let’s go a little bit deeper into the whole euphoria thing. At the end of the day, euphoria is about intensity. I mean, a part of the reason whythe series Euphoria has been so popular (and jarring) is that it showshow drug abuse can put people into a euphoric state — at first in a pleasurable way and eventually on a devastating level. When it comes to love, some experts say that three stages transpire when you feel like you’re in a love-related euphoric state:arousal, attraction, and attachment. And you know what? If you aren’t intentional about doing what Ben Franklin once said (“If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”), you could find yourself being on a roller coaster of emotions without having a relationship that consists of much stability. Yeah, euphoria increasing can be problematic as hell if you don’t get all of what comes with that.
3. Oxytocin Surges
When it comes to the articles that I’ve written on love, sex, and relationships on this platform, I don’t know if there’sany hormone that I’ve shouted out more than oxytocin. That’s because there are countless amounts of intel supporting the fact thatit bonds people through things like hand-holding, cuddling, kissing, and definitely sex. That’s whysome experts say that oxytocin can cause people to become “single-minded” about a person, it cancultivate feelings of trust, and it can literallycreate physiological changes that cause you to seek out your love interest.
This is a part of the reason why, when people declare that they are “in love” after say, a one-night stand, my mind immediately thinks, “Eh. Sounds more like an oxytocin surge.” You don’t know them well enough to love them; you can “love” how they make you feel, though. It’s essential to know the difference.
4. Fear Decreases
Now, this is an interesting one. Something else that science says happens when people are in love is the neural pathway that is associated with things like fear and judgment. It actually deactivates itself (chile…CHILE). Yep, some studies reveal that the part of your brain that encourages you to make “critical assessments” of individuals. When you feel like you love them, that shuts down. As a direct result, in walks the rose-colored glasses, and out goes the red flags. And that’s why, when I recently read that a particular actor didn’t heed some warnings from her friends regarding her new relationship, I literally shook my damn head.
When you’re all in love, especially in the beginning stages, having folks around who don’t feel the same ways about the person as you do can actually help you out in the long run, so long as they are good friends with a solid track record, they are going to notice some things that your neural pathway is keeping you from paying close attention to. Yeah, y’all be careful out there.
5. Your Prefrontal Cortex Slows Down
Speaking of desensitized senses, something else that transpires when you’re caught up in someone isyour prefrontal cortex becomes sluggish. Why is this problematic? Well, that’s where the logical part of your brain is housed. This means that when you love someone, you may not be the best at making sound and practical decisions. Although I don’t agree with an article that said this means that love is illogical (love is sound, sane, and stable; it’s folks who jack relationships up…not love), I do think all of this is a reminder that you must rely on more than just how someone makes you feel when you’re trying to decide who to build a life with. Moving on.
6. Your Hypothalamus Revs Up Your Sex Hormones
I don’t know about y’all, but I don’t know too many people who aren’t attracted to the object of their love and affection. And so, when you do fall in love, something else that happens isthe part of your brain known as the hypothalamus stimulates your ovaries while it also stimulates your man’s testicles — and that is what makes you feel an overwhelming feeling of desire (i.e., lust) for your partner.
7. Your Brain’s “Reward Circuit” Lights All the Way Up
Speaking of longing for your partner, three parts of your brain — the amygdala, the hippocampus, and the prefrontal cortex — are known as its “reward circuit,” and whenever you even speak about your bae, this is the part of your brain that lights up like a Christmas tree. Something that’s really interesting about this particular point is, that while this is happening, your serotonin levels typically drop.
Why does this matter? Well, serotonin helps to keep your anxiety levels in balance, and it also helps you to regulate your appetite(s). This would automatically cause me to believe that people who struggle with love addiction probably have a low level of serotonin operating in their system.
Oh, speaking of serotonin, although you may never think to get your hormone levels checked strictly to learn more about how you’re acting/reacting in your romantic relationship,I also found it interesting that people who have more dopamine in their system tend to take more risks when it comes to love while those who have more serotonin are usually far more cautious. Meaning, that how you are in your relationship(s) may not be just about your personality; your hormone levels tend to have a say as well.
8. Your Anterior Cingulate Cortex May Make You Obsessive
Your anterior cingulate cortex is the part of your brain that’s associated with things likemotivation and action. Anyway, since overactivity in this part of the brain is oftentimes linked to things like obsessive-compulsive disorder,some researchers believe that the reason why some people seem to think obsessively about their partner, almost to the point of obsession, if they don’t stay on top of it, is because of how their brain reacts to their attachment to their partner.For the record, this is also the part of your brain that literally lights up whenever you see your partner, too.
9. Vagus Nerves “Sync Up”
Your vagus nerves are a part of your nervous system that starts at your brain and runs through your digestive tract. This makes them an integral part of things like your immunity, your speech, your moods, and your heart rate. As far as your brain goes, some studies reveal that after a couple has been together for a longer period of time, it’s not uncommon for their vagus nerves to “sync up” in the sense of having similar facial expressions and hand gestures being and even their hearts starting to beat at the same pace.As a direct result, the syncing makes it easier for both individuals to make sacrifices for one another in order to remain together. Share that with your grandparents the next time you see them. #wink
10. If You’ve Been Together for a While, Your Angular Gyrus Becomes Stronger
Speaking of longevity, another perk that comes with couples who choose to go the distance is the part of their brain known astheir angular gyrus becomes more active. What’s actually sweet about this is that not only is this what makes it easier for you to learn complex languages, but you can also start to anticipate your partner’s actions with it too. As a direct result, science says that many couples can finish each other’s sentences — and it’s all because their angular gyrus has gotten stronger as a result of them staying committed.
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After reading all of this, how could anyone possibly look at being in love casually? There are far too many intricate parts at work — yes, literally. Yeah, when Rihanna sang about having “love on the brain,” she said more than a mouthful…whether she realized it or not.
And if you declare that you are in love, make sure to factor in what your brain is going through. Then choose wisely. Even your brain and mental health depend on it. Also…literally.
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