

May kicks off with a transformational Full Moon in Scorpio leading us into retrograde season. With Saturn and Jupiter helping up redefine our boundaries and Venus reminding us of the importance of communication—we're being equipped with the tools to create better relationship dynamics with ourselves and others. With Mars moving into Pisces, we're feeling the love and compassion for humanity. Once the Sun and Moon join the Gemini party, we're encouraged to connect and collaborate (even if that's just online for now).
Check out your horoscope for the month ahead below!
Aries
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The beginning of the month invites you to slay the metaphorical dragon in your life that makes you want to hide your truth. It's time to show up more boldly than ever before. On the 11th, Saturn goes retro for the next six months, making this the perfect time to redefine what success means to you and to restructure your approach towards that career win. Getting more acquainted with social media marketing may be an important piece to the puzzle.
The energy slows down mid-month, encouraging you to recognize the importance that rest plays in your creative process. Who knows? Your dreams could reveal your next big move. On the 14th, Jupiter goes retro, encouraging you to get into the details of mapping out your legacy. Keep in mind that people matter and the interactions you have over the next month can make or break your winning streak.
Taurus
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It's "mask off" season for you as the Full Moon reveals the true intentions of those around you. Whether you've got a secret admirer or a shady business acquaintance, all cards are finally on the table. Over the next six months, the Saturn retrograde encourages you to reassess your spiritual beliefs and practices. Are they serving you on the path towards greater personal power or are they a constant reminder that suffering is required for you to earn what you desire?
On the 13th, Mars enters Pisces, inviting you to lead with your heart—especially amongst your social circle. Don't dismiss the impact that an inspirational IG post can have on some of your followers at this time. Your personal experiences are a gold mine and once Jupiter goes retro, you'll have the attention span to finally get to work on writing that novel or creating those spiritual workshops. Near the end of the month, much of the action takes place in your money house, granting you the curiosity to explore a new lane and expand your sources of income.
Gemini
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The #StayAtHome agenda may seem like a good excuse to not exercise but the Full Moon this month says otherwise. Put the potato chips down and opt for some carrot sticks instead. On the 11th, Saturn goes retrograde, helping you understand the power dynamics within yourself and in your relationships. It's time to get real about how you're misusing your power or not owning it at all. When Mars moves into Pisces, you'll be put to the test as you gain more authority and influence in your career.
Your self-love journey comes into greater focus on the 13th when Venus goes retrograde in your sign. How have you been nurturing (or neglecting) your curiosity, your ideas, and your throat chakra? On the 14th, Jupiter follows suit, inviting you into the fold for some much-needed soul-searching. This is also a supportive time to invest in your mental and emotional health, whether that's through therapy, self-help books, or your connection to the Divine. Your birthday season officially begins on the 20th and the New Moon on the 22nd encourages you to set some intentions for the year ahead. Stay on the look-out for an important conversation or financial opportunity that presents while Mercury transits through Cancer for the next couple of months.
Cancer
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The weather is heating up and so are you, thanks to a sexy Full Moon in Scorpio at the beginning of the month. Your sacral chakra is overflowing with creativity right now. Whether you're channeling that energy into making art or making babies, you've got the magic touch. On the 11th, Saturn goes retro and this four-month period requires you to make some adjustments in your close, one-to-one relationships. Remember, babe—asserting your boundaries doesn't make you the bad guy.
Around mid-May, take is easy on yourself. Mercury moving into Gemini has your spidey-senses more sensitive than usual. If your insomnia is keeping you up late at night, try to put your phone away an hour before bedtime. On the 13th, Mars enters Pisces, inspiring you to deepen your understanding of your spiritual beliefs and your connection to a higher power. Towards the end of the month, you're invited to tie up loose ends in preparation for your solar return. You don't have to feel guilty about outgrowing your past. With Mercury moving into your sign, communicating your feelings will come a little bit easier.
Leo
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Tensions in the household are high during the week leading up to the Full Moon. All cards are on the table and there's no going back, so make sure you don't say something you'll regret. If you're tired of choosing the high road, it's time to make some preparations to move elsewhere. On the 11th, Saturn begins its retrograde and over the next four months you're given the opportunity to redefine your approach to wellness. What boundaries do you need to assert to protect your peace of mind and physical health?
Towards the middle of the month, things are getting steamy, making this a perfect time to deepen your bond with a significant other or get a little more acquainted with self-pleasure. On the 14th, Jupiter goes retro, helping you get into the details of organizing a more efficient approach towards your goals. Watch out for pushing yourself too hard! Success takes time. Your social life is buzzing towards the end of the month, making it a perfect time to host that private Zoom party so you can fill your friends in on the latest tea. The month ends on a quiet note, inviting you to kick up your feet for a stay-at-home spa day—complimentary champagne included.
Virgo
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The secret is out—whether it's that weird habit you have of saving your toenail clippings, that book you've been writing behind the scenes, or even some hidden feelings you have for your virtual personal trainer. On the 11th, you'll begin a four-month journey of revamping your approach to romance. What power struggles do you often find yourself getting pulled into? Look to your inner child for more understanding. Your one-on-one relationships with others come into focus when Mars moves into Pisces. A healthy connection requires that both parties' boundaries be honored.
It's time to get into the details when Jupiter goes retro on the 14th. If you want to have a baby, this is the perfect time to strategize your fertility plan.This is also a supportive time to revisit an old project or idea that could use a little more TLC. Towards the end of the month, most of your attention is directed towards your career goals. Steer clear of gossip and channel that chatty energy into a podcast instead. An opportunity to flex your gift of gab or the pen may present itself around the New Moon on the 22nd. The month comes to a close, reminding you of the importance of having a soft place to land amongst your tribe.
Libra
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The start of the month sets you up for a much-needed breakthrough related to an experience that had you questioning your self-worth. Recognize how you've given your power away by prioritizing other people's opinion about you over your own. When Saturn goes retrograde on the 11th, you're invited to redefine what family and home means to you. As easy-going as you are, it's important that you assert boundaries when necessary—even when it comes to your Mom calling you every day at the crack of dawn. You've got more important things to focus on like leading a COVID-19 relief fundraiser for low-income families.
Around the middle of the month, Jupiter begins its retrograde and for the next four months, you're encouraged to connect with your ancestors for the wisdom that you seek. Who knows? You could end up receiving a secret recipe for a top-selling product like our good sis Beatrice Dixon—founder of the widely loved Honey Pot brand. On the 20th, the Sun enters Gemini and is shortly followed by a New Moon. You're on a pursuit of higher knowledge whether you're starting up school again or teaching yourself a new language. Towards the end of the month, your kindness and compassion elevates you on the path to greater success and influence.
Scorpio
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All eyes are on you leading up to your Full Moon on the 7th, making this the perfect time to reveal something you've been working on behind the scenes, whether it's that cooking blog or your new protective hairstyle. When Saturn goes retrograde, you'll be spending the next few months on redefining the way you communicate with others. If you're a writer or public speaker, this transit supports you in rolling up your sleeves and getting down to business. On the 13th, Mars enters Pisces whisking you away into romantic fantasies that you plan on making your reality (maybe after the Rona makes her exit).
On the 14th, Jupiter goes retrograde and you're curious about taking your knowledge to the next level, making this a good time to crack one, or a few, of those books accumulating dust on your shelf. Gemini season officially begins on the 22nd with the New Moon following shortly behind. Over the next month, your interest in psychology, self-help, and esoteric studies is heightened. When it comes to your relationships, it's time to go deep and you just might find yourself enjoying some intriguing late night convos with your friend or romantic interest. The month comes to a close bringing news of [delayed] travel and opportunities overseas that you can act on this summer.
Sagittarius
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The beginning of the month can be quite revealing as we lead up to the Full Moon in Scorpio. Pay close attention to your dreams and you just might find out who's been sending the evil eye your way. Never fret, though. Lean on your spiritual support team for discernment to weed out the real from the fake. At this point, you know your worth and Saturn retrograde will help you understand that more deeply. Experiences of the past may have attempted to mark you as damaged goods, but the wisdom you've gained from them empowers you to make choices that reflect your worth moving forward.
Around mid-month, Mars brings your attention to home and family matters, making this a perfect time to smooth out any drama. Connecting with your ancestors through the dream realm, meditation, and prayer is also encouraged for bringing healing to your bloodline. On the 20th, the Sun enters Gemini, your relationship house. With Venus already retrograde in this part of your chart, and a New Moon on the 22nd, this is a supportive time for improving communication with bae or a business colleague. Towards the end of the month, life gets a little more private when Mercury enters Cancer, encouraging a level of emotional transparency in you that may make you squeamish. Surrender to the feels, my love.
Capricorn
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Right out of the gate, you're getting clear on where your loyalties lie as the Full Moon places a spotlight on your friends and social network. Let go of shady folks and invest your energy into people that you know are 100% team Cappie. Your ruling planet begins its retrograde on the 11th and for most of this transit you'll be redefining the boundaries between you and others. This is also a good time to switch up your appearance or revisit that old fitness routine. Just imagine where four months of consistent effort can get you.
Around the middle of the month, you're softening up when Mars enters Pisces. Cat got your tongue? You may have difficulty expressing deep emotions at this time. Journal it out, make a song, or write a poem. Whatever you do—please spare us the sappy subliminal tweets towards that person you've been crushing on secretly for a year. Towards the end of the month, your attention is on improving your mental and physical health. Remember, wellness is a lifestyle. It's not just something you prioritize on occasion. A big part of your well-being has to do with your relationships as well and when Mercury moves into Cancer, you're encouraged to focus on the nurturing connections that bring you good vibes.
Aquarius
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Your life path could be going through some changes at the top of the month. Around the Full Moon, you may decided that a current career path is no longer in alignment with you. If you've been working on a project, this is a favorable time to reveal the final results. When Saturn begins its four-month-long retrograde, you'll be encouraged to face some of the ghosts of your past. Examining your subconscious beliefs and past-life karma is the key for breaking free of limitations. On the 13th, Mars enters Pisces and you've got the magic touch when it comes to making money.
When Jupiter goes retrograde around the middle of the month, you'll be soaking up all of the gems through the Akashic Records, your dream time, and even messages from your ancestors. Gemini season officially begins on the 20th, which has you feeling flirtatious, creative, and adventurous. With a New Moon following shortly behind, you're invited to plant the seeds for a new endeavor that will bring your inner child to life (or even help you procreate if you want to have a baby). The month winds down with Mercury entering Cancer. In what ways do you need to nurture your mental and physical well-being? Instead of high-intensity workouts, opt for dancing or yoga to soothe your sensitive nerves.
Pisces
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We've got a Full Moon in Scorpio early on in the month, making it the perfect time to reveal that new online course or e-book you've been working on. Your intuitive abilities are heightened around this time. Do your best to stay grounded to avoid feelings of paranoia or anxiety. When Saturn goes retrograde, you may be required to adjust your boundaries when it comes to friends or your social media engagement. On the 13th, Mars enters your sign and you're encouraged to embrace your anger instead of suppressing it. Feeling upset doesn't make you any less of a good person. It just makes you human.
When Jupiter goes retrograde, you're gaining the insight you need to take your dreams to the next level. Gemini season begins on the 20th, bringing your attention to home and family. A New Moon on the 22nd can present some communication that gives you the go-ahead for that home loan or apartment lease. If you're interested in investing into property, now is the time to learn all of the ins and outs of the industry. Near the end of the month, Mercury enters Cancer bringing a sweet, nurturing vibe to your life making this a supportive time to create art (or babies).
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'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Relationships Shouldn't Be 'Hard Work.' They Should Be Maintenance.
Gross generalizations. Boy, if there’s one thing that social media is good for (other than acting like an opinion is a bona fide fact — SMDH), it’s speaking in gross generalizations. Take some commentary that I recently checked out by a male married influencer (name unnecessary). Although there is quite a bit of his content and perspectives that I appreciate, I did roll my eyes as I watched him share his thoughts on a post by a single woman who was giving relationship advice.
In response, there was something he said that was indeed a gross generalization (and opinion not fact): “Never listen to single women talk about relationships. They’re single.”
I’ve never been married before (which is how I personally define single), so did that trigger me? Eh. Trigger isn’t the right word (check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships”); more like, it reminded me of how tired I am of, again, shallow and gross generalizations. You see, I’ve been a marriage life coach, successfully so, for over 20 years now and I’m even super proud to say that I’ve been able to help to reconcile a few divorces along the way — something that I don’t personally know any therapist, counselor or life coach, married or not, to have done. You see, when you have a purpose, are committed to it, and take evolving in it seriously, “status” and people’s opinions don’t hinder it.
Hmph, if anything, let me tell it, folks should applaud singles who respect marriage enough to not want to just…do it…just to be doing it. Besides, as I oftentimes say, with the divorce rate what it is (still holding at around 50 percent, by the way), seems like even married people (and a lot of divorced folks) are out here “crap shooting” when it comes to providing insights on how to make a marriage work and last — in a healthy way (which is key) too.
And just what does all of this possibly have to do with today’s topic? Well, because life is full of cynical people (chile, I am well aware), if anything has the potential to rub some folks the wrong way it would be what we’re about to touch on — at least, on the onset. Because what’s a very popular saying out in these internet streets: “Relationships, especially marriage, are hard work,” right? And here I come, with my single self, pushing back on that — AND I AM.
And you know what? Due to a philosophy that I both have and implement into my coaching, I have seen many married couples shift from “hard work” to marital maintenance. And a big part of it has been because we have worked through the following seven points — and that has altered, shoot, everything.
Are you ready to hear why this single woman believes what she does about the whole “It really doesn’t have to be grueling” thing?
Let’s proceed.
Toiling vs. Maintenance. Let’s Discuss.
The first time that I recall being introduced to the word “toil,” was in the Bible, after God gave Adam and Eve their consequences for what went down at the tree. Eve was told that she would submit to her husband and experience pain during labor and Adam was told that he would have to toil for his provision (Adam was to toil not Eve — some of y’all will catch that later — Genesis 3:14-21).
Toil is a rough word. It means “hard and continuous work” and “exhausting labor or effort.” Some synonyms for toil include exertion, pains, sweat, drudgery, and strain. As a result of Adam and the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 2:18-25), Adam was going to have to work hard, continuously so, to meet a lot of his and his family’s needs. Toiling was the result of not listening. Bookmark that.
When it comes to relationships being hard work, while there are definitely seasons when a couple will have to put in more sweat (and tears) equity to get through more than others (because some seasons throw more stress and curveballs than others), if they constantly feel like their union is a form of toiling? Something is definitely up — and not in a good way.
Personally, I liken relationships to starting a garden: although, in the beginning, you may have to put in a lot to prepare the soil, remove the rocks, fertilize, plant, etc., once you get your groove and you make it a point to care for your garden on a daily basis, then it transitions into mere maintenance:
Maintenance: the act of maintaining; means of upkeep, support, or subsistence; livelihood
Maintain: to keep in existence or continuance; preserve; retain; to keep in an appropriate condition, operation, or force; keep unimpaired; to keep in a specified state, position, etc.; to affirm; assert; declare; to support in speech or argument, as a statement or proposition; to keep or hold against attack; to provide for the upkeep or support of; carry the expenses of; to sustain or support
Synonyms: cultivate (that’s a good one); manage; guard; renew; repair; supply; protect; provide; retain; uphold; persevere; advocate; hold; insist; stand by
Toiling (hard work) vs. maintenance (to keep in existence) — do you see how, while they both certainly require effort, one is way more straining and stress-filled than the other? And do you also get a bit more of why I am a firm believer that if folks are willing to “maintain their relationship garden,” expressing on-loop about how hard things are, that simply doesn’t have to be the case?
So, what causes so many folks to believe that relationships are more like toiling instead of maintenance? Good question.
1. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not with the Right Person
There is a divorced woman and an engaged man who I find myself being like, “Naw, that’s not everyone; that’s YOU” whenever they tell me or I hear them tell other people about how hard marriage is. The divorced woman?
To this day, I definitely will stand by the fact that she had one of the most unhealthy marriages that I had ever witnessed and a big part of it was because she ignored rows of red flags before saying “I do” — his totally dysfunctional relationship with his mother; his very odd views on religion and race; the fact that he didn’t have many friends (and that he was low-key disrespectful to hers); how selfish and controlling he was (and still is); his very shallow views on therapy…oh, I could go on and on.
She married him anyway and so, what did she think was going to happen? That her marriage was going to be easy street? With a man like that?
As far as the engaged guy goes, I don’t think I’ve seen him and his fiancée go 10 days without some kind of a drag-out argument. He is constantly wanting to feel respected and she is constantly feeling unheard. He has been married before and felt the same way in his other relationship. And so, when he says that relationships are hard work — sir, you keep picking the same kind of person over and over again. Not getting a lesson in life and repeating it until you do? Yep, that is hard work.
And that’s why the first thing that must be addressed when it comes to “hard work relationships” is if you’re with someone who really isn’t your best fit — because…have you ever tried to put a puzzle piece into a spot where it doesn’t belong? That is indeed some hard work. On the other hand, when it goes where it was designed to, it slides in with ease.
I could go on and on about this point; however, I think y’all get the gist. Plus, there is more ground to cover, so let’s continue…
2. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Don’t Put in Daily Intentional Effort
If someone were to ask you how much time, on average, couples spend together on a daily basis, what would you say? If you have no clue, let me give you a hint: it’s the same amount of time that most people also spend on social media: 2.5 hours. This literally means that folks are out here prioritizing their relationship in the same way that they do their Instagram account — and that is a damn shame.
When it comes to relationships, one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” And this is probably the reason why a lot of individuals, when asked why their relationship ended, will simply shrug and say, “We just grew apart.” Did you — or did you not put in daily effort to maintain — guard, renew, supply, uphold, and manage — your relationship? Because really, if you’ve got 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week, and roughly 720 hours in a month (depending on how many days are in said month) and only a tiny bit of that time is spent on your relationship, how could trying to play catch-up not feel like hard work to you?
While growing up, I would go to visit my dad and great-grandparents in Dallas every summer. A memory that I have is my great-grandfather watering the lawn, every evening, like clockwork. He had the best lawn on the block too. He wasn’t sweating and struggling while he was out there with his water hose. That man would sit in a lawn chair and kick right on back — because he was maintaining his yard…daily.
If a lot of couples were honest, they would admit that they put more time into, shoot, everything else BUT their relationship — and that’s why it feels like hard work so much. If that’s you, devote that social media time to your bae. See how much it improves and enhances your dynamic when you do. It just might surprise you.
3. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’ve Got a Toxic “Support System”
Wanna know something that really makes a relationship hard? Having moments of struggle and having family members and friends who only have negative things to say. This is another reason why it amazes me that folks think that single people are automatically relationally problematic to married folks (as far as advice and insight go) when my clients tell me that it’s mostly MARRIED AND DIVORCED INDIVIDUALS who they get some of the worst advice from as far as how they should handle their “valley situations.”
Whew, there is nothing like someone claiming to tell you that they are looking out for you when really, they are just projecting their own toxic mess onto you — and that happens…a lot. And when you don’t have people around who are fans of marriage and advocates of yours (not either or…both), when you need someone to lean on, pray for you, offer insight that will “get you to the other side” and no one’s around — of course, that can make your relationship feel like really hard work. Of course, you are going to toil.
Right now, I have a friend who is going through one of the hardest times in her marriage. Guess who she’s talking to a lot? Me. Why? “I know that you will never encourage me to leave my husband,” she has said — and she’s right. Meanwhile, she’s got some married people who are talking about what they wouldn’t put up with or tolerate. This man isn’t abusing my friend. They are simply having a challenging time. It happens. What she needs is the kind of support that is going to “fuel her” through this part of her journey — not a group of folks who bring new meaning to misery loves company (online or off, by the way).
Yeah, surrounding yourself with poison when you are going through a relationship trial? That can definitely make marriage feel like it’s really, really hard work.
4. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Fail to Take Accountability
Ever notice that when people talk about why their marriage failed, 8.5 times out of 10, they will go on and on about what their former spouse did or didn’t do and yet will say absolutely nothing about what they could’ve/should’ve done better?
That’s called not taking personal accountability and it actually helps to explain why the divorce rate significantly increases with second (67 percent) and third (73 percent) marriages — people are so busy thinking that someone else is the problem and so all they need to do is “push reset” with a new person when all that does is amplify the point of one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Everywhere you go, there you are.” (I believe it’s Confucious who originated that.)
Accountability helps you to take responsibility for your actions. Accountability helps you to see where you can stand to improve. Accountability helps you to take constructive criticism. Accountability helps you to handle things in a mature rather than childish fashion (more of that in a bit). Accountability helps you to apologize. Accountability helps you to actually listen instead of always wanting to only be heard. Accountability helps you to grow up.
If you are bad at holding yourself accountable or you are in a relationship with someone who sucks at personal accountability — hell, no wonder your relationship is wearing you out. You can’t get anywhere far or good with someone who refuses to hold themselves accountable. My advice in this instance? See a therapist/counselor/life coach — STAT.
5. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Your Expectations Are Unrealistic (or Hypocritical)
I believe I’ve shared before that I’ve got a friend — a friend who’s been married for over 20 years, by the way — who, whenever his wife finds herself comparing their marriage to others or she rants about things that she’s dissatisfied with and it seems to come totally out of the blue, he will simply say, “You need to lower your expectations, honey.”
It tickles me every time I think about it because, what he’s basically saying is, “Now, you were fine until you went on a scrolling social media marathon or one of your friends talked about their wedding ring upgrade and now, here you are — making problems where there are none.” See, he’s not telling her to have no expectations; he’s telling her to be realistic about the ones that she comes up with — and that is some grown kids' advice right there.
When it comes to this particular point, a great example of having unrealistic expectations is to bring perfectionism into your relational dynamic. Wanting a flawless relationship is always going to make things trying because not only is there no such thing (because you are not perfect and neither is your partner), perfectionism is rooted in things like being hypercritical, never knowing how to be content, setting goals that are damn near impossible to reach, constantly stressing yourself out as well as those who are around you and not knowing how to live in the moment.
I know some perfectionists and I honestly try to keep my distance from them because they are draining to be around, so I can only imagine what it’s like to be in a relationship with one. SMDH. If this pushed some buttons, absolutely, being in a relationship with a perfectionist is hard work.
As far as the hypocrisy thing goes — it deserves its own article. For now, I’ll just say, that if you’re someone who expects from your partner what you yourself are not providing, not only are you being hypocritical, but you are a miserable person to be around as well. Because there is nothing like being in a relationship with someone who sets higher expectations of their partner than they do for their own selves. Amen? Amen.
6. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Intimacy Is Lacking
I am totally unapologetic when I say that one of the greatest relationship gaslights of all time is believing that someone is unfaithful if they have sex with someone other than their committed partner while totally ignoring the fact that it is also an unfaithful act to commit to being your partner’s only sex outlet while refusing to sleep with them. Both things are selfish. Both things are toxic. Both things are relationally counterproductive. Yeah, you are definitely setting yourself up to have an excruciating relationship if you fall into one of these categories.
That’s a big part of the reason why I appreciated the “Dead Ass Podcast Season 4- Episode 2: Monogamy Expectations Vs. Reality” episode (featuring Devale and Khadeen Ellis) that I watched a few weeks back. Although it’s a few years old, if you are married or are considering getting married, it really is an unfiltered take between a husband and wife about intimacy, the expectations and needs within intimacy, and how to balance it all that you should check out. Something else that I like about it?
It’s a blaring reminder that SEX IS A RESPONSIBILITY IN MARRIAGE — and perhaps that is one of the real downsides about sex outside of it: since, when you are single, you are mostly focused on you and you alone when it comes to sex, it can be hard to realize that you need to prioritize your partner’s needs just as much as your own (as they do the same for you) after jumping the broom.
This means that no — you can’t be out here “not in the mood” for months at a time and then be freaking out at the thought of your partner liking an IG picture. Because let’s be real — on what planet does a sane person sign up for exclusivity or monogamy and then not expect to receive intimacy from the only source that they committed to get it from? Listen, if your partner sleeps with someone else, they cheated and, at the same time, if you refused to sleep with them, didn’t you cheat (the agreement) too?
In a long-term committed relationship, sex is one of the main things that sets it apart from all other relational dynamics. If you’re not bringing that to the table, how are YOU being faithful to the relationship?
Let’s please stop bugging when it comes to this because absolutely no one (who is physically capable) wants to be in a long-term sexless romantic relationship. That said, anyone who has a partner who minimizes intimacy, manipulates intimacy, or weaponizes intimacy — they are absolutely grueling to be around. Torturous even. And yes, to try and make it work with this type of individual…that is beyond hard work.
7. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not Mature Enough for a Relationship
There is a man that I know who has been married for a few decades at this point and, throughout that entire time, he has mentioned how hard and incredibly stressful his marriage is. I bet because I have seen in a very up close and personal way that he’s with someone who is emotionally immature.
Yeah, while social media influencers are constantly talking about how they want someone who is emotionally intelligent (effective conflict management is one sign of that, relationship folks — so is apologizing and forgiving — hmm…), what we really need to be addressing in these streets is what it means to be emotionally immature:
- Emotionally immature people are poor communicators
- Emotionally immature people are self-centered
- Emotionally immature people act impulsively
- Emotionally immature people are inflexible and don’t know how to compromise
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent
- Emotionally immature people like to play the victim
- Emotionally immature people don’t manage their emotions well
- Emotionally immature people make excuses instead of taking responsibility for their actions
- Emotionally immature people tend to overreact to things
- Emotionally immature people “go on the attack” and/or hit below the belt during conflict
Meanwhile, signs of emotional maturity:
- Emotionally mature people know how to own their ish without deflecting
- Emotionally mature people have healthy boundaries
- Emotionally mature people are solutions rather than problems-oriented
- Emotionally mature people are flexible and adaptable
- Emotionally mature people strive to see the positives and silver linings of things
- Emotionally mature people are humble (peep how much social media pushes back on humility)
- Emotionally mature people are very self-aware (about their good and not-so-good points)
- Emotionally mature people can put themselves in other people’s shoes
- Emotionally mature people aren’t bitter
- Emotionally mature people know how to be patient
Do you know how many folks out here are absolutely not with an emotionally mature person? And when a grown adult feels like they are damn near babysitting their partner — how could that not feel like some really hard work?
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Now do you get why this article has the title that it does? Just imagine if more people took all of what I said to heart and then altered the things that they are doing here. Do you get how their relationship could go from being hard work to being maintenance? Less toiling and more cultivating? Less exhausting labor and more upkeep? Less drudgery and more affirming?
Again, I have clients who’ve told me that since we’ve worked on these very issues, their marriage is easier than it’s ever been. Hmph. That’s what happens when you stop calling the relationship “hard work” and focus more on being easier to deal with instead.
Both ways. Just sayin’.
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