A little while back, I wrote an article about how I'm not a fan of using the word "damaged". And I'm not; not when it applies to people, anyway. If you're wondering what my issue is with that word, you can check it out here. Anyway, as I was engaging in a conversation with someone not too long ago about life's disappointments, I realized that there's another word that I'm not too fond of either—setback.
What's my issue with it? It's not that I don't believe that setbacks are real; it's just that, I think that we give them way too much power. To actually experience something that makes us feel like it's totally preventing us from making progress? Maybe it's just me, but that sounds more like a choice than the direct result of any situation or circumstance.
A blindside? Sure. A challenge or obstacle? Absolutely. But any time something happens as we're trying to move forward in life, that catches us off guard, hurts our feelings or even potentially devastates us, there are a few things to keep in mind before completely throwing in the towel and actually ruling it a bonafide setback.
It All Ultimately Serves a Profound Purpose
It was just 2016 when our own EIC Necole Kane was going through a major life test and challenge. Social media outlets everywhere were talking about how broke she was and how much of a mess her life was in. Interestingly enough, it was right around the time when she was making the transition from being Necole Bitchie to becoming xoNecole (check out "Necole Bitchie Opens Up on Pain, Success & New Beginnings" when you get a chance). I'm pretty sure that even though some hope was just a few months (in the form of a couple of years) up the road, that that was probably one of the bleakest moments of Necole's life.
And then, at the top of 2018, the media started telling a different tale—"Will Packer Media Acquires Women's Lifestyle Site xoNecole". Just this past April, she was featured in Essence and, as they say, the rest is history!
It may not feel like it now, but if things are super difficult, it's only getting you ready for something else. Not just "else" but better. Transition can be uncomfortable, but if you're committed to the process, it always—ALWAYS—serves a purpose. Typically, a mind-blowing one at that.
Some Things Are Simply “Labor Pains”
I'm a doula (which is basically a birthing assistant) and, let me tell you what—it is right when the pregnant mom is at her most painful point in labor (which is usually when she's around 7 dilated cm, by the way) when she is like, "You know what? I'm done!" Yet it's also around that time when she is closer than ever to seeing the little miracle that she carried for (technically) 10 months.
Speaking of labor pains, there's a Message version of Scripture that I really like and appreciate during the hard times: "All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along." (Romans 8:22-26) According to this, waiting makes us larger and eventually gives us more joy.
Challenges can feel like real delays. When the delays are really trying you, remember my all-time favorite quote by a pastor by the name of John Piper—"God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may be aware of three of them." The pain is not for naught, sis. It too has some sort of miracle attached to it. Push on and push through.
Negativity Only Makes Things Worse
If it feels like you're going through a major life hurdle, it's important that you protect your energy at all costs. One of the ways to do that is by minimizing the amount of negativity that you are around—negative people, trollers on social media, draining news and gossip, you get the gist. When you're going through a season like this (and it is just a season; more on that in just a sec) the last thing you need is to make matters worse with complaining and pessimism. And yes, negativity definitely makes things worse (articles like "Why Negative People Are Literally Killing You (and How to Protect Your Positivity)", "This Is What Negativity Does to Your Immune System, and It's Not Pretty" and "Scientific Proof That Negative Beliefs Harm Your Health" all co-sign on where I'm coming from).
You already know how I feel about the word "setback", but I will say this about it. If you decide (and it is indeed a choice) to feed yourself with negativity, that is a surefire way to end up having one. Real talk.
Everything Has Its Season
Something that I dig about the Bible is, whether we want to accept it or not, it addresses just about everything we're wondering about; it prepares us too. Even though it tells us that "it rains on the just and the unjust" (Matthew 5:44-45), when difficult times come our way, we tend to think there is some personal attacking going on; like it's automatically about us not doing something right or, it's the direct result of doing something wrong.
The Bible does also tell us that we reap what we sow (Galatians 6:7-10), so sometimes our struggles may be consequences-related. But there is something else to consider too. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NKJV) says, "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven...a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance..." It goes on and on. My point? Everything uncomfortable is not some conspiracy to ruin your life. Some of us love summer and hate winter; others of us feel the opposite. Guess what? Summer's here and winter is coming. Seasons change. Soon enough. So will this one for you. Also, summer and winter both have a purpose in getting nature and us to other stages in life, so does what you're going through.
You’ll Be Stronger on the Other Side
This time last year, I had one of the biggest heartbreaks ever (I mean, EVER). I also lost one of my main writing gigs, so I was just about spent. Literally. All I kept hearing the Holy Spirit say to me is, "You are giving birth to yourself." You know what's a plum trip about that? My middle name is Renee' and it means "reborn". Anyway, fast forward to this year and, somebody please cue in Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle's "A Whole New World"! The things I've learned about myself. The toxicity that I've released. The standards that I've set. I'm not just stronger, I'm better. Yes, even reborn!
The things we don't like or want to do are the things that stretch and evolve us more than just about anything else. Just like working out doesn't feel good, this probably doesn't either. Guess what, though? It really is true that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Strength is what sustains us. Let this mere moment in time do its job. It's not for naught.
You’re Not the First or the Last to Have One
I get it. It's a fair assumption that the last thing you want to hear when you're going through a tough time is that you're not the only one. I didn't say that to dismiss what you are going through; I said it so that you won't isolate yourself and feel that the entire world doesn't get it or is somehow against you. I also said it so that you'll be willing to open up and share your feelings with someone that you trust.
Sometimes, one of the best remedies for life's challenges, obstacles and hard times is to receive words of comfort or even testimonies from others who've experienced something similar. The comfort can reassure you and the testimonies can remind that that there are more chapters in your story to be written. (Spoiler alert—when this is over, it'll probably only feel like a page or two in your book of life; if that much.)
This Too Shall Pass
Contrary to popular belief—and/or poor biblical teaching—"this too shall pass" is not a verse in biblical Scripture (neither is "money is the root of all evil", "the Lord works in mysterious ways" or "cleanliness is next to godliness"). From what I've researched, it's actually a Muslim proverb (or a verse from a Persian poet). Nonetheless, it is still is a powerful thing to always keep in mind because, as I once heard an actor say on television, "Like all things, even despair, exhausts itself."
If you need something to get you through in the meantime, let me take you to praise and worship for just a moment. I'm pretty sure you all are familiar with Yolanda Adams, but what y'all know about Crystal Lewis (she's a sangin' white girl, boy!)? Many years ago, Yolanda and Crystal did a duet entitled, yep…you guessed it—"This Too Shall Pass". Listen. Cry. Scream. Throw something (light and soft) if you need to. But remember that this thing you're going through won't be forever. Then hold close that, by enduring it, you will come out on the other side, so much better for it.
I've been there. This not a setback. This is a life-altering-for-the-better moment. Endure it. Better is coming. It really is.
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Originally published on June 29, 2019
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Now before getting into some tips that I’m hoping will help a few folks out, let me first say that I think it doesn’t really matter if someone is 24 or 54, is a single mom or has no kids, is an extrovert, introvert or ambivert, wants to get married someday or is simply looking for companionship (check out “Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON’T Desire Marriage?”) — dating definitely can be a bit of a challenge right through here.
In my opinion, some of it is because we’re still dealing with the aftershocks of the pandemic. Another reason is that things have become so damn transactional these days that I’m not sure if folks even get what the purpose of dating is anymore (mostly, it’s to get to know individuals better so that you can determine who is your right fit). Still, another reason is that when we do step out into the dating waters (that are sometimes raging), some of us are already a bit jaded due to our past experiences, our friends’ stories, and/or those (oftentimes) horrible tales that we hear on TikTok.
Let’s simplify it all a bit, shall we? Although online dating and long-distance relationships are continuing to thrive in their own way, the reality is that if you want to establish a solid connection with someone, chances are, you’re going to need to participate in some old-school dating on some level. So, in order to increase your chances of those encounters being truly successful for you, here are some things that I advise you to do along the way.
Be Clear About Why You’re Dating in the First Place — and Communicate It
GiphyA woman recently told me that what’s pissing her off (her exact words) about the dating scene is, while she’s personally looking for her future husband when it comes to the kinds of men that she keeps running into, although they’ve wanted more than just a casual sex partner, marriage wasn’t on the menu. Not even a lil’ bit.
Yeah, one day, we’ll get into why more and more men are shying away from marriage — quite possibly more than ever before. For now, I’ll just say that if a person feels like they are meeting the needs of their partner while they’re also being told that theirs aren’t important, only for their partner to initiate divorce (over 70 percent of women do) and then take half of their earnings…I mean, I get why many guys are hard passing on the notion.
Anyway, because the men she was going out with didn’t want what she did, she’s been finding it discouraging to continue her dating journey. As she was talking to me about all of this, I asked her how long she would wait to bring her ultimate goals up.
Her: “I mean, I don’t want to scare men off, so I don’t really mention it at all.”
Yeah, that’s not good. Even though I get where she’s coming from, if you want to date in order to find your potential mate, you should never assume that the people you’re seeing automatically know that because not everyone is dating for the same purpose and reasons.
So, when should it come up? Not the first date because that’s basically a meet-and-greet to see if there’s anything “there” at all. However, if the second date goes well, it’s okay to say that your motive for dating is to ultimately find your life partner; that you’re not moving in fear or impatience, but you don’t see the point in dating indefinitely either. If a guy is on the same page, he’ll be fine with that.
If he’s not, he won’t — but at least you’ll both know where each other stands which can spare you from finding out that he was cool being with you but never wanted you to become his wife…three years down the pike.
Value Your Time
GiphyWhen it comes to valuing time, some of my favorite quotes include "Trouble is, you think you have time" (Jack Kornfield); "Time and effort can get you anything you want in the world. But nothing in the world can get you more time" (Matt Fox); "Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it" (M. Scott Peck); "The one that values his time can value the time of others as well" (Sunday Adelaja); and "Time is the wisest counsellor of all" (Pericles).
Keeping all of these in mind, another benefit of knowing why you do what you do is that it can help you to value your time better. For instance, I have no interest in dating someone who has young children. This means that it doesn't matter how fine or funny a man is, if I meet you and that is what you have going on, why would I waste your time or mine by continuing to date you?
I can't tell you how many single people have come to me all distraught because they ignored their own preferences, got emotionally caught up, and now they are trying to figure out if they should totally ignore the very things that they said they did — or didn't — want in the first place.
Bottom line, please value your time and feelings enough to know what are non-negotiables and then not go further with people who fall into those categories. It's not a selfish act. When it comes to valuing another person's time, too, it's actually a really thoughtful one.
Learn a Few Current Dating Trends
GiphyAt the end of the day, trends are simply something that's popular at any given time. As far as dating goes, knowing some current dating trends can prove to be beneficial because it can 1) provide some insight on how to potentially approach dating at any given time and/or 2) help you to detect some things that might be going on with someone while you're on your say, first, second or third date with them.
That said, some trends that are, well, trending this year include open casting and infla-dating.
As far as open casting goes, the best way to describe it is it's all about stepping out of your "type" (check out "According To Experts, We All Have A 'Type'") and instead being willing to date individuals who may not look or even act the way that you're accustomed to. Now for the record, this doesn't mean that you should compromise your standards, deal-breakers, or boundaries in any way. It's more about not being so rigid in wanting a guy who is 6'2" and chocolate that you're not willing to even consider 5'10" and caramel. Because the reality is that a good man (if that's truly what you are after) may not look exactly like you prefer, yet if he's truly right for you, making that kind of compromise really won't matter much at the end of the day. Trust me.
Another dating trend is known as infla-dating. Can you guess what it's all about? Basically, it's the kind of dating that takes into account the fact that a lot of us just don't have the coins that we used to. For instance, I live in Music City, and an article came out recently that said you basically have to work somewhere around 60 hours a week in order to afford the ever-skyrocketing rink of this place. SMDH. I wish I could say that Nashville is the exception, but it's not. So now folks are finding more creative ways to date so that they don't have to tap into their rent money or their savings account in order to do it.
And for the record, that kind of approach isn't being "cheap." It's being wise. Shoot, I know a lot of couples who are on the brink of calling it quits as we speak because one or both of them aren't financially savvy. So yeah, dating people who can think outside of the box and still create some awesome dating memories while also being able to handle their financial responsibilities and obligations in the process? That reveals a thoughtful individual who is good at adulting too. If that ain't a solid potential long-term partner candidate, I don't know who is.
Keep the First Date Brief
GiphyListen, I'm a woman, and even I don't get all of this $200 first-date nonsense. If I was a guy, I would see that as a peak hustle, too, because there is no reason why a man who barely knows someone should be shelling out that kind of cash right out the gate. Know what else? There's no reason why a woman who values herself should want to automatically give someone the privilege of 2-3 hours of her time initially, either.
Honestly, unless you already know the person you're going on a first date with (for instance, a friendship is transitioning into something more or you've been talking to someone online or on the phone for a while and you're planning on meeting up for the first time), a first date needs to be light and not expected to go over more than an hour or so. Why? Because all that you're initially doing is trying to see if there is some chemistry and even a mutual interest to take things further — and you don't need more than a meet-up at a coffee shop or a bar for a glass or two of wine to do that.
If your immediate response is, "that's frugal AF," — I mean, if all your motive was is to get an expensive meal or reenact something you saw on some dating show on television…maybe. Yet, if you genuinely want to maximize your precious moments (not to mention energy and effort), a brief and semi-casual first date is the way to go. Besides, if there does happen to be a mutual spark, it's not like the two of you can't book a second date…hell, the next day if you want to.
Ask. Don’t Interrogate.
@lexaftercancer Reply to @jwillis808 Here’s my list! #datingtips #listofthings #dating #datingadvice
Listen, this woman said that she has a fiancé, so clearly, this method worked for her. THAT SAID, although I am a big fan of people knowing what they desire in a partner, I will say that if you plan on also coming up with an Old Testament scroll of characteristics and qualities, just make sure to keep in mind that sometimes what you want may not be exactly what you need — which is why it's a good idea to be flexible on some things. Also, the goal is not to find the perfect person but someone who is a great complement to your life (check out "If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life").
That’s why it’s also a good idea to not treat your dates like they are an interrogation. While it’s cool to touch on points that are of great importance to you, no one wants to feel like they are being bogged down with tons of inquiries.
So, how do you avoid wearing someone out on a date? Per date, think about 3-5 things that are a priority to you and ask about those. For instance, if you've had a pattern in the past of doing most of the work in your relationships, ask him about how he values reciprocity in a relationship. Or if spirituality is of the utmost importance, ask him what his spiritual practice is and how long it's been that way.
The reason why I provided these as examples is because…did you notice how they were worded in a way that still gets the results that you're looking for without someone feeling like they are being put on the spot?
I'm gonna be real, some folks end up self-sabotaging their dates, and it's because they come all anxious and hurried. You can't get to know everything that you need to know in two hours. Ask some questions, sure, yet also enjoy just learning someone's vibe too because it also reveals…quite a bit.
Expect Them to Have Expectations Too
GiphyOn the heels of what I just said, it never ceases to amaze me how some people think that they can have a book of what they want in a person and then act shocked when someone comes with their own comprised list. It’s almost like the “book person” is on some “You need to be everything that I expect and more, but you shouldn’t expect anything more than me showing up because I am enough automatically.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can hear all of the ego that is just oozing out of that sentence, not to mention how unfair and even unrealistic that way of thinking is.
So, if you’re someone who thinks that you “are the table” (insert eye rolls here) and so there should be no questions asked of you — I already see why dating hasn’t been working in your favor.
Just like you want to see how a man can add to your life, men want to know the same thing. Going on the defensive only causes them to build up walls. In other words, prepare to be a lot of what you expect. If that’s a challenge for you…maybe shorten that list — or at least don’t articulate as much of it — up.
Emotionally Pace Yourself
GiphyWhat happens if, after the first date, the guy checks off all of your (initial) boxes, and you’re ready to call your mama and tell her that you think that he’s the one? Yeah, PLEASE DON’T. While it’s cool to be excited about someone, if you don’t emotionally pace yourself, the elation can have you coming off as rushing things or even being too pushy if you’re not careful.
How? Well, if you really do think that he’s a great match for you, you could start emotionally processing him that way which could cause you to have expectations that are premature: “You think I’m awesome, and I think you’re awesome, so why haven’t you texted me this morning?” or “You said that you want to do this again, so why has it been four days and you haven’t booked another date yet?” GOODNESS.
I once read a study that said that when it comes to cultivating a true friendship, it takes 40-60 hours to create a casual friendship, 80-100 hours to become an actual friend, and 200-plus hours to become good friends. And that’s friendship, so why would you expect a relationship to miraculously unfold after three dinner dates?
Almost any emotionally healthy person is going to gravitate to an atmosphere of calm and serenity. So, while it’s okay to express that you’re looking forward to where this could go, as Benjamin Franklin so poignantly once said, “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.” In other words, try not to allow your feelings to override the reality that everything has a time and purpose, and, as a wise person once said, “Time prevents everything from happening all at once.” In other other words, pulling on flower petals, trying to get them to hurry up and bloom, only ruins the flower.
Date. Mindfully.
GiphyListen, if you don’t get anything else out of this article, please get how important it is to date from a place of mindfulness. And just what does that mean exactly? A simple explanation is when you are being mindful, you’re intentional about remaining in the moment. You’re not caught up in the past or consumed with the future.
When it comes to dating, in particular, mindfulness can be super beneficial because you’re not focused on comparing the current person with the people you’ve dated before, and you’re also not causing unnecessary anxiety and/or stress and/or drama by applying pressure on yourself or the person you’re getting to know by being obsessed with the possibilities of the future.
If you’d like to be more mindful in theory but you’re not exactly sure how to put it into practice, there are mindfulness principles that we all can stand to put into practice more often:
Reality. Reality is about what is rooted in truth and facts, not what you want or wish something to be. You can sho ‘nuff spare yourself some drama and trauma if you are someone who lives in reality while you’re dating instead of some rom-com or fairy tale that you’ve conjured up in your mind.
Accept. How would you feel if someone tried to change you? Exactly. Some people have a really bad habit of trying to “tweak folks” so that they can “make them fit” into their dating/relationship/marriage narrative. Avoid this, please. Accept people for who they are. If you can get wit it, awesome. If not, maybe they are just meant to be a friend — and that can be a blessing too.
Relax. To relax is to be less rigid, which speaks to being more flexible. When it comes to dating, this can help because if you’re willing to just let things reveal themselves as they come, that can help you to avoid overthinking or putting more stress on yourself than you should.
No one said that dating was easy. Still, if you’re a bit easier on yourself and the people you choose to go out with, each date can be an opportunity, a lesson, or a win. And all of these can be beneficial — if you choose to date smart instead of, well, hard.
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