A little while back, I wrote an article about how I'm not a fan of using the word "damaged". And I'm not; not when it applies to people, anyway. If you're wondering what my issue is with that word, you can check it out here. Anyway, as I was engaging in a conversation with someone not too long ago about life's disappointments, I realized that there's another word that I'm not too fond of either—setback.
What's my issue with it? It's not that I don't believe that setbacks are real; it's just that, I think that we give them way too much power. To actually experience something that makes us feel like it's totally preventing us from making progress? Maybe it's just me, but that sounds more like a choice than the direct result of any situation or circumstance.
A blindside? Sure. A challenge or obstacle? Absolutely. But any time something happens as we're trying to move forward in life, that catches us off guard, hurts our feelings or even potentially devastates us, there are a few things to keep in mind before completely throwing in the towel and actually ruling it a bonafide setback.
It All Ultimately Serves a Profound Purpose
It was just 2016 when our own EIC Necole Kane was going through a major life test and challenge. Social media outlets everywhere were talking about how broke she was and how much of a mess her life was in. Interestingly enough, it was right around the time when she was making the transition from being Necole Bitchie to becoming xoNecole (check out "Necole Bitchie Opens Up on Pain, Success & New Beginnings" when you get a chance). I'm pretty sure that even though some hope was just a few months (in the form of a couple of years) up the road, that that was probably one of the bleakest moments of Necole's life.
And then, at the top of 2018, the media started telling a different tale—"Will Packer Media Acquires Women's Lifestyle Site xoNecole". Just this past April, she was featured in Essence and, as they say, the rest is history!
It may not feel like it now, but if things are super difficult, it's only getting you ready for something else. Not just "else" but better. Transition can be uncomfortable, but if you're committed to the process, it always—ALWAYS—serves a purpose. Typically, a mind-blowing one at that.
Some Things Are Simply “Labor Pains”
I'm a doula (which is basically a birthing assistant) and, let me tell you what—it is right when the pregnant mom is at her most painful point in labor (which is usually when she's around 7 dilated cm, by the way) when she is like, "You know what? I'm done!" Yet it's also around that time when she is closer than ever to seeing the little miracle that she carried for (technically) 10 months.
Speaking of labor pains, there's a Message version of Scripture that I really like and appreciate during the hard times: "All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along." (Romans 8:22-26) According to this, waiting makes us larger and eventually gives us more joy.
Challenges can feel like real delays. When the delays are really trying you, remember my all-time favorite quote by a pastor by the name of John Piper—"God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may be aware of three of them." The pain is not for naught, sis. It too has some sort of miracle attached to it. Push on and push through.
Negativity Only Makes Things Worse
If it feels like you're going through a major life hurdle, it's important that you protect your energy at all costs. One of the ways to do that is by minimizing the amount of negativity that you are around—negative people, trollers on social media, draining news and gossip, you get the gist. When you're going through a season like this (and it is just a season; more on that in just a sec) the last thing you need is to make matters worse with complaining and pessimism. And yes, negativity definitely makes things worse (articles like "Why Negative People Are Literally Killing You (and How to Protect Your Positivity)", "This Is What Negativity Does to Your Immune System, and It's Not Pretty" and "Scientific Proof That Negative Beliefs Harm Your Health" all co-sign on where I'm coming from).
You already know how I feel about the word "setback", but I will say this about it. If you decide (and it is indeed a choice) to feed yourself with negativity, that is a surefire way to end up having one. Real talk.
Everything Has Its Season
Something that I dig about the Bible is, whether we want to accept it or not, it addresses just about everything we're wondering about; it prepares us too. Even though it tells us that "it rains on the just and the unjust" (Matthew 5:44-45), when difficult times come our way, we tend to think there is some personal attacking going on; like it's automatically about us not doing something right or, it's the direct result of doing something wrong.
The Bible does also tell us that we reap what we sow (Galatians 6:7-10), so sometimes our struggles may be consequences-related. But there is something else to consider too. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NKJV) says, "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven...a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance..." It goes on and on. My point? Everything uncomfortable is not some conspiracy to ruin your life. Some of us love summer and hate winter; others of us feel the opposite. Guess what? Summer's here and winter is coming. Seasons change. Soon enough. So will this one for you. Also, summer and winter both have a purpose in getting nature and us to other stages in life, so does what you're going through.
You’ll Be Stronger on the Other Side
This time last year, I had one of the biggest heartbreaks ever (I mean, EVER). I also lost one of my main writing gigs, so I was just about spent. Literally. All I kept hearing the Holy Spirit say to me is, "You are giving birth to yourself." You know what's a plum trip about that? My middle name is Renee' and it means "reborn". Anyway, fast forward to this year and, somebody please cue in Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle's "A Whole New World"! The things I've learned about myself. The toxicity that I've released. The standards that I've set. I'm not just stronger, I'm better. Yes, even reborn!
The things we don't like or want to do are the things that stretch and evolve us more than just about anything else. Just like working out doesn't feel good, this probably doesn't either. Guess what, though? It really is true that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Strength is what sustains us. Let this mere moment in time do its job. It's not for naught.
You’re Not the First or the Last to Have One
I get it. It's a fair assumption that the last thing you want to hear when you're going through a tough time is that you're not the only one. I didn't say that to dismiss what you are going through; I said it so that you won't isolate yourself and feel that the entire world doesn't get it or is somehow against you. I also said it so that you'll be willing to open up and share your feelings with someone that you trust.
Sometimes, one of the best remedies for life's challenges, obstacles and hard times is to receive words of comfort or even testimonies from others who've experienced something similar. The comfort can reassure you and the testimonies can remind that that there are more chapters in your story to be written. (Spoiler alert—when this is over, it'll probably only feel like a page or two in your book of life; if that much.)
This Too Shall Pass
Contrary to popular belief—and/or poor biblical teaching—"this too shall pass" is not a verse in biblical Scripture (neither is "money is the root of all evil", "the Lord works in mysterious ways" or "cleanliness is next to godliness"). From what I've researched, it's actually a Muslim proverb (or a verse from a Persian poet). Nonetheless, it is still is a powerful thing to always keep in mind because, as I once heard an actor say on television, "Like all things, even despair, exhausts itself."
If you need something to get you through in the meantime, let me take you to praise and worship for just a moment. I'm pretty sure you all are familiar with Yolanda Adams, but what y'all know about Crystal Lewis (she's a sangin' white girl, boy!)? Many years ago, Yolanda and Crystal did a duet entitled, yep…you guessed it—"This Too Shall Pass". Listen. Cry. Scream. Throw something (light and soft) if you need to. But remember that this thing you're going through won't be forever. Then hold close that, by enduring it, you will come out on the other side, so much better for it.
I've been there. This not a setback. This is a life-altering-for-the-better moment. Endure it. Better is coming. It really is.
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Originally published on June 29, 2019
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Now masterdating? Even though it’s not even close to being a “real” word, it’s something that also brought a laugh outta me — although it was then followed by a genuine smile. The laugh because I almost immediately caught the play-on-words. The smile was due to the intention behind it all.
If you’re not familiar with what masterdating is and you’re curious about why you should even care, take a few moments to at least skim through what it’s about and why I think participating, as a single person, is a pretty cool (and effective) concept.
@knotlukas Masturdate: a date w oneself
What’s Masterdating All About?
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Masterdating. Okay, so let the word marinate for just a moment. What does it sound like? Yeah…exactly. And since a huge part of masturbation centers around self-pleasure, it’s cool to explore how “self-dating” could produce similar (as far as pleasure is concerned in a broader sense) results. Because masterdating is all about spending quality time with yourself, pampering yourself, treating yourself— and yes, taking yourself out on dates.
Any of you who may think that masterdating is a consolation prize — and a pitiful one at that — for not being able to go out with another human being or get that dream $200 first date that social media was all in a tizzy about last year (bookmark that) — personally, I think that you’re the demographic who needs to try out masterdating first and the most. Why? Off top, I’ll share my three good reasons.
3 Reasons To Strongly Consider Masterdating
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1. It’s an intimate way to get to know yourself better. I’ve been working with couples for a pretty long time at this point and if there’s a pattern that I see arise, OFTEN, it’s that two people are oftentimes so busy trying to “find their person” that they didn’t even know who they were. As a direct result, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who only complemented the “kiddie pool version” of who they were.
That’s why it can be so beneficial to spend time getting to know yourself on the “deep end” of things: what makes you tick, what your passions are, what you want most out of life, what are your interests beyond obvious things — and masterdating can help you to discover all of this. Whether it’s traveling alone or taking out a weekend to drink some wine and journal, the more you get to know yourself, the clearer you’ll be about who complements you on a romantic and friendship level.
2. It will definitely help to boost your confidence levels. I guess since I’m an ambivert, I don’t really get why people freak out at the mere thought of going to a restaurant or movie alone. Personally, I think it requires a helluva lot more energy and gumption to wait around and plan stuff with other people (#Elmoshrug). However, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, there’s no way around the fact that the more comfortable you get with doing things alone, the more your confidence levels will increase — no, soar — because of it.
One article that I read on the topic said that doing things alone can make you more creative, improve your mental health, and help you to be totally okay with being alone (so that you’re not “needy” for other people’s attention). A psychotherapist from a New York Times article on the benefits of spending time alone said, “Getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout.” And when you’re able to stare negativity in its face without flinching, how could that not make you bolder, more self-secure, and hopeful about your life?
3. It will teach you to value your time more effectively. In every facet of your world, you’re gonna operate from a healthier place if you’re operating from a “full cup” rather than an empty one. When it comes to this topic, think about it — if you’re constantly waiting on someone to call you to go out or wishing for a dream date with some guy, all you’re doing is wasting precious time that you could be spending taking a cooking class or hell, hiring a chef to make you dinner at your own home.
Indeed, waiting has two sides to it: when it’s in the form of patience, it is indeed a virtue, yet when it’s wrapped up in the notion that you’re not really living life unless you have an audience…it is totally working against you. Choose wisely.
10 Solo Date Ideas To Help You To “Master” Masterdating
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So, what if you’re someone who has either never considered actually masterdating before or you don’t really know what to do beyond dinner and the movies? Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Attend a workshop or masterclass that you’re interested in. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to learn, sign up for a workshop or masterclass. The cool thing about this option is there are probably some in your city, as well as some that you can find online (like here) that are convenient and affordable.
2. Binge-read at a local coffee shop. Aside from their coziness and oftentimes inviting scents, I once read that a lot of us gravitate to coffee shops because we can be around people without having to actually socialize with them. So, if you want to “hang out” while still being able to enjoy a bit of solitude, take a book that you’ve been trying to finish to a local coffee shop, order your favorite latte, and sit in a big-ass comfy chair. Usually, you can sit there for hours, and the staff will be just fine with it (another bonus).
3. Have a spa day in the next town. You can never go wrong with a spa day. And while going with a friend can be fun, sometimes there’s too much talking transpiring to be able to fully chill out and relax. So, go off of the grid, get a change of scenery, and hit up a spa in the next city (or town). There are lots of studies out here supporting that day trips or “daycations” can actually be really good for your long-term health and well-being.
4. See a community play. Some of the best solo dates that I’ve ever been on consisted of taking in some of the local arts in my city. What’s really cool about this particular option is, oftentimes, they are extremely inexpensive, if not totally free of charge (in exchange for making a donation or putting money into a tip jar).
5. Plan a trip. Whenever people say something along the lines of, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed,” I know that they low-key have some (additional) healing to do from past disappointments. There’s simply too much intel out here to support that anticipation (of good stuff) makes us more motivated and optimistic, keeps our dopamine levels up, and makes life more exciting overall.
Since traveling alone is more cost-effective, gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (when you want), and increases the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences on your journey — why not devote a day this weekend to planning a solo trip? All the way around, it’s good for you.
6. Try your hand at your own “$200 date.” Uh-huh. Roll your eyes if you want to, but it’s real easy to talk left about how a man should be able to just drop $200 like it’s nothing…until you actually try to do it. So yes, while taking yourself out on this type of date could serve as a bit of a reality check, it can also “scratch the itch” of waiting on some dude to do it for you. It’s also way less emotionally draining because, at least when you’re taking your own self out, it’s guaranteed that you’ll enjoy the company…right?
7. DIY some pampering. When you get a chance, check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself,” “Want To Love On Yourself? Try These 10 Things At Home.,” “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” and “When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?” The bottom line here is pampering is all about, not mere self-maintenance; it’s all about treating yourself to levels of EXTREME SELF-INDULGENCE. So, if nothing else tickles your fancy on this list, at least consider doing that, chile.
8. Feed your creativity. Something that I used to be really good at is art. That said, one of my goddaughters is insanely talented, so she has reminded me to tap back into it. Also, a big part of what got me into the writing world is poetry; I actually used to be a house poet at a local spot. Sometimes, my best quality time moments with myself have been revisiting these creative sides of me — and this is definitely easier to do (and enjoy) alone.
9. Try some stargazing. When’s the last time you took a blanket into your backyard, laid down on it, and just stared at the stars for hours on end? While some say that stargazing can teach you to be mindful, others say that being in that form of nature reduces stress, while others believe that looking up at the universe at night can increase your attention span. All solid reasons to give it a shot, if you ask me.
10. DO. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. Let me tell you something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel bad about: doing absolutely nothing. I’ve got data to back me up. Good Housekeeping shares that doing nothing can help you decide how you want to respond or react to certain things. I like howThe Guardian says that taking this approach helps you to regain control of what you give your attention to.
TIME magazine says that it can ultimately make you more productive.BBC offers up that it can help you tap into your ingenuity.Henry Ford Health says that it can make you kinder and a better problem-solver. So, if you want to invest in yourself, do nothing sometimes.
Closing Thoughts from the Lovely Javicia Leslie
While some of y'all may know Javicia Leslie from being the former Batwoman, I discovered her back in the day from the indie series Chef Julian (and yes, "Julian" was right to say that "Mo" looks like Tatyana Ali...the real ones know). Sometimes I'll hop on her IG to see what she's got going on and this story popped up within a few hours of me penning this...so, I took it as hella confirmation.
TREAT YO SELF. WAIT FOR NO ONE.
WAIT FOR NO ONE. TREAT YO SELF.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
_____
Sooo…what kind of masterdating plans do you have for this coming weekend? While going out with others has its perks, hanging out with yourself has a ton of ‘em too. Enjoy!
No…for real. ENJOY!
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