I’ve got a friend who hasn’t taken a lunch break pretty much since the pandemic (well, lockdown; technically, we’re still in a pandemic, y’all). I think that’s crazy — and I’ve told her that much. As someone who has worked from home, literally, since 2000, I get how you can get caught up in your work (especially if you really enjoy what you do); however, she works in an office setting and, as far as being thrilled to do what she does? It really depends on the day that you ask.
That said, sadly, whenever I nudge her to take her lunch break in order to literally get a break, she simply says that she has too much to do to leave her desk and grab something to eat. Umm, you feel this way every damn day for multiple years at a time? In my opinion, something is off — way off, especially since she typically stays beyond the time that she is off of the clock and then turns right around and works on the weekends, too (even though it’s not actually required of her). To me, this is the classic sign of someone who is a workaholic.
Unfortunately, she’s not even close to being alone. In fact, I actually once read that around 30 percent of people fall into the workaholic category — and while many of them think that it’s simply an indication that they are passionate about what they do, it’s actually a red flag that something is definitely awry. It could be rooted in low self-esteem and the desire to prove that they are good enough. It could be the other extreme and be about narcissism and the craving for constant praise and appearing to be better than everyone else. It could be because their upbringing has “programmed” them to believe that overworking is a sign of being a good worker. It could be that they use work as a way to avoid issues and/or "cope" with stress.
As I was doing more reading up on workaholism, I thought about how I used to be, what I would call a “relational workaholic.” And you know what? A lot of the reasons are very similar to why people go overboard on their jobs. Interestingly enough, the signs of being a workaholic in the relationship realm — romantic, familiar, and platonic — are very similar too.
I’ve shared many times that one of my favorite quotes of all time is, “The excess of a virtue is a vice.” Aristotle said it. It means that anything done in the extreme will eventually become problematic because life is all about balance. That said, now that I’ve introduced this concept, you’ve always wondered if you could possibly be a relational workaholic; I’m going to compare it to some signs of being a traditional workaholic.
After reading this all the way through, do some journaling, and then hop into the comments and tell me what your ultimate conclusion is. Because if you are a workaholic — any kind of workaholic — take this as your sign that something has to give.
You Try to Be Perfect in Your Relationships
GiphyIf you are in a semi-serious relationship and either you find yourself walking on eggshells or you are hiding some significant things about yourself in order to appear…less human than you actually are, please hear me when I tell you that you are doing yourself, your relationship and the person you are seeing a gigantic disservice. Just like a telling sign that you’re a workaholic on your job is that you are a perfectionist, a big indication that you are a relational workaholic is if you try and hide your flaws or issues with those around you too.
And here’s the thing: not only is perfectionism totally unrealistic, it’s stressful, it’s exhausting and, at the end of the day, it’s not very rewarding.
Plus, on the relational tip, it can really affect your ability to trust the people you are dealing with because there will always be a part of you that is wondering if they would stick around if they really knew what you were all about. Always remember that in order for individuals to complement your life, they’ve got to know who they are complementing — and that can’t happen unless you are being a genuine person. Perfectionism robs you of that.
You’re Stressed Out
GiphyEven though I just touched on this, let’s go a bit deeper. Although both jobs and relationships have moments that may be stressful, if either one of these things is constantly bringing you anxiety, if it’s always got you worrying about something you said or did, if it’s bringing tension or strain into other parts of your world — if at the end of the day, it feels like a burden, guess what? You are in something that is unhealthy for you, and no amount of money from a job or attention (or time) via a relationship is worth it.
For one thing, stress can bethe cause of health-related issues like obesity, heart disease, irregular periods, cancer,diabetes, and depression. Also, being stressed hinders your performance, pretty much across the board. Meaning, if you’re stressed out at work, you won’t be very productive, and if you’re stressed out in your relationships, it will just bring more pressure, drama, and potential trauma to everyone involved (one way or another).
You know, it’s been reported that around34 percent of folks are in a constant state of feeling overwhelmed all of the time. Oftentimes it’s the result of either doing too much or not prioritizing things well. This can happen at work, and it can happen in your relationships, too. Bottom line with this one is, nothing should be stressful all of the time. If that’s what you’ve currently got going on, you already know what I’m about to say.
You (Always) Prioritize Them over Everything Else
GiphyYour job is what you do; it shouldn’t be all of what you are. And you know what? Your relationships shouldn’t be all-consuming, either. For the record, I don’t care what kind of relationship it is — (gasp!) even your spouse or your children. And listen, if what I just said triggered you in some way, you’re the person who needs to read this part of the article, especially because it is never a good idea to be so involved in something or someone that other things are constantly falling by the wayside, especially yourself.
On the work tip, folks like this oftentimes find themselves in positions where their manager or supervisor totally takes them for granted (even if it isn’t intentional). Relationally, your spouse can either take you for granted (sometimes without even noticing) or they can end up feeling suffocated while your kids can either become stagnated (due to you doing everything for them) or entitled (because they expect you to do everything for them).
Back in my hella codependency days, I was good for prioritizing a lot of folks over myself. The way that it would manifest in my world is I would take care of other people’s needs ahead of my own. Sometimes, it would be so extreme that I’d find myself covering other people’s bills before paying the ones that I had. All it did was result in me ending up with more problems and becoming resentful towards them that I did something that, oftentimes, they never asked me to do in the first place (yeah, codependency, by far, offers more liabilities than assets).
Anyway, by definition, a priority is something that has the right to take precedence over other things; it’s something that deserves special attention. And while many things can — and should — be a priority in your life, sometimes those priorities need to shift around (a bit), especially if you are the one who is being left out as far as your list is concerned.
You Do More than What Is Required
GiphyLISTEN. HERE. I don’t know about you, but I have had experiences with individuals where, after literally doing the absolute most for them, when I brought up that I wasn’t being appreciated, their response would be something along the lines of, “I never asked you to do all of that in the first place.” Ouch. And although it can be really easy to play the victim card out in times like these, I’m recommending, from very up close and personal experience, that you really ponder what they said — because sometimes, both at work and in relationships, we really do go overboard.
Sometimes it’s because of our enthusiasm about the job or connection we have with another person; however, other times it’s because, deep down, there’s a part of us that thinks that if we don’t do more than is actually required, they may not see the use for us or want us around as much.
As far as relationships are concerned, my main point here is if someone truly likes you for you and values what you bring to the table, you won’t have to bend over backward or damn near go broke just to have them in your life. Know what else? The giving will be so reciprocal that you won’t feel like you are the only one who is going above and beyond — the mutuality will be quite evident. If that isn’t the case, red flag central, sis.
Some of Your (Other) Relationships Are Strained
GiphyThere is a classic workaholic who is reading this who needs to hear what I am about to say: IF YOUR JOB IS PUTTING A STRAIN ON YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, YOUR LIFE IS OUT OF BALANCE. And for the relational workaholics who are checking this out, let’s look at your friendships for a second. If you’ve got one friend who is so needy (or is it selfish?) that you find yourself pouring so much time, effort, and/or energy into them that you don’t really have time for anyone else, that isn’t a very healthy dynamic.
Although there are definitely going to be times when certain friends will need more from you than others (because we all know that life do be life-ing out here), your friends aren’t your children; what I mean by that is you shouldn’t be out here emotionally babysitting grown adults to the point where other relationships are neglected because of it.
Hmph. I had a friend back in the day who couldn’t stand one of his wife’s friends because he said that the woman was borderline disrespectful. She would call his phone if she couldn’t find his wife, she would call at inappropriate hours, and she felt entitled to a lot of his wife’s time. Although, in my opinion, his wife should’ve nipped A LOT of that in the bud, this is a good example of when one relationship can put a strain on another.
When you’re used to overdoing things, you might fall into something like this without even noticing. Now that I’ve brought it to your attention, though, I hope you’ll reflect on whether this point personally applies to you — and then make adjustments where necessary, if so.
You Don’t Know How to Make Time for Yourself
GiphyChile, if there is one thing that I am gonna do over here, it’s make some time for myself — aggressively and unapologetically so, too. This has become even more of a practice since I’ve had more coaching clients because, although I enjoy what I do, I ain’t got no lies to tell you: sometimes humans can be draining beings and, when you do the kind of work that I do if you’re not careful, you can find yourself getting so absorbed into their stuff and their world that you end up neglecting your own needs…and nothing about that is even remotely good, beneficial or healthy.
You know, if you’ve ever heard that you should give to others out of your “overflow” instead of your “lack,” there is a ton of truth to that. If a friend is going through a breakup and needs to talk, it’s okay to take a walk alone or a nap before returning their call or heading over to their place. If your boyfriend needs you to do something for a relative that drains your energy (or spirit), it’s OK to decline until you are mentally or emotionally in the space to do it without an attitude or a feeling of resentment. If someone needs a favor, you are well within your rights to make sure that you have “it” to give and that you’re not just granting their request simply because they asked.
Workaholics, in any form, oftentimes suffer because they don’t prioritize themselves. Work-wise, they tend to do more than they are compensated or rewarded for. Relationally, they typically end up feeling used, even if it’s not until months or later when their bandwidth has been pushed to its limit. Neither outcome is helpful. Do all that you can to avoid it/them.
You Are Motivated by Fear More than Love
GiphyAre you killing yourself at work because you’re scared of what will happen if you don’t? Are you killing yourself in one (or more) of your relationships because you’re afraid that you could lose them otherwise? Another point that’s worth going in all-caps: DON’T DO THINGS OUT OF FEAR. More times than not, when we’re scared of something or someone, that is alerting us that something about it/them is unsafe.
Your company may be unpredictable (financially or when it comes to how it prioritizes things), or they may have a pattern of using intimidation to get folks to do more than their job description. You may have some people in your life who…don’t so much care about you; it’s more that they enjoy the benefits that come from being in a relationship with you. And because you know this and yet you ignore it, you allow fear to motivate you to do whatever it takes to keep the position — at work or with someone…when it really may not be worth it.
I am a living testament to the fact that outcomes are different when you do things out of love instead of fear. That’s why I once came up with the quote, “Love is a gift. Not a bribe,” because that is the absolute truth. And so, if you’re doing things in your relationships out of fear, step back and get to the root of that. Fear creates anxiety, doubt, despair, suspicion, and uneasiness — does any of that sound like the foundation of a solid relationship to you? Yeah, me neither.
As I wrap it up, whether you’re a workaholic or a relational workaholic, ask yourself if you’re “doing it for the love” or if something else is going on. Fear is alerting you to problems. Love will help you to create boundaries to keep everything in balance. Always choose the latter — you’ll toil so much less if/when you do.
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Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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