Sometimes, I will sit down to pen a piece and the Universe will be on some, "Yeah…let's wait a couple of days. I've got something to show you." Such was the case with this article. When I saw a particular tweet that seemingly came out of nowhere, I was like…how do y'all say it—"That's it. That's the tweet." And indeed, it is.
The tweet itself is probably something that A LOT of women can relate to. But the reason why I'm using it as the intro for this is 1) it serves as a warning to go with your gut on stuff like this (if it took 10 years, you probably didn't really want him) and 2) because of so many of the messages that were underneath. Here are five of 'em.
Aunty once it's past a year of curving then it become all about revenge now
— DUKE DARLS (@Iam_DukeDarls) December 8, 2019
U became a conquest after ONE year
— Dodo El Patron (@Chief_Torbah) December 8, 2019
You turned to a bucket list after year 2 😂
— King Jaja(Izuchukwu...Kendrick😍)💸💰🚬⚽🇳🇬🇺🇸 (@Naija_Hokage) December 8, 2019
Let me tell u something, when d love wait too long it become a revenge mission that must be achieved.
— Oscar (@Oscar29784957) December 8, 2019
In the last days, the heart of men will grow cold 😂
— first of his name (@emreyys) December 8, 2019
Hmph two times. Actually, five times. Nobody said that dating was easy; that's why I thought it would be important to encourage you to make some dating-related promises that can help you to navigate through dating's sometimes treacherous waters. The first one that you should declare? That you will value your guy friends and seek advice from them more often in the new year. Because while so many women are out here guessing how a man's mind works, a lot of men already know straight up. As a bonus, they have absolutely no problem putting you on game so that you won't have to tweet out something similar to what sis did.
And with that hopefully lil' pearl of wisdom out of the way, here are 10 other promises to hopefully help you to date effectively rather than regrettably in the year of our Lord.
1. “I will be clear on what I am dating for at this point in my life.”
Not everyone dates for the same reasons and honestly, no one should be penalized for that. If you want to date next year in order to find your husband, that's cool, but a guy is not automatically a jerk simply because he'd prefer to casually date (perhaps indefinitely) instead. Typically, the drama comes in when two people are attracted to each other, start hanging out and then, a few months up the road, they realize that they want two totally different things. That's why, it's best for you to know what you want and, on the second or third date with someone to bring that up. That way, you can both know, pretty early on, if you're on the same page with one another—or not.
2. “I will not allow my past experiences to jade my future opportunities.”
I can't tell you how many times I've heard a woman say she hates dating when, what I really think she means that her past dating experiences have been less than stellar. Personally, I think that a well-planned date with someone I'm attracted to is a beautiful thing. But no one can enjoy new dating experiences if they have a such a bitter or jaded perspective that they aren't open to new people and opportunities.
One way to prevent sucky dates from happening quite so often is to have a few thorough conversations with a prospective date on the front end. It's OK to ask what his ideas of a perfect date are and to share some of yours too. If during the planning process, you already see some red flags (like he's dragging his feet on coming up with a clear plan or he mentions you coming to his house or him coming to yours and it's the first, second or third date), either bring them to his attention or cancel.
Just don't manifest a negative self-fulfilling prophecy by focusing so much on your past that you're not even remotely open to what could happen, in the best way possible, in the future. Even if that "future" is with someone else.
3. “I will know what I require upfront.”
Earlier this year, when I penned a piece entitled "5 Things That Are OK To Require On A First Date", some people thought that "requiring" anything was being unrealistic. Clearly, I don't. Let me tell it, a lot of us end up settling for less and it's all because we don't require certain things as much as we should. A requirement is a need. And yes, if you need chivalry (for example), it's OK to require that. Now, can you "make" a man open doors for you or pay on the first date? No. But if chivalry is important to you and he doesn't meet your standards, you can refuse to go on another date. Simple as that.
The reason why it's important to know where you stand at the beginning of a date is because, just as the Good Book says, "charm is deceitful" (Proverbs 31:30). If you don't have a personalized list of requirements in tow, a guy's looks and/or personality could talk you into lowering your standards and, as I tell people often—"You only end up bending over backwards when your bar is too low." When you know what you need and don't waver on that, it will keep you from getting so attached so soon that you start to waver in the very places where you should stand firm.
4. “I will be open to dating outside of my ‘type’.”
When it comes to this particular point, I encourage you to check out "According To Experts, We All Have A 'Type'" and "Should You Consider Dating Someone You're Not Attracted To?" When it comes to the second article, let me tell you—there were some people out here who were triggered. Automatically, they took that to mean that I was encouraging them to settle when, really, if they actually read beyond the title (or did more than skim it), they'd get that what I was actually saying is if all you go by is someone not totally being your physical type, you could end up missing out on a really good man. My late fiancé was attractive but absolutely not my physical type. My first love was totally my type and about took my uterus out (relatively speaking). I actually just saw him recently; he's still my type and still…not a good fit (to put it mildly).
You know what they say—insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Allow this to be the year when you open yourself to guys who may not be totally your type but are still appealing individuals. A wise man once said, "If you only peep through keyholes, everything is keyhole-shaped." Your type might expand if you date people who are little more outside of your typical…type. I'm just sayin'.
5. “I will also be open to going on dates that are outside of the box.”
Maverick Movies is an independent Black movie channel that sometimes features some cool films. One day, I caught one entitled Sure Looks Good. One of the main characters reminded me a lot of Regine from Living Single in the sense that she only dated men with money. Then she met a guy who took her on a picnic; that turned her off. Then she was totally outdone when she found out he also didn't have a car. What she didn't know was he had a pretty good job, but he sold his car in order to invest in his photography business. Hmph. While she was out here dating rich men she wasn't really into, the "broke" guy that she actually liked was building an empire. He actually reminds me of who Joan (from Girlfriends) ended up getting engaged to. Remember how Aaron rode the bus, lived in a tiny ass apartment, and also didn't do a lot of initial wining and dining because he was trying to save up to buy a house?
I'm not trying to convince you to date a man who wants to only eat ice cream on a metro bus. But what I am saying is if a guy wants to do something that is a little different from what you are used to and his approach to life isn't quite what you'd expect—so long as you dig him and he treats you right, don't be so quick to shut the door. Some of the best things happen when we don't have such a tight grip on how they are "supposed" to go. I'll also say that some of my best dates have consisted of doing things that I never really thought I would do—or even like to do.
6. “I will not talk myself out of the red flags that I see.”
If you don't adhere to any of these other dating-related recommendations, please hold on to this one. Instead of seeing red (stop) flags as yellow (caution) ones, take them for the color that they are and MOVE. ON. And what are some of the dating red flags that you shouldn't ignore? A man who has a temper. A man who is too prideful to admit that he's wrong or to apologize when he is. A man who has a serious bout of commitment phobia. A man who has no problem with you being his wife without him being your husband (see "Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife"). A man who sits back and lets you do all of the work to make things work. A man who doesn't make you feel emotionally safe. A man who is selfish. A man who is a narcissist. A man who knows your triggers—and constantly pushes them. A man who is great in bed but nowhere else.
Red flags exist so that we can see them and pump our brakes, not see them and talk ourselves into turning guys into our own personal projects. No one is perfect; that is so true. But if you happen to see any of the flags that I just mentioned, don't use that as a justification to stick around longer than you should.
When it comes to the red flags I shared, guys are better off working on those alone than us staying with them and enabling their weaknesses. If you choose to stay anyway, don't say you weren't warned. Again, red means "stop", not "pause". Always remember that.
7. “I will actually listen to what he says.”
Have mercy. I know a lot of people who think they are good listeners when they actually totally suck at it. How can you know if you are one of those people? You don't listen to what it being said; you only focus on what you want to hear. You take over conversations. You interrupt people while they are speaking. You don't pause to process what was said before responding (or reacting). You make everything about you, even when it's not. Ugh. There really is no telling how many relationships could be saved if both people listened better.
Make it a point to be a better listener while on your dates. This means doing the opposite of what I just shared. It also means that if a guy says, "I'm not interested in anything serious", you don't translate that into, "If he spends more time with me, I can change his mind." Listening is about hearing and accepting what is being said; not hearing and then finding a way to "edit" it to suit your purposes.
8. “I will not rely on dating to make me feel good about myself.”
This one is a biggie. Some women have told me that they hate dating because, whether it's the guy or the kind of dating experiences that they end up having, the end result is they always end up questioning their value or self-worth. First, let me say this—a guy who is a simp date or who totally lacks creativity and forethought is not a reflection on you; that is all on him. Second, if you are going on a date to seek confirmation of your worthiness, that is the absolute wrong reason to be doing it in the first place.
Anyone who has the privilege of spending time with you, they should feel honored. You are a prize. A prize. And third, looking for dates to make you feel good about yourself is giving them way too much power. Dating is about getting to know someone better. If things work out, awesome. If they don't, he wasn't your right fit and discovering that is a good thing.
The key to keep dating from totally damaging your self-esteem is to always keep in mind why you're doing what you're doing. What I mean by that is, don't date because some guy wants you to. Don't date because all of your friends are doing it. Don't date because you hate being alone. Date because it's an experience you want to have with someone, knowing that no matter how it turns out, you're going be OK. Better than that even. Why? Because—say it with me this time—you are the prize. Hmph. Ole' boy should be so lucky.
9. “I will embrace each date as a learning experience, whether it’s good or bad.”
I'm a quotes girl and one of my favorites is "You're either a blessing or a lesson." So true, so true. Another reason why some women swear off dating is because they refuse to look at dating from this perspective. No one wants to go on a date with their hopes up, only to come home feeling like someone was a complete waste of their time. But if you choose to have a more positive and purposeful outlook, even the bad dates can teach you something; especially something about yourself.
And what if you've gone on so many bad dates at this point that you've totally lost count? Well, you know what they say—everywhere you go, there you are. What are the common threads on the front end that you could stand to switch up on? I'm telling you, if you see dates as experiences rather than potential fairy tale endings, all of them can work for you in the long run—whether the date was "good" or…not.
10. “I will maintain the balance of high standards, a gracious spirit and living in the moment.”
One more. The funny thing about dating is, nothing reminds you more, just how human nature works. What I mean by that is, whenever you go out on a date with someone, the point is always driven home that the only person you can ever control is you. Yet a lot of us return home totally pissed, put off or outdone, not because of our actions but the actions of someone else. That's why, I wanted to end this dating piece by encouraging you to remember to keep your standards high (not unrealistic but high), to have a gracious spirit (rather than a rude or entitled one), and to not be so focused on trying to turn a first date into a potential future marriage proposal; instead, live in the moment.
Relax. Have a good time. Use each date to get you closer to understanding what you want and what you don't want. Allow this to be the year when you cultivate how to make dating work in your favor. Because, you know what? If you keep these 10 promises to yourself, you can do exactly that. Then…who knows what 2021 will have in store. Ya feel me? Something tells me that you do.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Dear Men, I'm Good On The "WYD" Texts
The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have
Here's Why You KEEP Not Getting What You Need In Your Relationships
7 Ways To Have An Incredible First Date
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And that is why I decided to put emphasis on the word “late” for today’s topic. Because if you and someone break up and they approach you, well after the fact, with an “I’m sorry,” if you struggle with whether or not to accept it due to the timing of it all, you should definitely ponder that a bit.
And as you’re doing so, it might help to read a bit deeper into what an apology should look and live like, even from an ex, regardless of when it shows up.
Your “late.” Or his right on time.
Three Things That a True Apology Consists Of
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that when you work as a therapist/counselor/coach, a lot of people never really see you as human — and this can include your close relationships. What I mean by that is, it’s almost like they expect you to be free on-call therapy to the point where they “forget” to actually check on you sometimes.
Such is the case with one of my longest-running friendships. Even during the weeks between losing my mother and losing $4K (SMDH), she would just keep calling me to vent about her marriage. I finally got so fed up that I brought it to her attention that for the past couple of years, that is exactly what our friendship has been like: her venting, me listening without her being very invested in my life at all. In response, she texted me an apology — and boy, was it beautiful.
I’m not going to share the details of what she said; however, I am going to tell you three things that it consisted of because it’s what I believe ALL APOLOGIES should entail.
1. She took full ownership for what she believed that she did. I framed this point in this way because, something that everyone needs to forever keep in mind is the fact that two people start and, to a large extent, end relationships — and what I mean by that is, it’s never like one person was perfect and the other was the villain. That said, though, when someone is making an apology to another individual, they are going to own their part and articulate what that part is. It’s not gonna be a simple “My bad.”
It’s going to be “I am really sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me” or “I apologize for taking you for granted” — something that sounds like they get the “offense” that transpired. By doing this, they recognize their missteps — and that is what puts people on the road to not repeating them.
2. She did not deflect or gaslight me. You know what one of the worst apologies are: It’s when someone says they are sorry and then follows it up with, “But you do it too” or “If you hadn’t done ‘A’, I wouldn’t have done ‘B.'” Justifying your actions is a surefire way to make someone believe that you don’t really think that you did something wrong (or that bad) in the first place. And really, how can they trust you (again) if that is how you feel? Oh, and don’t get me on gaslighting.
Ugh, ain’t nothing like someone claiming that they want to set things right with you, only to act like they don’t really get where you are coming from with the issues y’all were having in the first place. A good gaslight line in an apology: “If that is what you think happened, I apologize.” Yeah, you can keep that, jack. Never accept this kind of apology — because it isn’t one.
3. She addressed why she needed to make the apology in the first place. Wanna know one of the main reasons why I don’t trust people who don’t believe in having regrets (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”)? Did you know that apology means “a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another.” How, as a human, do you think that you are out here not making any mistakes or poor decisions that you sometimes need to APOLOGIZE for? That is just…insane.
And one of the reasons why apologies are important is because if you feel bad about “failing” someone, it’s usually because you value them enough to want to keep them around. And yes, in my friend’s apology, she also explained why she didn’t want me to feel hurt in the way that she had hurt my feelings and what she would do to prevent that from happening in the first place.
So y’all, with all of this out of the way, before getting deeper into this topic? If an ex is hitting you up to apologize to you for something, please make sure that he hits all three marks of a true apology.
Now let’s keep going.
A Genuine Apology Should Also Include an Amends
GiphyA few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made.” You know how I mentioned a second ago that a solid apology has no gaslighting in it? Hmph. Ain’t it wild how someone can do something that hurts or harms you and yet, they want you to just “hurry up and get over it”? GASLIGHTING.
Someone in my family, after unpacking years of abuse that I experienced at their hand, they had the nerve to say, “I’m not going to keep apologizing to you for this.” Hmm…Okay. So, how about you let me give you a consistent three months’ worth of the years of mistreatment that I experienced from you and then flippantly throw an apology your way. Let’s see how you feel about it. How much you believe that I am being genuine and sincere.
Listen — and please hear me GOOD on this: when someone really gets the magnitude of the pain or discomfort and inconvenience that they caused, they aren’t going to be fine with just saying that they are sorry for it; they are going to ask you what they can do to set things right.
It’s actually a part of the reason why I named the four children who I aborted (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”) because I do have some real remorse for those decisions. Each of their names have an intentional meaning and I strive to leave out their purpose, through those names, on a daily basis. It’s a small way of making amends.
You know, back when my first book came out, my first love reached out, via email, to send me an apology. The apology hit most of the points that I mentioned earlier. Looking back, there wasn’t an offer to make an amends, though, and trust me, there was A LOT to make up for.
At the end of the day, amends means “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense” and while none of us should use bitterness, resentment or emotional stagnation as the “bar” for which we should expect amends to be made, if you’re trying to figure out just how sincere an ex is with their apology, if they want to do something to make things better, that’s a good sign.
There is a caveat, though.
Discern the Motives. Always.
GiphyEarlier this summer, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “What's Your Motive For Sex? (It Reveals A Lot. Trust Me.)” Then, a few weeks ago, I wrote another article entitled, “As Cuffing Season Steadily Approaches, What The Heck Is 'Winter Coating'?” and boy, when I tell you that both of these complement this point really well? Goodness.
If you’ve never heard of the dating trend known as winter coating before, it’s basically when an ex creeps back up around cuffing season — and if you know what cuffing season is all about, you can absolutely connect the very probable motives behind those dots.
Now can there be exceptions? There are ALWAYS exceptions. Still, if you haven’t heard from your ex in years and here he comes a couple of weeks before Christmas, unless the two of you got together or broke up around the holidays, stay on potential “winter coating alert,” because it might not be about “building bridges” so much as getting into your bedroom.
That said, if it’s been a minute (six months or more) since you’ve heard from an ex and he suddenly reaches out to apologize, absolutely take out a moment to discern the motive — and shoot, feel fine with even asking what is causing him to make the move…now. If it’s in the spirit of the holidays and wanting to go into a new year with a clean slate, got it. If it’s because he’s been in therapy and realizes that he didn’t end certain things in his past very well, understood. If it’s because he didn’t like how the two of you broke up and he wants to try and make peace, that’s fair.
On the other hand, if you sense that he wants to rekindle something (check out “Nelly And Ashanti Are Giving It Another Shot? Here's What You Should Know About 'Ex Reconciliation'” and “I'm Thrilled That Ryan Destiny & Keith Powers Are Back Together. 5 Things Before Reuniting With Your Ex, Tho.” and “What Happens When 'The One Who Got Away'...Comes Back?”) — although that’s kind of another article for another time, do check that motive.
When someone apologizes, you should really be the only focus for them; not what they can get out of it on the back end. Listen, even if he hopes to get back with you (or back in bed with you), that shouldn’t be something that is discussed during the apology. If it is said or even implied, something about HIS MOTIVE is disingenuous. And if that is indeed the case, to a valid extent, so is he.
We All Should Give the Grace and Mercy That We Desire
GiphySooner than later, I’m going to write an article about forgiveness (beyond what I already have here). For now I’ll just say that if you are someone who thinks that other people don’t deserve forgiveness? That is either your pain or your ego talking and, either way, you can’t trust “their” judgment.
All of us mess up sometimes and if you are a karma (or you reap what you sow) believer, then you absolutely should want to extend others grace and mercy so that you can receive it in your own time of need (and you are absolutely delusional if you think a time won’t come, sooner than you probably think, that you will need it).
Besides, do you know all of the self-inflicted drama and trauma that comes from NOT forgiving others: higher blood pressure, insomnia, stress, anxiety, the higher risk of a heart attack, a weakened immunity, a greater risk for depression and anxiety — whatever he did, is it really worth all of this? Yeah, while a lot of people think that weaponizing forgiveness is empowering, really all it’s doing is putting themselves in harm’s way. Physically. Emotionally. SPIRITUALLY: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14-15 — NKJV)
By the way, no one is saying that forgiving that man means that you have to allow him back into your life. After all, access is a privilege. Yet if he comes to you and acknowledges that he feels sorry for some things, for the sake of your own sanity, why not let him express it? Don’t wanna meet up or talk on the phone? Understood. Email and/or text are there for the taking. Don’t want to go back and forth? Who said that it needs to be a discussion or a debate?
All I know is, the more time you spend on this planet, the more you want to put out the energy that you want to come back. Forgiving others tends to make life easier. Not forgiving? Oh, the way that it boomerangs, sometimes in ways you never saw coming, chile. Dodge that kind of experience (and typically hard life lesson) if you can.
Yes, Better Late than Never
GiphyToo late to apologize. Yeah, I don’t really know if there is such a thing (because forgiving and reconciling are not one in the same and some of y’all will catch that later). I’ll wrap this up with a story to prove my point.
Once upon a time, I knew a woman who was in a serious relationship and yet, whenever her boyfriend would bring up the possibility of marriage, she would stall him out. When I finally asked her what her deal was, she explained that she still harbored so much pain from the man before him that she didn’t fully trust that he was the real deal. About five months later, here came her ex with a thorough explanation for why he made some of the decisions that he did while they were together. Now that she had the full story, she was able to heal. She got married to her boyfriend that following year.
You see where I am going with this? Although your ex’s apology might be “late” as far as y’all’s relationship timeline, the timing may be BRILLIANT when it comes to true when and why you actually need it. Yeah, a Scripture that I adore is “Timing is the Father’s business” (Acts 1:7 — Message) and sometimes those apologies, in the grand scheme of things, are more on time than you could ever imagine; they’re when God deems you need them not when you want to have them.
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It is Oprah Winfrey who once said, “True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience” and sis, if you remove the bitterness and anger and look deeper, there were valuable lessons, even in and from the most challenging relationships. And that is worth appreciating through forgiveness and, if need be, full and complete release.
Bottom line, should you accept an ex’s late apology? Absolutely.
What better way to illuminate your present on a whole ‘nother level.
Just as forgiveness always does.
TRUST ME.
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