

November 5 taught us a lot. November 6 started the beginning of a social media cleanse of all the creators whose values don’t necessarily align with mine. Because we can’t just "agree to disagree" when it comes to my human and civil rights.
Social media gets a bad rap sometimes, but let's be real – it's a game-changer for social justice. We've seen how it can give a voice to those who've been silenced, bring communities together, and push for real change. It's on us to use this power responsibly. By sharing info, raising awareness, and speaking up for what we believe in, we can help build a fairer world.
Whether it's supporting movements like Black Lives Matter, fighting for LGBTQ+ rights, or pushing for a greener planet, social media lets us connect, learn, and inspire action.
But remember, posting and retweeting is just the start. Real change happens when we get involved offline, think critically, and challenge the status quo. We need to go beyond just "looking" like we care and put in the work to fix the root of the problems.
In the wake of that cheeto being elected again, we found out about some of the popular TikTokers and their support of him. But like my girl Eni said, “A lot of you would not be as disappointed in your favorite influencers right now if you made more Black women your favorite influencers.”
@theasiafrances If youre on black tiktok younwould know that theires nothing new on the other side ! Creators: theemillennialmanager, jaydanotpinkettsmith, _simplystephh #ladyinthebathroom #blacktiktok
From The Lady in The Bathroom to Nara Smith, there were some surprises on the MAGA front. It also reminds me of my idea to have non-Black folks request access to our culture before appropriating it. No need to dance to GloRilla in your bathroom if you ain’t Black or don’t have a permission slip signed by us.
Now, I am thankful I didn’t have to cleanse my feed too much because I support Black women in all ways, always. In case you needed some help finding Black Girl Magic on TikTok, ahead, find some of our faves.
@EniGivenSunday
@enigivensunday Its the dress
Eni is a vibrant creator based in NYC who transitioned from a career in law to self-employment, using her platform to share a mix of lifestyle, humor, and travel content. Her videos often provide thoughtful commentary on life experiences, such as navigating solo travel as a Black woman, finding joy in new beginnings, and embracing change. Eni also offers engaging daily vlogs, travel diaries, and beauty content, blending authenticity with a touch of wit. She’s celebrated for her ability to connect with her audience through relatable insights and an inspiring journey of self-discovery.
@JazTurner16
@jazturner16 cause i loveee to smell delicioussss
Jaz Turner embodies empowerment and individuality through her content. From bold fashion statements to uplifting messages, Jaz inspires her audience to embrace their personal style and inner strength. Her creative videos highlight her vibrant personality and passion for self-expression, making her a standout voice in the fashion and lifestyle space.
@Kristy.Sarah
@kristy.sarah his personal alarm clock
Kristy Sarah is one-half of the hilarious and viral couple behind @kristy.sarah. Known for their playful pranks, relationship skits, and family-centered content, Kristy and her husband provide endless laughs. Beyond humor, Kristy also shares snippets of their daily life, parenting moments, and relationship advice, making her a must-follow for comedy and lifestyle enthusiasts.
@JeneeNaylor
@jeneenaylor Airport Fit
Jenee is a TikTok creator celebrated for her expertise in style and beauty. She shares content ranging from outfit inspiration, seasonal fashion guides, and beauty tips to behind-the-scenes glimpses of her partnerships with brands like Victoria’s Secret and Bobbi Brown. As a style expert, she curates eclectic looks that balance sophistication and fun, offering tips for everything from everyday outfits to holiday-themed ensembles. Her videos often showcase her vibrant personality, making her content relatable and aspirational for her followers.
@JaylaBrenae5
@jaylabrenae5 They are now fully as invested as us and want to go visit the new build every day too😭💕 #customhome #homebuilding #homebuild #ourhenryhome #thehenryresidence
Jayla Henry is a rising star in the lifestyle space on TikTok. Based in Dallas, Texas, known for her engaging lifestyle content and heartfelt storytelling. Her platform serves as a video diary where she shares relatable moments from her life as a mom, her family milestones, and everyday experiences. She often highlights her journey with her son, showcasing tender moments that resonate with her audience, such as celebrating his milestones and navigating the joys and challenges of motherhood. You’ll quickly fall in love with her husband Tony and two kiddos, Nyla B and Braylon.
@EaseWithAlex
@easewithalex #GentleReminder: You are not doing too much. #NotetoSelf #fypツ #relationships #mid30s #healingjourney
Alex Elle is a wellness and self-care advocate who uses her platform to promote healing and personal growth. As a celebrated writer and poet, her content is a mix of affirmations, introspective talks, and mental health tips. Alex's soothing voice and thoughtful insights provide a safe space for followers looking to engage in mindfulness and self-love practices.
@JaydaPickettNotSmith
@jaydanotpinkettsmith MUSTAAAAARRRRRD #kendricklamar #djmustard #jaydanotpinkettsmith #bigjayda❤️🔥 #blacktiktok #blackfyp #fypシ #fyp #newmusicfriday #newmusic #hiphop #calitiktok
Jayda Pickett Not Smith has always been the only lady in the bathroom that matters. I can’t tell you the number of times she’s put me on to a trending sound. Also known as Big Jayda, she is a Chicago-based TikTok creator who captivates her audience with nostalgic content and her love for music. Her videos often feature throwbacks to early 2000s R&B and hip-hop, creative mashups, and relatable commentary about life as a music enthusiast.
Known for her vibrant personality, she blends humor and music appreciation, showcasing her deep connection to cultural moments from past decades. Jayda's content often sparks feelings of nostalgia while highlighting her sharp wit and engaging storytelling style.
@Meccavelli
@meccavellii #greenscreen
Meccavelli is a standout creator known for her raw and honest takes on social issues, culture, and life as a Black woman. She seamlessly blends humor with deep discussions, creating a space where her followers feel seen and heard. Meccavelli's charismatic delivery and thought-provoking content make her a must-follow for those who enjoy smart, impactful commentary.
@QuenBlackwell
@quenblackwell @Duke Dennis
Quen Blackwell, often referred to as Quen, is a comedic powerhouse with a larger-than-life personality. Her content ranges from hilarious rants and absurd skits to candid talks about mental health and self-acceptance. Quen's unpredictable humor and relatability have made her one of TikTok's most beloved and unique voices.
@JackieAina
@jackieaina Black women you are doing amazing with what you can and what you have 😘🫶🏾 #blackwomentiktok #blackwomenluxury
Jackie Aina is a beauty industry icon known for her makeup tutorials, product reviews, and strong advocacy for inclusivity. On TikTok, she brings her expertise in beauty along with a dose of her signature humor and sass. Jackie’s candid takes on beauty trends, skincare, and fashion make her a go-to for anyone seeking honest advice and a good laugh. Not to mention, her cleaning videos scratch the brain in the most appropriate way.
@ShariDyonne
@sharidyonne Had to get in my self care bag real quiicckkk #selfcare #naturalhair
Shari is a versatile TikTok creator specializing in food, lifestyle, and travel content. She shares recipes, food reviews, and her experiences exploring unique culinary delights, often adding a touch of humor and authenticity. Shari also highlights moments from her daily life, such as house hunting, interior decorating, and trips to destinations like Jamaica, blending personal stories with aspirational content. Her vibrant personality and relatable approach have garnered her a loyal following, with her platform serving as a source of inspiration for embracing life’s adventures.
@AllyiahsFace
@allyiahsface My natural hair is loving this glow out using @Kérastase Elixir ultime! #KerastasePartner Look at how bouncy and shiny! I’m in love #KerastaseGlowOut Available @sephora
This OG YouTuber is the ultimate destination for beauty and lifestyle inspiration. Known for her polished aesthetic and relatable personality, Allyiah delivers makeup tutorials, skincare tips, and glimpses into her glamorous yet approachable life. Her content exudes confidence and elegance, making her a go-to creator for anyone looking to elevate their everyday routine. Whether it’s a candid GRWM or an in-depth beauty haul, Allyiah keeps her audience hooked with her vibrant energy and expert recommendations.
@SerenaPagee
@serenapagee this was supposed to be a cute video..😂😂😂
If you’re not a Serena Page fan, now’s the time. The Love Island USA winner blends humor, authenticity, and relatability in her content, making her an instant favorite. Her witty takes on everyday situations and laugh-out-loud storytelling resonate with audiences looking for a good chuckle and a dose of realness. Serena’s ability to turn the mundane into something hilarious is unmatched, and her charismatic personality keeps followers coming back for more. Not to mention, we love every moment she shares with PPG and Kordell.
@KennedyandKeyonce
@kennedyandkeyonce Yes I need a steamer but more importantly…which purse should I wear?
Kennedy absolutely captivates TikTok with their infectious personality and authentic content. From hilarious skits to relatable hair moments, she brings joy and laughter to her audience. Kennedy’s posts often explore relatable scenarios with a comedic twist, making her videos enjoyable and widely relatable. Additionally, she uses TikTok LIVE to connect with her audience in real-time, fostering an interactive and personal connection.
@TaylorAnise
@tayloranise not as flat, but so much easier 😅 #naturalhairtiktok #naturalhairtips
Taylor Anise is a beauty and skincare enthusiast who shares expert tips with her audience in an approachable and engaging way. Her tutorials, product reviews, and self-care routines exude elegance and practicality. Taylor’s passion for helping her followers look and feel their best shines through in her thoughtful and informative content. Whether it’s a twist-out tutorial or a review on scalp oils, we trust Taylor.
@Lexssentials
@lexssentials My current fixation meal: lamb with fries + caesar salad 🤍 #cookwithme #cookingvlog #minivlog #comfortmeals #foodcravings #easyrecipe
Lex’s page is a hub for all things wellness, self-care, and minimalism. Lex's content offers calming energy, thoughtful tips, and easy-to-follow hacks for improving your daily life. Her focus on intentional living and nurturing both mind and body resonates with followers seeking balance and inspiration. She makes us want to get in our baking bag every Sunday.
@Aniyahmorinia
@aniyahmorinia the long awaited slick back bun tutorial! 🫡 #slickbackbun #slickback #blackgirlhairstyles #blackgirlhairtutorial
Aniyah brings nothing but joy and vibrance to TikTok through her lively and relatable content. Whether she’s sharing candid moments, creative skits, or motivational messages, Aniyah’s energy is so good. Her ability to connect with her audience through humor and positivity makes her a standout creator in the lifestyle space. Aniyah’s perspective as a 20-something living in NYC gives us a little Sex and The City.
@ElTheEgg
@eltheegg It’s giving MAKEUP ARTIST! Don’t let your mind trick you into not doing things that were meant for you! I applied to Sephora Squad so lots more makeup looks coming!! #blackgirlmakeup #selfportrait #sephorasquad #avantgarde
The recent law school grad serves up comedy and charm in spades, turning everyday observations into hilarious moments. With her unique sense of humor and sharp wit, El creates content that’s both entertaining and endlessly relatable. Her playful personality and knack for storytelling make her videos a must-watch. She also created a list of her favorite Black creators in appreciation for Eni’s TikTok.
@MakaylaMashell
@makaylamashelle Replying to @ollyisfried contour placement to lift and snatch your face✨ - this is just where I place my cream contour and bronzer but the rest of my makeup really finishes everything 💕
Self-proclaimed girly girl Makayla Mashell is a versatile creator who showcases beauty in her engaging content. Her storytelling skills and warm personality make every video feel like a conversation with a close friend. From relatable anecdotes to stunning beauty tips, Makayla keeps her audience entertained and inspired. Need to know more about big hair or contour placement? Makayla has got you covered.
@RuesWorldd
@ruesworldd Oh just a girl and her camera// jacket from @SUPA888 #fyp #foryou
Rue's TikTok account is a must-follow for fashion enthusiasts. Her unique ability to blend classic and contemporary styles, along with her engaging presentation and knowledge of fashion history, sets her apart in the crowded fashion space. She offers a refreshing take on fashion trends, providing inspiration and styling tips while showcasing her impeccable taste and creative flair. Her content is not only visually appealing but also informative and entertaining, making her a true fashion innovator and a valuable resource for anyone seeking to elevate their style.
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Your July 2025 Monthly Horoscopes Are All About Reflection & Reclaiming Your Power
July is a month of reflection, trusting the process, and gathering your resources. July marks the beginning of Retrograde Season, and there is a lot to move through and understand this month. We enter the month in Cancer Season, and emotions are running high. This month is a reminder that when we can take a moment for a pause, reflect on all we have learned, and remain open to what is ahead of us, we can experience true peace today.
On July 4, we have Venus entering Gemini and Neptune going retrograde in Aries. Venus in Gemini brings an interesting dynamic to matters of love and creates an atmosphere of fun, flexibility, and communication in partnerships. Neptune going retrograde in Aries brings a sense of empowerment regarding reflection and contemplation, and guides us to ask ourselves the important questions. This Neptune retrograde is about getting clear on who you are or who you want to be, and about clearing any confusion in that.
July 2025 Astrology Overview
Uranus Enters Gemini
Uranus makes an important transit this month and enters Gemini on July 7 after being in Taurus since 2018. Uranus in Gemini is a wildcard, and anything can happen during this time. With Uranus being the planet of change, upheaval, and breakthrough, and Gemini being the sign of communication, there is a new opening appearing in life, especially regarding creative and business matters.
A few days later, we have a Full Moon in Capricorn, grounding all the energy we have experienced the past month. This Full Moon is about creating space for more security, understanding, and purpose to enter your life, and to own your power in creating your dreams.
Saturn Goes Retrograde, Then Mercury
Saturn goes Retrograde on July 13 until November 27, and Saturn Retrograde brings a push towards growth, but also examines what has been restricting you from doing so. With Saturn currently in Aries, you may be feeling more challenged in standing up for yourself and your beliefs and owning your growth. It’s about reminding yourself how far you have come and knowing that things can get better for you at any moment.
A few days later, we have Mercury going retrograde in Leo, and this Mercury Retrograde is also feeling more personal. It’s about examining how you express yourself and live in your confidence, and overcoming miscommunication with others by showing up exactly as you are authentically.
Leo Season Begins, Chiron Goes Retrograde & Venus Enters Cancer
Leo Season officially begins on July 22, bringing more sunshine after the emotional waters of Cancer Season. Even though we are in Retrograde Season now, with the Sun in Leo, we find the power to overcome even the most trying times. On July 24, we have a New Moon in Leo, making this a powerful New Moon to set intentions for your inner power, creativity, hobbies, self-expression, and where you want to shine in life. Chiron goes retrograde on July 30, and Venus enters Cancer on the same day, and we leave July, entering a new door in love.
One that is more healing and passionate than before. Overall, July is a month of closure and one that is creating the new ground for more purpose, excitement, and love to grow. Keep reading for your Sun, Moon, and rising sign below to see what July has in store for you.
Jump to Your Sign
Aries | Taurus | Gemini | Cancer | Leo | Virgo | Libra | Scorpio | Sagittarius | Capricorn | Aquarius | Pisces
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A lot of things are brought to your attention this month, Aries. Neptune entered your sign this year for some time to come, and this month Neptune goes retrograde in Aries until the end of October. For you, this means you need some more time to process, understand yourself and your emotional world better, and you are clearing the fog. You are entering Retrograde Season with a deep inner clarity, but also an understanding that your healing doesn’t need to be rushed.
Mid-month, Saturn goes retrograde in Aries until September 1, and it’s important not to be hard on yourself right now. You have a strong urge to transform your life this month, but things may not be happening as quickly with the retrogrades in your sign. On July 30, Chiron also goes retrograde in Aries until 2026, and you end the month in introspection, with the need to take care of your health more. This month is a reminder that you can make plans, but divine timing will always have a say.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
July is a month of closure for you, Taurus. You begin the month with Uranus going retrograde in your 2nd house of income, and it’s a good time to prepare for a rainy day. Uranus is going to be shifting the dynamics in your life when it comes to your financial investments, earnings, and sense of stability, and it’s time to open your mind to what is possible for you and your abundance in life. You are learning to be fearless when it comes to owning your authenticity, and knowing that who you are is unique and worthy of love.
On July 10, we have a Full Moon happening in your 9th house, creating an opportunity for travel plans to follow through, or you just feeling more adventurous in general. Mid-month is about letting go of old belief systems that don’t resonate with your heart, and clearing the way for the new to be built in your life. You end the month with Chiron retrograde in your 12th house of endings, and you are learning through what is transforming in your life.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You are a powerhouse this month, Gemini. This is a month of achievement, success, and growing more deeply into your power. We begin the month with Venus entering your sign from July 4 until July 30, and love is taking you to new heights. This is a good month for making relationship developments, and for being received well. You are growing in your inner confidence and self-love, and this is creating more harmony in your partnerships as well.
One of the most important astrological transits of the year happens for you this month, and that is Uranus entering your sign on July 7, where it will remain until 2033. With Uranus now being in your sign, you are entering a journey of freedom, rebellion, self-expression, breakthrough, and immense change. You are dancing to the beat of your own drum and will be surprising others by how much life changes for you over the next eight or so years. We end the month with Mercury going retrograde in your 3rd house of communication, remember to think things through as you close out the month.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
July is a month of communication, creativity, and self-expression, Cancer. Cancer Season is here for you, and you are moving through the month claiming your power, speaking from the heart, and balancing your needs with others’ needs in your life. The Full Moon of the month on July 10 is your opportunity to let go of anything that has been weighing you down in your close partnerships, and to create room for more stable, committed, and fulfilling love to enter.
On July 24, we have the New Moon of the month, which will be happening in your 2nd house of income, abundance, and self-worth. You are evaluating how you want to show up and ask for what you need, and are preparing for a financial breakthrough. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for your financial world and to see new ways to create a stronger foundation for yourself here. We end the month with Venus entering your sign from July 30 until August 25, and love feels a little more intense, passionate, and purposeful now.
Your guidance for the month overall is to know that you are the magnet for the things you want in your life, and that you have the power to rise above and claim them.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Joy is what this month is about for you, Leo. You are entering a fulfilling time in your life, where everything comes together for you better than you have ever imagined it to. Mercury goes retrograde in your sign this month from July 18 - August 11, but it’s not stopping you from enjoying your life and living out your truth. You are moving through this Retrograde fearlessly and learning more about yourself in the process.
Leo Season officially begins on July 18, and it’s your time to shine your light, Leo. With the Sun in Leo, you feel like your authentic self is being recognized and loved, and you are healing from a space of feeling like you have to do it all alone. A few days later, we have a Leo New Moon on July 24, and this is the time to set your intentions for your future and for how you want to show up in the world moving forward. July is your month of fulfillment through growth, compassion, and community, and for feeling like you have everything you need.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
July is all about perspective, Virgo. You are getting inspired this month, creating new plans for your life, and owning an adventurous side to yourself. With the Sun in your 11th house of aspirations for most of the month, July is a great time to manifest your dreams and to feel more powerful in creating your reality. Some Virgos could be traveling this month and seeing previous plans through, and you are gaining clarity on a lot of aspects of your life by doing things in a new way right now.
Your ruling planet, Mercury, goes retrograde this month and will be retrograding through an area of your life that has to do with healing, closure, spirituality, and your dream world. Pay attention to the messages you are receiving during this time, because they are guiding you towards your healing and personal empowerment. The New Moon on July 24 will also be highlighting your need to close one chapter of your life and begin another, and you are closing out the month with a new perspective in your heart and soul.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
This is a month of fulfillment for you, Libra. A lot of things are falling into place for you in July, and you are owning your freedom and independence right now. Uranus enters your 9th house of travel at the beginning of the month, and you are entering a new journey in your life where you do things in your own way and when you break free of the status quo. You are growing so much mentally this year, and July is when the work you have done internally is being reflected externally.
On July 10, we have a Full Moon in your 4th house of home, family, stability, and emotional harmony, and you are finding your balance. This is a Full Moon of forgiveness, and one where you are recognizing the power in self-care and taking care of your inner world. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Leo, and you are seeing a breakthrough happen within your friendships, community, and support system. You have some exciting opportunities coming your way this month, and you are living life in your own way and on your own terms.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
July is about protecting your energy, Scorpio. You have been setting your intentions and creating the life you dream of, and it’s important to create boundaries from those who don’t understand your vision or support you right now. With Uranus moving out of your 7th house of love and entering your 8th house of transformation, after changing things up in your relationships for the past eight years, you are ready to break free from old pain, experiences, or uneasiness in love.
Mercury goes retrograde this month on July 18, and will be retrograde in your house of career. This is the time to take a step back, go over your goals, and give life time to catch up to your dreams. The New Moon on July 24 will be activating this same area of your life, and you are getting glimpses of what is possible for you and your sense of success as you end the month. Overall, your main message this month is to not give up on who you are and what you are building towards, and to know that you are on the right path.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This is a powerful month of growth for you, Sagittarius. You have the Midas Touch, and you are creating abundance in your life. With Venus and Uranus moving into your 7th house of love, partnership, harmony, and wealth, there are a lot of new opportunities coming your way right now. You are someone who is out-of-the-box and does things their own way, and this energy is serving you well right now and making you a magnet for new opportunities to enter your life.
Mid-month, we have a Full Moon in your 2nd house of abundance and self-worth, and you are feeling more appreciation and value in your life. Previous financial intentions and plans are coming to fruition for you now, and you are ready to let go of the self-doubt of it all. At the end of the month, we have a New Moon in fellow fire sign Leo, and this New Moon is asking you to take more creative risks and to trust that you are on the right path, even if it looks different than others. If it feels right for you, it probably is, Sag.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Everything comes to fruition for you this month, Capricorn. July is your month of achievement, closure, and claiming your power, and you are doing so confidently. The Sun is in your house of love and partnership for most of the month, and July creates a space of happiness and commitment within your close relationships. On July 10, we have a Full Moon in Capricorn, and life comes full circle for you. Everything you have been building in your life over the past year is being reflected to you now, and you are feeling a lot of gratitude for where life is today.
Mid-month, your ruling planet Saturn, goes retrograde, and this is shifting the energy in the home. Whatever dynamics that have felt a little shaky for you in the home or with family are being addressed now, and you are learning the importance of healing your inner world and doing the work internally. With a New Moon in your 8th house of transformation to end the month, you are getting a little more vulnerable in July, and it’s surprising others, but even yourself. This is your month of closing one door in your life in peace, and seeing a new one bloom in the process.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
July is about taking things slow and thinking things through, Aquarius. Relationship dynamics in your life could be causing some challenges or confusion, and it’s best to choose your battles wisely right now. With the Sun in your house of health and daily rituals for most of the month, it’s important to take care of your well-being before you try to fix anything else. On July 10, we have a Full Moon in your 12th house of healing, closure, and spirituality, and this is a good time to reflect on everything you want to let go of in your life right now and what you no longer want to carry forward with you into your new beginnings.
Saturn, one of your ruling planets, goes Retrograde in your house of communication this month, and over the next few months, you are going to be learning about the power of your words. Make sure you are only speaking of things you want to bring forth into existence, and be careful with jumping to assumptions right now. Before the month ends, Mercury goes Retrograde in your 7th house of love, and your heart is seeking forgiveness. Know that you can find clarity during this time by being honest with yourself and your heart.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
There is a lot to process this month, and your mind is healing, Pisces. July is your month of overcoming past challenges and letting go of habits and routines that don’t serve you in the long run. Neptune, one of your ruling planets, goes Retrograde this month, and will be bringing your attention to your values and income world during this time. This transit is allowing you to gain clarity on your financial reality, establish greater self-worth and confidence, and get inspired by what is possible for you and your sense of abundance in life.
On July 18, Mercury goes retrograde in your 6th house of health, and you are ready to let go of the daily rituals or working routines that have been limiting your personal growth in some way. It’s time to examine what your body, mind, and soul are asking for right now, and to have the power to let go of what doesn’t resonate with your overall well-being. Before the month ends, Chiron goes retrograde in your 2nd house as well, joining Neptune, and there is a lot of healing to be done this month.
You are being asked to see yourself as a powerful, worthy, and loved being you are, and to know that you deserve to feel good about your life and to feel secure in what you are building for yourself and your future.
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Sometimes, It's A Good Idea To Have A Confidant Who ISN'T Your Friend
Being the quotes gal that I am, when it comes to some of my favorite quote authors, the famed poet Rumi would definitely be on my top five list. People who can relate to where I am coming from would probably say that one of his most popular sayings is, “Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone's soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd.” (Dig that.)
As someone who got my start as a published writer by being a house poet, if there were a daily saying that I would put out into the world, it would probably be, “Be intentional about being at least one person’s teacher and one person’s student before the sun sets.” Not only will it keep you sharp, it will also keep you humble…and in this life, you need both. Tremendously and incessantly so.
On the student tip, something that my mother’s husband taught me many years ago actually took me a while to personally apply to my life. Oh, but once I did, I found it to be a real gem: “Shellie, have two confidants in your life. They shouldn’t be your friends, and once you lose them, don’t replace them.”
While this pearl of wisdom might sound quite odd on the surface, I’m thinking that by the time you read all of this, you’ll be able to see just how much of a winning life hack it can actually be.
What Is a Confidant (and Why Aren’t They Always Friends)?
What Is a Confidant?
Tell me something — do you have a confidant? I mean, someone who is strictly that and nothing else. Just so you are crystal clear about where I am coming from, a confidant is someone who you share secrets and private matters with. And although synonyms for the word include ones like acquaintance (acquaintance?!), companion and pal, there is really only one (other) synonym that I will cosign on when it comes to a role that is as significantly essential as a confidant: intimate.
And although intimate does mean things like “characterized by or involving warm friendship or a personally close or familiar association or feeling,” today we’re going to focus on this definition: “very private; closely personal.”
Something that is private is personal — oftentimes deeply personal at that. It’s the kind of information that, in the wrong hands, could hurt or harm you. And that’s why you have to be extremely careful about who you share private matters with.
And although you might think that it’s natural to assume that if someone is your friend — hell, sometimes even a good friend — they should automatically be where your secrets and private matter.
5 Reasons a Confidant-Only Dynamic Works So Well
The Benefits of Having a Confidant Who Isn’t Your “Friend”
Trust me, I will be the first person to say that friendships aren’t created equal and some are much closer than others (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them,” “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?”). Because of that, of course, there are some people who know more about you than others do. Shoot, a couple of my friends and I are tight as all get out and still there are things that they tell their therapist that they don’t tell me — whether it’s right away or period.
Why? Because sometimes you need to be able to say something and not only know, without a doubt, that it will stay right where you left it but you won’t hurt someone’s feelings, be inundated with unsolicited advice or opinions and/or that it will be “held against you” later on. And that’s what makes a confidant-only individual so awesome — they can provide all of these things for you, free of charge. I’ll expound further.
1. Confidants provide an unconditional safe space.
I have a confidant. We’ve known each other for almost three decades at this point and we do care about each other deeply. However, about 12 years ago, after I shared what my mother’s husband said to me with her, we made the decision to shift into the role of being mutual confidants. It’s been awesome because we can say the deepest, ugliest, most shocking (and sometimes just pettiest) stuff to each other about…whatever, without judgment, fear or any level of uncomfortableness — and boy, that is more wonderful than you might realize. Y’all, just knowing that there is someone around and available who you can go to about any and everything and it will remain in the vault…forever? Unconditionally and no matter what? Priceless.
2. Confidants don’t require multitasking.
One of my favorite people in the world, we are extremely close and we both know a ton about each other. Still, because we are friends, there are times when we have hurt each other’s feelings or even been low-key offended and it’s because friendships have (and should) have a set of expectations that can cause hearing certain things to be difficult. With a confidant, though, because they signed up to hear whatever, you don’t find yourself having to “edit” or tiptoe around something. If you need to say it…SAY IT.
They get that their position is to be a sounding board and so, while you should be grateful for the relationship and treat them like you are, they don’t tend to need kid gloves; they don’t take things personally because they know that it’s not about them…AT ALL. It’s about you needing to share something or get a release. No more. No less.
3. The boundaries are clear — and firm.
Sometimes, with friendships/relationships, things can get complicated because folks feel like they have a right to say or do certain things based on the longevity of the dynamic or how emotionally invested they are — and boy, when boundaries get crossed, that can cause all types of issues. With a confidant, for the most part, things are crystal clear. For instance, when my confidant and I decided that we were going to serve that role for each other, we agreed that it could be any time of the day, that we would ask each other if we wanted advice/information/insight or not (more on that in a sec) and even if we stopped being confidants, whatever was discussed would never go past each other.
Hmph. Even if you have to go back to your high school days, I’m willing to bet that there is a former friend who didn’t have this kind of integrity when it came to some of what they knew about you when you were still cool with them. You see, true confidants aren’t interested in getting their “lick backs.” Their investment isn’t so complex that they emotionally even want to. In fact, I’m not sure if there is any dynamic that I have that is more clear about its purpose than the one that I have with my confidant. The limits are uncomplicated and respected. Period.
4. They are awesome stress reducers.
I don’t do social media and my life is quite peaceful because of it. However, there are studies which state that people (especially women) find that sharing intel on social media platforms helps to reduce their stress levels. That said, I’m also sure it’s not a surprise that research also says that having a reliable support system can decrease stress levels as well. However, what you may not know is there is also data which says that if you suppress your secrets, it can ultimately cause you to feel disingenuous and isolated. Not only that but secret-keeping can also increase your tension levels, invoke feelings of shame (depending on what the secret is) and heighten levels of anxiety and depression.
I’d venture to say that a big part of this is because we are relational beings and when we keep things to ourselves, it can cause us to overthink and/or beat ourselves up. Meanwhile, getting things out can make us feel seen and accepted. A confidant can make this happen. In fact, other studies reveal that having a confidant can make you better at resolving conflicts, exerting emotional control, coping with challenges, being more mentally resilient and being more positive and content overall.
5. You can get advice — or not.
Last one. Something that I’ve gotten into the habit of doing when it comes to the person who I am an (officiant) confidant to is asking, before they even say anything, “Do you want me to listen or do you want me to say something about ‘it’?” Listen, I know me and I’ve also heard A LOT of off-the-wall stuff from this individual over the years; therefore, I need to brace for if they just need a sounding board or someone to help them “solve” a/the matter.
With friends and other loved ones, sometimes they don’t have the self-control to be quiet — not just in the moment but period. Confidants agree to say nothing, perhaps forever, on a matter…if that is what “their” person so desires. I’m telling you a confidant who is just that? They are literal godsends.
Do Confidant Relationships Have an Expiration Date?
Do Confidant Relationships Ever “Expire”?
If you were paying close attention to what my mother’s husband said, he not only advised having a low number of confidants but not replacing them once you lose them as well. I remember when one of his died; he was absolutely heartbroken. And yet, I get what he meant: his secrets went to eternal rest right along with this confidant which gave him a lot of peace.
And that’s why I think that it you should do some real pondering, praying and even vetting to a certain extent before selecting an official confidant because it needs to be someone who is committed for the long haul to be your ear…because this level of involvement — being willing to hold such sacred information close? You can’t be fickle with that type of dynamic. You pretty much need to take on the stance of “once a confidant, always a confidant.” My confidant and I are just that. No matter what, a human vault for one another, we shall remain.
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You know, an author by the name of Michael Bassey Johnson once said something that is semi-terrifying and yet another great reason to have a confidant in your life: “Sometimes your dearest friend whom you reveal most of your secrets to becomes so deadly and unfriendly without knowing that they were not really your friend.” Goodness.
The very private side of you, science says that you need someone to share it with.
So, treat yourself to a confidant. A safe place to be totally yourself without expectation.
How dope is that?
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