I don't know about y'all, but I'm just about ready for this Hot Girl Summer to finally evolve into the Fat Girl Fall that I've been waiting on all damn year. I said what I said.
I'm ready to retire my bad chick bike shorts and slip my ass into some leisure leggings, and I know I'm not the only one. There are only a few more days until it's officially fall, and I've got my watch list ready, sis. Although I'm literally crying at the fact that Shonda Rhimes took away Olivia Pope, and now, we'll be forced to say goodbye to Annalise Keating forever, there are so many new Black AF TV shows premiering this fall, that I can't stay mad long.
Here's every new and returning show we're tuning into this fall:
Wu-Tang: An American Saga (Sept. 4)
Hulu
Before cash ruled everything around them, the members of the Wu-Tang Clan were just a group of kids from New York who were trying to survive the crack cocaine epidemic. Starring Shameik Moore, Erika Alexander, and Joey Bada$$, this limited series is streaming on Hulu right now.
Top Boy (Sept. 13)
Netflix
When this British show was canceled after two seasons and put on Netflix, it caught the attention of one of the biggest musicians in the world. After learning of the show's cancellation, Drake did what any billion-dollar binge-watcher would and made a deal to help fund the show's third season, which is currently streaming on Netflix.
American Horror Story: 1984 (Sept. 18)
FX
Although the show is missing Angela Bassett, Evan Peters, Jessica Lange, and Kathy Bates this season, AHS: 1984 promises to be just as disturbing as its predecessors. Heavily influenced by horror films, Friday: The 13th and Halloween, the ninth season of AHS will make you eternally grateful to your parents for never sending you to summer camp as a kid.
Bigger (Sept. 19)
BET
Produced by industry giant, Will Packer, Biggeris set in Little Five Points and tells the story of an East Atlanta woman who, after the death of a close friend from college, decides to get the most out of her life.
First Wives Club (Sept. 19)
BET
Based on the 1996 cult classic starring Diane Keaton, Goldie Hawn, and Bette Midler, First Wives Club is being rebooted and made into a series. Jill Scott, Ryan Michelle Bathe, and Michelle Buteau will star in the show as ex-wives who are seeking revenge after their marriages to sh*tty men have inevitably fallen apart.
9-1-1 (Sept. 23)
Developed by the creator of American Horror Story, 9-1-1 returns to TV for a third season on Sept. 23 and Angela Bassett's arms don't owe us anything. Chronicling the high-intensity situations that first responders experience every day, the show also stars Aisha Hinds, Connie Britton, and Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Mixed-ish (Sept. 24)
ABC
Giving us the prequel we didn't know we needed, Mixed-ish is an ABC sitcom spinoff that tells the story of a young Rainbow Barris and her family as they navigate life after moving from a hippie commune to the suburbs.
This Is Us (Sept. 24)
Last season was a rough one, and although we weren't sure if Beth and Randall would weather their storm, our favorite TV couple is back for another season that showrunners claim will be a "fresh start for everyone". Along with meeting Rebecca's dad, the audience will also get to see a preschool version of the big three that is guaranteed to make your heart melt.
Black-ish (Sept. 24)
ABC
With Pop's new fiancee (played by Emmy-award-winning actress Loretta Devine), a much-needed Girlfriends reunion, and just as much black love as ever before, Black-ish is returning to TV for a sixth season, and we are here for all of it.
How to Get Away with Murder (Sept. 26)
ABC
This fall, How to Get Away with Murder will return for a sixth and final season and my heart cannot bear the pain. Shonda Rhimes and the HTGAWM squad have given us almost a decade's worth of sex, lies, and betrayal, and this year, the Keating 5's story will come to an end with an explosive final season where all of our questions will finally be answered.
God Friended Me (Sept. 26)
CBS
I'm not sure what I'd do if God sent me a friend request, but I know the first thing I'd have to do is remove my booty short pics from the '99s to the 2000s. In a show about the importance of spiritual connection in a digital world, we see a group of friends prove that God acts in mysterious ways and makes you wonder if your blessing could be waiting in your inbox.
Evil (Sept. 26)
CBS
When a criminal psychologist and a 6-pack-having, Bible-toting priest-in-training link up to investigate the extraordinary phenomenon that has occurred in unexplained mysteries, all hell breaks loose (and I mean that literally). Developed by the creators of The Good Wife, this psychological drama stars Mike Colter and premieres on CBS for its first season on Sept. 26.
The Good Place (Sept. 26)
NBC
Back for a fourth and final season, the show about heaven, hell, and the importance of The Golden Rule is coming to an end and we'll finally learn if our favorite inhabitants of the afterlife finally make it to "The Good Place."
The Godfather of Harlem (Sept. 29)
Epix
Am I the only person who just realized Forest Whitaker and Kenn Whitaker are two different people? Mind. Blown. The Godfather of Harlem is a true story about the life of Harlem crime-boss named (played by Forest) turned hood philanthropist named Bumpy Johnson who worked closely with Malcom X in the '60s.
Raising Dion (Oct. 4)
Netflix
When Nicole Reese (played by Alisha Wainright) loses her husband (played by Michael B. Jordan) and is left to raise her young son Dion on her own, things only get more complicated when she learns that he has superpowers. The Netflix series follows Nicole and her son as they attempt to navigate his newfound abilities and understand their origin.
Black Lightning (Oct. 7)
The CW
When the daughters of a superhero-turned-high school principal are kidnapped, he reverts to his life as a vigilante and learns that his superhuman genetics run in the family. Back for a third season, the DC-comic show promises to dig deeper into the psyche of Black Lightning's arch-nemesis, Tobias.
Rhythm + Flow (Oct. 9)
Netflix
In the first-ever major hip-hop competition on Netflix, Cardi B, Chance The Rapper, and T.I. travel to some of the country's top cities to find the industry's next break-out artist.
Watchmen (Oct. 20)
In this comic book-inspired HBO series where superheroes are treated as outlaws, Regina King holds nothing back in opening up a good old-fashioned can of whoop-ass on criminals and wrongdoers alike.
Featured image by NBC.
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RELATED
And, as I oftentimes say, when you’ve been raised around dysfunction, you tend to do what’s familiar instead of what is actually right — right means what’s good for you, what’s rooted in facts and truth, what’s appropriate, what’s most favorable (beneficial) and what will keep you in solid holistic health.
For something or someone to be safe, they need to, as much as possible, be proactively intentional about keeping you from “harm, injury, danger or risk;” they need to be dependable and trustworthy; they need to (synonyms for "safe") protect you, cherish you, keep you out of danger, shield you, leave you undamaged, uninjured and unhurt. Yeah, to do safe things and be among safe people? That is more than a notion.
As far as romantic relationships, in general, go, check out “This Is How To Feel Emotionally Safe In Your Relationship” when you get a sec. Today, though, let’s talk about what safe sex is all about — because if you think that it only consists of using a condom (which, unfortunately, most folks are failing miserably at even that these days — SMDH), words cannot express how much culture and society have failed you.
Safe sex actually has billions of layers. Over the course of a few moments, I will attempt to merely scratch the surface.
Physically
GiphySo let’s address the most obvious point first: your body. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that whenever you hear the phrase “safe sex,” what immediately comes to mind is birth control, more specifically, bringing a condom into the mix. I mean, to a certain extent, that should be the case because condoms help to prevent unwanted pregnancies and STIs/STDs. And you know what? What’s sad about even this is that even though condoms continue to be one of the most reliable forms of protection,only one-third of men and one-fourth of women actually use them — and even then, not consistently so.
And y’all, you can’t tell me that this doesn’t play a role in reportedlythree million unplanned pregnancies, with half of those ending in induced terminations annually. Yes, people, unless you are in a mutually-determined, long-term committed relationship, with some other sort of birth control plan in use (unless you’re currently trying to conceive), WRAP IT UP.
However, physically safe sex also means that you need to be serious about your sexual health in general. For instance, I can’t tell you how many people have told me that they got herpes from someone who either never got tested for STIs/STDs or was asymptomatic, so they didn’t test on an annual basis. Or even beyond sexually transmitted infections/diseases, they ignored side effects from oral birth control or symptoms related to urinary tract infections (UTIs), bladder infections, or tissue ruptures from vaginal and/or anal sex, which led to all sorts of unexpected (some major, some not) health-related complications up the road.
Not to mention how many folks — even grown-ass ones — still fail to acknowledge that there is no such thing as consequence-free oral sex, in the sense that you can get STIs/STDs from those, too (I have shared before that I know a guy who got an STD from receiving head not giving it). Yeah, and don’t even get me started on how sex, when you’re on your cycle, can actuallyincrease your chances of getting some type of sexually transmitted infection or disease.
Bottom line on this one, across all lines, as far as your health is concerned, sex is a BIG DEAL. Humans can be made from the act, and no other activity between two people can say the same.
So, if you’re going to engage, you need to get tested before sleeping with a new partner; you need to stay getting tested every 6-12 months (all the while making sure that your partner(s) are doing the same); you need to use condoms at all times (don’t be out here putting it on right before your partner is going to ejaculate either; pre-ejaculate can surprise you…and not always in a good way); you need to know your body so well that you will notice almost immediately if/when something is different is transpiring with your health — and honestly, you need to try and know someone well enough beforehand so that their character indicates that they wouldn’t want to hurt or harm you on the physical tip anyway.
This brings me to the next type of safe sex that needs to be tackled…
Mentally/Emotionally
GiphyI’m willing to bet my next writing paycheck that if we were to ask every person on this planet who’s had sex with at least three people in their lifetime if they’ve ever been (or at least felt like they’ve been) mentally or emotionally manipulated into copulation, they would say “yes” without hesitation — not just women, men too because the reality is that if you’re using sex as a tool to get what you want, you are being manipulative, and since manipulation is a form of control and being controlled in a relational dynamic is potentially harmful…manipulation is definitely unsafe (check out “Are You Being Manipulated? Are You Manipulative? Here's The Breakdown.”).
So, what are some clear signs that someone is amaster manipulator when it comes to a sexual dynamic?
- They gaslight you (cause you to think that your facts and truth about sex aren’t real or are invalid);
- They downplay your feelings, concerns, needs, and/or wants about sex;
- They use guilt or ultimatums to get you to have sex (or a certain kind of sex);
- They make you feel unreasonable for the boundaries and/or principles that you have surrounding sex;
- They give you the silent treatment or cold shoulder if you don’t do what they want (both in and outside of the bedroom);
- They distort the facts about themselves, you, or sex, in general, in order to get their way;
- They start fights when they can’t get their way when it comes to sex.
And hell, that’s just for starters! And before some of y’all want to point your fingers solely at the fellas, let me show you how some of my female married clients manipulate sex: they’re suddenly “in the mood” for it if they did something wrong and they’re trying to find a way to not hold themselves accountable or apologize. As far as how some of my single female clients get down, when they want a particular item, they will offer up sex, hoping that will help them to get it (or get it quicker). Hey, just because these tactics are common, that absolutely does not make them right.
Another way that some people will be mentally/emotionally manipulative with sex is they will “falsely advertise” it. What I mean by that is — say that someone is ready to get engaged or married, and their partner is a bit hesitant because they’re wondering if things will change after jumping the broom. Someone who uses manipulation may offer up a ton of sex to convince their partner that marriage will be complete and utter bliss, only to ration it out after saying, “I do. Happens all of the time.
And here’s the thing about that — as unpopular as it may be to say or hear, not only are you unfaithful to your marriage vows if you promise fidelity and sleep around, you’re also unfaithful if you expect someone to be monogamous when you’re not treating sex as a responsibility in a marriage and aren’t engaging in it (if you’re physically able) on a consistent basis (hey, take it up with Scripture: I Corinthians 7:5).
Oh, I could go on (and on and on) about how much sex is manipulated in relationships. For now, I’ll just leave you with the fact that motive reveals a ton — and if you and/or your partner’s motive in sex is to try and control on some level, that is sho ‘nuf a mental/emotional example of unsafe sex.
Spiritually
GiphyOne of my all-time favorite Scriptures is the Message Version of I Corinthians 6:16: “There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact.” Mysteries are revelations. Indeed, there are revelations within the act of sex that are just as profound as the physical experiences that transpire within it. That’s another message for another time, though. Anyway, if you’re not a Bible, Quran, or Torah reader, then I won’t assume you know that holy Scriptures advocate for sex within marriage; those books say that sex was designed specifically for that dynamic and union. Full stop.
However, when I speak of “spiritually safe sex,” I’m (also) coming from the angle of an article that I wrote about four years ago for the platform: “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual,' Anyway?” Even if Scripture is not your basis and blueprint for how you strive to live your life, as I said in the article, spirit oftentimes speaks to one’s soul. The Hebrew word for soul is nephesh, and that is about your life: your desires, your passions, your appetite, your emotions — the things that make you, YOU.
Listen, Scripture says that sex makes two people one (Genesis 2:24-25). Thanks to oxytocin, science says something along those lines as well (becauseit bonds you to people through sex, kissing, and cuddling). Speaking of science, although TikTok ramblers may not want to talk about it, you should definitely check out TIME’s “How Previous Sexual Partners Affect Offspring” sometime (I’ll just leave that right there) — and so yes, you absolutely should factor in that sex has a way of affecting (and, if you don’t choose wisely, infecting) your spirit — your soul…YOURSELF.
So yeah, even outside of what holy books say about sex, it’s wise for all of us to factor in that our spirit is not just about what and who we desire. It’s about whether our appetite is going to throw off our emotional stability; it's about whether our passions are going to negatively impact the course of our life; it's about whether being with someone for a few moments is going to compromise ourselves in a way that is truly not beneficial for us.
And how does all of this shake out in a non-religious-yet-still-super-spiritual kind of way? One of my all-time favorite quotes immediately comes to mind:
“As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I, in a love relationship, do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.” (Leo Buscaglia)
A spiritually safe sexual relationship will never call you to sacrifice (in a codependent way because, by definition, sometimes sacrifices are both necessary and good) your core being or who you are becoming. It will actually do the opposite by helping you to become a better person when it comes to how you handle your emotions, how you regulate your desires and appetites, and how you ultimately choose to live out your life.
Real talk, A LOT of people are in sexually unsafe relationships as far as their spiritual life goes. A part of the reason is because they don’t take the time to ponder, process, and really learn what their spirit is, what it needs, and the signs that a person, place, thing, or idea is ultimately detrimental to/for it. I hope all of what I just said sheds some light when it comes to that…for you.
Personally
GiphyThe word “personal” basically means oneself, which is yourself. Whenever the saying “come to oneself” is said, it pretty much means that someone has come to their senses, and coming to one’s senses is all about thinking rationally and reasonably; it’s about acting from a place of consciousness. It’s about not doing things that are wrong or foolish. Yeah, the word “personal” is a pretty loaded one.
As I close this out, let’s go back to “consciousness” for just a sec. To be conscious is to be self-aware. Some popular traits ofa self-aware individual:
- Being able to manage your emotions
- Actually listening to your conscience
- You don’t talk yourself out of facts and truths (meaning reality)
- You don’t do what you know will cause you or others pain
- You’re kind and empathetic
- You’re not controlling
- You don’t excuse or justify poor choices
- You break habits that no longer serve you
- You are constantly on the path of self-improvement
- You are open to trying new things — even at the cost of releasing the old
Chile, do you see how if you’re involved with someone sexually and these things HONESTLY aren’t happening to and for you, you are in a sexually unsafe situation? No matter how good someone makes you feel, they are ultimately to your detriment (if not immediately, eventually) if they are costing you your self-awareness on all fronts. It’s not worth it…HEAR ME WHEN I YELL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS THAT YOU NEED TO LET IT…GO. Nothing that costs you self-awareness is safe. NOTHING.
___
Yeah, safe sex definitely has prophylactics involved yet, as you can see, it is about so much more than that. Y’all life is precious, and as the Chinese proverb goes, “It’s later than you think.” Love yourself enough to move in ways that are safe — this includes in the bedroom. Because if the sex ain’t safe, across the board, at the end of the day…it’s really not worth it.
Please don’t learn (or keep learning) this the hard way. Okay?
Y’all stay safe out here. LITERALLY.
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images