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10 Hacks To Give You More Quality Time. With Yourself.
Oftentimes, when I’m having conversations with clients and the topic of love languages comes up, something that I typically stress is it’s hard for you to expect your spouse to fluently speak your love language to you when you don’t even do that for yourself. For instance, my top love language is words of affirmation. What do I look like, out here expecting those around me to verbally affirm me, if I’m being self-deprecating in the process? It’s kind of another message for another time but far too many people are expecting their partner to basically break their necks to speak their love language and it’s basically because they want them to overcompensate for where they lack in being loving to themselves. Ouch and amen.
When it comes to quality time, specifically, let’s change that today. Whether your top love language happens to be quality time (giving someone undivided attention for a period of time) or you just know that you don’t prioritize “you time” nearly enough, here are 10 hacks that can help you to love on yourself, in this manner, just a little bit more. Because you absolutely deserve it. Simple as that.
1. Meditate for 15 Minutes Every Morning
Whenever I hear “super churchy” folks refer to meditating as something that is New Age, I’m instantly like, “So, y’all must not read the Bible as much as you profess to.” One reason why I say that is because King David was quite a fan of meditation. For instance, Psalm 4:4(NKJV) says, “Be angry and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah.” I get why too because meditating is good for everything from reducing stress and controlling anxiety to promoting self-awareness and inspiring empathy and kindness to others.
That’s why, no matter how packed your days might be, it’s definitely important to begin your day with at least 15 minutes of meditation. It’s one of the absolute most effective ways to spend some much-needed quality time with yourself. (If you need a little help getting into the swing of things, check out “7 Meditation Hacks (For People Who Can't Seem To Do It)”.)
2. Resist the Urge to “Edit” Your Daily To-Do List
“Overwhelmed” is a word that I hear more and more people use to describe how they feel on a consistent basis. Personally, I think that one of the main things that cause this to happen is the fact that we constantly find ourselves feeling discouraged, due to a lack of feeling as if we’ve accomplished anything, and it’s because we keep adding things to our to-do list if we have a list at all. So, with that being said, if you’re not a big list person, start becoming one and try and put no more than 5-7 things on your list on a daily basis. When those items are checked off, pat yourself on the back and LEAVE THE DAY BE (yes, I am yelling that!), so that you can have a little bit of time for yourself.
Listen, life is a trip and it’s always going to come with more stuff for you to do. A part of what it means to set boundaries is to say “no” — not just to people but oftentimes to plans as well. There are always going to be 24 hours in a day. Refuse to cram so much in that you can’t set aside at least one of those hours for yourself.
3. Take 10-Minute Breaks for Every 50 Minutes of Work
If you actually try it, this is a great work hack that can give you roughly 80 minutes of “you time” every eight-hour workday. Although you may work the kind of gig where you get two 15-minute breaks and an hour lunch break, that doesn’t mean that you can’t fit in some 10-minute breaks every hour too. Taking 10 minutes to listen to a couple of your favorite songs (or some ASMR of ocean waves or rain), journaling a few thoughts, or just inhaling and exhaling a bit can revive you, much like a cat nap can.
Now, based on the kind of boss that you have, you might need to be super discreet when it comes to this particular point; still, if you are, you definitely should be able to pull it off. Try it and then circle back to let us all know how it went in the comments, OK? I think you might be pleasantly surprised.
4. Actually Take Your Lunch Break
Speaking of lunch breaks, the law requires that your job give you one, so you should require, to yourself, that you take it. I don’t mean eating an energy bar while you’re still sitting at your desk to “finish something up real quick” either. Also, if you work at home, and it’s very easy to go 10-12 hours without stepping away from your computer, you REALLY need to take heed to what I am saying.
Aside from the fact that taking your lunch is yet another way to spend a little bit of quality time with yourself (especially if you go to a location where you can be alone; if you work from home, at least go into your kitchen, bedroom or on your porch for a change of scenery), experts say that eating a full lunch can give your body an energy boost, help your brain to become more productive, reduce irritability, decrease stress levels and help you to get through your day so much easier. A lot of y’all don’t take your lunch and you can feel it. Make doing it super essential and watch how much better your life becomes.
5. Refuse to Take Calls on Your Drive Home (and Go the Long Way Home)
My goddaughter’s mom hosts an Apple radio show. Aside from writing, a lot of you already know that I counsel married couples. Sometimes, we are TALKED OUT, yet we’ll still try to get a convo in while running errands in order to get some “girl time” in. I’m pretty sure that a lot of you also take this approach with some of your own peeps, but if you already know that once you get home, time is not going to be yours again, try and avoid hopping on the phone during your commute home. Use that time instead to listen to a podcast or audiobook or — here’s a novel idea — ride in silence (trust me, silence can be good). Oh, and if you want to get a little more time in, use your GPS system to look at what a longer route home would be. Sometimes, even just 10 more minutes alone in your car can make all the difference in the world, chile.
6. Write Down Five Things You Love About Yourself at the End of Every Week
Here’s a twist on the quality time approach. Unfortunately (and I really do mean that), 8 times out of 10, whenever I ask someone to share five things that they like about themselves and five things that they don’t, they can always rattle the “cons” right off while the “pros” seem to be a struggle. Listen, a part of the benefit of spending some quality time with yourself is that you can remind yourself of your own value. One way to do that is to not let one single week pass you by without jotting down five things that happened, within that same week, that you are proud of.
It could be getting to work on time every day, not snapping on your co-worker, or saving money on takeout by cooking — whatever. This is a wise quality time practice because the more you get into the habit of clapping for yourself, the easier it will be to cultivate self-confidence and inner stability. Try it this week. See what I mean.
7. Make Bath Time a Total Experience
I don’t expect most of y’all to remember the old-school Calgon commercials. The gist is that, after a long hard day, a woman would “lose herself” in a bubble bath that was filled with Calgon products. You know, something else that I am is a doula and if there’s one thing that many moms tell me that they miss about pre-kids (and shoot, sometimes even pre-marriage) life is being able to use the bathroom in complete and total peace. No matter what your lifestyle may consist of, please don’t get caught into the habit — which is more like a rut — of only seeing showering (check out “How To Turn Your Showers Into A Tranquil DIY Spa”) and bathing (check out “How About You Treat Yourself To A Luxurious Fall-Themed Bath?” and “Make 'National Bathtub Party Day' Your Favorite Day Of The Year”) from a purely functional standpoint. Creating an oasis, each and every time you’re in there, can help to relax you, rejuvenate you and center you. It’s not a luxury; it’s an absolute necessity.
8. Go to Bed 30-45 Minutes Earlier
Before you try and give me a million reasons why this sounds close to impossible, hear me out. Some research reveals that most people spend roughly around 145 minutes on some type of social media app a day. So, is it that you can’t get into bed earlier, or is it just that you need to manage your time more wisely? And what should you get into bed earlier for? To decompress. To read a chapter of a book. To rub your feet down with some lavender or CBD oil. To sip on a cup of tea. Shoot — to just CHILL.
When people are in a long-term relationship and share a home together, I recommend doing this, so that they can get some pillow talk (and maybe some sex) in. When you’re single, it’s so you can relax and just be. Listen, if you can figure out how to spend an hour scrolling on Instagram, you can find 30 minutes to start at the ceiling and deep breathe at night. I promise you that.
9. Use Your Personal Days
The reason why I put this down towards the bottom of this article is, I can’t tell you how many times folks have told me that they can’t remember the last time they’ve taken a vacation, let alone had a day off. Yeah, this is what personal days can be used for. Although you might be “programmed” into thinking that they are for doctor’s visits or family emergencies, the keyword to pay attention to is “personal” — meaning, it’s NOBODY’S BUSINESS (yep, I’m yelling that too) what you are using them for.
Waiting until holidays or summertime until you can take some time off is pretty stressful to even think about. So is always using personal days to do business-related stuff. It really is OK to use one of your days to just lie around and do absolutely nothing. You don’t need an excuse to spend time alone with yourself so…don’t make any.
10. Date Yourself
I mean, maybe it’s the ambivert in me but whenever folks look at me crazy when I say that I actually prefer to eat and go to movies alone (most times), I tend to return the same facial expression because — how in the world can you not dig taking yourself out on dates? Like, what in the world? Especially if you are a single person, if there are two things you shouldn’t put off, it’s taking yourself to places you want to go and dating yourself the way you want to be dated. Even though going with a boo can be dope, there is still compromise that is involved. Going out alone means that you can do whatever, whenever, however without anyone’s cosign.
And when you “set the bar” by spending time with yourself in this kind of way, you start to get — and I mean REALLY get — how much of a privilege it is to let others join in with you. It’s the best kind of quality time. Feel me? Go on a couple of dates alone and, in no time, I bet that you will.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
These Newlyweds Found Love Thanks To A Friend Playing Matchmaker
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
Jason and Elise Robinson’s union is a reminder that kind people still get their happily ever after. The pair had their first date in October of 2021 and tied the knot on June 15, 2024. Both of them have dedicated their lives to celebrating and supporting Black culture so it was only fitting they get married in what's considered the Black Hollywood of America during the Juneteenth celebration weekend. From the florists to Elise and Jason's gown and suit designers to the table signage and so much more, everything was Black-owned. It's no wonder their love for Black culture was the jumping-off point for their love story.
When they met, Jason had just moved to Atlanta for a new job opportunity, and Elise was living happily in her career and had put dating on the backburner. But luckily, a mutual connection saw something in both of them and thanks to a yoga-themed baby shower and a chance text message, they found their forever. Check out their beautiful How We Met story below.
I’ll start with the easiest question. Can you both tell me a little bit about yourself and your background?
Elise: Sure, my name is Elise. I’m actually from Atlanta, GA – not a transplant. I grew up here and left right after college to pursue my career. Now I’ve been back going on eight years, and I’m in my early 40s.
Jason: And I’m Jason. I’m originally from Racine, Wisconsin. I went to school at Florida A&M University, so I am a rattler. I went back to the Midwest for a period of time, in Indianapolis. Now, I’ve been in the Atlanta area for a little over two and a half years.
Jason and Elise Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Wow, that’s nice because Atlanta gets a bad rap when it comes to relationships. So you have to give us the deets. How did you two find each other?
Elise: So I work in TV and I was on-air for a number of years and then transitioned into being a producer and then a manager. As a producer, I’d always have guests on. And there was a woman who came on frequently named Rosalynn (@Rosalynndaniels, often referred to as The Black Martha Stewart), and we connected instantly. Anyway, she got pregnant right before COVID and invited me to a “modern-day yoga baby shower.” I came to support, but was also just curious about that theme.
I had an amazing time. And when it was over a few of us stuck around and convos got personal. She ended up asking me the infamous ‘Are you dating’ question. When I told her no, she decided to set me up. So I should tell you, in both of my only two serious relationships, I was set up – so I was like no.
But she pointed at her husband, who was folding up chairs, and said that another friend set her up with him. Sometimes, it takes people outside of us to see what we need. A few months later, she reached out and said she had family relocating and thought I’d really like him. So she gave him my number, and I reached out with a text. He responded with a call, and that night, we talked for about 2-3 hours. So that’s how we met. I was a little nervous because me and Rosalynn were starting a friendship, and here I was, talking to her family!
Jason: It was new for me too. Remember, I was new to the area, and I had heard so many “stories” about how people have been done wrong in the dating world. Whether it’s by theft or scamming (laughs). Plus, I had just got a new job and wanted to focus on that. But I did want to be able to date someone in a more personal way and see where it led. I felt like who better than someone who I trust to connect me. Rosalynn knows I’m private, about business life, and my personal life is important to me.
So let’s get into your courtship. What was your first date like?
Elise: We had our first convo on a Monday, and he asked me out the next day. I didn’t have any plans, but I still said no. I was just playing hard to get (laughs). But we were talking every day, and he told me he wanted to take me somewhere I’ve never been. And I’m like, you’re in my city! But he sends me three options, and sure enough, two of the places I hadn’t gone to. So, our first date was October 1, 2021, and somebody was 45 minutes late.
Now Jason, why were you 45 minutes late?
Elise: It was me – in my own city. I just got turned around, and the traffic was horrible. I kept calling him and giving him permission to leave. Full transparency: I probably wouldn’t have waited if the shoe was on the other foot. But this was my first sign of what I now know and love the most about him. It’s his patience. When I got there, I was frazzled and everything, but he was just super calm. It ended up being a great first date.
Jason: I remember just waiting and being concerned for her well-being. Because I know how traffic can be, especially when someone is rushing. I was just scrolling through my phone and looking through the menu. It was cool.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Courtesy
That’s beautiful. Now let’s talk about the “what are we” convo? Did you have one of those and if so, who initiated it and how was it?
Elise: I initiated it. Jason was dating me – and still does. But by this time, we had been on a number of dates. We were on our way to a winery, and we had a bit of a drive. So I decided to state my intention. We were just a few weeks in, but we were spending a lot of time together and we are people of a particular age. So I told him, I know Atlanta can be a Black man’s playground. There’s so many beautiful professional women here. But I’m dating with intention. I don’t want to kick it or hang with a good guy even though he’s not my person. I was done with all of that. So I’m “laying down the law” in my eyes, and he didn’t flinch. He let me finish and basically let me know we were on the same page. He was not trying to sow his royal oats.
Jason: Yeah, I was not trying to be Prince Akeem. But also, it was more so about setting a tone and goal for myself. My mama always told me to set my goals. And having a family was always one of mine. I think the biggest thing of it all, was I felt blessed – in terms of moving for work and meeting Elise, now being married. There’s victories being placed in my life.
I love that you both shared that because sometimes I get feedback on these stories and it seems like sometimes we’re afraid to really voice what we desire, no matter what that looks like.
Elise: Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
Jason: I think her sharing those values resonated with me, and hearing her “lay down the law” was fine because I was there, too. I would say to millennial women, don’t be afraid to tell a mate what you want. You never know what that would lead to. Time is a precious commodity. Elise saying that early on showed me that she values both of our time. It showed her heart, character, and integrity, and I was drawn to that and the mature conversation. In the social media world, we don’t have those pointed conversations face-to-face. I would challenge readers to have those conversations in person, and you would get more from that convo than any post or reel. Because you see body language reactions and have deeper communication.
Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
You both have mentioned time, family, and integrity. I’m curious what other core values do you both share?
Elise: Early on, our faith. Not just do you believe in God. It had to be deeper in that. I needed someone who would lead me, our home, and our family. I didn’t want to be in a push-and-pull relationship about prayer, church, or have conversations about being better people. Also, we discussed finances. That doesn’t just mean going to work. We chatted about ownership and what it looks like for us. How do we support each other individually and together? I know I like having my hands in a few different pots, and I needed someone who was supportive of that and likewise.
Jason: My background is that I was raised in the church. My father is a deacon and my mom is a deaconess. They've been married for 55 years. Faith was very important to me and it was crucial that my wife have that relationship as well.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Can we talk about challenges? Big or small, what are some things you had to grow through together?
Elise: I have never lived with anyone – not a roommate, a sister, friend, boyfriend or anything. Now, I’m in my 40s and I'm living with someone. When you’ve been by yourself for so long that was a challenge for both of us. We weren’t pulling each other's hair out but I’m a bit extreme. Things are color-coded in my closet. For me, working in news is chaotic so I want my home to be peaceful and organized.
Jason: I’m a man, and she’s a woman. That dynamic alone adds a flair to it. She wants things a certain way. She’s a Capricorn. But just in terms of how she wants to keep a home was a big adjustment for me. It took time.
On a smaller level, what are some of the things you disagree about day-to-day?
Elise: Cleanliness and systems. Like, he recycles and I do not. But sometimes I just have to decide if it really needs to be a thing or if I can just take care of it.
Jason: This is where my organization takes over (laughs).
What are your love languages? Do you know?
Elise: Jason’s is an act of service which works because I love cooking for him. It doesn’t feel like a chore to me. I love when I’m out, picking up his favorite juice. The other day I saw he needed t-shirts while folding clothes. So I just like doing small things for him that he doesn’t expect. He’s very much that guy that will ask to help so it doesn’t bother me.
Jason: I’d say Elise is all of them, but physical touch would probably be the biggest one. I had to get used to that. She’s taught me it in a number of ways. I remember we actually talked about love languages, and I sent her this song called “More Than Words” by Extreme. That explained to her how I felt.
Finally, can we end with the proposal? Tell us everything!
Jason: It was at a restaurant. And again, I was trying to find somewhere she hadn’t been. Also, I didn’t want to do it on our anniversary because that would have been too obvious. I contacted one of the restaurant’s staff and decided to change up the dessert menu. Each item was something special to us.
Elise: We go on so many date nights, so I just thought it was a regular night. We had finished eating, and I had to go to the bathroom. They had a nice mirror, girl. So I’m in there taking videos and stuff.
Jason: While she’s in the restroom, I’m getting everything in place with the waitress.
Elise: So as I’m reading the menu, I realize it’s telling our story and he eventually proposed. It was so special; I actually had the menu framed! It was so beautiful and thoughtful.
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This Is How To Make Essential Oils Your Ultimate Nail Health Hack
Something that I will forever back until the end of time is essential oils. One reason is that they are all-natural (essential oils are basicallyplant extracts). Another reason is that the (proven) holistic health benefits that come with using them (consistently) aredamn near endless. And lawd, don’t even get me started on how wonderful many of them smell — and how they tend to last longer than a lot of the perfumes and colognes that are out there. Definitely, for as long as essential oils are in existence, I’ll be singing their praises.
Today, the lane that I’m gonna be in is how you can apply certain essential oils to your nail care regimen. Since it should be the goal of all of us to be intentional about doing what we can to havestrong and healthy nails, I’m going to share with you 10 oils that are proven to help you reach that very goal (just make sure that youmix them with a carrier oil like apricot, grapeseed or jojoba first; essential oils are way more potent than they are oftentimes given credit for).
The Best Essential Oils for Nail Health
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1. Tea Tree Oil
Believe it or not,nail fungus is pretty common.Some studies say that 1 in 10 people will experience it; that number jumps to 1 in 2 for individuals over 70. When it comes to this, signs to look out for are nails that look white, yellow, or brown, nails that seem to rise up from your nail bed, nails that are cloudy-looking in areas, and/or nails that easily break or split in more than one spot. Depending on how serious the fungal growth is, your doctor may prescribe an oral medication, a prescription-strength topical one, or even try a laser treatment of some sort.
However, if what you’re going through is minor, you might only needsome tea tree oil to get everything under control. Since it’s the type of essential oil that contains potent antifungal and antiseptic properties, applying it to nail fungus can significantly reduce fungal growth in a relatively short period of time without over-drying your nails in the process.
2. Myrrh Oil
Since myrrh oil contains so many powerful antioxidants and is able tokill harmful bacteria quickly, that already makes it a great essential oil for nail care. Also, since it contains properties that help to keep your skin healthy, it’s also a wonderful cuticle oil (especially if you mix it with a carrier oil like sweet almond oil, plum oil, or sesame oil). Another thing to keep in mind is if you’ve recently injured your nail(s) in some way, myrrh oil contains properties that help to reduce swelling at a pretty accelerated pace.
3. Juniper Berry Oil
An essential oil that has a good reputation for both healing as well as protecting your skin is juniper berry oil. In fact, if you’ve got a bit of foot odor going on or you’ve noticed some nail fungus creeping up, if you apply the oil to your feet (or nails) while you’re in the shower, it can help to eliminate the smells and speed up the healing process.
Another bonus about this particular oil is it has astringent properties that can help to keep your nails nice and clean.
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4. Lavender Oil
Another oil that’s ideal forfighting nail fungus is lavender oil. In fact, in Healthline’s article, “Can You Use Essential Oil for Toenail Fungus?” lavender is on the list. That’s not all. If you happen to havenail eczema,the properties of lavender oil have the ability to soothe and heal the symptoms that come along with it, including nail softness and shedding. It’s also a good idea to keep in mind that if you want to addmoisture to your nails or cuticles, lavender oil is one that can hydrate your nails without a ton of residue.
5. Clove Oil
Since clove oil is considered to be an antimicrobial oil, it’s another one that is able to kill bacteria. Something else that’s cool about this oil is it can bring quick relief to pain and discomfort if you’ve broken a nail or you’ve got a hangnail that’s getting on your last nerve.Two other big wins about clove oil are it can help to even out any skin discoloration that you may have around your cuticles and it can help to keep your nails and hands looking youthful too (because, yes,nails do age).
6. Sage Oil
Sage oil also has some pretty impressive antibacterial properties in it. It also has the ability to condition your skin as well as your nails. This means that if you happen to struggle with brittle nails or nails that seem to peel, applying this oil to it can help to naturally reverse those issues. Also, if your nails seem to look a bit on the dull side, sage nails can give them a natural sheen if polish isn’t (really) your thing.
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7. Geranium Oil
An essential oil that’s great at fighting off all types of infections isgeranium oil. What I especially like about it,as far as nail care is concerned, is that it’s got a solid reputation for moisturizing your nails so that they’re able to grow stronger and longer. Since it’s an oil thatcontains anti-aging properties, geranium oil can help to keep your hands (and feet) younger-looking for a longer period of time as well.
8. Lemon Oil
Hangnails are the absolute worst. Typically, those annoying things come as the result of having dry cuticles or constantly picking (or biting) the skin around your nails. If you make a cuticle oil out oflemon oil, not only can that help to nourish your cuticles and nails, but it can also repair any tissue damage that you may have as well as deeply cleanse your nails too. This, as a direct result, can help your nails to become stronger over time (plus, it doesn’t exactly taste the best, so it can help to keep your mouth off of your nails…which is a good thing).
9. Eucalyptus Oil
One of the most potent ways to treat a nail fungal infection is toapply some eucalyptus oil to it. In fact, one of the best things about taking this particular all-natural approach to a nail infection is it can kill the fungi without totally drying out your nails in the process. Also, if you’re looking for an oil that will protect your all-natural nails frompotential environmental damage, eucalyptus oil totally has your back as far as that is concerned.
10. Vanilla Oil
Now,I’m definitely preaching to the choir when I say that you should take a break from nail polish every once in a while. Just like your skin needs a mini-vacation from cosmetics and your hair needs one from the product (build-up), your nails need time to breathe on occasion, too; otherwise, the chemicals in the polish can lead to breakage, peeling, and weak nails overall. And while you’re on the break, try applying some vanilla oil to your nails and your nail beds.The antioxidants in the oil can help to speed up the healing process of your nails as well as reduce inflammation (if you’ve got any of that going on). It can also help to nourish your nails as they prepare for another few months of nail color.
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I’m telling you, although there are all kinds of nail products on the market, if you get your hands on a few staple essential oils, you can feel confident that you’re giving your nails some chemical-free, holistically beneficial oils that will get your nails right in so many ways. I’m looking at my nails as I’m typing all of this out, and I can certainly attest to it. Try it — ain’t no way that you (and your nails) won’t like it!
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