There is definitely a particular client who inspired this piece. I’ve been working with her for a while now, and so I’m used to her basically complaining about how she isn’t experiencing the kind of sex that she longs for. Thing is, I pretty much always ask her some variation of the same question: “How can a man give you what you want if you don’t know exactly what that is?” to which she pretty much always sighs and then deflects.
Y’all, soap operas, rom-coms, romance novels, social media, and porn have done an excellent (or horrific, depending on how you look at it) job of causing people to think that a great lover should be a mind reader or that they should be willing to do more work to please their partner than their partner is willing to do to learn what actually does please themselves. And to that, I say, goodness, how do you expect a man to “know your body” when you barely even do? And no, I’m not talking about masturbation. There are many other ways to bond with yourself than that.
Today, I’m going to share eight ways to do it. Because, if you want to sexually connect with your partner in a truly pleasurable and fulfilling way, it’s always a good idea to become a student of your own self first — so that you can be the best kind of teacher (if you know what I mean).
1. Meditate
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There are literally countless reasons why you should implement meditating into your self-care routine. When it comes to sex, specifically, because it helps to reduce stress, relieve anxiety, keep you in the moment, and make you more self-aware — this is why meditation tops the list for today, especially since deep and controlled breathing is a big part of what meditating is all about.
And since taking more oxygen into your system helps to make climaxing easier, increase blood circulation (which can intensify orgasms), and relax your pelvic floor muscles (so that sex is ultimately more pleasurable) —yeah, if you want to have better sex, you’ve got to consider meditating more often.
2. Figure Out Your Favorite Erogenous Zone. Then Find a New One.
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I’m pretty sure you know what an erogenous zone is; however, just to be sure, it’s the parts of your body that are the most easily aroused as far as sexual stimulation goes. Although it’s assumed that places like our breasts and genitalia are the peak ones, the reason why I once wrote “So, What If 'Typical Erogenous Zones' Annoy TF Outta You?” for the site is because it can’t be assumed that “predictable spots” will work for everyone. In fact, some health experts believe that there are at least 30 different potential erogenous zones on our bodies, including our scalp, ears, palms, the lower part of our back, the back of our knees, and others.
That said, next time you are in the bathtub, use your fingertips to gently touch various parts of your body. Pay close attention to which ones feel the most pleasurable or even potentially turn you on; then take note so that you can share it with your partner the next time the two of you are together. Because listen, even when it comes to masturbation, if all you focus on is “her,” you are seriously limiting how truly gratifying sex can be by now…branching out to other parts of your body.
3. Dance. Naked.
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Even if you don’t like to dance in public, do you at least dance alone sometimes? If not, you definitely should because not only is dancing good for your heart and bones, but it’s also a fun way to burn a few calories, plus it can do wonders for your sex life. Why do I say that? It’s because dancing has also been proven to decrease stress (remember, the less stressed you are, the easier it will be for you to get aroused), build up your core (so that you can increase your stamina), make you more flexible and help you to feel more connected whenever you are around other people.
And if you dance naked, that can help to increase your sexual self-confidence (check out “10 Sensuous Ways To Boost Your Sexual Self-Esteem”) because the more comfortable you are with your body, the more comfortable you will be to share it with your partner.
4. Massage Yourself. Also Naked.
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Speaking of getting more comfortable with your body, when was the last time you indulged in a sensual self-massage? No, I’m not using that as another term for masturbation; I mean a literal body massage that you give yourself.
If you never have before, the next time you get out of the shower or bath, wrap yourself up in a towel, warm up a carrier oil (check out “So, Here Are The Carrier Oils That Will Take Your Sex Life To A Whole 'Nother Level”) with an aphrodisiac essential oil (check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm”) and then use your fingers or a set of massaging tools to massage your body, starting with your scalp and going all the way down to your feet.
Not only will this help to relax you, improve blood circulation, and bring more flexibility to your joints, self-massages are an effective way to give parts of your body that may not get a lot of TLC, the type of attention that they deserve — so that you can guide your own partner’s hands, lips, etc. to those very same spots…later on.
5. Make Sexy Sounds to Discover (More of) Your Sensuality
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If you’ve heard somewhere that most people hate to hear the sound of their own voice, there is actually some truth to that (by the way, if you turn your palms backward, push them behind your ears to move your ears forward and then say something, that is how others hear you on the phone, etc.). The science behind it is your voice travels through the air, which is known as air conduction. However, the way you hear the results vs. how others do can be very different — annoying even because it tends to translate as thinner and higher to your system.
This is a part of the reason why some people can be self-conscious about the sounds that they make during sex. Here’s the thing, though: Did you know that sounds like moaning can actually help to enhance your sexual experience, and panting can convey desire for your partner (check out “Ever Wonder What The Sounds You Make During Sex Mean?”)? There’s nothing wrong with making sex-related sounds by yourself so that you can get more comfortable with the sound of your own voice.
Let me tell it, a part of the reason why it may be awkward during sex is your “sex sounds” are unfamiliar to even you…because you’re not used to making (and hearing) them (enough).
6. Get into Some Naval Play
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Belly buttons are sexy — hell, at least, to me, they are. That’s why, when I did some reading up on navel play, it made all of the sense in the world that it should be added to this article. For starters, there are a lot of nerve endings around that part of your body; so much, in fact, that some women even say that their clitoris is stimulated whenever their belly button/navel is touched, sometimes to the point where they are even able to have an orgasm.
So, even if it’s common for you to have your stomach touched or even kissed during foreplay with your partner, spend some time, alone, playing with your belly button too. Use fingers, feathers, ice, hot wax, sex toys — anything that feels pleasurable in that area to see what feels the most amazing to/for you. You never know — the orgasm that you’ve been waiting for all of this time may just be where your belly piercing is (because yes, there is such a thing as a belly button orgasm). Straight up.
7. Experiment with Tastes and Textures
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What do you feel sexier in: silk, satin, or lace? What’s your favorite “sex condiment”: honey, fudge, or whipped cream? When a silicone sex toy touches you, how does it make you feel? When it comes to foods that are considered to be aphrodisiacs, do you prefer red wine or coconut water? Have you ever slept alone on a bed that is filled with rose petals? If so, did it turn you on? What’s your favorite sex cocktail or mocktail? Have you ever even tried one before (check out “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too”)?
Before you decide to really get to know someone sexually, it’s important that you know yourself, so set up a solo sex date where you experiment with some of the things that I just mentioned. In the article, “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever,” I address different things to try as far as taste and touch because what might turn someone else on could be entirely different for you. The more you know about what arouses your senses, the better you’ll be at creating an atmosphere that is truly satisfying.
8. Put Yourself into Some Sex Positions (Alone)
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If you’ve ever wondered how many sex positions there are in the world, according to some Kama Sutra writers, there are well over 200. And even if you don’t believe that to be true, there are plenty of articles out in cyberspace (like these here, here, and here) that profess more than 50 exist. You know, I once checked out a sex survey that said that somewhere around 30 percent of people prefer the missionary position while another 30 percent prefer to go the cowgirl (you know, the woman on top) route and that couples tend to do that same position 60 percent of the time that they had sex.
Listen, although there is something to be said for, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” if you are bored in the bedroom, always applying that sex mantra could be why.
So, as I close this out, click on the link to one of those articles and practice getting into some of the sex positions that you’ve never tried before (also naked and, yes, alone). It’s another way to increase your flexibility and make you feel more at ease in your own skin — plus, it can make you confident enough to suggest something new next time. Something that you don’t have to stumble and fumble around doing because you’ve already practiced it. Your partner will be no less than impressed. #wink
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
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Apparently, there was a Thanksgiving episode that featured all of the friends having dinner together. And y’all, there was simply no way that I was going to mention the latter without shouting out the original (amen?).
Okay, so with that out of the way — Friendsgiving. Something that I appreciate about twists to holidays like this is that it’s a reminder that there is no one way to celebrate special occasions. And so, if, for whatever the reason, you will not or cannot be with family during the holiday season, there are certainly other alternatives at your disposal.
That being said, if the thought of spending time with friends this Thanksgiving is something that you’d like to do, yet you’re not sure how to host it in a way that will make Friendsgiving a fan favorite for your entire circle — I’ve got 10 suggestions that can make the planning process easy as pumpkin (or sweet potato) pie.
1. Position Chrysanthemums or Orchids for Your Table Décor
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Let’s start with décor first. Listen, aside from cleaning up your place, you don’t have to be over the top. If you put together a really nice centerpiece or put a flower at each table setting, honestly, you’re all good. And if you’re someone who is big on details and symbolism, my recommendation would be to go with some chrysanthemums and/or orchids.
When it comes to chrysanthemums, not only are they a peak fall flower, they represent things like friendship and happiness. And orchids? They tend to bloom during the fall and spring seasons and, not only are they about luxury, certain orchid colors also symbolize friendship (for the record, yellow roses symbolize friendship too). Perfect.
2. Incorporate Scents That Cultivate Gratitude
Speaking of cultivating a warm and inviting space, you can never go wrong with scented soy candles — or at least having an essential oil diffuser in a few spots. Some scents that actually help to bring in the spirit of gratitude include vanilla, jasmine, ginger, cedarwood and frankincense.
3. Use Upscale Paper Products to Dine With
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Let’s be real — a lot more of us would probably host events in our home if it wasn’t for the mess that is left behind in our kitchen once the festivities are over. Wanna avoid that? Use paper plates. No, I don’t mean the cheap Styrofoam ones. SMDH. These days, there are paper (and plastic) plate brands that will low-key blow your mind when it comes to how bougie they look. Some that are worth considering are located here, here and here.
4. Handwrite Thank-You Notes (Use Them As Place Settings)
If you’re like Tiffany (from the HBO series Insecure — what a time) was at that memorable dinner party when all hell broke loose between Lawrence and Issa and you’re pretty anal — I mean, particular — LOL — about place settings, it’s a nice touch to pick up some blank thank-you cards that you can write a personalized “I’m thankful for you because…” message in. Place each one where you’d like each friend to sit. They won’t see it coming and it’s a really nice touch.
5. Have Everyone Bring Their Favorite Homemade Dish
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Okay, and what if what has you on the fence about hosting is you don’t feel like doing a ton of cooking? Chile, this is where the concept of having a potluck comes in. Get everyone to bring the dish that they claim they cook the best and make sure to let them know how many individuals you plan on coming (so that they will make enough). You can even make a game out of it by having everyone anonymously vote for the first, second and third best dishes out of the bunch. Take it up a notch by having a prize for each winner.
6. Take a Warm Drink and Dessert Poll Beforehand
You know what isn’t discussed enough about dinner parties? Folks bringing desserts that other people don’t even like. SMDH. You can avoid this from becoming an issue at your Friendsgiving by sending an email (most people prefer that to group chats; let’s be real — and make sure to BCC everyone as well) asking everyone to share what their top three favorite desserts and warm drinks are. Then pick the top 2-3 out of the bunch. That way, you won’t have a ton of (for instance) coffee cake or apple cider lying around that no one even wanted in the first place.
7. Create a Signature Friendsgiving Mocktail and Cocktail
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Speaking of drinks, another way to make your Friendsgiving memorable is to come up with a signature mocktail (for those who don’t consume alcohol) and cocktail. For the mocktail, you can also poll your friends about their favorite mocktail or fruits and come up with a mixture of your own. For the cocktail — although National Friendship Day is actually in August, I did peep that there are certain drinks that have been created in its honor. Some of them are located here for you to do a bit of tweaking on (if you’d like).
8. Ask Everyone to Share Their “Favorite Friend Quality” of Another
You know how it’s customary for everyone to go around and share what they are truly thankful for before having dinner? Well, to continue along with the Friendsgiving theme, have each person share what their favorite friend quality is about the person to their right. If folks are just meeting each other for the first time, instead they can share what they value the most in friendship overall, along with a story of how it was displayed to them personally over the past 12 months.
9. Send Each of Your Guests Home with a Fresh Gratitude Journal
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Wanna send folks home with a nice parting gift? It would be so on-trend to give each of them a gratitude journal. Listen, we are in some crazy times right through here (at least in the States) and so, encouraging your friends to set some time aside, regularly, to think about and then outwardly express what they are grateful for? That helps to keep stress down, keep things in perspective and it reminds us all to maintain a positive mindset as much as possible.
10. Watch a Nostalgic Movie
While everyone is enjoying dessert and drinks, how about watching a movie that brings back fond memories? A list of some of the most popular movies to come out previous Thanksgiving weekends is located here and a list of some favorite Black holiday-themed films can be found here. It’s a way to wind down and share some laughs before everyone heads home.
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Friendsgiving. What a wonderful way to celebrate your friends while also observing Thanksgiving in a way that is totally on your terms. And now that you know how to put it together, what are you waiting for? Hit your friends up and let them know that, whether it’s on actual Thanksgiving Day or a few days before or after, you’ve got a special dinner in mind.
One that has a good time with amazing friends written ALL over it.
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