Although I wouldn’t exactly say that Mark Zuckerberg is one of my favorite people on the planet (at all), The Social Network — the movie that was made about him (and Facebook) back in 2010 — absolutely is. I like the writing, the wit, the quickness of it all. Plus, stories that talk about how ingenious concepts began always have a way of piquing my interest — and boy, when that man came up with Facebook and then decided to add relationship categories to the platform?
I mean, who doesn’t remember when they first saw that they could list their “hell, what are we?” dynamic as “it’s complicated” on their profile page? Here's the thing about that, though — let enough time and wisdom go by and you really will accept that, more times than not, situationships aren’t complicated.
All that’s really going on is one or both people are seeing flags that they are ignoring, and/or both people are not on the same page yet don’t want to fully face it, and/or one or both people don’t exactly know what they relationally want — whether that be in general or from each other. I’m telling you, at the end of the day, when you take emotions out and leave facts and reality in, usually things about relationships aren’t all that confusing…you just have to accept the real deal of the matter for what it truly is. Simple math. Over and out.
And that’s why we are going to explore the topic of talking vs. dating today, because, although it might seem like “talking” is a term that only high school and college-aged people — excuse me — talk about when it comes to relationships, that absolutely is not the case.
Actually, a few weeks ago, I had a 40-year-old client ask me what the real differences between talking and dating are — and although I will admit that the answer to that question may have a bit of nuance to it (based on each person’s perspective), I’m going to do my damndest to remove as much murkiness (i.e., confusion) from her inquiry as possible — for her sake and perhaps some of y’all’s too.
Ready?
The Truth About “Talking” And What It Really Means
Talking: Curious About Getting to Know Someone
GiphyY’all doing videos while in bed is hilarious to me. LOL. And what she said? (See the creator's full video here.) That is why I stated in the intro that some of this is going to be based on personal opinion, for sure, because if you are wanting to fast track into dating or engagement or marriage — you absolutely wouldn’t be able to wrap your head around “talking” to someone for six months or longer.
Here’s the thing about that, though — what if things are long-distance? What if your schedules are so full that you only get to chat 1-2 times a week for a few minutes at a time or you find yourselves doing more texting than anything else? What if you are in the season of wanting to take things slow or you currently prefer to “talk to” more than one individual? EXACTLY.
Yeah, when you are in the talking stage/phase, the main thing to keep in mind is, this means that you have enough curiosity and interest that you want to get to know more about someone else. HOWEVER, if you’re not looking for something super serious, you probably won’t ask the same kinds of questions that you would if you desire to be married within the next two years or so.
And that is exactly why the talking stage may be longer for some than others. Some people may only want to keep things light and surface for a while and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that — so long as you both agree to cruise in that type of lane.
That said, though, in order to be clear that “talking” is pretty much all that the two of you are doing, here are some things about it to keep in mind about that stage of getting involved with another person.
5 Things to Look for During the Talking Stage
GiphyOkay, so you meet an attractive guy and there seems to be some chemistry there. If you were to use the phrase, “We’re just talking” to someone, what exactly does — or rather “should” — that mean?
1. Talking needs a connection. Although you might initially think “duh” when it comes to this, you’d be amazed by how many people think that they are in a conversation when really, it’s more like a monologue with an audience. And that is all because they are looking for attention more than a genuine connection. That said, if you are officially talking to someone, this means that both of you are truly interested in what the other has to say — and so you make time to connect (even if it’s just by phone, text or social media) in order to learn more.
2. Talking needs reciprocity. Some people might even wonder why there needs to be a talking stage at all — and one reason is for this next point: the talking season is about sharing and listening; it’s about seeing if you are “connected enough” to respect someone enough to care about their initial thoughts, interests, wants and needs as they do the same thing for you. And you know what? Honestly, a lot of people wouldn’t be so jaded in their relationships if they slowed TF down and did some real-deal talking first…because if the two of you can’t find mutual ground and respect in basic-level communication, how do you think you can be in a healthy long-term dynamic up the road?
3. Talking needs some sort of consistency. Just because talking isn’t as serious as dating, that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t have some consistency to it. And no, this doesn’t mean that you need to be called every morning or texted 10 times a day. There just needs to be some sort of effort that shows real interest. Meaning, if you are actually talking to someone, hearing from them shouldn’t shock you; this would only be the case if they reach out to you randomly—and if that is what’s going on, I wouldn’t even say that the two of you are “talking”…yet.
4. Talking needs some non-forced or performative effort. Does “the representative” show up when you’re just talking to someone? More times than not…absolutely (on your end not just his, by the way). However, a part of the reason why I am team coffee date is because, if you are truly going on dates in order to get to know someone better, when you’re first getting to know them, why should that take up hours and hours of your time? Instead of things being over-the-top and grand, talking should come with ease and as little stress and high expectations as possible.
Yeah, something that I like about the talking stage is since nothing is official, even a lil’ bit, both people can show more of their true colors when it comes to their communication style, how they like to interact and how often they prefer to do it. Since there are no real expectations yet, everyone can feel free to just…be themselves.
5. Talking needs honesty (especially about what both people are looking for). Speaking of being “free to be” — I was recently chatting it up with a male friend of mine about a woman who he was just “talking” to. Although he was hella attracted to her, he shared with me that he didn’t think that things were going to work out; it’s because he spends a lot of time on the road and she doesn’t seem to respect his schedule. “She calls and texts at hours when I’m not available and then gets upset if I don’t get back immediately. Girl, I am working.”
His situation is a blaring reminder to be honest with your own damn self about what you want and even require during the talking stage. That way, you don’t end up in what really could’ve been avoided once you actually are dating each other. Yep — if while talking, you already see serious “potholes” along the way…that’s what talking is for. TALK ABOUT IT and if “it” can’t be worked out, no harm, no foul. You were just talking. Scale back to being friends or part ways. All good.
What Defines Actual Dating (And Why It Matters)
Dating: Semi-Committed...to Getting to Know Someone…BETTER
GiphyNow I’m going to be super candid on this point — some people think that even dating is a serious, long-term relationship or like it’s damn near marriage. Soon enough, I’ll be writing about something that I have briefly touched on before: a boyfriend IS NOT a husband and a girlfriend IS NOT a wife. And you know what? Dating really isn’t boyfriend/girlfriend status either; it’s simply a step up from merely…talking.
And that’s why I included the video right above this section and the one at the very end because, if you are in a state of “what are we?” or you’re out here thinking that someone is dragging their feet, because you think that you should be further along than where the two of you are — that either sounds like you believe that dating is a full-blown relationship or that you’ve been moving like a girlfriend or even a fiancée without getting any real clarity or confirmation that you should.
It really can’t be said enough, y’all: Please always keep in mind that talking is not dating and dating is not an official exclusive dynamic. Like exclusivity gets you to engagement and then marriage — dating is what gets you to the exclusive portion of the program. Yeah, we really need to stop “bleeding everything” in together; that’s what causes so much drama and disappointment when it comes to relationships, more times than not.
5 Things to Pay Attention to While in Your Dating Season
GiphyAight, so do me a favor and listen to the last video before reading the first of this (insert approximately one minute here). I’m sure you caught that the gentleman had no problem saying that he dated for a year before transitioning into something else. I’m sure you also noticed that the host struggled with hearing that. I think a big part of the reason why is because she felt that dating IS an exclusive relationship; it can’t be said enough that it isn’t.
In fact, did you know that there is a popular study that says it takes about 200 hours to consider someone to be a good friend (hmph, I even think that is too low to be a GOOD friend)? And if your partner is going to be, at the very least, one of your closet friends? I mean, there are 168 hours in a week, right? If you have a full life, you don’t have 25 hours a week to sit on the phone…right? Yes, to become friends, it takes time. To become more than friends — if you’re taking it seriously — even more time.
An average date lasts 2-3 hours. Put all of this together and it means that you would need 200 hours to become good friends and then 100 dates to take it to another level. Hmph. Sounds like about a year to me (*Elmo shrug*). At least if friendship as a foundation of your relationship is something that you desire.
And during that season of dating, here’s what you should be looking for:
1. Dating requires integrity. Just recently, I was talking to a client about how much his integrity sucks (and I am being so literal about that). It was in the context of him saying things in the moment and not following through. He admitted that he does it to keep the peace at the time and yet, because there aren’t enough consequences for when he doesn’t keep his word, he remains in that pattern of not really meaning what he says — even if he intends to. Hmph. I’m sure that most of y’all have heard the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
To that, one of my favorite quotes is “Hell is truth seen too late.” (Thomas Hobbes) At the end of the day, integrity is about living by a certain code of morals and ethics — and being dependable and reliable should definitely apply to someone who is dating another person. Peep if he calls when he says that he will. If he shows up on time to planned events. If his words and actions line up. Evaluating integrity doesn’t happen overnight. Take your freakin’ time.
2. Dating requires proactiveness. Any time that I am asked about a favorite trait in a guy, I’m absolutely going to say, “That he’s proactive.” To me, reactive is so…lazy. It means that you are in a pattern of wanting to “put out fires” instead of preventing them — and that means that you don’t really prioritize things well. To be proactive is to be in a state of anticipation — and that means that you are intentional about keeping what’s important to you in mind. Dating reveals proactiveness vs. reactiveness like nobody’s business. Trust me when I tell you that.
3. Dating requires a certain level of intimacy. By definition, intimacy is about having a close and familiar relationship with someone else. Another definition: having detailed knowledge and a deep understanding of something or someone — and how you can expect this from “talking” only, the world will never know. And honestly, expecting this in the beginning stages of dating is a bit of a reach too. Learning more about another person means that you need to spend time with them — hell, not just time but quality time. That is when you ask insightful questions and listen to what their wants, needs and desires are (as they do the same for you).
And if you decide to take things up a notch on the physical level — hey, that’s totally up to you; however, as you can see, intimacy doesn’t automatically require that. Intimacy is simply about growing closer to and more familiar with another person — and yes, dating is designed to do that. With each date, more intimacy. If you are dating with intention (to transition into something more, in time), that is.
4. Dating requires being on the same page (basically at the same time). When folks jump from talking to a relationship — that is how they can end up feeling completely disillusioned because remember that talking is about seeing if there is a possible connection beyond attraction while dating is about scratching well beneath the surface. For instance, if you have sex while talking, you might THINK that you have a mental and emotional bond while the guy you’re seeing is simply seeing copulation as moments of physical pleasure. Yeah, that’s another cool thing about dating: with each date, you get to see if you are on the same page or not.
And since you are only dating, if after date five or date seven, you realize that you both want totally different things — no harm, no foul. You weren’t “official” and although you might be a bit disappointed, there is certainly nothing to feel distraught about or devastated over. He wasn’t your man; he was simply someone who you were…dating and for that reason, he didn’t get ALL of you. You “rationed” as necessary…as earned.
5. Dating requires progress. Do I think that dating takes time and, more importantly, more time than talking does? Clearly, I do. And yet, even with all that I’ve just said, I will also say this: When dating gets to the point where you feel like you’re in some sort of purgatory — something is very off. Whether you ultimately want marriage to come from dating or you simply want a more serious and significant dynamic with another person, one thing that dating can’t do is be stagnate — well, unless you’re a casual dater and there is such a thing.
And so yes, whether it takes you and someone three months to realize you both want more or it requires 365 days (give or take several weeks), please make sure that the dating that you’re doing is progressing — at the very least when it comes to you figuring out more of who you are and what you want or need from a relationship. Because honestly, that’s one of the main things that dating should do for everyone.
___
TALK to establish an initial connection. DATE to build intimacy. Over time.
Make sense? I certainly hope so.
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RELATED
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Kayla Nicole says she wore a dress that was once worn by Braxton herself for the Halloween costume. “It’s not a secret Toni is more on the petite side. I’m obsessed with all 5’2” of her,” she tells xoNecole via email. “But I’m 5’10'' and not missing any meals, honey, so to my surprise, when I got the dress and it actually fit, I knew it was destiny.”
The episode was the perfect way for the multihyphenate to take control of her own narrative. By addressing the viral moment on her own platform, she was able to stir the conversation and keep the focus on her adoration for Braxton, an artist she says she grew up listening to and who still makes her most-played playlist every year. Elsewhere, she likely would’ve received questions about whether or not the costume was a subliminal aimed at her ex-boyfriend and his pop star fiancée. “I think that people will try to project their own narratives, right?” she said, hinting at this in the episode. “But, for me personally – I think it’s very important to say this in this moment – I’m not in the business of tearing other women down. I’m in the business of celebrating them.”
Kayla Nicole is among xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, powered by SheaMoisture, recognized in the Viral Voices category for her work in media and the trends she sets on our timelines, all while prioritizing her own mental and physical health. As she puts it: “Yes, I’m curating conversations on my podcast The Pre-Game, and cultivating community with my wellness brand Tribe Therepē.”
Despite being the frequent topic of conversation online, Kayla Nicole says she’s learning to take advantage of her growing social media platform without becoming consumed by it. “I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out,” she says.
On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."
Credit: Malcolm Roberson
Throughout each episode, she sips a cocktail and addresses trending topics (even when they involve herself). It’s a platform the Pepperdine University alumnus has been preparing to have since she graduated with a degree in broadcast journalism, with a concentration in political science.
“I just knew I was going to end up on a local news network at the head anchor table, breaking high speed chases, and tossing it to the weather girl,” she says. Instead, she ended up working as an assistant at TMZ before covering sports as a freelance reporter. (She’s said she didn’t work for ESPN, despite previous reports saying otherwise.) The Pre-Game combines her love for pop culture and sports in a way that once felt inaccessible to her in traditional media.
She’s not just a podcaster, though. When she’s not behind the mic, taking acting classes or making her New York Fashion Week debut, Kayla Nicole is also busy elevating her wellness brand Tribe Therepē, where she shares her workouts and the workout equipment that helps her look chic while staying fit. She says the brand will add apparel to its line up in early 2026.
“Tribe Therepē has evolved into exactly what I have always envisioned. A community of women who care about being fit not just for the aesthetic, but for their mental and emotional well-being too. It’s grounded. It’s feminine. It’s strong,” she says. “And honestly, it's a reflection of where I am in my life right now. I feel so damn good - mentally, emotionally, and physically. And I am grateful to be in a space where I can pour that love and light back into the community that continues to pour into me.”
Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
Featured image by Malcolm Roberson