There is a specific situation that inspired me to pen this piece. There is a close male friend in my life who, up until a few weeks ago, I used to think was the ultimate commitment-phobe. It’s not that he’s not a good man — he’s actually one of my favorite people. It’s just that he’s definitely got some signs of being a serial monogamist in the sense of being in a relationship for years and not transitioning it into marriage.
Oh, but when we sat down not too long ago and he told me that he’s sure that he met “his one,” after I picked my chin up off of the ground, I asked him what caused her to stand out from the rest. “She’s wife material. None of the others were that for me.”
Wife. Material. Two definitions of material are “the substance or substances of which a thing is made or composed” and “a group of ideas, facts, data, etc., that may provide the basis for or be incorporated into some integrated work.” In order for a marriage to be a healthy and thriving one, the husband needs to be made up of a certain kind of material and the wife does as well. And, as you’re about to see, for many men, a girlfriend does not automatically translate into a potential wife.
How could that possibly be? Read on. The answers just might surprise you.
*Middle names are used so that the men can speak freely.*
Giphy1. Dreven. 37. Married for Five Years.
“I’m going to tell you ladies something that will spare you a lot of wasted time and therapy if you actually listen — for a lot of men, deciding to get married is more about timing than the person they are with. What I mean is, Shellie once told me that she read a quote that said a woman will never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready and there is a lot of truth in that. Even if you show all of the traits that would make you the ultimate wife, if a man isn’t looking for that, it’s not really going to matter. A man who sees a woman as ‘wife material’ has to see marriage as being a part of his life to begin with. So, if you want to get married, date someone who feels the same way.”
Shellie here: That reminds me of an oldie-but-goodie that I once penned for the platform. If you’ve never read “Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife,” it just might (further) connect some dots for you in relation to what Dreven just said.
2. Colton. 28. In a Serious Relationship.
“I think it’s crazy how women on social media are always talking about how a ‘real man’ won’t even need their help when the Bible literally calls women ‘helpmates.' They can take that up with their Lord and Savior. Not to mention stories of now-millionaires like Denzel Washington who said that his wife helped to pay for their first date and Ryan Coogler’s wife paid for some of his film equipment while they were dating. To me, a wife material woman isn’t selfish. She gets that a relationship requires give and take. She doesn’t think that she should be the only one on the receiving end of things. The woman I’m with now is totally wife material — and she is the first woman I’ve dated who has ever made me feel that way. She wants us both to win. Everything isn’t just about her.”
Shellie here: Colton’s biblical reference is Genesis 2:18(AMPC): “Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him” and that “complementary” word reminds me of another article that you might want to read at some point and time — “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life.”
Giphy4. Namir. 30. Engaged.
“Girlfriends are temporary. A wife is forever. That’s how I see it. So, ‘girlfriend material’ in my eyes is someone who I’m looking to be with for a fun time not a long time. The word has ‘girl’ in it — what about that sounds serious? That’s why I never had many girlfriends. I dated a lot, but the title of ‘girlfriend’ always sounded silly to me. If I’m only going to be with you, you need to be my fiancée or wife not a girlfriend — and if I’m not ready for or even interested in that, then I’m not going to pretend like I am. If you are a girlfriend, could you become a wife? Maybe. It’s a gamble. Because if I’m going into the situation with you being that to me, there is something about me that isn’t ready for marriage which means that you might or might not be my [future] wife. Why risk it? That’s why women feel taken advantage of — they are girlfriends acting like they are a wife when they could simply date men who want a wife from the beginning. Not ‘someday.’ SOON.”
5. Malcolm. 40. Married for 11 Years.
“Transactional women are not wife material. I’ve always found it odd that women will say things like, ‘If we give you sex, you should give us money.’ The oldest profession thinks like that. Don’t forget that we both get pleasure out of sex. What am I getting out of paying your bills all of the time? And a woman who thinks that way, why should a man trust her enough to marry her? You’re sleeping with me to get some sort of monetary gain? Sounds like you will weaponize intimacy in marriage because you’re manipulating it now. Men who are marriage-minded don’t find those women appealing or attractive — certainly not for the long-term or to go the distance.”
Shellie here: Yeah, I loathe that transactional nonsense too. I address it here: “Guess What? Dating Was Never Supposed To Be Transactional.”
Giphy5. Eli. 36. In a Serious Relationship.
“A girlfriend to me is someone who there might be as many cons as there are pros to the situation, but you don’t really care because you’re not asking yourself if you can see being with this person forever — you’re enjoying them for the time that you are with them now. What women don’t get is when a man is ready for marriage, he is asking himself questions that he barely even thinks about when he’s dating: ‘Do we come to resolves quickly?’; ‘Does she get along well with my family?’; ‘Does she enjoy sex as much as I do?’; ‘Does she show traits of being a good mother?’; ‘Is she financially mature?’; ‘Is she feminine and peaceful?’; ‘Does she take good care of herself?’. When you’re just dating someone, a lot of this, you don’t even care about because, if they aren’t going to do life with you, it doesn’t really matter. When a guy wants a wife, he probably won’t even get into the whole ‘girlfriend’ title thing. She will jump from a few dates to a fiancée quick!”
6. Jario. 30. Married for Two Years.
“Wife material to me is emotional maturity. How a woman handles challenges — and I don’t mean in the relationship but in her own life is really sexy. I’ve had girlfriends in the past who freaked out about the smallest things and that was always a red flag to me; if you can’t handle a damn Amazon package arriving late or one of your friends cancelling on you at the last minute, no telling what you’ll be like if you lose your job. A woman who is more solutions-oriented than problem-stuck is a woman who is going to be hard for a man to pass by. When my wife totaled her car while we were dating and she called me all calm, I thought that she was pranking me at first. And that was when I knew she was the one. Calm in a crisis. Knowing how to handle her emotions. Focusing on what she actually can control. And she’s still like that to this day.”
Giphy7. Nyle. 42. In a Serious Relationship.
“I don’t think a lot of people who are boyfriends or girlfriends ever evolve from the mindset of high school or college. Still entitled. Still immature. Still playing games. Still focused more on what they can get from someone than what they can do for someone else. Still thinking that relationships are a fairy tale. You have to be very mature to be married. The problem is, people want to be ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ in marriage — they have that same stunted mentality. That’s why they can’t endure hard times and divorce is always on their mind. The same ‘If everything doesn’t go my way all of the time, I’m gonna break up’ is how they act about their marriage. They don’t even care if they said vows to God. Girlfriend material is for people who aren’t ready to bring long-term integrity and commitment to something. Because of that, wife material is rare. Marriage material, overall, is rare.”
8. Esai. 26. In a Serious Relationship.
“I found wife material about six months ago. She’s really smart. She keeps me laughing. Her relationship with God means more to her than anything else. She’s family-oriented. She’s been praying about how to become the best kind of wife. All of these things caught my attention, but the last one means the most. Women are always talking about men should chase them because a man should ‘find a wife’ but I don’t hear a lot of them talking about preparing to be that kind of woman. I think girlfriends can focus more on themselves because, technically, they are single. Wife-material is always considering another person — how to be who their future husband needs. In my eyes, that’s the difference.”
Giphy9. Stiles. 34. Engaged.
“I fumbled the ball with one woman before my fiancée — and that was because the timing wasn’t right. For the kind of woman that she was, I wasn’t in the right mental, spiritual or financial position. Everyone else? I didn’t care about being anything more than their boyfriend: we hang out, we have a good time, we have sex and if it ends, I’m actually pretty cool with that because I thought it had an expiration date on it anyway. Too many women try to get a boyfriend. Guys don’t care about that because we don’t take that role as seriously as you think. Women may think that a boyfriend is an ‘almost husband’ but most of us see it as something that probably won’t last, so we don’t invest in it like it will. That’s why, the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is seeing a woman as someone for now vs. someone for the long haul. Hey, you asked.”
10. Pearce. 50. Married for 18 Years.
“My wife was never my girlfriend. I waited until I knew I could provide a woman with a lifestyle that a wife should have and then I started looking for a wife — not a girlfriend. It took about six months. I would go on dates, usually by referral. After three of them, max, I knew if someone was what I was looking for or not. A guy at my job introduced me to my wife, three dates in, I knew she was for me. Six months later we got engaged and a year later, we got married. When a man is looking for wife material, girlfriend material is irrelevant.”
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Y’all, you can spend — or is it waste? — hours of your time listening to random women online tell you how men think…or you can actually listen to me. When it comes to how they see girlfriends vs. wives, 10 just told you. Ask some of the men in your world to share their thoughts as well.
Because why be out here focusing on one kind of material when…the fabric of a marriage…consists of something totally different.
And won’t that preach?
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Apparently, there was a Thanksgiving episode that featured all of the friends having dinner together. And y’all, there was simply no way that I was going to mention the latter without shouting out the original (amen?).
Okay, so with that out of the way — Friendsgiving. Something that I appreciate about twists to holidays like this is that it’s a reminder that there is no one way to celebrate special occasions. And so, if, for whatever the reason, you will not or cannot be with family during the holiday season, there are certainly other alternatives at your disposal.
That being said, if the thought of spending time with friends this Thanksgiving is something that you’d like to do, yet you’re not sure how to host it in a way that will make Friendsgiving a fan favorite for your entire circle — I’ve got 10 suggestions that can make the planning process easy as pumpkin (or sweet potato) pie.
1. Position Chrysanthemums or Orchids for Your Table Décor
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Let’s start with décor first. Listen, aside from cleaning up your place, you don’t have to be over the top. If you put together a really nice centerpiece or put a flower at each table setting, honestly, you’re all good. And if you’re someone who is big on details and symbolism, my recommendation would be to go with some chrysanthemums and/or orchids.
When it comes to chrysanthemums, not only are they a peak fall flower, they represent things like friendship and happiness. And orchids? They tend to bloom during the fall and spring seasons and, not only are they about luxury, certain orchid colors also symbolize friendship (for the record, yellow roses symbolize friendship too). Perfect.
2. Incorporate Scents That Cultivate Gratitude
Speaking of cultivating a warm and inviting space, you can never go wrong with scented soy candles — or at least having an essential oil diffuser in a few spots. Some scents that actually help to bring in the spirit of gratitude include vanilla, jasmine, ginger, cedarwood and frankincense.
3. Use Upscale Paper Products to Dine With
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Let’s be real — a lot more of us would probably host events in our home if it wasn’t for the mess that is left behind in our kitchen once the festivities are over. Wanna avoid that? Use paper plates. No, I don’t mean the cheap Styrofoam ones. SMDH. These days, there are paper (and plastic) plate brands that will low-key blow your mind when it comes to how bougie they look. Some that are worth considering are located here, here and here.
4. Handwrite Thank-You Notes (Use Them As Place Settings)
If you’re like Tiffany (from the HBO series Insecure — what a time) was at that memorable dinner party when all hell broke loose between Lawrence and Issa and you’re pretty anal — I mean, particular — LOL — about place settings, it’s a nice touch to pick up some blank thank-you cards that you can write a personalized “I’m thankful for you because…” message in. Place each one where you’d like each friend to sit. They won’t see it coming and it’s a really nice touch.
5. Have Everyone Bring Their Favorite Homemade Dish
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Okay, and what if what has you on the fence about hosting is you don’t feel like doing a ton of cooking? Chile, this is where the concept of having a potluck comes in. Get everyone to bring the dish that they claim they cook the best and make sure to let them know how many individuals you plan on coming (so that they will make enough). You can even make a game out of it by having everyone anonymously vote for the first, second and third best dishes out of the bunch. Take it up a notch by having a prize for each winner.
6. Take a Warm Drink and Dessert Poll Beforehand
You know what isn’t discussed enough about dinner parties? Folks bringing desserts that other people don’t even like. SMDH. You can avoid this from becoming an issue at your Friendsgiving by sending an email (most people prefer that to group chats; let’s be real — and make sure to BCC everyone as well) asking everyone to share what their top three favorite desserts and warm drinks are. Then pick the top 2-3 out of the bunch. That way, you won’t have a ton of (for instance) coffee cake or apple cider lying around that no one even wanted in the first place.
7. Create a Signature Friendsgiving Mocktail and Cocktail
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Speaking of drinks, another way to make your Friendsgiving memorable is to come up with a signature mocktail (for those who don’t consume alcohol) and cocktail. For the mocktail, you can also poll your friends about their favorite mocktail or fruits and come up with a mixture of your own. For the cocktail — although National Friendship Day is actually in August, I did peep that there are certain drinks that have been created in its honor. Some of them are located here for you to do a bit of tweaking on (if you’d like).
8. Ask Everyone to Share Their “Favorite Friend Quality” of Another
You know how it’s customary for everyone to go around and share what they are truly thankful for before having dinner? Well, to continue along with the Friendsgiving theme, have each person share what their favorite friend quality is about the person to their right. If folks are just meeting each other for the first time, instead they can share what they value the most in friendship overall, along with a story of how it was displayed to them personally over the past 12 months.
9. Send Each of Your Guests Home with a Fresh Gratitude Journal
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Wanna send folks home with a nice parting gift? It would be so on-trend to give each of them a gratitude journal. Listen, we are in some crazy times right through here (at least in the States) and so, encouraging your friends to set some time aside, regularly, to think about and then outwardly express what they are grateful for? That helps to keep stress down, keep things in perspective and it reminds us all to maintain a positive mindset as much as possible.
10. Watch a Nostalgic Movie
While everyone is enjoying dessert and drinks, how about watching a movie that brings back fond memories? A list of some of the most popular movies to come out previous Thanksgiving weekends is located here and a list of some favorite Black holiday-themed films can be found here. It’s a way to wind down and share some laughs before everyone heads home.
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Friendsgiving. What a wonderful way to celebrate your friends while also observing Thanksgiving in a way that is totally on your terms. And now that you know how to put it together, what are you waiting for? Hit your friends up and let them know that, whether it’s on actual Thanksgiving Day or a few days before or after, you’ve got a special dinner in mind.
One that has a good time with amazing friends written ALL over it.
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