Although I wouldn’t exactly say that Mark Zuckerberg is one of my favorite people on the planet (at all), The Social Network — the movie that was made about him (and Facebook) back in 2010 — absolutely is. I like the writing, the wit, the quickness of it all. Plus, stories that talk about how ingenious concepts began always have a way of piquing my interest — and boy, when that man came up with Facebook and then decided to add relationship categories to the platform?
I mean, who doesn’t remember when they first saw that they could list their “hell, what are we?” dynamic as “it’s complicated” on their profile page? Here's the thing about that, though — let enough time and wisdom go by and you really will accept that, more times than not, situationships aren’t complicated.
All that’s really going on is one or both people are seeing flags that they are ignoring, and/or both people are not on the same page yet don’t want to fully face it, and/or one or both people don’t exactly know what they relationally want — whether that be in general or from each other. I’m telling you, at the end of the day, when you take emotions out and leave facts and reality in, usually things about relationships aren’t all that confusing…you just have to accept the real deal of the matter for what it truly is. Simple math. Over and out.
And that’s why we are going to explore the topic of talking vs. dating today, because, although it might seem like “talking” is a term that only high school and college-aged people — excuse me — talk about when it comes to relationships, that absolutely is not the case.
Actually, a few weeks ago, I had a 40-year-old client ask me what the real differences between talking and dating are — and although I will admit that the answer to that question may have a bit of nuance to it (based on each person’s perspective), I’m going to do my damndest to remove as much murkiness (i.e., confusion) from her inquiry as possible — for her sake and perhaps some of y’all’s too.
Ready?
The Truth About “Talking” And What It Really Means
Talking: Curious About Getting to Know Someone
GiphyY’all doing videos while in bed is hilarious to me. LOL. And what she said? (See the creator's full video here.) That is why I stated in the intro that some of this is going to be based on personal opinion, for sure, because if you are wanting to fast track into dating or engagement or marriage — you absolutely wouldn’t be able to wrap your head around “talking” to someone for six months or longer.
Here’s the thing about that, though — what if things are long-distance? What if your schedules are so full that you only get to chat 1-2 times a week for a few minutes at a time or you find yourselves doing more texting than anything else? What if you are in the season of wanting to take things slow or you currently prefer to “talk to” more than one individual? EXACTLY.
Yeah, when you are in the talking stage/phase, the main thing to keep in mind is, this means that you have enough curiosity and interest that you want to get to know more about someone else. HOWEVER, if you’re not looking for something super serious, you probably won’t ask the same kinds of questions that you would if you desire to be married within the next two years or so.
And that is exactly why the talking stage may be longer for some than others. Some people may only want to keep things light and surface for a while and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that — so long as you both agree to cruise in that type of lane.
That said, though, in order to be clear that “talking” is pretty much all that the two of you are doing, here are some things about it to keep in mind about that stage of getting involved with another person.
5 Things to Look for During the Talking Stage
GiphyOkay, so you meet an attractive guy and there seems to be some chemistry there. If you were to use the phrase, “We’re just talking” to someone, what exactly does — or rather “should” — that mean?
1. Talking needs a connection. Although you might initially think “duh” when it comes to this, you’d be amazed by how many people think that they are in a conversation when really, it’s more like a monologue with an audience. And that is all because they are looking for attention more than a genuine connection. That said, if you are officially talking to someone, this means that both of you are truly interested in what the other has to say — and so you make time to connect (even if it’s just by phone, text or social media) in order to learn more.
2. Talking needs reciprocity. Some people might even wonder why there needs to be a talking stage at all — and one reason is for this next point: the talking season is about sharing and listening; it’s about seeing if you are “connected enough” to respect someone enough to care about their initial thoughts, interests, wants and needs as they do the same thing for you. And you know what? Honestly, a lot of people wouldn’t be so jaded in their relationships if they slowed TF down and did some real-deal talking first…because if the two of you can’t find mutual ground and respect in basic-level communication, how do you think you can be in a healthy long-term dynamic up the road?
3. Talking needs some sort of consistency. Just because talking isn’t as serious as dating, that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t have some consistency to it. And no, this doesn’t mean that you need to be called every morning or texted 10 times a day. There just needs to be some sort of effort that shows real interest. Meaning, if you are actually talking to someone, hearing from them shouldn’t shock you; this would only be the case if they reach out to you randomly—and if that is what’s going on, I wouldn’t even say that the two of you are “talking”…yet.
4. Talking needs some non-forced or performative effort. Does “the representative” show up when you’re just talking to someone? More times than not…absolutely (on your end not just his, by the way). However, a part of the reason why I am team coffee date is because, if you are truly going on dates in order to get to know someone better, when you’re first getting to know them, why should that take up hours and hours of your time? Instead of things being over-the-top and grand, talking should come with ease and as little stress and high expectations as possible.
Yeah, something that I like about the talking stage is since nothing is official, even a lil’ bit, both people can show more of their true colors when it comes to their communication style, how they like to interact and how often they prefer to do it. Since there are no real expectations yet, everyone can feel free to just…be themselves.
5. Talking needs honesty (especially about what both people are looking for). Speaking of being “free to be” — I was recently chatting it up with a male friend of mine about a woman who he was just “talking” to. Although he was hella attracted to her, he shared with me that he didn’t think that things were going to work out; it’s because he spends a lot of time on the road and she doesn’t seem to respect his schedule. “She calls and texts at hours when I’m not available and then gets upset if I don’t get back immediately. Girl, I am working.”
His situation is a blaring reminder to be honest with your own damn self about what you want and even require during the talking stage. That way, you don’t end up in what really could’ve been avoided once you actually are dating each other. Yep — if while talking, you already see serious “potholes” along the way…that’s what talking is for. TALK ABOUT IT and if “it” can’t be worked out, no harm, no foul. You were just talking. Scale back to being friends or part ways. All good.
What Defines Actual Dating (And Why It Matters)
Dating: Semi-Committed...to Getting to Know Someone…BETTER
GiphyNow I’m going to be super candid on this point — some people think that even dating is a serious, long-term relationship or like it’s damn near marriage. Soon enough, I’ll be writing about something that I have briefly touched on before: a boyfriend IS NOT a husband and a girlfriend IS NOT a wife. And you know what? Dating really isn’t boyfriend/girlfriend status either; it’s simply a step up from merely…talking.
And that’s why I included the video right above this section and the one at the very end because, if you are in a state of “what are we?” or you’re out here thinking that someone is dragging their feet, because you think that you should be further along than where the two of you are — that either sounds like you believe that dating is a full-blown relationship or that you’ve been moving like a girlfriend or even a fiancée without getting any real clarity or confirmation that you should.
It really can’t be said enough, y’all: Please always keep in mind that talking is not dating and dating is not an official exclusive dynamic. Like exclusivity gets you to engagement and then marriage — dating is what gets you to the exclusive portion of the program. Yeah, we really need to stop “bleeding everything” in together; that’s what causes so much drama and disappointment when it comes to relationships, more times than not.
5 Things to Pay Attention to While in Your Dating Season
GiphyAight, so do me a favor and listen to the last video before reading the first of this (insert approximately one minute here). I’m sure you caught that the gentleman had no problem saying that he dated for a year before transitioning into something else. I’m sure you also noticed that the host struggled with hearing that. I think a big part of the reason why is because she felt that dating IS an exclusive relationship; it can’t be said enough that it isn’t.
In fact, did you know that there is a popular study that says it takes about 200 hours to consider someone to be a good friend (hmph, I even think that is too low to be a GOOD friend)? And if your partner is going to be, at the very least, one of your closet friends? I mean, there are 168 hours in a week, right? If you have a full life, you don’t have 25 hours a week to sit on the phone…right? Yes, to become friends, it takes time. To become more than friends — if you’re taking it seriously — even more time.
An average date lasts 2-3 hours. Put all of this together and it means that you would need 200 hours to become good friends and then 100 dates to take it to another level. Hmph. Sounds like about a year to me (*Elmo shrug*). At least if friendship as a foundation of your relationship is something that you desire.
And during that season of dating, here’s what you should be looking for:
1. Dating requires integrity. Just recently, I was talking to a client about how much his integrity sucks (and I am being so literal about that). It was in the context of him saying things in the moment and not following through. He admitted that he does it to keep the peace at the time and yet, because there aren’t enough consequences for when he doesn’t keep his word, he remains in that pattern of not really meaning what he says — even if he intends to. Hmph. I’m sure that most of y’all have heard the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
To that, one of my favorite quotes is “Hell is truth seen too late.” (Thomas Hobbes) At the end of the day, integrity is about living by a certain code of morals and ethics — and being dependable and reliable should definitely apply to someone who is dating another person. Peep if he calls when he says that he will. If he shows up on time to planned events. If his words and actions line up. Evaluating integrity doesn’t happen overnight. Take your freakin’ time.
2. Dating requires proactiveness. Any time that I am asked about a favorite trait in a guy, I’m absolutely going to say, “That he’s proactive.” To me, reactive is so…lazy. It means that you are in a pattern of wanting to “put out fires” instead of preventing them — and that means that you don’t really prioritize things well. To be proactive is to be in a state of anticipation — and that means that you are intentional about keeping what’s important to you in mind. Dating reveals proactiveness vs. reactiveness like nobody’s business. Trust me when I tell you that.
3. Dating requires a certain level of intimacy. By definition, intimacy is about having a close and familiar relationship with someone else. Another definition: having detailed knowledge and a deep understanding of something or someone — and how you can expect this from “talking” only, the world will never know. And honestly, expecting this in the beginning stages of dating is a bit of a reach too. Learning more about another person means that you need to spend time with them — hell, not just time but quality time. That is when you ask insightful questions and listen to what their wants, needs and desires are (as they do the same for you).
And if you decide to take things up a notch on the physical level — hey, that’s totally up to you; however, as you can see, intimacy doesn’t automatically require that. Intimacy is simply about growing closer to and more familiar with another person — and yes, dating is designed to do that. With each date, more intimacy. If you are dating with intention (to transition into something more, in time), that is.
4. Dating requires being on the same page (basically at the same time). When folks jump from talking to a relationship — that is how they can end up feeling completely disillusioned because remember that talking is about seeing if there is a possible connection beyond attraction while dating is about scratching well beneath the surface. For instance, if you have sex while talking, you might THINK that you have a mental and emotional bond while the guy you’re seeing is simply seeing copulation as moments of physical pleasure. Yeah, that’s another cool thing about dating: with each date, you get to see if you are on the same page or not.
And since you are only dating, if after date five or date seven, you realize that you both want totally different things — no harm, no foul. You weren’t “official” and although you might be a bit disappointed, there is certainly nothing to feel distraught about or devastated over. He wasn’t your man; he was simply someone who you were…dating and for that reason, he didn’t get ALL of you. You “rationed” as necessary…as earned.
5. Dating requires progress. Do I think that dating takes time and, more importantly, more time than talking does? Clearly, I do. And yet, even with all that I’ve just said, I will also say this: When dating gets to the point where you feel like you’re in some sort of purgatory — something is very off. Whether you ultimately want marriage to come from dating or you simply want a more serious and significant dynamic with another person, one thing that dating can’t do is be stagnate — well, unless you’re a casual dater and there is such a thing.
And so yes, whether it takes you and someone three months to realize you both want more or it requires 365 days (give or take several weeks), please make sure that the dating that you’re doing is progressing — at the very least when it comes to you figuring out more of who you are and what you want or need from a relationship. Because honestly, that’s one of the main things that dating should do for everyone.
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TALK to establish an initial connection. DATE to build intimacy. Over time.
Make sense? I certainly hope so.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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