Black Minimalists Share What They Stopped Buying In Order To Live Their Best Lives
What does it really mean to "have everything"? I suppose it depends on what you define as everything. From achieving your goals to living the life you didn't have as a child to living unapologetically, having everything isn't always qualified and quantified by material things. This way of thinking is related to the minimalist lifestyle – an existence that is rooted in happiness when living with less. For minimalists, they value experiences over possessions.
Minimalism is not for the faint of heart. The 'less is more' concept is one that requires discipline, consistency, and intention. We have watched as the minimalist theory swept across varying fields from fashion to interior design to photography. It is such a beautiful way of life and we are in awe of how Black women apply the theory to their lives.
So, we talked with four Black women who aren't new to minimalism, they are true to minimalism. Keep reading for why they made the choice, how their upbringing affected their decision, and their advice for other women.Whitney Roberts
Photo Courtesy of Whitney Roberts
Age:35
Title/Industry:Writer, Podcaster, Content Creator
Location:Philadelphia, PA
When did you adapt to the minimalist lifestyle?
I have been a minimalist for about four years now. I adopted minimalism because I was honestly tired of stuff. As a writer, I find clutter to be distracting. To keep me as focused as possible, I try to eliminate as much of it as possible.
What was the hardest obstacle in making this change?
Getting rid of certain things. For me, clothes were easy to clear out as I made the practice of clearing my wardrobe every season change in order to donate. The most difficult things to get rid of were my books! I love to read and managed to get my hands on many rare copies.
How did your upbringing affect your choice to become a minimalist?
Majorly! My mom is big on giving things away that we aren't using. She's really generous. I would like to think I inherited her generosity. On the other hand, one of my grandparents was a huge hoarder. They would buy things just to have them and wouldn't share. I saw how that affected their lives and how, in the end, all they had was their stuff.
What things did you stop buying in order to feel freer financially?
CLOTHES! I said earlier how easy they were to give away and unless I need something, I rarely shop for clothes. And you will be surprised how quickly the savings add up when you're not constantly shopping for things that are in style today and out tomorrow.
Can you share your biggest joy since you made the modifications?
The biggest joy is handing over that box of things I don't need knowing that they are going to people who do need them. I recently cleared some gently-used dishes I didn't need and, afterward, found a family that didn't have any. Handing them that box and sharing in that moment of gratitude (them grateful for the dishes and me grateful to help) was a big joy.
What advice do you have for women wanting to live life minimally?
Start small. You don't have to reduce all of your items in one day, or even in one month! Take your time. Choose one area at a time. Go through each item, one at a time, and ask yourself if you really NEED it or not. It's totally doable. Just go at your own pace.
For more of Whitney, follow her on Instagram.
Danae Smith
Photo Courtesy of Danae Smith
Age: 30
Title/Industry:Lifestyle Blogger
Location:Northern Virginia
When did you adapt to the minimalist lifestyle?
I started my minimalist journey in 2015 but in the last couple of years, I've really leaned into the slowness and simplicity of minimalism.
What was the hardest obstacle in making this change?
The hardest obstacle was unlearning rushing and learning to let go. Decluttering spaces wasn't too hard. I could easily let go of clothes and shoes that didn't spark joy, but for me, it was hard to let go of items that held memories. It's a process, but minimalism has challenged my need to hold on to all the things, be that something tangible or intangible. As for unlearning rushing, embracing minimalism has and continues to challenge my need to rush on to the next thing, be that a trend or literally how I move from one space to the next. I'm constantly learning to slow down and be still, to give the moment in front of me my full attention.
"I'm constantly learning to slow down and be still, to give the moment in front of me my full attention."
How did your upbringing affect your choice to become a minimalist?
I didn't grow up in a minimalistic home, but I did grow up in a home that valued delayed gratification, imaginative play, and reading over television, etc. I grew up in a home that did not follow trends a ton and that has deeply impacted how I move through life now. In some ways, the way I grew up helped make the adjustment to a more minimalist lifestyle a little easier.
What things did you stop buying in order to feel freer financially?
I think the first items to receive a personal budget cut were clothes and shoes. Nowadays, I aim to purchase clothing items that are aesthetically pleasing and functional with the ability to be worn in multiple seasons and styled differently each time. Doing the 10x10 challenge really helped me to get creative with the clothes I already owned. I also worked really hard at not eating out a ton, especially for lunch. I worked in D.C. for a while so it was easy to go to a food truck or chain restaurant to grab lunch. Of course, as with any journey, some days were definitely easier than others.
Can you share your biggest joy since you made the modifications?
My biggest joy has been giving myself permission to slow down and be fully present in a given moment.
What advice do you have for women wanting to live life minimally?
Don't feel pressured to pursue minimalism in any particular way. You don't have to suddenly don neutral tones or have a home barely furnished. You can pursue minimalism in full color with a cozy living space or whatever your vibe is. In my eyes, minimalism isn't just an aesthetic. It's a lifestyle choice that makes room for what matters and what you value. How that looks and unfolds in your life can and will look different from the next person.
For more of Danae, follow her on Instagram.
Jaznel Mosby aka J. Chavae or Jaz
Photo Courtesy of Jaznel Mosby
Age: 29
Title/Industry:Wellness Facilitator
Location: Athens, GA
When did you adapt to the minimalist lifestyle?
I adapted to the minimalist, more so essentialist, lifestyle about four to five years ago.
What was the hardest obstacle in making this change?
The hardest obstacle in making this change was thinking that I had to have five to 10 items in my possession when in reality, it was being conscious of what I needed and what truly made me happy.
How did your upbringing affect your choice to become a minimalist?
Growing up, my mother had so many random things in high volume that she didn't need or use, be it shoes, food, cups, etc. I knew that it was because of a lack mentality (she grew up pretty poor in Jamaica) so I did have sympathy for her, but it drove me NUTS! I became obsessed with organizing first, then minimalism/essentialism was introduced to me and the game changed!
What things did you stop buying in order to feel freer financially?
I had to stop buying clothes and shoes. I was a real shopaholic in my early 20's, buying things for their photo potential regardless of wearability or comfort, but minimalism helped me kick that to the curb. I would always tell myself that I didn't have money when in reality, I did have money, I was spending it all on shoes, clothes, and FOOD.
Can you share your biggest joy since you made the modifications?
My biggest joy since this lifestyle change has been filling my home with things that I absolutely need and that I absolutely LOVE. Everything has a purpose and a place which makes my compartmentalized mind very happy!
What advice do you have for women wanting to live life minimally?
The advice that I would give to women wanting to live minimally or essentially is to add before you subtract. It's like wanting to be healthier. If you cut everything out, you're going to crave it more often and probably give in...the same applied to me when it came to my things. Figure out what you love and what you need, incorporate those items in your life and then give thanks to what you don't need or love (think Marie Kondo-style). I also released things much easier when I gave them to someone I knew/loved. It made me happy knowing that they would use something that was simply taking up space in my home!
For more of Jaznel, follow her on Instagram.
Christine Platt
Age:44
Title: The Afrominimalist
Location: Washington, DC
When did you adapt to the minimalist lifestyle?
I began adapting a minimalist lifestyle in the summer of 2016 but in all honesty, I had no idea what I was doing. I was so focused on trying to mirror the neutral, barren aesthetics I saw online. It wasn't until 2017 when I began focusing on being authentic and intentional with my personal style that I truly began adapting to a minimalist lifestyle. For me, that looks like Afrominimalism—a home and wardrobe that reflects the history and beauty of the African diaspora.
The shift to being authentic and intentional was so pivotal! It is what led me to write The Afrominimalist's Guide to Living Less, to really encourage more people, especially Black people, to embrace the practice of minimalism more holistically. Being a conscious consumer has more benefits than having a tidy house and benefiting the environment. It is an opportunity for our community to use their resources to build generational wealth—and for many of us, we are the first people in our families to have the opportunity to do so.
What was the hardest obstacle in making this change?
The hardest obstacle wasn't sorting through everything to decide what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to let go (which is what I thought would be the hardest part). I was very surprised at the emotional work that came with the letting go process. I had to acknowledge what aspects of my childhood led to my excessive spending. I had to acknowledge that I had so many things but so little savings. And I had to forgive myself for all the decisions and choices that led to my overindulgence.
But ironically, I believe emotional labor is one of the most important parts of the process. Honoring my feelings has been essential to maintaining a lifestyle with less. And I really encourage anyone who is planning to or in the process of decluttering to embrace the anger, frustration, sadness, tears, and whatever other emotions emerge. It is important to first know the reasons why you have more than you need, and then honor the emotions that come with that understanding. If not, it is likely that you will continue the same spending habits and find yourself in the same situation again.
"Honoring my feelings has been essential to maintaining a lifestyle with less."
How did your upbringing affect your choice to become a minimalist?
I am so glad that you asked this question! How we were raised plays an important role in why so many people have more than they need. From how we saw our caregivers handle money to fulfilling unmet childhood expectations, there are aspects from our past that have influenced our relationship with money and spending habits. When I was younger, my mother and I spent the weekends shopping, and it was always my favorite part of the week. We had so much fun together! And so, I associated shopping with fun, with rewarding myself, with enjoying the fruits of my labor.
When I began adapting a minimalist lifestyle, I realized what a significant role my childhood played in my emotional spending, as well as the cultural influences and other aspects of my identity, such as being a first-generation everything. I have since become very intentional about breaking that cycle with my daughter and sharing my experiences with others so they can learn from my experiences.
What things did you stop buying in order to feel freer financially?
OK, I want to address a misconception about minimalists—we buy things all the time! We are just 1) very very intentional about what we purchase and 2) constantly letting go of things that no longer serve us to make space for what matters. In order to be financially freer, I had to learn the reason behind my excess (the mindless consumerism and bargain shopping), and refrain from those behaviors. It's how I came up with a mantra that I sometimes still must use when I am shopping: "Remember, it's not a deal if you don't need it."
Can you share your biggest joy since you made the modifications?
Oh, my goodness! There is so much joy! Having savings is such a big part of my joy. Understanding my power as a conscious consumer and investing in my community. There is such joy in being intentional with where and how I spend my money.
What advice do you have for women wanting to live life minimally?
You know, I recently read this beautiful interview in ELLE with Taylour Paige who plays Dussie in Ma Rainey's Black Bottom (which the historian and lover of Black storytelling in me is just obsessed with that movie. Just, gah!) It just felt like I was having a conversation with a young Black woman on her way to understanding and seizing every opportunity in her lifetime. One thing that Taylour said really struck me: "We're all eternal. And this is just a blip in eternity. But if I can be conscious of that, why do anything I don't want to do?"
If you want to live more minimally, do it! And be fully conscious of and committed to your decision. And don't be afraid to make it your own. For me, it's Afrominimalism. But for you, it may be something entirely different. Think of minimalism as intentionalism. Be intentional about creating the life you want to live.
For more of Christine, follow her on Instagram.
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Joce Blake is a womanist who loves fashion, Beyonce and Hot Cheetos. The sophistiratchet enthusiast is based in Brooklyn, NY but has southern belle roots as she was born and raised in Memphis, TN. Keep up with her on Instagram @joce_blake and on Twitter @SaraJessicaBee.
A Cosmic Guide To Love In 2025: What The Stars Have In Store For Your Heart
The most important lesson we are learning about love in 2025 is change. Many major Astrological transits are happening this year, and these will last for years to come. As we walk through this new year, we are being asked to let go of the things we can’t control, and give more grace to the things we can. This is a year of a new perspective on love, finding gratitude in the little things, and watching as the universe supports us and the dreams we build for ourselves here.
At the beginning of the year, we are being shown how significant 2025 will be for love. From March 1, 2025, until April 12, 2025, Venus, the planet of love and relationships, will be retrograde. Venus goes retrograde approximately every 18 months and hasn’t been retrograde since the Summer of 2023. With love taking a step back at the beginning of the year, we move through a time of understanding the emotional world better and letting go of trying to control outcomes here.
What Does 2025 Have in Store for Love?
It’s time to refocus your relationship priorities overall, and with this retrograde happening in both Aries and Pisces, Aries being the first sign of the zodiac and Pisces being the last; there is a chapter we are closing and a new one we are walking into.
Another significant factor that is influencing relationships this year, is Jupiter’s entry into Cancer. Jupiter brings blessings, abundance, luck, and expansion, and in water sign Cancer, brings these gifts to your emotions. Cancer rules emotional safety, foundations, close loved ones, family, support, and emotional well-being, and with Jupiter in this sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, we experience blessings in stability within love. This is a good year for building stronger foundations in love, aligning with those who are loyal and supportive, knowing what you need emotionally, and being a lot clearer on it.
Letting Go of the Past: The Astrological Theme of 2025
Overall, the guideline for the year when it comes to love is to focus on the bigger picture and let things work themselves out without forcing them to. Magic will come in for you this year when you can assess your needs and wants, let go of illusions or smoke and mirrors, and focus on the things you want for yourself rather than what you don’t. Your focus and beliefs on love are the priority right now, and things will be coming full circle for the better.
Read below to see your personal 2025 love forecast. Read for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
What Does Your Zodiac Sign Say About Your 2025 Love Life?
ARIES
2025 is one of the more significant years for you, Aries. A lot of the major transits are happening in your sign, which includes Venus retrograde in Aries at the beginning of the year, Neptune in Aries from March 2025 until 2039, and Saturn in Aries from May 2025 until 2028. Not to mention, Chiron, the wounded healer is currently in your sign until 2027.
What this means for you when it comes to love, is that you have learned a lot about where you want to be here, and it’s the year to implement more of these tools and knowledge of the heart.
This year for love is about honoring your integrity and what you need personally to thrive in life and creating that space to let it in. You need someone who will be there for you through whatever you are experiencing in life and not someone who adds to these challenges. This year is a time of rising above, and choosing better for yourself.
TAURUS
2025 for you when it comes to love, is all about perspective and taking better care of your heart, Taurus. Uranus, the planet of change, rebellion, progress, and upheaval, has been in your sign since 2019, and this year you get a break from all of the surprises. From Jul. 7, 2025, until Nov. 7, 2025, Uranus leaves your sign and enters Gemini, giving your mind and your heart some time to breathe.
This year you are being given the opportunity to see things for what they are, rather than what you fear them to be. You are able to see your relationship dynamics clearer, allowing you to feel more confident in what you are building and creating for yourself in this area of your life. What you are working on this year is letting go of overthinking, and allowing things to play out the way they are meant to in love.
GEMINI
This year you are feeling in balance when it comes to love, Gemini. Relationships are important to you in life overall, as you are a relationship-oriented sign, but it can be difficult at times to keep the balance and perspective here. This year, with lucky Jupiter in your sign until June, you have the opportunity to be blessed with some fortunate circumstances personally and within romance.
You are feeling yourself this year, and this is attracting you success and new opportunities within love.
Uranus will also be in your sign this year from Jul. 7 until Nov. 7, and some surprises are in store for you. Pay attention to what happens in your love life during this period, as similar themes will be coming back around for you when Uranus officially enters its Gemini transit from 2026 - 2032. Overall, this year is about balancing what’s coming and going in love, and finding your peace within your inner confidence for it all.
CANCER
2025 for you, Cancer, is about stability in love. You are growing emotionally from the ground up, and are feeling a sense of support, confidence, romance, and receptivity in your love life this year. You are one of the lucky signs of 2025, and this is due to Jupiter, the planet of blessings, entering your sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026. While Jupiter is in your sign, your life expands and you are able to see the gifts of your world that may have been harder to come by previously.
This is a year of spending more time with your loved ones and feeling more heard and supported emotionally. Safety and security are especially important to you this year, and you are only entertaining the people who feel that way about you and provide that. Many Cancers will be expanding their families this year or developing a long-term relationship, and overall this is a year of feeling stronger when it comes to love.
LEO
When it comes to love this year for you, Leo, it’s about trusting your intuition and listening more to what your heart is telling you. There are not many major transits happening in Leo in 2025, which means there is a lot of room to grow, but you may be feeling a lack of support or encouragement to do so. A lot of Leos are taking a step back to look at where they are currently in love, and yearning for some change and a new direction here.
Neptune will be in your 9th house of adventure for most of this year, and you are being asked to get inspired and do things differently, but don’t take unnecessary risks in love that may not serve you in the long run.
It can be easy to get lost in the fantasy of love rather than the actual reality you’ll live in here, and taking more time to understand yourself, your relationships, and the dynamics in your love life will be necessary. Overall, your heart is healing this year and you are moving away from the past and creating your new future.
VIRGO
This year when it comes to love, you are going through changes that are aligning you closer to your goals and dreams here, Virgo. You are focused on making things work that you want to see bloom, and also letting go of putting effort into people that aren’t reciprocating the same energy. With the North Node entering your sister sign Pisces and the South Node moving into your sign from Jan. 11, 2025, until Jul. 26, 2026, you are doing a lot of letting go over the next year.
However, with the North Node being in your 7th house of love, new doors and gifts are also opening up for you and your partnerships. The more you can let go of perfection and overworking your mind and your heart, the more blessings you will experience when it comes to love this year. In 2025, you also have two Eclipses in your sign, and there are overall a lot of changes Virgos are moving through this year. Your main guidance for love is to stand by the things that serve your heart and release yourself from what burdens it.
LIBRA
Love is coming to fruition for you this year, Libra. You have been through a lot in your personal life these past few years, and walking into 2025, you are ready for some positive change. This is a year of feeling in balance with your personal goals and dreams, and what you are experiencing romantically and financially as well. Relationship dynamics are serving you and your sense of abundance, and many gifts are coming your way in love this year.
With Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn all being in your 7th house of love, your love life and partnerships are the main focus for you in 2025.
You are moving through changes, overcoming previous obstacles, and bringing back the dreamy energy here. With Chiron in the 7th, you are still doing some healing of the heart, but with Neptune now entering, it all feels a little more romantic and spiritual at the same time. This year is about believing in the impossible in love, taking care of yourself, and allowing someone else to take care of you as well.
SCORPIO
This year is all about opportunity when it comes to love, Scorpio. You have your eyes on the prize and are focused on what you want for yourself, but also how you want to show up for love as well. You have goals and intentions that you are setting for your love life this year, and a lot of them reflect the passion and strength you are feeling as you enter the year. Vesta is in your sign this year until September, and you have a spark within you that is a magnet for success and love. You are walking forward confidently and are feeling inspired, sexy, and magical this year.
This is a very sensual and powerful year for you, and this energy is being reflected in the relationship experiences you are having. Jupiter also enters your 9th house of adventure halfway through the year, and there is something special about the trips you are taking and the risks you are taking in love. Overall, this is a year of doing things your way and attracting love to you through your inner confidence and charisma.
SAGITTARIUS
This is a beautiful year of feeling balanced and abundant in love, Sagittarius. There is a lot of energy coming in and you are giving a lot of love as well. This sense of synergy you are feeling within your love life this year has a lot to do with Juno, the asteroid of soulmates, in your sign from Feb. 19 - Apr. 15. Your people are coming in and you have options this year, Sag.
This is a year of feeling loved for the inspiring, outgoing, and unique being you are, and meeting more people who match your energy.
Saturn also enters your 5th house of romance this year, and you are learning a lot through your experiences with others. You are learning how to be more confident in who you are and what you want for yourself and also recognizing the importance of making more time for fun and playful experiences. This is the year to see love as a more light-hearted experience and to not take yourself too seriously.
CAPRICORN
You are letting things come to you when it comes to love this year, Capricorn. You are feeling beautiful, capable, and worthy, and you are receiving the gifts that come from this sense of confidence and patience. This past year, you were setting a lot of new goals for yourself and your relationships, and in 2025, you are experiencing the results of these efforts.
Jupiter moves into your sister sign Cancer from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, and enters your 7th house of love, partnerships, romance, marriage, and harmony. Your love life and experience of it all are expanding this year, and benevolent Jupiter is sending blessings to this area of your life. This is a year of things coming full circle for you in love, and you feel less confused about it all and more sure of yourself and what is becoming for you here.
AQUARIUS
Love is a highlight for you this year, Aquarius. You are coming together with another, and many Aquarius’ will be forming new relationships or growing within a strong relationship. You are experiencing the fruition of your dreams in love, and are also able to heal and let go of past emotional experiences that have been overwhelming for you in the past.
The North Node enters your 12th house of closure this year, and you are motivated towards change, cleaning house, and releasing the cobwebs of the past.
You are walking into new emotional experiences with less baggage and self-doubt, and are experiencing a fresh start in love. This is a year of asking for what you need emotionally and receiving it. Love is coming in for you in harmonious and magical ways, and you are rewriting your story in love in 2025.
PISCES
You are moving through a lot of changes when it comes to love in 2025, Pisces. This is a year of closure, healing, and giving yourself a fresh start, and the way you enter the year will be a lot different than the way you end it. The North Node of Destiny enters your sign this year, and the South Node of Karma enters your 7th house of love. So, a lot of your focus this year is on your personal goals and path, and there may be some neglect or lack of focus on your relationships.
This can create some discord with those close to you, and your guidance for this year is to try to balance the personal successes and wins you are experiencing, with the love changes that also need your attention right now. Know that what leaves your life this year is being replaced by something better, and also know that your healing doesn’t need to have a timeline and you can take as much time as you need to grow. Overall, you are turning a new page in love in 2025.
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Featured image by Anchiy/Getty Images
Even though I work with mostly married couples, that doesn’t mean some of my clients aren’t engaged or single (which I personally classify as being not married or betrothed). And y’all, if there is one thing that I will advise single folks on — male and female alike — when it comes to intimacy, specifically, it’s please do not choose someone for the long run who is merely “good at sex;” instead, select an individual who enjoys it because there is a really big difference between the two.
It has been my professional observation (20 years in at this point) that people who are good at coitus can oftentimes find ways to weaponize, manipulate, and gaslight with it. People who enjoy it, though? Within them, there is a natural level of enthusiasm, joy and, even if they aren’t all that masterful, skill and technique-wise, at the acts(s), they are more than willing to learn (or customize).
The Oral Sex Gap: What Statistics Reveal About Giving and Receiving
Oral sex isn’t exempt here — and boy, when it comes to that topic, there are layers abundant. Although I’m pretty sure that no one is shocked that both fellatio and cunnilingus are acts that are hella popular and even preferred to actual intercourse (well, at least when it comes to women), what may surprise you is that while reportedly only 28 percent of women actually enjoy giving head, they still tend to go down on men way more than men go down on them (well, us — check out “What?! Only 35 Percent Of Men Go Down? Say It Ain’t So.”).
Not only that but I can’t tell you how many men and women have said to me that if there is one thing they wish would improve when it comes to experiencing intimacy with their partner, it’s oral sex — sometimes when it comes to receiving, sometimes when it comes to giving…sometimes when it comes to both.
Y’all, it would truly suck (absolutely no pun intended here) to go into (wow!) a quarter of this century and not be able to say by the end of it that 2025 was the year that you got some of the best cunnilingus — and gave some of the best fellatio — ever. And so, please take a moment to review a few helpful give-and-receive oral sex hacks. Nothing below is super revelatory or complex. If anything, they’re all just reminders that a bit of tweaking can lead to some totally mind-blowing oral action. It’s damn near guaranteed.
How to Make 2025 the Year of Mind-Blowing Oral Sex
GIVE: Be More Enthusiastic
GiphyJust like I write about sex a lot, I also talk to people about it quite a bit — and when it comes to fellatio, although I do hear some men express that they wish their partner would improve in the technique department, what is conveyed even more is that they think their partners lack in the enthusiasm department; enthusiasm in the sense that no one wants to feel like someone is going down on them when they would rather do just about anything but. SMDH.
Enthusiasm is all about approaching something earnestly, eagerly, and with a lot of passion. It’s about doing something because YOU want to, not just because it’s expected of you.
And so, if you know that you lack enthusiasm and it’s genuinely because you feel a bit self-conscious because you don’t think that you’re as good at going down as you would like, first check out articles on the platform like “Are You Ready To Amp Up Your Oral Sex Game? Try This.,” “12 Things You Should Do During Oral (That You Probably Aren't)” and “Umm...Wanna Learn How To Swallow? Try These 10 Hacks.”
And what if you struggle with zeal because you really don’t like doing it? Well, check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?” and then be ready to have an open and honest (yet kind) conversation with your partner. Sometimes just getting that off of your chest can release a lot of pressure, so that you two can figure out something that will work for you both…together.
RECEIVE: Be More Communicative
GiphySomething else that I have noticed is A LOT of people sure do have egos when it comes to oral sex — this time, I mean in the giving department. It’s kind of wild (and unfortunate) too because it’s pretty unrealistic to think that just because a hot mouth is around genitalia, that should automatically mean that undeniable pleasure will ensue. Nah, the only way that anyone is going to get the type of oral sex pleasure that they long for is if they are willing to openly and effectively communicate with their partner.
And no, I don’t mean barking orders around. I mean, mastering the art of dirty talk which means watching your tone (make sure it’s inviting), clearly expressing what feels good and also being patient throughout the process. Y’all, the reality is that, although the acts of sex are somewhat generalized, each of us has individual “edits” that we like to have made — and there’s no way that your partner will know that unless you speak up. So…SPEAK. UP (check out “How To Make Him Better At Oral (Without Putting Him On The Spot)”).
GIVE: Master the Frenulum
GiphyThe underside of a man’s penis that is closest to his scrotum (balls)? That is called his frenulum. Since it’s considered to be the most sensitive part of a man’s penis, that’s why it definitely deserves some extra special attention when you’re giving a guy oral sex. You can do this by using your fingers to act like you’re sending a text (or playing a flute) while you are performing fellatio. You can put an ice cube in your mouth and lick the base of his penis so that he can experience some temperature play.
You can get your favorite sex condiment (check out “12 ‘Sex Condiments’ That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”), apply it to his penis, and then lick the base as if it were an ice cream cone. You can put a vibrator on his frenulum while he’s in your mouth. You can lick the tip while using a penis massager like the Arcwave Ion Penis Stimulator (which uses airwaves as its main stimuli). The bottom line with this giving tip is to remember that just like your clitoris is the most sensitive part of your vulva, his frenulum is the most sensitive part of his penis — so, if you want to blow his mind, you simply shouldn’t ignore it.
P.S. To be fair, if a man is circumcised, he may only have a partial frenulum or he may not have one at all; however, because there still tend to be quite a few nerve endings at the base of a man’s penis, it still can be stimulated, so still give it some TLC either way.
RECEIVE: Have Him Give You “Cunnilingus Foreplay”
GiphyMaybe it’s just me, but I don’t get how there is foreplay for intercourse and not foreplay for oral sex. Hmph. Maybe it’s because far too many people see fellatio and cunnilingus as foreplay — I don’t, though. In my eyes, they are both types of sex which means they both deserve some “pregaming” action, if you know what I mean. On the cunnilingus tip, I think that men should be encouraged to kiss their inner thighs more and keep their partner’s underwear on longer.
Licking on top of panties, using ice for its own cunnilingus-focused temperature play, pulling panties in and while gently sucking on a woman’s vaginal lips (which stimulates her clitoris due to the pressure of the fabric that is on it) — these are all examples of doing just what foreplay does: serve as a prelude to sex.
That said, if you’ve got someone who simply “dives right in,” slow things down with a bit of cunnilingus foreplay. It will make the experience even hotter and will significantly increase your chances of having multiple oral orgasms (because yes, those are an actual thing too!).
GIVE: Focus on Other Erogenous Zones (Simultaneously)
GiphyTell me something: when you’re giving your partner head, where are your hands? If they are on his shaft, that’s cool (more on that in a bit); however, do you make the time to explore other parts of his body too? Yeah, let’s also make 2025 the year when we explore more than just the obvious erogenous zones. For men, places that drive them wild include their lower stomach, inner thighs, and nipples. While you’re down below, use your hands to caress those parts of his body.
Oh, and before you even get down there, massage his scalp and/or French kiss his earlobes as you whisper just what he is in for. Since, from what I’ve read, many guys are fine with fellatio lasting between 5-7 minutes (if they know that intercourse is on its way, that is) — by focusing on his other “hot spots” at the same time, that time might get even shorter.
RECEIVE: Get into Different Positions
GiphyJust like the missionary position is the traditional go-to for sex (hey, and don’t sleep on it either; check out “Here's Why The Missionary Position Will Forever Be Top-Tier” and “15 Hot Tips Giving The Missionary Position The Upgrade You Crave”), a woman being on her back is the traditional way that she (we) receive cunnilingus. However, just like other sex positions can “hit spots” in ways that you never saw coming — well, cumming — positioning your body in other ways during cunnilingus can do the same thing.
Get on all fours, so that your partner can slide his head in between your knees. Stand up and put one leg on the bed while he kneels in front of you. Try the Kivin Method which is basically about you being on your back while your partner goes down on you from a side angle (that way, your clitoris, vaginal opening, and perineum can all be easily stimulated).
Sit in a chair and “receive him” that way. Get into the doggy-style position and see if you like it from that direction. I’m telling you, folks be out here seriously missing out on other forms of oral pleasure and it’s all because they think that there is just one way to “do” oral — THERE ABSOLUTELY IS NOT.
GIVE: Use a (Wet) Hand
GiphyThere’s a series that I stumbled upon several years ago on YouTube entitled,Diary of a Cheating Man. During the second episode, the main (cheating) character said something while hiding in the closet from one of his ladies’ boyfriend: “I’m too old for this sh-t. I thought I got past this in high school or somethin’. Maybe Preston was right; I’m supposed to be the player and I’m out here gettin’ played by some fake ass basketball wife. Hey, I can’t lie, though. I get why dude is so overprotective. It’s hard to find a girl who can do the twisty hand thing when she gives you head.” LOL.
And you know what? That lil’ hack receives high praise, even in real life — plenty of men have told me so. Yep, massaging your partner’s penis while you are performing fellatio on him can provide an indescribable sensation because there are different types of applied pressures that are happening simultaneously.
If you want to make it extra erotic, either put some lube on your hands (flavored lube is even better — for you) or apply something like shea butter or a carrier oil (check out “So, Here Are The Carrier Oils That Will Take Your Sex Life To A Whole 'Nother Level”) to the shaft of his penis. Not only will it reduce the friction (and potential chafing), but it will require you to do less work in the “make it wet” department (you know, via spit) as well.
RECEIVE: Incorporate a Pillow
GiphyWhen it comes to cunnilingus, oh, what a difference a pillow makes. It’s practical (because it makes giving a lot easier on a man’s neck). It’s comfortable (because, as a receiver, your lower body is propped up without a ton of effort on your part). And it can help the experience to last longer, if that’s what you’d like — because, from what I’ve read and researched (check out “Who Knew Oral Sex Has An Official Time Limit?”), many women want to “be on the receiving end” anywhere from 15-30 minutes at a time.
Honestly, your own pillows should be able to suit you just fine. Still, if you want to become extra well-versed in all things oral, check out Cosmo’s, “16 Best Sex Pillows, Wedges, and Cushions of 2024 for Hitting All the Right Angles;” you should be able to find one or two that will…get you right. #wink
GIVE AND RECEIVE: Make Eye Contact
GiphyAccording to science, when eye contact is made during sex, not only can it intensify your arousal (by increasing the levels of dopamine that are able to surge throughout your system), but it can also make you feel more connected to your partner. That’s why I decided to close this out by encouraging you and your partner alike to give each other eye contact while giving and receiving oral sex. And you know what this means, right?
In order for this to happen, you’ve got to be able to see each other (check out “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever”) — and that means you need to have a red, blue, or purple light bulb in your bedroom or some lit scented soy candles. The right lighting, a comfortable position, and eyes peering into each other during fellatio and cunnilingus — whew…does it get any better than that? Test it out and see, chile. Test it out and freakin’…see.
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