How would you like to travel the world rent-free, side by side with your bae, while freely exploring life on your own terms? More than likely, I'm sure you screamed, "Hell yes, pick me!"; but what if that option consisted of living in a van?
Yes sis, a van.
While the #vanlife idea may sound crazy to some, it's a thing. People all over the world are opting into the minimalist, free-living, on the go lifestyle that van lifers have, and have found unique ways to make their van life one of their most memorable experiences ever.
Recently, I caught up with Jessica Malone, a former classmate from my HBCU, and she shared how she and her fiance are getting ready to become members of the #vanlife squad. Jessica and her bae have recently purchased their van and will be getting on the road soon for 12 months to live their best (van) lives.
Here's how Jessica became inspired to become a vanlifer and how she plans on executing it.
Photo Courtesy of Jessica Malone
What Sparked Her Desire For Van Life Living:
"For a very long time while working in corporate in sales and now as a corporate trainer, I had dreams of becoming an entrepreneur. However, I hadn't made the leap because I didn't really know what that would look like. During that time, I developed my brand Nacho Average Fro which focuses on helping people live their best life by simplifying their time, money, and also their attention so that they can gain clarity, find their purpose, and then build a life around their purpose and what they love.
"After having my brand for a while and saving up money from living with my dad, I felt more prepared to plan to make the leap into entrepreneurship. I was financially prepared, I had something that I was interested in and was passionate about working on, and I knew what direction I was headed in. However, even though I had saved up a lot of money, the reality was that my new brand wasn't producing enough revenue for me to put food on the table, or to put a roof over my head. That's when I started wondering what would life as an entrepreneur look like. Where would I live, how would I sustain myself?
"Around the same time, my fiance was also thinking about leaving his corporate job and focusing on some of his passions, so we were having conversations together about what that would look like together as a couple. Simultaneously, I started a podcast that I no longer do with someone I met on Instagram and she started doing this van build-out thing, and it was very interesting to me. From there, I started following #VanLife on Instagram and started watching this TV show on Netflix about minimal living. All of that is really what got my mind going, and is what increased my interest in being a van-lifer.
"One day, this past summer, I called my fiance and I said, 'I think we should get an RV.' To my surprise, he was on board, which completely blew me away."
Photo Courtesy of Jessica Malone
How She Found Her Van:
"Now that my fiance was on board, we started looking for RVs, went to different trade shows, and did a ton of research. At a trade show, we ended up finding an RV that we loved, applied for it, but didn't get it. We found out that we didn't get it because we didn't have enough credit history, and we didn't realize that buying something like an RV is just like buying a house. You have to have a credit history.
"That experience and rejection really bummed me out and it had me thinking that maybe this new life idea was terrible. But then, I kept on seeing more van-life posts on social media, and thought to myself that maybe having a van instead of an RV was the way to go. With a van, I knew that we could pay for it with cash, [it] would eliminate having to pay rent, and [we] would avoid getting denied because of not having enough credit history.
"We ended up buying the van just after Thanksgiving from Facebook Marketplace, which was a totally new experience for me. I had no idea that people bought cars on Facebook. I joined this Facebook group and saw this guy from Utah post that he was selling his van for around $13K. He and his girlfriend had actually recently gone through his own van-life journey and decided they didn't enjoy it so they were selling their van. The van had solar panels and a fan in it, they were giving away a heater, the transmission had just been fixed, and it was just outside of the 10-year mark that we had set aside in regards to how old we wanted our van. The van is a 2008 Dodge Sprinter van, and we ended up getting it cheaper for around $11,300 for it since we were able to meet the guy to pick it up.
"For us, this is an opportunity to build our business, focus on our passions, travel, and spend time with each other, our friends, and family."
Photo Courtesy of Jessica Malone
What The Van Looks Like:
"To give you an idea of our van, it's like the Amazon delivery van, so basically it's like a cargo van. It's two seats in the front, and then it's completely empty in the back. I think our van is like 144 inches long so it's definitely a lot smaller than anything that we've ever lived in.
"As far as planning out the design of our van, we decided we wanted to make it kind of like a tiny home. We decided that we'll have a bedroom space, kitchen space with a counter top, and then work our way up from there and add more as we can. I've seen people add an oven in their van, and that's also something I want to eventually have. We will for sure have some kind of stove, whether that's built into the van or portable. Next, we will have a bed that we can bring down at night, and then up when we're not sleeping so we can use that space to put a table out for work.
"We will not have a shower or a toilet, and I know it sounds crazy, but I don't think it'll be an issue. Based on my research, I found that a lot of vanlifers don't have a toilet or shower, and added going to the gym a part of their daily routine so that they can use the shower there. Ultimately, I've told myself that at the end of this journey, no matter what happens, I'm sure I'll be very fit."
Photo Courtesy of Jessica Malone
How They WIll Sustain Themselves:
"Money is a major thing that we've been thinking about, but we have a plan. For me, I'll be focusing on making money from digital products, and my fiance is working on his own things. Ultimately, we decided that our goal is to live on $2,000 a month. Based on what we've seen from other RVers and vanlifers, that seems reasonable."
Jessica and her fiance will start on the interior design of their van in early 2020, and plan on hitting the road soon after. To keep up with Jessica and her #vanlife journey, follow her on IG @NachoAverageFro.
Featured image courtesy of Jessica Malone
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images
