After decades of shopping until we drop, many are finally turning deaf ears onto the "less is more" proverb, in the form of minimalist living. Committing to a minimalist lifestyle requires the following: one must get rid of almost all materialistic items and intentionally focus only on what matters. Removing any distractions that stops one from doing what they love, or requires extensive upkeep, is essential.
Most minimalists sell their homes, downsize, and possess little items. They value the freedom of being liberated of worldly possessions and unhealthy cultures. It invites the idea of consuming less but enjoying more. As a result, minimalists have fewer bills, stress, responsibility, and ultimately, they save more money. Nevertheless, transitioning from a regular lifestyle to a minimalistic one might feel a little extreme.
Although there is no harm taking on some practices that might benefit you in the long run, you might not be ready to commit to the minimalist lifestyle in its entirety. However, it is never too late to practice minimalistic spending habits. After all, learning ways to spend less means having more money when you really need it.
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1.Multi-Purpose Items
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Instead of single-purpose items, buy multi-purpose items for your household. With multi-purpose items, you can reduce spending by stretching items that have multiple purposes; especially cleaning products and household items. Common household items, such as vinegar, dish soap, hydrogen peroxide, cinnamon, and baking soda, can be transformed into cleaning supplies that are just as effective (if not more) than the expensive ones they sell in the store. Mason jars can be used for storage or as cups. Peppermint leaves can be brewed as a tea for relaxation or repel bugs.
Having multi-purpose items in the home will reduce your need to spend money on the same products week to week. One of our favorite multi-purpose items is Dr. Bronner's Pure-Castile Liquid Soap (Target, $11). The 18-in-1 product has multiple uses and can clean your home as well as it can clean your body (just be sure to dilute it with water first).
2.Become Frugal/No Spend Days
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One of the easiest, yet hardest, ways of becoming a minimalist is spending less of your money. Sit down and create S.M.A.R.T goals of your monthly budget. Decide what rational number you can save monthly and devote the rest of your money towards bills. Of course, it is OK to indulge every now and then and buy that item you've truly wanted. But the whole purpose of minimal spending is to spend minimally. If you have an item you desperately want, consider what you'll allow yourself to have and consider saving the rest. If it is not essential than it is unnecessary. In addition, consider having days where you refrain from spending at all. This will stop you from spending the money simply because you have it. It'll also force you to budget in the short-term to prepare for a day without a swipe.
3.Invest In a Water Filter
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Let's be honest: I see you there with your packages of bottled water on the kitchen/laundry room floor. We've all been guilty of buying packs on packs of water bottles instead of the more expensive Brita filter. In our minds, we'd rather spend the $5 on the pack of water than the $30 and up on the Brita filters. But what if I told you that spending the $32 once will be cheaper than the bottles of water over time?
It's time to invest in a water filters and a reusable water bottle. The average American spends about $100 or more on water bottles every year. Reduce your carbon footprint and the hole in your wallet. Say goodbye to those endless plastic bottles and hello to your new and improved pitcher.
4.Do Laundry in Cold Water
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Doing your laundry in cold water is not only great for the color of your clothes, but it works wonders for your energy bills. According to the Smithsonian Magazine, 75% of energy in laundry machines are devoted to the heating of water. Add that 75% to the many loads you'll inevitably have, it tacks on $60 and up onto your utilities bill annually. Save your clothes from shrinkage and color fading, and save yourself from wasting your money: clean your clothes in cold water. It'll save on water consumption, energy usage, replacement of clothing items, and your bills all around.
That sounds like a win-win-win situation to me.
5.Pay Credit Cards Off in Full
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Most of our big bills resides in the repayment of loans. This stops us from ever being able to save properly because we are spending most of the time trying to stay out of the debt collectors' call lists. Take some time to budget out all of your debt, especially credit card bills. Then, pay that debt off as quickly, and as reasonably as possible. Keeping your credit utilization low by keeping your balance low and/or paid off each month will also aid in attaining and maintaining a healthy credit score. The faster you pay off debt, the more money you'll be able to keep in your pockets and bank accounts.
6.Pack Your Lunch
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Now, I know when I say pack your lunch, you read: meal prep. Though they have a similarity in the preparation of meals, it is important that you do not confuse the two. More often than not, meal prep results in the waste of food. Either the meal become redundant, therefore less desirable and more likely to remain in the fridge, or you end up failing to properly store the food. Regardless, consider getting items that can double as dinner ingredients and lunch preparation. The average American spends close to $3,000 ($2,746) a year from buying lunch. Save yourself $3,000 by making your own lunch at home and spend it on something you really care about, or better yet save it for a rainy day.
7.Reduce Your Wardrobe
Rent the Runway
There is a special place in everyone's closet. One that holds a very dear place to us all. The place where we have clothes that we only look at, but never wear. Yeah, it's about time we make that place scarce. Reduce your wardrobe by selling gently used clothes to local stores or online. Instead, opt for keeping clothes you wear often, or clothing that you can turn into reusable items. Buy clothing only when it is necessary, rather than when it is a want. Similar to multi-purpose household items, invest in building a capsule wardrobe where you can mix and match items to wear in multiple settings. The more you use your clothes, the less you'll have to give away.
Pro Tip: If you are someone who likes to wear new clothes often but prefers not to rewear items, consider investing in renting your clothes through services like Rent the Runway. You can downsize your closet while revamping your wardrobe for a fraction of the price it costs to do closet overhauls for one and done fast-fashion clothing items. The subscription fashion service has plans that start at $69 a month. Click here to learn more.
8.Become Handy
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I know it is easier said than done, but becoming handy might be the best tip you've ever received. Often, when we are paying for work to get done, we are paying for the equipment and the worker's time/business. This can often result in reasonable payments becoming downright difficult to obtain. So, instead of paying someone to complete all of your household repairs, learn how to repair them yourself!
There are free videos online that inform you of the best tools to use and equipment to get. Buying the equipment will already be inevitable, but if you do the services on your own, you'll feel more fulfilled and capable of doing anything on your own. Warning: If the repair is extreme, like an electrical repair, consider leaving it to the experts.
9.Buy Essential Items in Bulk
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For a minimalist, being frugal and owning less is the smartest thing to do. Nevertheless, it's about the amount of money you spend over the course of the time and the amount of money you save as a result. Buying in bulk is expensive at first, but it pays off in the end.
Buy essential items, such as feminine products, tissue, paper towels, detergent, and soap in bulk. This will stop you from having to spend $5 to $10 on each item on a month to month basis. If you buy in bulk, you can save 20% on all your purchases and up to 83% on most items. If buying all bulk items make you uncomfortable, consider buying one bulk item at a time.
10.Get Rid of Pointless Memberships
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Finally, get rid of pointless memberships. Whether it is a lack of motivation or a busy schedule, going to the gym was difficult before the pandemic. Now, it's damn near impossible. Instead of keeping your gym membership, decide to create your workout routines from home. There are plenty of fitness YouTubers and Instagrammers who have fitness videos at home that are effective and helpful. Instead of holding onto the gym membership and wasting money on a place you rarely visit, consider creating a gym at home that's free and more often visited than not.
Also, consider cancelling some television subscriptions, or you can pause them, when new episodes of television are not provided. Instead, keep one streaming subscription and let the others go. When you're ready to get them back, the same shows and music will be available.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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