This is one of those times when, if you've got the time, I'd actually prefer for you to read two other articles (from the site) first. One is entitled "These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom". The other (if you plan on getting married someday) is "Ask These Sex-Related Questions BEFORE You Marry Him". The reason why I'm making this recommendation is this—while in theory, I think we all know that sexual compatibility is important in a relationship, at the same time, I also believe that a lot of us don't make figuring out if we are in "intimacy harmony" with someone a priority until after the deed is done. In other words, a lot of what comes with sexual compatibility can be discovered before hittin' the sheets with someone. It comes through heartfelt communication.
Case in point. I've always liked hearing Meagan Good say that, when she was asked why she didn't want to "test drive her husband" prior to marriage, she didn't because "he is not a car". Yeah, I know that society tries to cram down our throat that you can't find out if you and another individual are sexually in sync without getting naked first, but that's not 100—or even 65—percent true. A lot of sexual compatibility consists of chemistry and connection. And again, a lot of that transpires outside of the bedroom. That's not knocking the fact that sexual compatibility includes the act of sex itself as well, but—I guess what I'm saying is, like most things in life, good sexual energy and interaction comes with many layers. Don't underestimate how far conversations can take you. Then there are six others that we will explore today.
So, how can you know for sure if you and another person are truly sexually compatible? I asked a (totally platonic) male friend of mine to tackle this topic with me. These are the things that we both were able to agree on. How about you?
Sexually Compatible Couples Have Similar Sex Drives
I've got a friend who, ever since I've known him, he's wanted to have sex at least twice a day (his soon-to-be ex-wife can vouch for this, by the way). It really is like he's insatiable. Hmph. If we only went by men like him, it would be easy to see why the society and the media claim that men have higher sex drives than women do. But then, I've also got a girlfriend whose husband has told me, on more than one occasion, that the person who can't get enough rest isn't her, but him; she is the one whose libido is always in overdrive.
My male friend? He's 47. My female friend is 38. So, we can't really put drives on age, gender or anything else, can we? In many ways, a person's sex drive is totally up to the individual—and the relationship that they are in. This is something that I've been trying to get my male friend to accept ever since college. It's not that there aren't women who can't keep up with him; it's just that different people have different approaches to arousal and seduction. Sometimes, approaches and techniques need to switch up as well.
But what I think we all can agree on, is if two people don't have similar sex drives, that can lead to some disappointment, if not all-out frustration, for one or both individuals. Remember how I said that my male friend is going through a divorce? One of the issues in their marriage was the fact that while he wanted sex at least four times a week, his wife was good with 1-2 times a month. It's hard to be compatible when your desires are incongruent. Is it a relationship deal-breaker? Maybe not. But is it something that should be taken seriously? Definitely so.
Sexually Compatible Couples Connect on a Mental and Emotional Level
A cool definition of compatible is "capable of existing or living together in harmony". Harmony is defined as being in "agreement; accord; harmonious relations". Recently, I penned an article on here about how you should never automatically assume that a great sex partner will turn into a great life partner. If you want to know how well you and someone work outside of the bedroom, you need to figure out what you agree on and if you are on the same accord about when it comes to principles, values, life goals and what you want for your futures. When you find someone who can relate to you in these various areas, the sex with them is so much better.
There are studies that support this fact (you can read one of them here). There are articles like "The Differences Between Hook-Up Sex, Marital Sex, and Making Love" that co-sign on it. Shoot, I bet you can look back on your own sex life and vouch for the fact that when you were connected on a deep mental and emotional level, the sex was so much better than when you weren't.
Sexually compatible couples are mature in the sense that they aren't only out to get orgasms; they want to have internal highs that come from really knowing a person and them being known in return. They know that their minds and hearts being in sync also qualifies them for being truly sexually compatible.
Sexually Compatible Couples Are Willing to Explore Sexual Desires and Fantasies
Sometimes couples have a ho-hum sex life but it's not because of the sex itself; it's because they've become bored. That make sense too because most of us have heard that the biggest sex organ we have is our brain. This means that our imagination needs to be stimulated as much as possible. One way to do that is by exploring different types of sexual desires and fantasies.
As far as what some popular publications say—Glamour said that it's sex in public, sex in an usual location and pegging. Everyday Health claims that men enjoy their partner taking charge and engaging in oral and anal sex. Ask Men asked some women and they said, role-playing, domination and voyeurism were some of their favorite fantasies. But all of these findings are based on surveys and polls. The best way to find out what sends your own partner's mind to racing is to ask them. But don't stop there—once they tell you, put your best foot forward to try and make some of their dreams a reality.
A guy once told me that men don't get tired of being with the same woman; they get sick of having the same kind of sex with the same woman. Words to live by, if you ask me.
Sexually Compatible Couples Have Little Stress in Their Dynamic
I thought it was interesting that, when I asked my male friend to share with me a sign of sexual compatibility, one of the things that he listed was the relationship needed to have as little stress in it as possible. But after those words came out of his mouth, I sat and thought about the sessions I've sat in where the husband was like, "I still find my wife attractive but between all of the nagging and complaining, I'd rather just get some quiet and a good night's rest over some sex."
The reason why I think a lot of people underestimate that stress is an enemy of sexual incompatibility is because they are so used to being stressed out that they don't factor in what it is doing to their intimacy. But if all the two of you are doing is arguing, casting blame, giving each other the silent treatment, rationing affection and/or taking shots at each other, really—what in the world is sexy about that?
I totally get where my friend is coming from. Although one of the benefits of sex is it decreases stress, it's hard to even get into the act if your partner already has you turned off because of all of the stress that they are causing.
Sexually Compatible Couples Strongly Desire to Please Their Partner
I make it no secret that there have been a couple of partners in my sex life's past who, while I wasn't all that physically attracted to them, the sex was still pretty damn good. It was because pleasing me was a passion of theirs. At the same time, there were a couple of other men in my life who really needed a mirror on the wall for them to look directly into because, while they were fine, they seemed to get off more on themselves than trying to make me happy.
Whenever I sit down with couples who are totally unsatisfied with their sex lives, something that I usually say is they are making things so much harder than they've got to be. If the guy is totally focused on pleasing his lady and the woman is totally into pleasing her man, it's hard for the sex to not be totally off the charts. Problem is, just like with relationships in general, a lot of people aren't in sync with their partner; they are more concerned about what they should be getting than what they should be giving. Sexual compatibility lacks selfishness. Any couple who is in true harmony in this area can certainly vouch for that.
Sexually Compatible Couples Have a Consistent Sex Life
For some reason, a lot of folks will read the word "consistent" and think that means all day, every day. But actually, consistent simply means to be constant in whatever it is that you are doing (or not doing). As far as sex goes, some of the married couples that I work with consistently have sex 2-3 times a week while others consistently have sex a couple of times a month. Both dynamics seem to be fine with that; things only get "weird" when there is less than what they have grown accustomed to.
If you're curious about what the "general norm" is when it comes to intimacy, one study revealed that the happiest couples are those who have sex no less than once a week. I could see why that is the case. Between work schedules, household responsibilities and everything else on people's to-do list, having sex once a week is something that a lot of couples find to be a realistic amount. At the same time, no matter what is happening in their lives, they make sure that they aren't too busy to engage one another at least once a week. The sexual compatibility here is that sex isn't treated like a "relational perk"; it's a relational need and responsibility. Two people who are on the same page about that are sexually compatible in a way that is truly underrated. A lot of married couples in sexless marriages can certainly vouch for that.
So, there you have it. If you are wondering if you and yours are sexually compatible and your head moved up and down to these points, congrats. You've got something that a lot of people desire—a partner you are sexually in tune with. And that's the makings for some pretty powerful and amazing sex!
Did you know that xoNecole has a new podcast? Join founder Necole Kane, and co-hosts Sheriden Chanel for conversations over cocktails each and every week by subscribing to xoNecole Happy Hour podcast on Itunes and Spotify.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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