Faking orgasms. Although I deal with sex-related issues quite a bit (and, at this point, there’s not too much that I haven’t heard of or dealt with before), if there is something that is going to make me damn near violent about preventing it from happening — it’s faking orgasms.
Although I’ve expressed why, several times before, throughout the years on this platform, in a moment, I will briefly explain why I loathe them so once more. For now, I’ll just say that while I was recently reading a study on the group of people who seem to fake orgasms the most often (and by that, I don’t mean women; I mean a particular relationship demographic) — the first thing that came to my mind is, “Yep. I’ve told some of my clients this very thing.”
Y’all, to me, faking orgasms is so…sexually counterproductive. I say that because orgasms aren’t just about experiencing a physical pinnacle of pleasure. Orgasms are also about getting what you need and/or want from someone who you are literally sharing your body with — and yes, that is beyond an important thing to do.
So, for the sake of encouraging even more of you to stop doing it — faking it, that is — check out what research says about how does it a lot and why — and then get serious about doing what needs to be done, so that you don’t have to be a “faking it statistic” (anymore).
Remember That Fake Is…Well, FAKE
GiphyHow passionate am I about people NOT faking orgasms? Well, this is how many times that I remember addressing the issue, head on, via the platform: There’s “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP.” There’s “1 In 4 Men And Women Are Faking It—Science Explains How To Change That.” There’s also “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not.” And in all of them, I’ve stated on some level that the meaning of “fake” alone makes faking orgasms super problematic — at least in my eyes.
Just look at what “fake” means:
Fake: prepare or make (something specious, deceptive, or fraudulent); to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc., usually in order to deceive; anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is; counterfeit
Synonyms: bogus, fabricated, mock, fraudulent, phony
Now how in the world, can it be beneficial, to be this way, in ANY form, when it comes to your relationships with other people (check out “6 Signs You're 'Faking It' (When It Comes To Your Relationships)”)? And yet, for some reason, when it comes to climaxing, far too many individuals act like resorting to some level of fakeness should be deemed as okay. So much to the point that, as author Chris Ruden once said, “Being fake is so common now that being real is seen as offensive.” SMDH.
But what if you are someone who fakes on a fairly regular basis and your rationale is that faking orgasms helps you to feel less sexual self-conscious or it keeps you from hurting your partner’s feelings (if you don’t want him to know that you aren’t climaxing)? That’s a fair question.
To both of those points, I’ve got some things for you to consider.
The Orgasm Gap. Yes, It’s a Very Relevant Thing.
GiphyThe orgasm gap. That topic comes up enough that I’m pretty sure you’ve heard of it before — even if you’re not 1000 percent sure what it’s all about. Long story short, the orgasm gap is about why men seem to orgasm far more often — and way more consistently — than women do (at least, reportedly).
For instance, one fairly prominent study that I read stated that men are somewhere around five times more likely to cum than women and, although 34 percent of women said that they sometimes orgasm during intercourse, they were 10 times more likely than guys to say that they reached the peak of climaxing — and then…they didn’t “see the mountaintop.”
Now, it really does need to go on record (far more often than it tends to be) that usually the orgasm gap is referring to vaginal orgasms (check out “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”) and not sexual climaxing overall (say clitoral orgasms or orgasms that come via oral sex).
And with that being said, y’all, real talk, one of the reasons why vaginal orgasms are easier for some women than others have more to do with anatomy than anything else. What I mean by that is, as I’ve stated in other content before, the closer that a woman’s clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for her to experience a vaginal orgasm. Simple as that.
However, another reason why this is a struggle for some? It’s because they are faking orgasms — because, really, how do you expect to get what you need in bed if you’re pretending like…you already are? Make it make sense, somebody.
How Can You Get What You Want/Deserve If You’re Not Telling the Truth?
GiphyIf you don’t get anything else from this article, get this: women deserve to have orgasms. And listen, I’m not someone who uses the word “deserve” loosely (check out “Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means”). You see, I know that deserve means “to be qualified for” — and if you’re someone who is sexually active and especially if you’re someone who is sexually generous while you’re being sexually active…you are qualified to receive the kind of attention and attentiveness that you are giving.
So, why would you deprive yourself of that by not telling your partner the truth about what is required to get/give you as many orgasms as possible? And yet, depriving yourself is EXACTLY what you are doing when you choose to fake an orgasm because remember this always — to be fake is to be deceptive…to be fake is to be conceal the real of who you are at the expense of appearing to be something/someone who you are not…to be fake is to be out here fabricating facts and reality while mocking what true intimacy is to provide: pleasure and holistic satisfaction.
Yes, to fake an orgasm is to tell a lie and as a wise man (Alexander Pope, to be exact) once said about lying, “He who tells a lie is not sensible of how great a task he undertakes; for he must be forced to invent 20 more to maintain that one” — and y’all, I have dealt with many married couples who can absolutely attest to this.
Because you know another downside of faking orgasms? It breaches — or at the very least absolutely compromises — trust because if you put on a show and lie during something as intimate as sex…your partner may naturally wonder what else you are doing an excellent job of lying at. (Hmm…)
Now Guess Which Women Fake Orgasms the Most
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GiphyOkay, so all of the intel that I just provided you? It simply laid the foundation for what the title of this piece is all about. And yes, although women of all walks of life tend to fake orgasms, guess which ones tend to do it the most: women who are in short(er) term relationships.
What does this even mean? Well, remember how I mentioned earlier that some people fake orgasms because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings? Well, if you know that there is a short shelf life on the situation (or the two of you pretty much only have a casual sex situation going on), you may be more prone to “fake it” because things aren’t going to last very long anyway.
However, another thing that ties into this is getting to a point where you are comfortable enough with someone to share what your true sexual needs and expectations are…and that takes time — and so that’s a big part of the reason why people in long-term relationships typically fake orgasms less than those in short-term ones. And yes, this proves my thoughts on what a lot of faking it is all about — a lack of a thorough connection with one’s partner.
Because just think about it — if you’re willing to hinder your own self from experiencing supreme pleasure, simply because you don’t want to fully open up with someone who should be sharing in that with you, there is either some real unfamiliarity going on or some serious walls that are up and why should ANYONE SETTLE for that type of experience with another person? Yes, to me, the closer to connection, the better the sex — and honesty needs to be present for that type of intimacy to transpire.
So yes, y’all — if you want to have some of the best sex ever (and as often as possible), you can’t be out here pressuring yourself to “put on a show.” You’ve got to be willing to put your guard down and allow your partner to get to really and truly know you. ALL OF YOU. Physically especially.
Yeah, that data was spot-on. The less intimate the dynamic, the more fakeness that abounds.
7 Hacks to Help You Fake It Less Often
GiphySo, what if you are willing to receive all of what I just said yet you’re not sure how to break out of the faking it habit/pattern? First, keep in mind that Rome and orgasms have something in common in the sense that it may take some time to get what you want, desire and deserve.
I do think that the following tips can help you out, though:
1. Focus on more than just one kind of orgasm. As someone who has had more than my fair share of vaginal orgasms in my life, yes — they are the peak of all things wonderful and amazing. SO ARE OTHER KINDS OF ORGASMS, THOUGH and yes, I am yelling it. That said, should you have everything that your heart desires out of your sexual experiences? YEP. However, should you train your mind to think that can only come from vaginal orgasms? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
2. Bring more lube into the picture. When it comes to sex, the saying “the wetter, the better” is always going to be relevant. That’s because lubrication — whether it’s natural or from a tube — is going to arouse you more, reduce friction and make things feel more erotic too. It really is time out to stop thinking that only people who struggle with vaginal wetness should use lube. Honestly, anyone who wants to experience peak pleasure should have a tube — or two (or 10).
3. Extend your foreplay sessions. Foreplay is always going to be a big deal — not just because it is a surefire way to physically arouse, especially a woman, but…the more two people choose to take their time with each other prior to intercourse, the more comfortable, desired and trusting they end up feeling with one another. It is for this reason alone that many people tend to prefer foreplay to last longer than even intercourse does — and that orgasms happen more often when longer foreplay sessions are in the mix.
4. Know what your spots actually are. I’ve been holding at an H-cup for a minute now. Yet, believe it or not, my breasts are not one of my peak erogenous zones (which is a part of the reason why I was inspired to pen “So, What If 'Typical Erogenous Zones' Annoy TF Outta You?”) a while back. Personally, I think this is another reason why women fake orgasms — either they act like certain spots are “their spot” when they really aren’t or…they haven’t spent enough time with their body to know what their spots actually are. Hmph. It’s hard to explain to someone else what gets you going when you don’t even fully know. Do you?
5. Get into spoon position. Ah, the spoon position. It’s intimate. It’s comforting. And it’s a super easy way for your partner to stimulate your clitoris while he’s penetrating you. Ain’t too much more to say about this one. If you want to get closer to vaginal (or multiple) orgasms, get into the spoon position more often. See if that tickles your fancy.
6. Experiment with some OMG! Cream (or something like it). There are more and more online sites popping up to get you some of the prescribed medication that you want or need (check out “Before You Get Online Birth Control, Read This.”). One that I am personally fond of is Wisp. Anyway, one of the things that they offer is OMG! Cream which is a topical vaginal cream that has the same active ingredient in it as Viagra. The gist is that it super stimulates your clitoris which could help you in the orgasming department. You can learn more about it here.
7. Spend more time together. Your biggest sex organ is your brain; that is never going to change and your amygdala is the part of your brain that processes emotion. That said, one study that I semi-recently read stated exactly this: “Emotional intelligence seems to have a direct impact on women’s sexual functioning by influencing her ability to communicate her sexual expectations and desires to her partner."
So yes, spend more time with your partner — both inside of the bedroom as well as out — so that you can share your feelings — both inside of the bedroom as well as out. Doing that can get your oxytocin (the “love” hormone that’s naturally in your body) levels going which can make you feel closer to your partner which can increase your chances of having (more) orgasms.
Science and intimacy know what they are doing, chile.
Stop faking it (so much). And just trust them (and your partner…and especially yourself).
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Featured image by Giphy
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023