A couple of weeks ago, while I was in the process of doing some research on another topic that I will be addressing here sooner than later (stay tuned), I kept seeing two topics come up: monkey branching and cobwebbing. They were in the context of dating, and so, of course, I decided to go deeper.
While I already knew what monkey branching is (some of my clients do it), the concept of cobwebbing piqued my curiosity. Once I read what it was all about, I just knew that I had to write about it because, if there was less relational monkey branching and more cobwebbing going on out in these dating streets — the world would certainly be a safer place for us all (I’m…not…kidding).
If you’ve never heard of either term before and you’d like to know more about them, check out why monkey branching is so relationally counterproductive and how cobwebbing can totally change your dating life — for the better.
What Is Monkey Branching?
GiphyMonkey branching. Whew, chile. I think all of us have at least one friend who is an Olympian-level monkey brancher. Why do I say that? Okay, let me first explain what monkey branching is (in case you are someone who isn’t quite sure). You ever seen a cartoon where a monkey is swinging from limb to limb? If you look really carefully, they don’t release the branch that is behind them until they are able to fully grasp the branch that is before them; that way, they don’t fall. Now change the monkey out for a human and the branches out for other humans and, relationally, that is what monkey branching is in a nutshell.
Some relationship experts define it as someone who intentionally seeks out a new relationship while still being in one with another person so that they don’t have to ever end up being alone (which is a state of falling to some folks). My take? It is a bit different. For instance, I have someone in my world who I’ve been friends with for almost 20 years at this point. And you know what? Not once has she ever been single. When we first became close, she was in the middle of ending a relationship with someone and then, here came a guy from her past.
He courted her heavily to the point where, in a matter of months, she got engaged to him. Then, years later, when they separated, she reconnected with another ex. See what I mean? MONKEY BRANCHING. Believe it or not, it’s not so much because she’s afraid of being alone so much as she doesn’t take the time to step away to assess her patterns, so that she can actually learn from her experiences. As a direct result, she just keeps on repeating them.
Hmph. The interesting thing about this particular dating trend is, although it might seem like the monkey brancher is simply entitled and/or greedy and/or selfish behavior, that’s usually not the case. What’s really going on is those types of individuals typically have an anxious attachment style, they are dealing with some form of love addiction (check out “6 Signs You're A Love Addict”) or they are more than a little insecure and so they rely on the validation that being in some type of something with someone brings.
And so, when, for whatever the reason, a relationship hits some really hard times and/or looks like it’s about to run its course, they make sure that they are with another person (in some shape, form or fashion) before totally calling it “quits” with the first individual.
And that’s why I have a bit of a different take because while some people think that monkey branching is about intentional cheating, I think monkey branching is about not making the time to heal and evolve in between relationships. What other people believe vs. myself? I think both are semi-toxic behaviors.
As for my version of monkey branching — why is “toxic” the word that I would go with? Chile, lemme count the ways because, if you don’t know how to end things thoroughly, what you will essentially do is carry baggage on top of baggage on top of even more baggage into every relationship you get into (which makes things unnecessarily stress-filled and burdensome).
Also, because you never took the time to pause, ponder and reflect, you never really fully grow from your relationships — and that typically leads to cyclic behavior, wasted time and relationships that are only subpar and ho-hum in comparison to the quality ones that you could’ve had…if only you would’ve chosen to be a cobwebber instead of a monkey brancher.
And just what is cobbing all about?
What Is Cobwebbing?
GiphyHave you ever sat and wondered what cobwebs actually are? The best way to describe them is they are webs that spiders have left behind; ones that, if they aren’t removed, over time, dust and debris cling to them. The interesting thing about cobwebs is, if you were to read articles about them, many would probably say that they are what transpire when you neglect to thoroughly clean parts of your home.
Hmm…can you see where this is going?
For this one, let’s call your heart your house and spider webs the connections that you’ve had with certain men. Based on the dynamic of the relationship, even if they are gone in the physical sense, if you never took the time to “clear them away” from you — there will still be remnants of them lingering and lurking around. And so, what cobwebbing does is remove those “webs” that have collected in your space that don’t serve much of a purpose anymore, so that you can fully heal from those situations and/or you can become “free and clear” to move forward with someone else.
Okay, so what could a potential cobweb be?
- Comparing every guy in your present to someone in your past.
- Still having sex with an ex, even though you know it’s not going anywhere past the bedroom.
- Allowing an old boyfriend to have access to you…whenever he feels like it. Even casually.
- Talking to a toxic former partner on social media (even if it’s just on birthdays…he’s toxic regardless).
- Holding on to every single thing that an ex gave you.
- Bringing them up as much as possible…when doing so doesn’t even really make sense.
- “Editing” the past to make the relationship seem better/healthier than it actually was.
- Finding ways to keep them in your life, even though there’s no real reason to past nostalgia.
- Not moving on because you are hoping that your ex will return…eventually.
- Justifying what you know is nonsense; whether it’s about them or the relationship.
Now be honest with yourself — no matter how much you may want to romanticize or even deflect from these points, how can any of these “webs” be good and beneficial for you? How does a current guy get a fair shot if he’s competing with some dude he doesn’t even know yet you keep comparing him to? When will you ever be ready to be intimate with someone new if you keep creating oxytocin bonds with ole’ boy?
See, the thing that I like about cobwebbing is it encourages you to hold yourself accountable when it comes to stuff like this. It reminds you that in order to have the kind of relationship that you claim to want and deserve (check out “Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means?”), you need to put your mind, body and spirit in the position to do just that.
And that means cleaning out the old in order to be fully ready for the…new.
3 Tips to Stop Monkey Branching
GiphyAight, so it doesn’t make much sense to talk about what monkey branching and cobwebbing are if I’m not going to at least point you in the direction of how to become less of a monkey brancher and more of a cobwebber as well.
Let’s go with the monkey branching self-work first:
1. Get. Closure.
Some people aren’t a fan of closure; hell, I am. Closure is literally the act of shutting things down and bringing a conclusion to them. How can that be problematic? Besides, when you don’t officially get closure, that tends to leave a door cracked and the brief moment when I was in sales, what I always remembered is, if someone cracks a door or stays on a call with you for longer than five seconds, you definitely have a shot with them. Hmph. A lot of humans are in relationship sales. Always remember that.
2. Figure out why you struggle with being completely single.
If you keep monkey branching because you don’t like the thought of being alone, do me a favor and check out “If You're Not In Love With Being Single, Ask Yourself These 6 Questions” when you get a chance. While there is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship, something is a bit internally awry if you need it so badly that you can’t ever be by yourself (which is why you should also check out “10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'” and “10 Bona Fide Benefits Of Being Single”).
3. Be intentional about going through a season of sex/dating abstinence.
Although it’s so transactional out here these days that I don’t know if people remember it anymore, dating is about getting to know someone (them not their wallet or their body in record time) better. And honestly, that’s how a season of abstinence from sex and dating altogether should be seen as: a time to get to know yourself, so that you’re not “grasping at straws” when it comes to men — you are vetting who truly complements you and your life because you know yourself well enough to accurately do so.
3 Tips to Make You a Master at Cobwebbing
GiphyTo tell you the truth, if you take the three steps that I just suggested literally and seriously when it comes to what it takes to release yourself from being a monkey brancher, the following three tips for how to become a solid cobwebber will probably come naturally to/for you.
1. See a therapist or relationship life coach.
My friend who I mentioned earlier. She’s in therapy, in part, for her monkey branching issues. Praise the Lord because something else that monkey branchers tend to do is over-romanticize their limbs/branches because they lack personal accountability. A reputable therapist/counselor/relationship life coach can help you in that department by asking you some questions that you probably wouldn’t ask yourself, confronting you with “aha moments” that you would probably dodge otherwise and provide you with tips to get you out of the hamster wheel of monkey branching that you keep putting yourself into.
2. Do some relational journaling.
It’s kind of weird how some people can’t see their patterns, even though they are the ones living them. Sometimes, what “shows them themselves” is journaling — and yes, when you’re in the process of removing your relational webs, writing down your thoughts, feelings, fears, habits when it comes to your “branches” can help you to see what you and doing and why. So yes, definitely commit to journaling as you’re in the process of detoxing/setting yourself free.
3. Remove the past. COMPLETELY.
Some people have a stronger hold on us than others — TRUST ME, I KNOW. And what I’ve had to learn is because they’re not going to stop being fine and we’re not going to stop having some sort of chemistry — if the potential cons far exceed the potential pros, I need to just…end it. COMPLETELY (Anthony David’s “Cold Turkey” actually just came to mind). No phone calls. No random texts. No asking about them via people we have in common. It’s in the past…so just…leave it there. Because just like cobwebs can come in the form of people, they can come in the form of thoughts as well — the less you engage, the sooner things…fade away.
___
Remember how I said earlier than monkeys don’t release a “back branch” without holding firmly to a “front branch” because they don’t want to fall? For them, it’s for safety purposes. Thinking that being alone is going to harm you? Yeah, that’s not a healthy, wise or beneficial mindset — and that is a huge part of the reason why monkey branching is a huge “uh-uh” and cobwebbing gets a standing ovation.
Standing on your own, so that you don’t have to keep leaning on remnants of the past and potentials of the future simultaneously? That’s how you ultimately end up with a whole man — not fragments of a few.
Stop neglecting yourself and what you actually need. Clean those cobwebs out, sis.
Not eventually…NOW.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
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In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
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From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
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We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Despite launching media careers from different pathways, the two New York-based women have forged a friendship where they can discuss their ambitions and challenges.
Both women are part of xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, recognized in the Viral Voices category for the impact they’ve made through storytelling, creativity, and authenticity. Together, they represent what it means to build an "It Girl" brand with integrity and depth. In the spirit of SheaMoisture’s "Yes, And" ethos, Les and Kayla embody the freedom to be multi-layered as women evolving boldly into every version of themselves.
This conversation has been condensed and lightly edited for clarity
On Forging Their Own Paths
Les Alfred: Being a Jane of all trades is incredibly challenging. And one of the challenges I've faced is that the scope of what podcasters now need to do has increased so much. When I first interviewed you in 2019, I was still very new at it, but I remember being on a Skype call with you from my bedroom in Seattle. That was how I ran the show. And that was good enough. That is absolutely not good enough these days. The scope and the quality keeps increasing, but the resources that you have don't necessarily increase in order to remain competitive.
I get asked so many questions from people who want to get into podcasts and they want to get started. Most of the time, I'm just like, 'I don't have tips for you.' Because, one, I don't know what it's like to start in this current environment. Two, I know what it takes to contend and be consistent in this environment. The barrier of entry is a lot higher in terms of having something of quality than it was before.
On Balancing Ambition and Rest
Kayla Greaves: I've had to make a very clear effort to slow down and just not take on as much. Yes, you're running a business, but you're also living your life. I had one of those days yesterday. I just laid down and listened to white noise for hours because I just needed my brain to just be clear. I called a friend. I cried.
I'm starting over again today. The sun is out. It's a new day. And that's just sometimes what you have to do. You can't show up for your audience or for other people, if you can't show for yourself. I think that creativity comes from a place of living your life and having genuine experiences, and then sharing those experiences through your art.
"I had to give myself permission to let myself grow publicly in ways that I'd already done personally."
Courtesy
On Evolving Through Growth and Rebranding
Les: I didn't create Balanced Black Girl until 2018, but I started blogging and creating content and doing things under the Balanced brand in 2014. I was 24 years old at the time. Now, I'm 36. The things that were important to me, the perspective that I had and the stories I wanted to tell were entirely different. I think I had to give myself permission to let myself grow publicly in ways that I'd already done personally. The show isn't really about wellness anymore. And that shift started happening a couple of years ago.
When we started expanding into more lifestyle topics, more self-help topics [and] talking about entrepreneurship, the audience responded really well. That was when the show really started to grow and take off. And that was what got so much more engagement than the episodes back in 2020 when I was doing hour-long deep dives on gut health.
Rebranding the show was something I've been thinking about for a long time. When I was finally like, 'Oh, I need to do this,' honestly, was the 2024 presidential election. I was like, these people are about to be in here acting crazy. I do not feel safe with my business name being what it is. I don't want to be targeted for any BS. We saw what they did to the Fearless Fund.
"You have to balance your integrity with your income."
Courtesy
On Integrity Over Income
Kayla: I have many other interests aside from beauty. I'm growing and I'm changing as a person. I'm not the same person I was when I started at InStyle in 2019 before the pandemic rocked everybody's world. I don't think reviewing every single lipstick that comes out is exciting or interesting, because everybody does it now, and everybody feels like they're qualified to speak on things that they're not qualified to speak on. I'm currently in that pain point of growth.
I don't think I have always been in environments where I've been encouraged to branch out on my own ideas. I finished Ina Garten’s memoir maybe a month ago. She kept repeating this quote in her book. She said, ‘What goes in early, goes in deep.’ Now that I'm on my own and I don't have the resources of a traditional media company, which is what I have become accustomed to, sometimes it's difficult for me to be like, 'Okay, just go ahead with the thing.'
I think, Les, just the other day, you reposted somebody saying that they let go of a five-figure deal and then got double the next day because it just didn't feel aligned for them. Those are the things that happen. I have to find a balance of, 'Okay, how do I keep myself afloat?' And that may mean I may not be balling out of control just yet, but I'm okay for now. I can buy myself nice things every once in a while, but you have to balance your integrity with your income.
Les: There are just certain lines that I'm not willing to cross. Especially when I created more wellness content, one of those lines was I will not promote any sort of weight loss product. All of these GLP-1s all want to advertise on my podcast. I actually have nothing against those types of products, but I don't ever want someone to look at what I'm putting into the world and think that I'm saying that they need to feel a certain way about their bodies.
Even if the money is great, that's not for me to say, and that's not the type of message that I want to put out here. Or, I had another kind of brand deal come through that would have required me to divulge things about my personal life that I just don't really want my audience knowing about me, and bringing them along on journeys that I just find personal and I want to keep offline. I don’t want to be known for dragging my mess all over the internet for a buck.
I don't want to be known for being an influencer. I would love to be 1,000% in on my podcast, scale it, have it grow to be a media empire where I'm producing and putting out other bodies of work. For now, until that other side of the business really picks up and gets to the point where I want it to be, I kind of need to play the influencer game a little bit to live in this expensive city. But I'm gonna do it on my terms. It's a constant compromise that I'm coming to with myself.
"You can never make a big vision come to fruition if you're sitting and you're waiting for somebody else to tell you exactly what to do."
Courtesy
On Mutual Admiration and Friendship
Les: Something that I really admire about you in having known you for the past couple of years is you don't wait for a roadmap. You jump in, you roll up your sleeves, and you do it. You can never make a big vision come to fruition if you're sitting and you're waiting for somebody else to tell you exactly what to do.
Kayla: Well, first of all, I want to say thank you for saying that, because that means so much to me, and it's very affirming. That's exactly how I feel about you. I remember, even at your first live show, you're like, ‘Oh my god, I'm so stressed. I don't know what I'm doing.’ And, the shit sold out. And, you know, and now, like, you see the growth of the podcast. And you have nearly 61,000 subscribers on YouTube. I just checked recently.
I talk a lot about people that really just need to not say anything on the internet, because it's so frustrating as somebody who grew up as a traditional journalist. You want people to fact check and ask thoughtful questions and have good conversations. I've never said that about you. I've always loved your podcast. And I've sent a lot of your episodes to friends when they're going through specific things that you're talking about.
This season has been a little bit slower to me, so you've been a constant source of inspiration, and it's just been such a pleasure to see your podcast grow despite the challenges you've had. I know it's not easy, but you continue to grow and continue to push through, and I really admire that as somebody who sat and cried yesterday and listened to white noise.
And this is why I tell you all the time, you really do inspire me. I love you a lot.
Les: Oh my gosh, I love you a lot. I'm so glad that the podcast brought us together.
Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
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